TV

America's future President is trying to make up for Roseanne's shit puddle of a final season by reuniting with John Goodman to make blue collar magic again. Deadline says that John Goodman (for some reason it feels wrong writing his first name only) is about to sign on to Roseanne's NBC sitcom pilot called Downwardly Mobile. Roseanne will play the keeper of a mobile home park who is like a mother to everyone who lives there and John Goodman will play one of her best friends, so sadly it doesn't look like they'll be bumping fupas on the small screen again.

This news is like an extra star on my blue terry cloth moon robe. (Note: Am I high again or did Roseanne wear a blue terry cloth moon robe in almost every episode? I can't find pictures of that shit.) Roseanne better keep the lottery out of this and she better find a place for Crystal Conner, because she's in need of a major comeback. And don't you miss the old days when Roseanne looked like Marilyn Whirlwind from Northern Exposure.

As Brandi Glanville cackles (or should I say "COCKles" so that prude asshole Kyle Richards can clutch her prayer cloth), I'm throwing a black veil over my Tivo box and mourning the loss of a TV show I was actually getting into. This is just like the time when my 15-year-old self and my neighbor were dry humping in the garage and just when things were about to go from PG-13 to NC-17, my mom tried to get in and screaming at me to stop blocking the door with the old sofa and let her in. This is just like that. NBC has busted into the garage and yelled at The Playboy Club to go back home and to stop rubbing on its son's ass cheeks like that. They just had to ruin a good time.

This is what Entertainment Weekly has to say about The Playboy Club getting stuffed into an urn after only 3 episodes:

Playboy Club premiered to low ratings and then dropped for each of its three telecasts, with last night hitting only 3.4 million viewers and a 1.2 rating in the adult demo. Despite having relatively tame content, the show wasn’t helped by conservative group the Parents Television Council vehemently protesting the show. And sharp-eyed Playboy Club viewers got a hint last night something might have been up last night when NBC didn’t air a promo for a fourth episode.

NBC will fill the Monday night slot with repeats of new police drama Prime Suspect, which likewise needs some assistance in the Nielsen ratings. There are no plans to run off remaining Playboy Club episodes in another time period.

NBC has also given full life to Whitney and Up All Night by picking them up for the rest of the season.

Well, the good news is that Eddie Cibrian can stop thinking he's network TV's answer to Don Draper. My butch lesbian friend who has the thickest Spanish accent ever does a better Don Draper impersonation when she's drunk than Eddie does when he's sober. Bitch is more like Don DRABer. And the good news for Eddie is that at least he has LeAnn Rimes' checking account to fall back on.

The History Channel told the 8-hour long Kennedys mini-series to eff off after Caroline Kennedy and Maria Shriver threatened to sic the NOT THE ONE spirit of Little Edie on them. The soil in Jacqueline Onassis' grave remained untilled....until now. Several networks including Showtime shut down the Kennedys biopic starring Greg Kinnear and Katie Holmes, but something called a ReelzChannel has breathed life into it and will air the $30 million series this April. Just in time for April Fool's! The CEO of this ReelzChannel place had this to say to People:

"We don’t enjoy controversy or want to pick a fight, but the history is the history. When you watch this, there are incredible successes and unbelievable tragedies. The family stays together and they're loyal to each other and to the country throughout the highest highs and the lowest lows.

The cast put their heart and soul into this, and with great care to accuracy of circumstances and visuals. We're so thrilled and proud of being able to step up and help this story be told that they so carefully created."

It was either ReelzChannel, or the producers were going to dub it in Spanish, add a few face slaps and "LAGARTES" and sell it to Telemundo for a box of chicles.

And no, I still don't know what a ReelzChannel is. Maybe I stumbled onto it one night and we never exchanged names, but I have until April to find it again!

The earthquake in Southern California yesterday was God's way of warning Hollywood that they better do right by his personal angel Betty White at this morning's Emmy Nominations. And they didn't, so those bitches better stop, drop and roll. Oh wait, that's what you do when a flame hops on your back. Well, they should do that anyways, because I won't be surprised if a bolt of lighting (or an angry gay aka me) is headed their way.

Yes, Betty White received ONE LITTLE nomination for her triumphant performance on Saturday Night Live, but we all know she should've been nominated in EVERY SINGLE CATEGORY. Best Stunt Coordination? Betty should've been nominated! Best Technical Direction? Betty should be sitting in that category too.

Kanye West should be shouting about how the Emmys hate Betty White People. White Oprah should be issuing statements on how this is so unfair to do this to such an innocent child. While I organize the BOYCOTT THE EMMYS movement (not really), you can shake your fist or do the dick slappy dance at the nominees below. They are recognizing Christina Hendricks and her magnificent chichis, so I'll give them that. The full list is here.

OUTSTANDING DRAMA
Lost
Breaking Bad
Dexter
Mad Men
True Blood
The Good Wife

OUTSTANDING COMEDY
Glee
Modern Family
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Nurse Jackie
30 Rock
The Office
Curb Your Enthusiasm

OUTSTANDING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA
Julianna Margulies (The Good Wife)
Mariska Hargitay (Special Victims Unit)
Glenn Close (Damages)
Kyra Sedgwick (The Closer)
January Jones (Mad Men)
Connie Britton (Friday Night Lights)

OUTSTANDING ACTOR IN A DRAMA
Jon Hamm (Mad Men)
Kyle Chandler (Friday Night Lights)
Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad)
Hugh Laurie (House M.D.)
Michael C. Hall (Dexter)
Matthew Fox (Lost)

OUTSTANDING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Lea Michele (Glee)
Tina Fey (30 Rock)
Toni Collette (The United States of Tara)
Julia Louis-Dreyfus (The New Adventures of Old Christine)
Edie Falco (Nurse Jackie)
Amy Poehler (Parks and Recreation)

OUTSTANDING ACTOR IN A COMEDY
Larry David (Curb Your Enthusiasm)
Alec Baldwin (30 Rock)
Matthew Morrison (Glee)
Steve Carell (The Office)
Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory)
Tony Shalhoub (Monk)

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY
Chris Colfer (Glee)
Neil Patrick Harris (How I Met Your Mother)
Jesse Tyler Ferguson (Modern Family)
Jon Cryer (Two and A Half Men)
Eric Stonestreet (Modern Family)
Ty Burrell (Modern Family)

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA
John Slattery (Mad Men)
Aaron Paul (Breaking Bad)
Martin Short (Damages)
Terry O’ Quinn (Lost)
Michael Emerson (Lost)
Andre Braugher (Men of a Certain Age)

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA
Sharon Gless (Burn Notice)
Christine Baranski (The Good Wife)
Christina Hendricks (Mad Men)
Rose Byrne (Damages)
Archie Panjabi (The Good Wife)
Elisabeth Moss (Mad Men)

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Jane Lynch (Glee)
Kristen Wiig (Saturday Night Live)
Jane Krakowski (30 Rock)
Julie Bowen (Modern Family)
Sofia Vergara (Modern Family)
Holland Taylor (Two and A Half Men)

OUTSTANDING REALITY SHOW (COMPETITION)
The Amazing Race
American Idol
Dancing with the Has-Beens
Project Runway
Top Chef

OUTSTANDING GUEST ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Kristen Chenoweth (Glee)
Jane Lynch (Two and a Half Men)
Christine Baranski (The Big Bang Theory)
Elaine Stritch (30 Rock)
Tina Fey (SNL)
Kathryn Joosten (Desperate Housewives)
Betty White (SNL)

The above picture is from Betty's new calendar which comes out in September. Proceeds go to the Morris Animal Foundation. I'm sure it will be nominated for a Pulitzer Award next year.

Vanessa Williams can now vacate her place in the unemployment and pass the baton over to Jennifer Love Hewitt and Julia Louis-Dreyfus, because they are out of a job today. It's a shit day for hos with three names.

TV Guide reports that Vanessa Williams will be shooting bootleg Botox into her forehead with Teri Snatcher behind the trailers on the set of Desperate Housewives, because she's joining the cast full time next season. There's no info on who she's going to play, but let's hope there's at least one scene where she gets to slappity slap slap Eva Longoria. Or a scene where she gets to slap Eva Longoria's brats on that show. Ugh. Those brats.

As for Jennifer Love Hewitt and Julia Louis-Dreyfus, CBS flushed both of their shows down the toilet this morning. But Entertainment Weekly says that ABC co-owns The Ghost Whisperer and The New Adventures of Old Christine, so there's a chance they could move over there.

One of my friend's memaws, who is like 876-years-old, is going to be devastated about The Ghost Whisperer. One time she spent at least an hour telling me all the ins and outs of that mess. Homegirl is hard for that shit. Although, she kept calling it The Ghost Talker, so maybe she won't realize it's dead for a few more months. Don't tell her ass.

Here's a list all the shows that have been put on a bus speeding towards the edge of a cliff. Even if you don't watch any of that shit, you can still drink to their death tonight. Hey, it's a reason.

R.I.P.: Defying Gravity, Flash Forward, Eastwick, Happy Town, The Deep End, The Forgotten, Three Rivers, 24, Dollhouse, Past Life, Heroes, Law & Order, Mercy, Trauma, Melrose Place, Ghost Whisperer, The New Adventures of Old Christine, Cold Case, Numb3rs, Accidentally on Purpose, Gary Unmarried, Romantically Challenged and Miami Medical.

Fox is expected to announce that 24's time is finally up and its 8th season will be its last. This is what Variety says. They are saying that Fox will release a statement in the next couple of days announcing that 24 has been canceled. I guess this isn't exactly pube-pulling news and many saw it coming.

Apparently, 24's ratings aren't what they used to be and the show costs too much to produce. Fox also wants to begin production on a 24 movie and they can't go forward with this until the show is off the air.

I don't think I've seen one episode of 24, but I have a friend (yes, I have one friend) who is on that shit like a wolverine on a tree. One time I called him to go and get a waffle cone with me and his response was, "Fuck off. 24 is on." So the next time I invite him out for a waffle cone, I can say, "Fuck on. 24 is off!"

And I'm re-thinking the title of this post. I think the Christmas trees have lost. Now that Kiefer Sutherland has more free time, he will most likely spend his days and nights tackling any Christmas tree he comes across!

QUICK! Get all the Christmas trees to the safe house. By the "safe house," I mean my mom's backyard. Seriously, every year my mom always misses the deadline for Christmas tree pick-up, so she just throws it in her backyard with the others. It's like a refugee camp for Christmas trees back there.

Yesterday morning, NBC's Chairman Jeff Gaspin fucked us all with the DUH stick by saying that Jay Leno will move his chin out of the 10pm slot on February 12th. Once the Winter Olympics finishes up, Jay will sit down in his new home at 11:35pm. Jeff went on to say that NBC is hoping Conan O'Brien will stay on as host of The Tonight Show, which will start at 12:05am (more like The Tomorrow Show). Jimmy Fallon's talk show will shoot itself up in the eyeballs with meth so it can stay awake for the 1:05am slot. However, all of this is up in the air, because Conan has yet to give the thumbs up to it.

The New York Post says that it's likely Conan will take his thumb and shove it up the peacock's ass. Last night, Conan apparently had a meeting with FOX about hosting a late-night show there. A source close to Conan said, "This level of shittiness was not expected. He's done a great job for NBC. He moved his entire staff, he moved his family to LA. And five months later, they repay him like this? Conan would be happier somewhere else."

If the Chicago Sun-Times is right, then it sounds like Conan could be much happier scratching his nalgas on his sofa while catching up on his stories. That's because if Conan decides to quit NBC and not move to another network, the peacock will have to buy him out of his contract by writing him a check for $80 million ($20 million per year for the remaining 4 years). And even if Conan does go to another network, NBC might still have to cut him a yearly check. Let's say FOX agrees to pay Conan $10 million a year, NBC will have to put another $10 million in his cleavage to fulfill the terms of his contract with them. Basically, the ginge will still be pissing liquid gold no matter what happens.

If I was Conan, I'd just move my talk show to public access for $1 a year, and air nothing but masturbating bear for a half hour. Actually, scratch that. If anybody wants to watch a bear masturbating for thirty minutes, they'd just tune into NBC at 11:35pm (STARTING THIS MARCH!!!!1!1!!1!).

Yesterday, TMZ said that NBC is moving Jay Leno out of his 10pm home to make way for The Biggest Loser: Toddler Edition. I made that last part up, but I hope it turns out to be true. We need more fat toddlers on TV. Anyway, their source claimed that Leno is sliding back into the 11:30pm slot, leaving Conan O'Brien's future at NBC up in the air. Well, TMZ has a little more information today.

According to their source (who probably looks like this), NBC has given Conan two options. Conan can either jump back a few places to the 12 to 1 slot. Or Conan can go to the trash room, pick out the sturdiest-looking cardboard box, return to his office and collect his things. If Conan goes with the latter, Leno's show will be a full hour. If Conan goes with the former, Leno's show will be thirty minutes.

Conan's team has told NBC that he's considering the offer. However, Conan's people are probably roasting marshmallows on his ass cheeks, because the ginge is fuming mad. Conan does not appreciate the peacock shitting all over his head without warning. If a peacock threw a diarrhea party on your head without asking first, you would be mad too.

And over at CBS, the female interns must be wearing burkas and Nixon masks, because Letterman has probably had an erection for the past 24-hours.

Or the better question would be, why does Nicole Richie hate herself so much?

So, Nicole is currently working on her own scripted comedy series for ABC. Nicole is planning to star in that shit as some business woman (copyright: Lisa Wu Hartwell) trying to juggle her professional life with her personal life. Think Ally McBeal but with a different skinny ho in the title role.

All that sounds fine and everything, but now The National Enquirer (via M&C) is saying that Nicole wants Asshole Simpson to be her co-star. This must be the work of the DEVIL (better known to you and me as Papa Joe).

A source said, "Nicole adores Ashlee, and she truly believes in her talent.With few other prospects on the horizon, Ashlee - who desperately wants to establish herself as an actress - was feeling down until Nicole stepped up."

Take a can of RAID to this mess! Ashlee barely got evicted from our TV screens and Nicole wants to drag her back to torture us more with her pube-pulling acting skills. There must be more to this. Maybe Nicole really wants to make into the Guinness World Records for having a TV show that was canceled before the promos even hit YouTube. If that's the case, Nicole is definitely on track.

Here's the bomb in Nicole's soon-to-be TV show strolling around NYC with Bronx Mowgli and Pete Wentz.

When are we going to start a foundation to help the endangered species known as the soap opera? They are all thirstay and in dire need of a drop of water in the form of 300,000 viewers at least. Unfortunately, it's too late for As The World Turns and it will breathe its last breath in September 2010. CBS issued this statement:

As The World Turns, the long-running daytime drama, will complete its final season on the CBS Television Network in September 2010. CBS has decided not to renew the show for the 2010/2011 broadcast season, thereby ending its 54-year run on the Network.

"Throughout our history, As The World Turns has remained dedicated to sharing compelling stories that have entertained fans for more than five decades," said Executive Producer Chris Goutman. "We are disappointed and saddened by the news that the show is not being renewed. It will certainly be a loss for all of us, and for the show's loyal audience."

You better tightly hug your favorite soap opera of choice, because it might be next! This is terrible news, because this means there will be less catfights, man stealing, baby switching and gold digging on TV.

And ATWT really tried! They did. They even had a dude-on-dude action on their show:

Usually, gay sex SAVES everything, but not in this case. Oh, gay sex, you have disappointed me so! YOU ARE DEAD TO ME (No, you aren't. I just said that for theatrical purposes).