TV

Since Nicolette Sheridan is no longer whoring up Desperate Housewives, they are in dire need of a resident slut, so they decided to cast Drea de Matteo (that's Adriana La Cerva to most of you hos) as a ho-ey matriarch of a new Italian family. EW's Michael Ausiello says that Drea will stick around all next season and they are currently trying to find a piece to play her husband.

While I enjoyed Drea's work in Prey For Rock & Roll and Joey (served on a bed of scalding hot sarcasm), she is not worthy of filling Edie's vibrator. Or should I say she's not worthy of being filled by Edie's vibrator.

You know what shit show Drea would be perfect on? The Real Housewives of New Jersey! Fuck that Wisteria Lane bullshit. Danielle needs a partner in fuckery and Drea is just the one! Together they can destroy Grandma Wrinkle's twin and her sister Don Vito Caroline.

For those of you skanks who have not finished season 1 of True Blood yet, might want to skip right off of this post, because I might drop a spoiler or two. And my inbox has met its daily quota for "Damn you motherfucker" e-mails. Save it for tomorrow.

All the promo shit I've seen for the second season of True Blood has been missing a very important bitch: LAFAYETTE! Yes, I already know that Lafayette is de-de-de-dead. Some dumb ho who read the series already told my ass that he gets killed off in book two. I still don't want to believe it's true! There has to be a way for Lafayette to return! Can't they make his ass a bitchy zombie? This cannot be the end for Lafayette!!!! Oh well. It was nice to see pictures of his ass at the premiere last night even though he was dressed like the "cool" substitute English teacher in high school.

Here's a few more pictures from last night. They are in order (by character name): LAFAYETTE, a tall glass of Swedish milk, Jason Stackhouse, Vampire Bill, Sookie GAPhouse, Tara, Maryann, Rene and the cast.

Time out. Mark-Paul Gosselaar needs to dress like this for the rest of his life! Katie Holmes needs to take notes, this is how you wear rolled jeans the right away. Under the lip.

Last night on Jimmy Fallon, Zack Morris returned to our lives! Zack appeared to promote some basic cable show he's on and to also confirm that he will be a part of The Saved By The Bell reunion Jimmy has been trying to put together. Kelly Kapowski and Screech are the only hos who have not yet agreed to the reunion. How has Kelly not RSVPed yet? She knows in her heart of hearts that she belongs with Zack. ~True love~

Below is Zack's entire appearance on the show. He even sings "Friends Forever." It's kind of not the same without the original members of Zack Attack, but it will do for now until we get the real thing. To be honest, this is kind of effing with my head. I'm so excited....I'm so excited...I'm so....scared.

Sweetie, darling, thank God, thank, God! The American butchery of the beloved classic Absolutely Fabulous has been cooked up, sliced and snorted! Hopefully, it will never be heard from again! Nikki Finke's Deadline Hollywood says that Fox has shooed the pilot away, because they just didn't think it was for them. Nikki says it might have been to "femme." Does "femme" mean "watered down shit" in TV-talk, because that's why the American version didn't work.

The pilot starred Kristen Johnston and Kathryn Hahn as Patsy and Edina. The setting was moved from London to Los Angeles. Before they shot the pilot, Kristen said that the American version was definitely more PC. She said there would be less smoking and probably no coke. Translation: FAIL. The original Patsy and Edina wouldn't even be able to move without a ciggie or a snort.

Sucks for Kristen, but YAY for us. If this actually made its way onto my TV screen, I knew I just had to watch it and I was dreading it. My liver was shaking too, because it knew that I would have to consume an entire liquor store just to deal. Our beautiful memories of Patsy and Edina remain intact. Phew. It was going to get ugly.

I mean, look at the picture above. They aren't even wearing Lacroix!

Desmond, Desmond, Desmond! Sit on your damn hands, man! Tickle the hole to ease a little bit of that sexual frustration, damn! I say this, because Desmond from Lost (real person name: Henry Ian Cusick) has been accused of illegally man-handling a former crew member on the show. Chelsea Stone filed a lawsuit against Desmond claiming he sexually harassed (AND SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO TAKE IT!) her on the Lost set in October 2007.

In the lawsuit, Chelsea says Desmond touched her nalgas and caressed her back while making moaning sounds (maybe he had bad Mexican for lunch?). After he finished giving her ass cheeks a little rub down, he straight-up motorboated her. Chelsea says Desmond put his face in between her breasts and "wagged his head back and forth." Um, Desmond, that kind of motorboat isn't going to get you off that island.

Chelsea says Desmond continued to fondle her breasticles and then he kissed her on the mouth.

When Chelsea complained to production, they did dick about the incident. She said that during the next few days, the other employees acted "hostile" towards her. A few days after that, Chelsea was dumped by the show and told to get her shit out of there. She got fired!

Chelsea is asking for an unspecified amount of cash from Desmond, ABC and the production company. She says she got physically sick after suffering "humiliation and severe mental and emotional distress."

Is it wrong that I was a little turned on by the image of Desmond motorboating? Yes, it is. I'm mad that the next time I watch Lost, I won't be able to fight the urge to push my chest bumps together and rub 'em against the screen. That's not right.

Source: E! Online

Jay Leno almost died today and had to be taken to the hospital. Not really, but he did have to go to the hospital for reasons only known by him and the ass specialist assigned to him. When hos go to the hospital and don't say why, I figure it's because they have the caca runs in an evil way. It would totally make sense with Jay. Jay is also being punished FOR THIS. The eyebrow gods bit him hard and cursed with the 'rrea.

UsWeekly says Jay wasn't feeling well earlier today, so he drove himself to the hospital in Burbank. He's now resting at home, but tonight's show has been axed. A repeat will air instead. You probably won't even notice, but I will!

Jay was supposed to have that succulent chunk of maple syrup-covered Canadian bacon who goes by the name of Ryan Reynolds on tonight. I was all ready to sit through Jay's yammering just so I could pinch at Ryan's nipples on my screen, "I'm pinching yo nipples."

Ryan was going to be on show to whore out that movie he's doing with Sandra Bullock. The only thing I want to know is what percentage of the movie does Ryan have his tittays out? They should include that in the tagline on the poster, "The Proposal: With 85% Ryan Reynolds titty action." That's how you sell tickets.

If you didn't watch the first season of True Blood, then Netflix that shit or suck a dick for a copy. That shit is good. I've been practically foaming at the ass (DON'T) for season 2 which starts in June. Well, Michael Ausiello says that Marilyn Manson's current bone polisher (they're back together, I hear) has signed up for 2 episodes.

Evan Rachel Wood will play Sophie-Anne, the 500-year-old Vampire Queen of Louisiana. In the books, Sophie-Anne is a 15-year-old French girl when she becomes a vampire.

Evan Rachel Wood looks like she sleeps in a buried coffin and she has the acting skills of a human body devoid of all working organs, so this sounds like a match to me! I just hope they dub her voice. I gladly put up with Anna Paquin's horrific cartoon-like Southern accent on that show, but I won't stand for Evan Rachel's! Bitch is probably going to sound like a Southern Count von Count. Dreadful!

DJ AM will help out crackheads and boozfiends in a new MTV reality show called Gone Too Far. The show will follow young hos who are hooked on the wrong shit and need an intervention in a bad way. DJ AM, a former drug slut himself, will work along with an addiction specialist to help friends and family get the crackhead they love into treatment. Does this shit sound familiar? That's because there's already a show like this and it is a fucking masterpiece!

MTV really just needs to shuttle the junkies off to A&E so Candy Finnegan, Ken Seeley and the pepaw with one of Susan Boyle's eyebrows on his upper lip (his name escapes me) can dry them out! Nobody has the touch like them! Seriously, nothing can come close to Intervention! What other show has given us LOLgems like "Waaaaaalken on sunshine" or (NSFW) "I'm a lay-deeeee of leeeeeisure"? None!

You know, every time I'm about to watch an episode of Intervention, I say to myself, "Don't you laugh this time. This isn't a laughing matter." But I do laugh. Every single time! This makes me a bad person. And you have my permission to make funny remix of me when I eventually end up Intervention in a few years.

VIA UsWeekly

The people of Turkey now have something to cleanse the shame off of them after a drunken night of sucking strange peens in the bathrooms of raggedy bars. Nothing makes you laugh to keep from crying quite like an episode of The Golden Girls and now Turkey has their very own!

Variety says Turkey will air a 13-part mini-series of our beloved national treasure. The cast is above and I bet you a store-bought cheesecake that you can't name who is playing who.

Clockwise from left: Hulya Kocyigit is DOROTHY! Nevra Serezli is my personal hero BLANCHE! Fatma Girik is SOPHIA! Turkan Soray is ROSE!

Yes, that sex pot with those "come bite my nipple" eyes is playing sweet little Rose! And that woman who looks like she knows the way to St. Olaf is playing big whore Blanche! You know, I think this is going to make the Turkish version of GG even weirder which makes it better.

When it finishes airing in Turkey, please put it on the next jet to America!

Remember during the fifth season finale on Melrose Place how Sydney Andrews got ran the fuck over on her wedding day by that stupid skank Samantha Riley? Everyone thought her ass was dead! I cried and a little piece of me also died that day. Well, Sydney has risen from the ashes and is back at Melrose Place! Fuck to the yes! This proves that ginge never dies!

The Hollywood Reporter says Laura Leighton has made time in her extremely busy schedule to reprise her role as Sydney Andrews in the new Melrose Place pilot. Sydney will play the landlord of Melrose Place.

This almost makes me forget the fact that a certain tardy Asshole Simpson is in this mess. I hope that in the pilot Sydney beats down Asshole the same way those street whores whipped her ass.

It's nice to see that Sydney finally found a respectable job as landlord. I mean, bitch was a call girl, a madam, a stripper, a cult member, a mental patient and a street whore! Oh, how I wanted to be her.

I was ready to fart all over this wreck, but now that Sydney is back, I have hope. And the writers better make Sydney say "Rot in HELL!!!!" at least a dozen times during the pilot.