Enrique Iglesias

Kat Von D and Deadmau5 started rubbing their tattooed genitals together last September and they stopped for a minute in November after she subtly accused him of passing his mau5 dick to another whore, but true love always prevails! Mau5 just couldn't get enough of licking Jesse James' dried jizz off of Kat Von D's stomach, because they got back together and now they're engaged to be married. Like two 15-year-olds who met on MySpace and live thousands of miles apart, Deadmau5 asked Kat Von D to be his future ex-wife on Twitter and tweeted a picture of the ring he's going to get her:

After Kat Von D printed that picture out and wrapped it around her finger, she typed these words:

And then DeadMau5 kept this public display of pure class going....

I really can't wait for them to get married on Skype, spend their honeymoon by posting stock pictures of tropical places on Instagram and give birth to a Tumblr before getting divorced on Facebook. A true modern day romance. Yes, Kat Von D just got engaged (for like the ten millionth time) to a DJ who regularly wears a mouse head and proposed to her ass on Twitter, but he's still a major upgrade from Jesse James. So there's that.

via UsWeekly 

For some of your asses, it's your first day back in cubicle purgatory after a long weekend of lying gut down on your sofa while sucking down a post-Christmas daiquiri (ingredients: leftover Christmas candy of all kinds, the cheap wine your cheap uncle brought to dinner and the perfume from The Dollar Tree that your cheap uncle's wife gave you as a gift) through a straw, so maybe these pictures of some Iglesias nipples will help to soothe your third hangover of 2012. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Michael, I like my Iglesias nipples well-aged and seasoned. Dáme Julio!", then I just have to say, "MOM! Put down your iPad and let's never subliminally speak about Iglesias nipples again."

Whenever I think of Enrique, I think of that beautiful brown face dingle that a possum gnawed off a few years ago after he spread a little queso on it. I still miss that succulent face nipple. I hope he kept it. Actually, since Enrique always goes on about his hamster peen, I hope he attached that mole to the end of his toddler dick to give him more girth. Enrique is mole-ed for Anna Kournikova's pleasure.

After Britney Spears' sleepdance and yawn-synch performance on Good Morning America yesterday, the USB stick inserted into her brain told her to announce that this summer she's co-headlining a national tour with Enrique Iglesias. The part of you that still lives in 2001 freaked the hell out before changing the channel to watch the premiere of Six Feet Under. But three seconds after the announcement was made, Enrique Iglesias pried himself off the tour the same way an alley rat pried that mole off his face with its teeth. Enrique no longer wants to be a part of Brit's beef jerky mime show.

TMZ says that the reason is because Enrique is a dramatic cunt diva queen who thinks his pussy poppin' game is tighter than Brit's and refuses to open for her or anybody else! Even though Enrique was billed as a co-headliner, he wants to close the show and not open it. A source said that Brit and Enrique's team spent weeks working out the details of the tour including placement and money issues. In the source's opinion, the deal was fair for both sides, but Enrique still thinks he's nothing but an appetizer for the main course (which tastes like soggy fried chicken and grits made with lukewarm tap water).

But a different source tells Billboard that Brit and Enrique are trying to work things in hopes that they will bring the hottest tour of 2001 to the US. And here's some EXCLUSIVO backstage footage of Enrique and Brit (I put your name before hers this time, Enrique, so don't bitch) in deep and heated negotiations last night:

The conclusion? Brit's got a case of overheated right foot. No, they didn't get around to discussing that tour shit, but they're on it!

Enrique really needs to fuck his ego orifice with an erect stick made of reason and get over himself! Think about it. Does Enrique really want to perform after Brit? Did he watch her on GMA and Kimmel yesterday? If he performed after Brit, he'd take the stage and find most of the audience in a coma that not even a Frapp injection to the heart could reverse. Fuck Enrique! Brit should get the Quizno's singing rats to co-headline with her instead. They'd have way more delicious foods in their dressing room, anyway.

And here's Brit doing the poop cocktail supreme stunt on Kimmel last night.

That Port-A-Potty really is a thing of magic, because Brit came out 20 pounds lighter, wearing a totally different color tank top and moved like she doesn't have rigor mortis bones.

It's a damn shame Brit didn't do the Jackass stunt herself, because then her weave would've finally gotten a proper bath!

Let out a cougar yelp and toast to 2010's Mrs. Robinson, because 46-year-old Vivica Fox has announced to Page Six that her 27-year-old club promoter boyfriend of a year, Omar "Slimm" White, put an 8-karat diamond ring on her hitchin' finger at the Ritz Carlton in Miami during the holidays. Viv recently bragged that her baby marking parts are of the Duggar variety, so put on your catchers mitt, because she'll be popping BABIES!!!!! out of her seasoned chocha any day now.

In case you need an answer to the question, "Why would the star of Three Can Play At That Game marry a 27-year-old club promoter?", visit Sandra Rose to see a picture of Slimm with his best part out (you have to log-in over there to play). Dick so large that it'll make your hairline jump back to praise the lord. No wonder the sight of Viv's face is making you snap your fingers and patiently wait for her twin to show up so that they entertain you with song. Slimm's gut busting peen gave her that cat scratch fever and it's written all over her face.

The beginning of Enrique Iglesias' newest single sounds like a goat trying to howl at the moon while riding in the back of a bumpy freight train, but if you stick with it he will utter the words you long to hear after you've walked down the veil, handed your bouquet to your maid (or gentlemen) of honor and looked into the eyes of the man you're going to spend the rest of your life with. He'll softly caress your face with his eyes as he says: "I'm sorry I don't mean to be rude, but tonight I'm fuckin' you." You'll be swooning until your ass lips fall off. Come to think of it, those are the words I long to hear from absolutely anybody including the night dude at the deli, the UPS guy who never looks me in the eye, etc... etc..

And yes, "Tonight (I'm Fuckin' You)" really is the title of Enrique's song and soft-core porn video. It's like a Lonely Island song written by The Situation. It practically comes with a travel-sized bottle of lube, a morning after pill and an envelope with his STD results in them. Enrique ain't fucking around about fucking around. Totally my future wedding song.

via NMAV