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The people of Turkey now have something to cleanse the shame off of them after a drunken night of sucking strange peens in the bathrooms of raggedy bars. Nothing makes you laugh to keep from crying quite like an episode of The Golden Girls and now Turkey has their very own!

Variety says Turkey will air a 13-part mini-series of our beloved national treasure. The cast is above and I bet you a store-bought cheesecake that you can't name who is playing who.

Clockwise from left: Hulya Kocyigit is DOROTHY! Nevra Serezli is my personal hero BLANCHE! Fatma Girik is SOPHIA! Turkan Soray is ROSE!

Yes, that sex pot with those "come bite my nipple" eyes is playing sweet little Rose! And that woman who looks like she knows the way to St. Olaf is playing big whore Blanche! You know, I think this is going to make the Turkish version of GG even weirder which makes it better.

When it finishes airing in Turkey, please put it on the next jet to America!

Remember during the fifth season finale on Melrose Place how Sydney Andrews got ran the fuck over on her wedding day by that stupid skank Samantha Riley? Everyone thought her ass was dead! I cried and a little piece of me also died that day. Well, Sydney has risen from the ashes and is back at Melrose Place! Fuck to the yes! This proves that ginge never dies!

The Hollywood Reporter says Laura Leighton has made time in her extremely busy schedule to reprise her role as Sydney Andrews in the new Melrose Place pilot. Sydney will play the landlord of Melrose Place.

This almost makes me forget the fact that a certain tardy Asshole Simpson is in this mess. I hope that in the pilot Sydney beats down Asshole the same way those street whores whipped her ass.

It's nice to see that Sydney finally found a respectable job as landlord. I mean, bitch was a call girl, a madam, a stripper, a cult member, a mental patient and a street whore! Oh, how I wanted to be her.

I was ready to fart all over this wreck, but now that Sydney is back, I have hope. And the writers better make Sydney say "Rot in HELL!!!!" at least a dozen times during the pilot.

I'll admit that I never watched one second of Guiding Light, but this still hurts, because soap operas aren't supposed to die. They are supposed to live on forever and ever! They are supposed to grow old with that box of baking soda you keep open in the back of your fridge. Seriously, why don't whores throw those out?

CBS announced today that after 72 years, 15 years on radio and 57 on TV, Guiding Light will play its last episode on September 18th. The big whore at CBS didn't give any reason on why Guiding Light was being snuffed out, but you know what they are going to blame it on..... THE ECONOMY! It's everyone's favorite fucking fall guy.

Now that Guiding Light has been taken out back and put down, what does this mean for the others?! Does my precious One Life to Live need to sleep with a shank under its bed, because it might be next? And then when they finish with the soaps, are they going to come for the court shows? NOT THE COURT SHOWS! I don't like where this is going. I will pop a bitch's eye with my teefs if they touch the court shows. That's how I get my daily dose of "smart TV."

And again, I never watched Guiding Light, but I still want to laminate that montage above and use it as a placemat. That's how I know my brain is still stuck in the 2nd grade. It wants to laminate all photo montages!

Source

And here they are. It's Kristen Johnston and Kathryn Hahn as Patsy and Edina on the set of the American slaughter of the British treasure Absolute Fabulous. No, it wasn't a vodka-induced nightmare. Is this real life? Yes it is.

Kristen and Kathryn can dump their costumes and scripts into that trash can and run for it. There's still time! There's still time to save the world. You know, I shouldn't fucking judge something that hasn't even aired yet, but look at them. At them, look. They look like two PTA moms who are trying to dress as Patsy and Edina for Slutoween. You can't try, you just have to be.

But I'm hoping these hos will prove me wrong. And expect to see HoHan in the exact same outfit Kristen is wearing. I think the costumers went through her dirty laundry.

There's good news and truly horrific awful bad news. The good news is that it looks like Asswipe Simpson's "music" career is still stuck between two rock hard butt nuggets in the toilet. The nightmare-inducing bad news it that because of this, she's going to be on the new Melrose Place. And my Tivo just threw itself out the window.

Michael Ausiello over at Entertainment Weekly says that Bronx Mowgli's mommy will play Violet, a small-town girl with a nose made out of old Barbie parts, on Melrose Place 2.0. The character sounds a lot like Sydney Andrews. This hurts. This is like redoing Dynasty and casting Tori Spelling as Alexis. Shove the curling iron deeper into my ass, The CW.

So far the cast includes some whores named Katie Cassidy and Michael Rady. Mischa Barton is still in talks to take one of the other roles. Producers are also trying to get Heather Locklear to return as Amanda. To which I say, "Stay the mother fuck away from this epic shit show, Heather!" Seriously, if she joins this caca party, not only will she be back to swallowing pill bottles whole, but she'll probably turn to fucking crack in order to deal. No, Heather. Amanda Woodward would never ever approve.

Why does The CW hate us so much? WHY?! Asshole Simpson on Melrose Fucking Place?! Methinks they really are trying to go down in history as the network with the show that got canceled the fastest. Because if Asshole and Mischa are on the same damn show, the plug will be pulled before the first commercial break of the first episode. And God will be holding the plug, because he's not going to let a travesty like this go on in the world. Fuck fuck no.

Every time I watch the marshmallow queen known as Cojo on ET or The Insider, my peen gets a little smaller. When his mug comes on the screen I have to run to the bathroom and cover my peen hole. If I watch an entire segment with him, I'll only be left with a clit. And not a Chyna-sized clit either! So, my peen welcomes the rumor that the sugarplump fairy might soon fly away from CBS.

Page Six says that the producers of ET and The Insider are looking to replace him with the head stylist of the show, because Cujo has become a real bitch who refuses to promote the shows. The source said, "His Q ratings have plummeted, and he's on so rarely now that if you break down what he gets paid per appearance, it's astronomical and not worth it." You mean, they don't pay him that queen in acorns, peroxide and glazed anal beads (his donut hole likes it extra sugary)?

A spokesbitch for ET and The Insider says Page Six's source is lie-telling on the major.

You know, Culo doesn't need that mess anyway! There's bigger things in his future! Now he can spend all his time to working on his Reno, NV dinner theater spectacle called Chastity Belt: The Chastity Bono Story.

SPOILER ALERT! Edie Britt, the resident cunt of Desperate Housewives, is done with that shit and will be leaving the show at the end of the season. This is gross news for the two of you who still watch this caca fiesta, me included. ABC confirmed Nicollette's departure to TV Guide.

ABC didn't say how Edie would be written off the show, but Ted Casablanca at E! claims he knows how it's going to go down. A script is currently going around has one of Edie's final scenes in it. According to Ted, this is what happens: "Edie finds out that her husband, Dave, plans to kill her—and Dave almost does kill her. She runs out of the house, but, alas, poor Edie gets in an accident, something involving her car and an electrical wire."

Please tell me this is a joke and that's not how Edie's swan song is going to play out. Unless, she gets electrocuted from masturbating with the electrical wire, this is not how Edie should go out. She deserves something grand and slutty. A freak vibrator accident, or accidentally choking to death on a massive wang. Something like that! Ugh.

Edie is not the one who should be sent to the glue factory. The bitch knows who Spaghetti Cat is! This is reason alone to keep her. Honestly, I'd do the "fuck yes" dance in my black thong if they threw Susan, Gaby and Katherine into coffins. It would be a quick death scene too. All three get trapped in an elevator together and die from annoying the fuck out of each other.

Well, here's yet another reason for me to find a way to program my TV to only show original shows from the 80s and 90s, because 2009 is bringing us more grade A SHIT. I guess I shouldn't be fucking shocked and appalled that The CW is actually going through with the Melrose Place remake. I was hoping that after they sobered up, they realized the mistake they were making. No.

Michael Ausiello at EW got a hold of the casting breakdown and looking at my ass wipe marks on a piece of toilet paper is more enjoyable than reading about these boiled broccoli characters. Judge Judy for yourself:

The new Jake and Amanda are... David Patterson and Ella Flynn. He's Melrose royalty, the now-grown son of the original Jake, with the taut abs and thick black book to prove it. She's his omnisexual sometime lover, a PR whiz whose tongue is as sharp as her stilettos.

The new Billy and Allison are... Jonah Miller and Riley Richmond. He's a Kevin Smith wannabe whose obsession with his movies is unlikely to give him a happy ending with his sickly-sweet schoolteacher fiancee -- especially when she takes a shine to the glamorous life he loathes.

The new Matt is... Auggie Kirkpatrick. A hunky hippie, this recovering alcoholic is willing to give everybody the benefit of the doubt. No word on whether the word sucker will be tattooed on Debbie Downer's forehead, but come on…

The new Jane is... Lauren Bishop. Sort of an anti-Michael, this straight-arrow med student falls on such hard times that she's forced to pull a Sydney and trade sexual favors for financial ones.

The new Sydney is... Violet Foster. Though she's fresh off the turnip truck, this small-town teen already has a worldly-wise m.o.: play the sex kitten till you're ready to bare your claws.

Gross, right? We all could come up with better characters during just one Happy Hour and that's the truth. If Sydney came back from the dead and strolled into Melrose Place with Amanda Woodward on one arm and Kimberly Shaw on the other, this fuckery might have a chance.

Kristen Johnston gave EW a little more information on what's going on with the new American butchery of the beloved Absolutely Fabulous. Kristen corrected the previous rumors that she's in talks to play Edie. Bitch is in the running for Patsy. Some bitch named Kathryn Hahn is in talks to play Edie. Okay, Kristen is more of a Patsy, but that still doesn't make it right.

I wish Kristen would have stopped right there when talking about this mess. Instead, she had to go further which drove the knife deeper into my back. The tip is practically sticking out of my chest. Kristen confirmed my deepest darkest fears about the show. They are basically taking away all the dirty shit and turning it into a big bowl of lukewarm Cream of Wheat made with tap water instead of milk.

Feel the pain when reading Kristen describe this future caca show, "I think they captured the exact amount of sweetie-darling. I mean, it’s a totally different element, it’s a totally different show. We don’t smoke, we are hungover all the time, we chew Nicorette, we’re trying to be more PC, but I think it really works. It’s one of those scripts that’s like my favorite kind because on paper you’re like, Oh, this is funny, but when you read it out loud with two actresses, it’s, like, the funniest shit ever."

Basically, this sounds more like a remake of that disaster High Society. This doesn't sound like
AbFab at fucking all. Why don't they just rename the characters and change the damn title to something like, Boiled Broccoli with No Velveeta On Top. Why drag the beautiful AbFab name down with them?

And on another note, when did Kristen Johnston become a garden lizard? Throw some dead flies at her mouth. That will keep her busy so she won't partake in effing up a TV classic.

As some of you know, Fox is going to fuck with the legendary TV experience that is Absoultely Fabulous. Why, you ask? Because that's what we do in America. We take TV shows from other countries and try to find ways to get them canceled in record time. Although, Kath & Kim is still breathing and I'm not sure why. I'll have to ask Satan that during our weekly conference call.

Variety says Kristen Johnston is in talks to play Edina Monsoon in the pilot. Kristen was at a table read with Fox HBICs last Friday. Kathryn Hahn was also in the table read, but it's not known what role she helped butcher. I'm guessing Patsy?

You know who should play Edina and Patsy? Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley! And only them! Kristen Johnston is fine, but she's looking a little like a Manhattan tortured wife who eats pill instead of food. Well, maybe she will work then? NO! She won't. Nobody will. Okay, Rojo Caliente and Phoebe Price would, but they would never agree to murder such a beloved classic.

This is going to be like Absolutely Fabulous dipped in oatmeal with bits of broccoli sprinkled on top. Instead of doing mounds of coke, they are going to get really "zany" on too much Red Bull. Instead of trying to have an orgy and failing, they are going to be humiliated during a speed dating session. It's going to be absolutely rated G.

I just want to tell the American version of AbFab to "take a holiday, darling. South of France."