TV

The Gossip Girl spin-off is really happening and it sounds like The CW wants to beat the record for the fastest canceled show in the history of television. They are centering the new show on a teenage Lily van der Woodsen growing up in 1980s Los Angeles during the whole "valley girl" craze. Gag me, gag them, gag everyone involved in this shit.

The plot will involve Lily running away from her parents and moving in with her bad sister in the San Fernando Valley. The description released by Warner Bros. goes on to say, "Caught between two worlds, Lily dives into the fast-paced Sunset Strip and the Hollywood lifestyle of the '80s, journeying over the hill to a world of wealth and excess that used to be her own."

The pilot will air on May 11th.

I will watch this crap if these things happen: Loryn from Valley Girl must be Lily's slutty best friend and Pia Zadora must play her as a teenager. They must use the phrases "fer shur" and "tubular to the max" as much as possible. Stacey Q must play the high school drama teacher and perform "Shy Girl" during an impromptu cafeteria fashion show in each episode. And L.A. Looks must be an official sponsor and the hair must reflect this.

The Morning Show with Mike & Juliet is responsible for bringing us the life-changing Spaghetti Cat into our world. For that we will forever be grateful. Now that they have served their purpose, they are shuffling off to take a permanent dirt nap. They've been canceled after 2 years. This time, Spaghetti Cat weeps for them.

One of the HBICs of Twentieth Television blamed money problems. I'm sure Spaghetti Cat could have spot them a few, but you know how cheap that pussy is. He won't even buy sauce for his noodles.

Now that there's a time slot open, Twentieth TV needs to do the right thing and put a Mike & Juliet spin-off in its place: The Happy Fun Time Spaghetti Cat Hour Of Power!

Source: THR

Thanks Becky

The trash TV gods were shining down upon us, because those dumb whores at Time Warner and Viacom decided to put their dicks away and settle their bitch fight. I swear, I was about to shuffle down to Time Warner and throw used condoms at their asses, because they were going to make me miss the Charm School Reunion Show (clip above)! If I didn't' get to see Sharon Osbourne take down that fat faced slut Megan, I was going to cut everyone's cable lines. If I can't see that shit, nobody can!

I can put my rusty razor away, because Vh1 and 18 other channels didn't go dark for Time Warner customers this morning. The dumb bitch CEO of Time Warner said, "We are pleased that our customers will continue to be able to watch the customers will continue to be able to watch the programming they enjoy on MTV Networks. We are sorry they had to endure a day of public disagreement as we worked through this negotiation."

They wouldn't say what the new terms of the deal are, but you better believe they are going to be charging us more. Even if they don't need to, they will, because now they have an excuse. Those greedy whores loves to roll around in as much money as possible.

I'm still giving the side-eye to both Time Warner and Viacom, but at least I have my Vh1 and Dora the Explorer! Seriously, Dora is some good shit, but only when you're stooooned.

Source

Time Warner Cable has beat me down and cut me up so many times before, but like a dumb bitch I never quit them and now it's going to eff me in the ass. I start going into minor convulsions when my cable goes out, so I'm afraid for my own safety come tomorrow. That's because 19 channels will go dark starting at 12:01am on January 1st for Time Warner Cable and Bright House customers.

It all has to do with Time Warner Cable and Viacom acting like two stupid ass skanks! Those evil bitches are fighting over money, of course. Time Warner says Viacom wants to charge more for use of their whores including: MTV, MTV 2, MTV Hits, MTV James, MTV Tr3s, Comedy Central, CMT, Pure Country, Logo, Palladia, Nickelodeon, Noggin, Nick 2, Nicktoons, Spike, The N, TV Land, Vh1, Vh1 Classic and Vh1 Soul. Time Warner Cable doesn't want to pay, because they will have to charge their subscribers more if they agree to it.

No Colbert! No Double Shot At Hep! No Three's Company reruns! No MTV True Life! No Charm School reunion show! None of that! I might as well move to Tibet to become a monk, because I'm fucked. TV and booze are the only two friends I can count on in this world to keep me from flushing myself down the toilet. How will I go on without 19 less channels to choose from? Hmmm. Maybe I can make my dog wear a tin foil hat, run a cord from his ass to my TV and have him stand outside on the window ledge. I would probably get better service too compared to Time Worthless Cable! Don't worry, I'll pay him with freshly baked cat cookies and air kisses. I'd give him real kisses, but I'm afraid of heights.

Viacom created a little PSA above asking whores to complain to Time Warner, because if they don't come up with a solution soon, cable TV will die tomorrow.

But why should we have to call and complain? These idiots need to settle it themselves! Shoot each other! Shank each other! Fist each other! Cage wrestle each other! I don't give a fuck as long as I have my Vh1 tomorrow morning.

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A few weeks ago there was a blind item about some TV bitch getting fired but not knowing it yet. Well, it seems like that the bitch in question is Balthazar Getty. The Ausiello Files has it on good authority that the producers have quit Balthazar. Last week, they told him that they weren't going to renew his contract as a full-time ho, but they are in talks to keep him on as a recurring character. This means there's really no plans to put his ass six feet under.

A few sources told Ausiello that Balthazar getting demoted has nothing to do with the rumors that he's been acting like a fucktard on set. They said it was all about budget issues. They feel that Balthazar's character really isn't that important, so he was the one that earned a ticket to the glue factory.

Yet another reason for Sienna Miller to dump this bastard forever. The dick is stale. The bitch is still married. And he doesn't have a full-time gig anymore. Sienna is a mega slut who deserves better peen. A peen that can at least buy her a Happy Meal after fucky times. I know it's wrong, but eating a Happy Meal after sex is really enjoyable.

File this under: I better get a bigger TV. HBO loves big dick and has picked up the dark comedy called Hung starring Thomas Jane and my favorite bitch from Happiness, Jane Adams. The show is about a dude with a mega dong. Basically, it sounds like what my dreams look like every night.

The show's creators, who also did The Riches, say it's not just about gargantuan peen. They said it's about a struggling Michigan high-school basketball coach who figures out a way to make the most out of his epic peenzilla. They went on to say, "It has its sexual moments, but the show is very much about what's happening in the country, how people are trying to survive using what God had given them."

BLAH...BLAH...BLAH....just show me the damn wang! I'm hard up. And I don't want a plastic stunt peen either. They better find the real shit. In the song Nasty Girl, Vanity says she needs 7 inches or more, but we're going to need something bigger for this shit. I'm talking about 10 inches or more. Dick that will make your no-no shake and scream for mercy at first sight. Dick that will make your jaw automatically lock and refuse to open. Dick that will hurt somebody!

Source

John Stamos has failed me. He was supposed to be the force behind bringing Kimmy Gibbler back to where she belongs: my Tivo queue. John was working on a spin-off of Full House, but has now given it up and swept it into the gutter. Kristine at E! has delivered the tragic news that John is no longer going to try and make a Full House remake happen, because he is a selfish and evil person who obviously has hate in his heart for Kimmy.

A source said, "We couldn't make the deal. It's completely dead right now." The "insider" (aka DJ's Pillow Person) went on to say, "It could happen in the future."

When in the future?! Kimmy Gibbler's comeback needs to be fasttracked! A few hos have told me that Kimmy is living in California, working at a college, begging to get back to San Francisco and into those totally hot outfits. Actually, I guess she hates being called Kimmy Gibbler. Yeah, weird. That's totally her name.

Anyway, I will totally forgive John if he promises to reunite with The Rippers and play this song at my funeral party:

What in the barley water Xenu hell is this shit all about?! Tommy Girl got a Best Supporting Actor nomination for his "blink and you'll miss it" cameo in Tropic Thunder. Who's Caesar Salad with extra dressing did he toss to get nominated? The better question is probably who's Caesar Salad hasn't he tossed in Hollywood? Does it only take wearing a bald cap and acting like a fool to get nominated? If that's the case then Coneheads should have swept the GGs back in '93. ....the fuck?!

The other dudes in Tommy's category include Robert Downey Jr. (Tropic Thunder), Ralph Fiennes (The Duchess), Philip Seymour Hoffman (Doubt) and Heath Ledger (The Dark Knight).

Heath was the only one nominated from The Dark Knight.

In the other film categories, Brad Pitt was nominated for that baby with old face movie. St. Angelina was nominated for that "He is not mah son" movie. Sean Penn got one for Milk and Mickey "My Face Kills Bunnies" Rourke got one for The Wrestler. Both Meryl Streep and Kate Winslet were nominated twice. Meryl for Mamma Mia! (ew) and Doubt. Kate for Revolutionary Road and The Reader.

During the nominations, the audience started laughing their shit off when Tommy Girl and James Franco (for Pineapple Express) were nominated. I didn't laugh when they announced Tommy, I slapped myself, poured rubbing booze in my ears and rewinded to make sure I heard correctly.

On the TV side....TRUE BLOOD WAS ROBBED!!!!! TB only got two nominations: one for Best Drama and one for Anna Paquin. No nominations for Lafayette and Tara! They are the best bitches in that shit! Anna Paquin is the least most interesting ho in that crap. RECOUNT!

While I go and write my "You are True Blood H8RS" letter to the Foreign Press Association, click here to see all the Golden Globe Nominations.

AND no Phoebe Price for her life-changing role in Get Smart! I can't.....

I am so confused after reading this shit. Jay Leno was all set to quit NBC and there were rumors that he was going to take his chin game to ABC. That's not going to happen anymore. Jay Leno is going to stay at NBC, but basically his show is going to move to the 10pm hour before the news. Conan O'Brien is going to take over The Tonight Show next year.

Jay's 10 o'clock show will run Monday through Friday, 5 days a fucking week. What the hell is going to happen to Law & Order? I don't watch that show, but I do enjoy their commercials. They are so damn dramatic.

I guess, the 10pm hour has always been a bitch for NBC. They are also looking to cut costs, because the economy is being gross and Leno's show itself is relatively cheap to produce.

Jay's fans must making out with their bowl of Cream of Wheat this morning, because they are so happy about this news. Those memaws and pepaws no longer have to hold their eyes open with clothespins in order to stay up past 11pm.

Personally, I think a better idea would be to give Dateline NBC's To Catch a Predator the 10pm slot 5 days a week. I mean, 5 nights of Chris Hansen, iced tea and moronic pedos? Gold! They can even bring Jay Leno in if they want to tell jokes to the pedos as they shuffle off to the clink.

Source: LA Times

John Stamos must be hard up for a paycheck, because he's working on a remake of Full House. Candace Cameron Bure, who played DJ Tanner, told OK! Magazine (via SFGate), "John has been working on a semi-remake of Full House. I know it would involve me and Jodie Sweetin. We would revive our characters, but today as young women."

Fuck DJ. Fuck Stephanie. Fuck them all. This must star Kimmy Gibbler! She was the only reason I watched that oatmeal mess of a show. I always wondered whatever happened to Kimmy and her truly hot clothes.

Part of me thinks Kimmy ran off to DC and got a job in the mail room of the White House. After a few months, she unwittingly becomes President of the United States! Hey, it can happen. Then she brings back the whole gang to be her cabinet members. They can call it Full White House!

Or maybe Kimmy ran away to NYC to become a fashion designer. After many failures, she's forced to take a job as a day-shift stripper. That's when she gets addicted to crack. They can call it Full Crack House! The Olsen trolls would fit perfectly into that plot.

P.S. - When I was googling Kimmy Gibbler, I found this on Urban Dictionary:

1.kimmy gibbler: When you refuse to leave after you have a one night stand, even when they ask you nicely.

"Last night I met some whore at the bar....we came back to my place and she gave me the Kimmy Gibbler....she fucked the hell out of me and then refused to go home when I asked her nicely."

HOW RUDE!

Thanks Shanta