TV

Hollywood will never stop murdering our beloved classics, but this time they are taking a gem from the silver screen and butchering it for television. ABC has ordered a TV pilot based on "The Witches of Eastwick." NBC shot a pilot for Eastwick in 1992, but it never got picked up. Um....shouldn't that have been a sign to ABC?

The new pilot will be written by Maggie Friedman who has written a few episodes of "Dawson's Creek." Variety reports that it will be a "variation" of the movie. Translation: It will be a caca version of the movie.

At this point, I've given in to Hollywood sending our favorites to the guillotine. Nothing really shocks me anymore. They could fucking remake "Gone with the Wind" with Heidi and Spencer in the leads and I wouldn't be surprised. The whores of Hollywood are mass murderers!

And I doubt the shitty Witches of Eastwick TV show will feature such amazing lines as "I always like a little pussy after lunch" or "I hope his dick is bigger than his I.Q." Speaking of Heidi Montag, she's totally going to be in Eastwick. Believe it.

"Desperate Housewives" was only hot during season 1 and then it quickly became a borefest. I blame Eva LongWHORIA. The show's creator, Marc Cherry, said that this shit will end after season 7. Season 5 will begin airing in the fall.

He said, "I love working with these gals, but the idea of letting anyone else take the show from me kind of makes me sad and sick to my stomach. Of course, this could be some clever ruse on my part to get tremendous amounts of money in season eight, but who knows." Ugh. Why did he have to say that last part? It's probably the truth.

Season 7 can't come sooner! After the finale, LongWHORIA will quickly go from Direct-to-DVD star to Lifetime movie star to Skinemax star to reality star to completely dropping off the face of the planet. It will be a long journey to an Eva-free world, but there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Has Katherine Heeeeeeigl's fat mouth finally caught up with her? According to Marc Malkin, the creator of Grey's Anatomy, Shonda Rhimes, wants the bitch dead! Well, she wants her character dead at least. Shonda is apparently still livid about Heigl's Emmy comments. In case you were drunk that day, Heigl did not submit herself for Emmy consideration because she felt she didn't have good material to work with.

A source said, "It's not good there. Shonda is pissed. They're thinking of killing her off. They want Izzie dead." Such beautiful words have never been spoken.

The feeling might be mutual. It's been rumored that Heigl wants out of her contract because she thinks she's A-list now. A for Awesomely Assholey.

They shouldn't kill the hag. Not just yet. They should slowly torture her by giving her the worst storylines ever. One week, Izzie develops a mental disorder that makes her bark like a dog instead of talking. She could bark throughout the whole episode. Another week, Izzie has chronic diarrhea and spends most of the episode shitting in her panties.

In her final episode, they should replace Katherine Heigl with Izzie the dog. That hot bitch needs a major comeback.

Proving once again that talent doesn't matter in Hollyweird, Nicole Richie is getting ready to turn her novel "The Truth About Diamonds" into a TV show. That shit is about some dumb bitch in Hollywood who is adopted into rock royalty and finds herself....forget it. Like you give a giraffe's penis (don't click on that) about the plot of this crap.

Nicole told E! that she's planning to take on my roles for the show, "I would definitely produce and definitely be in the show. I don't know if I need to be the star of this show. I've got a lot going on right now." Yes, ordering nannies around, going to Starbucks ten times a day and buying a bunch of fugly shit really keeps her busy.

I'll admit that I wasted a few hours of my life reading the book Nicole Richie clearly didn't write. It wasn't as bad as Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do you see? (I hate that shit, I'm sorry), but it has no business becoming a TV show. I'd rather watch every episode of "Babes" than 1 hour of Nicole's show.

America ruins everything and this is no exception! The American version of the beloved Australian comedy "Kath & Kim" has already shot its first episode. NBC has also bought 7 more episodes bringing its order total to 13 episodes. Molly Shannon plays Kath and Selma Blair plays Kim. Give it a bone, NBC!

NBC might as well just stab me in the heart with Skeletor's clavicle bone. This is illegal!

I'm not that only one that is shitting mad about this fuckery. Selma Blair spoke to news.com.au about the Australian backlash, "Some people are really protective and horrified that we're doing it in the United States."

The crappy US version will take place in a suburb in Florida. It's the same set-up. Molly will play an overly positive mother and Selma will play her celebrity-obsessed, bitchy daughter.

Selma also claims she gained some weight to play chunky ass Kim, "The joke is I wear the same clothes from when I was 13 and when I sit down there will be a big roll over my shorts and I call myself the hottest thing. There will definitely be the appearance of a thong or two."

Kath & Kim is the one of the only shows that makes me laugh until I barf. "Cops" is the other show, but for different reasons.

You can already see the Americanization from just the first photo! Molly and Selma are supposed to look frumpy and fugly! They look semi-hot. Epponnee Rae is not happy about this.

VIA ONTD

Friends: The Movie?! Smelly Cat NO! This is not a good idea, unless they call it, Friends: The One Where The Central Perk Blows Up With All Of Them In It.

According to the Daily Mail, the cast of Friends is ready to terrorize the big screen thanks to the success from the Sex and the City movie. I knew nothing good could ever come out of that movie.

An insider thinks the movie can come together within the next 18 months. The cast has apparently been ready for a while, but Jenny Aniston was the one who wasn't so sure about a movie. Some source said, "As the biggest star of the Friends franchise, Jennifer can't help but look at what's happened with Sarah Jessica Parker and the Sex And The City film and be a little jealous. What's held back a Friends movie so far is that people were worried that Jennifer had simply become too famous to play Rachel again." Yeah, some big star. "Derailed" anybody? "Rumor Has It" anybody?

Please, no more movies based on crappy TV shows! The only TV show to feature film allowed to be made is "It's A Living!" I mean, Ann Jillian and Marian Mercer? Magic! Intro below:

The television event of the century has been called off! Latarian Milton was supposed to fly to California next week to bring a little "hood rat stuff" to Judge Judy. Judge Judy has taken back her invitation after Latarian's memaw, Vikkita Stratford, told CBS12 that the Judge Judy show approached her about suing her own daughter.

Vikkita said the show requested she sue Latarian's mother for $5,000 to pay for the damages made to her SUV. The SUV that Latarian stole and took for a joy ride. The show was going to fly Latarian, his mommy and his memaw to California for the July 1st taping.

Judge Judy issued a statement saying she canceled the taping after finding out the shady deal, "Judge Judy does not believe in fostering litigation and if that is what happened, then canceling the case was the only option."

JJ only canceled the show to save face after she got caught!

I might as well throw my TV in the trash now that Hood Rat Stuff isn't going to be on it anytime soon. I shouldn't be so negative. Latarian will soon grace our television screens. He's on to bigger and better things like a co-starring role on "Cops" or his own show on Vh1. "Hood Rat Stuff of Love."

Patrick Swayze isn't letting a thing called pancreatic cancer stop him from doing what he's good at. He's just signed on to star in the A&E series "The Beast."

The Hollywood Reporter reports that the ""Beast," centers on an unorthodox but effective FBI veteran (Swayze) who trains a new partner (Travis Fimmel) in his hard-edged and psychologically clever style of agenting while being pursued by a secret Internal Affairs team."

Production on the 13 episodes begin this summer in Chicago. The show will air in 2009.

The Swayze will continue treatment at Stanford University Medical Center while shooting the show. He said, "I have searched for quite a long time to find a character that is this multi-layered, unpredictable and downright entertaining, as well as a project this current and cutting-edge."

He's back! As much as I can't wait to see The Swayze on TV, I really think he should put out a full-length album. "She's Like The Wind" and "Raising Heaven (In Hell Tonight)" are both on heavy rotation in my iTunes.

"Ugly Betty" is about to get gayer. Like that's even possible. Michael Urie who plays Marc on the show told a British radio station that an "Ugly Betty the Musical" might be in the works sometime soon.

He said, “They do want to do an "Ugly Betty" musical, a full-on Broadway musical, but it’s all hush-hush. I think it would be great, and they should use the cast from the show. I think we would all do it, although we maybe don’t dance and sing as well as professional singers and dancers. I think it would be fun for us to do it for a while, and then they could get real people in. They definitely want to do an episode that is a musical one, but then they want to do a full stage show. I think it’s a great idea. It would definitely work.”

Why did I picture him saying this without taking one breath?

Anyway, this is what happens in the world of show business. They strike gold with a show like UB and then find ways to completely fucking ruin it. The Broadway musical will be followed by a reality show, theme park ride and then a line of ponchos.

Although, if they insist on doing a Broadway musical they should get Jordin Sparks to play Betty. Every time I see Jordin on TV, I immediately confuse her with America Ferrera. They might be the same person.

Source: LA Times

9021-NOOOO! Above is a promo of The CW's 90210 and I'm not impressed. This shit looks like footage from a Christian rock video.

Whenever I hear the first few beats of the 90210 theme song, I'm expecting to see Brandon fake punch Dylan. Instead, I'm seeing two strangers playing pattycake. The producers need to hear my screams already! This show will be nothing without Brenda Walsh!

Okay, the Naomi bitch is sort of hot. You can already tell she's going to be the cokehead slut. Oh wait, this is The CW. They sanitize everything. She'll be the ciggie smoking serial kisser.

I'm still depressed. Below is the original intro for Beverly Hills 90210. Now this is the real shit right here!