TV

SPOILERS AHEAD! Keep moving if you don't want to be spoiled! I'm warning you.

The Desperate Housewives season finale was last night and as expected, the show fast-forwarded five years into the future during the last few minutes. Didn't "One Tree Hill" do this shit already? Anyway, here's what we learned:

Gaby looks like shit and has two little brats.

Bree is some sort of Martha Stewart-type with a cookbook and major career. She's also back with Orson.

Lynette's twins are bad teens with police records

Katherine's daughter gets engaged

Susan is not with Mike anymore. She's with the hot dude from Queer As Folk.

It was entertaining and everything, but where the hell was Edie in that flash-forward?! Edie is obviously not gone forever. I'm guessing that she ends up with Mike and the two live on Wisteria Lane. They can't get rid of Edie and they won't get rid of Mike! I was hoping that the flash forward included Gaby's funeral! I'm over that skank.

I also shed a little tear when Mallory Keaton was shot.

Below is a clip of the fast-forward:

Rob Estes has signed on to star in the CW's "90210," completing the cast. Rob will play the new principal of West Beverly Hills High. He moves his family from Kansas to Beverly Hills to take care of his boozy mother played by Jessica Walter. Lori Loughlin will play his wife. The spin-off premieres this Fall.

Rob is best known for playing that hot bitch, Kyle McBride, on Melrose Place. Rob went on to marry Jane Mancini aka Josie Bissett. As much as I adored Beverly Hills 90210, Melrose Place was always my favorite. Sydney Andrews is the hottest woman to have ever graced my TV screen. Since we're talking about MP, below is one of my favorite moments between that hag Jane and the gorgeous Sydney. Sydney was so misunderstood!

Source: The Hollywood Reporter

The city of Memphis has decided to cut ties with A&E's "The First 48" which means one of Dlisted's Hot Sluts of the Week, Caroline Mason, won't be on TV anymore.

Memphis has become one of the favorite featured cities on the show. The show's executive producer said she didn't know why Memphis broke up with them, "I really have no idea. I mean the people of Memphis seem to love it."

The Memphis Police Department said the homicide detectives need a break. NO! Caroline doesn't need a break. She is not done sharing her glamour and detective skills with the country. A&E better take this tragedy and turn it into a TV show. A TV show starring St. Caroline Mason! Think Columbo, but with more lip liner and elegance.

City leaders say being on the show has given Memphis a bad rap! "Memphis is not unlike any other urban city where we have our challenges, but it's certainly a great place to live, and we want to advocate that to others and encourage them to visit our city."

Bad rap?! I'm tempted to move to Memphis just to be closer to Sgt. Caroline Mason! I will miss her. Below is a fan video of Caroline's best moments.

Source

Thanks Blake

In order to get into bed with Doogie Howser, I have to sell my soul to Disney, become a pop star, get married to a douche, have 2 kids, get a cheeto addiction, get fat, get a frapp addiction, go crazy, shave my head, check into rehab, lose my kids and capture the pity of America. If that's what I have to do, I'll do it.

Brit Brit Spears triumphant return to "How I Met Your Mother" was last night. Honestly, I fast forwarded through most of it. Britney can't act and the script was caca. Put those two things together and you've got cheetos covered in caca. Delicious to some, but not to me. I did like seeing Doogie in bed though, so that's a plus.

If you missed any of it, you didn't miss much. Just in case you care, here's links to all of Brit's clips. Try not to watch them all in one sitting. Cheeto overload!

Brit on HIMYM - Clip 1
Brit on HIMYM - Clip 2
Brit on HIMYM - Clip 3
Brit on HIMYM - Clip 4
Brit on HIMYM - Clip 5

Brenda Walsh better have something to say about this! Jennie Garth has officially joined the Beverly Hills 90210 remake as that ice bitch Kelly Taylor. Kelly will is a guidance counselor at West Beverly Hills High. The Hollywood Reporter is reporting that Jennie will not be a series regular. Thank God! I could never look at Kelly the same way again after what she did to Brenda!

Tori Spelling and Ian Ziering are also lobbying for parts. WTF! The only two bitches from the original show that should come back are Brenda and Nat from The Peach Pit. Seriously, they have to bring back Nat. Who the hell is going to help these twats with their problems while serving them shitty looking pie?

The remake also stars Lori Loughlin, Jessica Walter, AnnaLynne McCord, Dustin Milligan, Ryan Eggold and Shenae Grimes.

Below is a classic fight between Kelly and Dylan, because he doesn't listen to a thing she says. Um...Kelly....nobody does!

Katherine Heigl...Heigl...Heeeigl. You know, every time I say her last name, it feels like I'm hawking up a loogie. That's pretty fitting since she looks like one. Anyway, our first lady of loogies might leave "Grey's Anatomy." A source told UsWeekly (via MSNBC) that loogie is getting tired of that shit.

The source said, “She's working really long hours and is ready to move on." Loogie is currently locked in a contract, but is trying to find a way out. She wants to leave the show, so she can focus on her movie career. We know how that works. In a couple of years, she'll be begging to play Tracey Gold's sister in a Lifetime movie.

One insider said it was smart for her ass to make movies while she's still on Grey's. The insider said, “She’s a smart one. She saw what can happen with someone like Jennifer Aniston, who was crazy successful on TV, but can’t seem to carry a film, and she tested the waters early."

Heigl should move on already. A talent like her belongs on the stage. I hear Mars has a pretty amazing theater scene.

Ryan Gaycrest already has a radio show, a TV job on E!, American Idol and now comes word that he may violate our TV screens even more. The Scoop reports that Gaycrest is in talks to replace Larry King later next year. CNN must really despise this country.

Gaycrest regularly fills in when Larry goes and gets his heart restarted. A sourcie said that Gaycrest is looking to make a serious change in his career, “He's so serious about his career, but like anyone, he wants it to evolve. Hosting ‘Larry King’ would be perfect for him." If he wants a serious change, might I suggest early retirement? I'm sure there's a deserted island somewhere with his name on it.

A spokeswhore for Gaycrest would not comment.

Don't you fret, this disaster will never take place. Larry King is never retiring, because he will live on forever. Zombies don't die.

Thanks Mike

Jessica Walter from "Arrested Development" will play the 1970s faded movie star, Tabitha Mills, in the CW's remake of Beverly Hills 90210. The Ausiello Scoop reports that Tabitha is the drunk granny of the show's central teen characters. Lori Loughlin has already been cast as Tabitha's daughter.

The cast also includes Ryan Eggold, AnnaLynne McCord, Dustin Milligan and Shenae Grimes. Producers are still talking to Jennie Garth about reprising her role as that slutbitchwhoreskankuglytramp Kelly Taylor.

This is turning out to be a truly random and hilarious cast. The hot bitch from "Play Misty for Me" and Aunt Becky from "Full House" in the same cast together? This is going to be a mess like Kelly Taylor's life! You know, I was doing some reading on Kelly Taylor today (SHUT UP) and that bitch was raped, shot at, addicted to drugs, joined a cult, had a miscarriage, went to rehab, was stalked by another rehab patient and got caught in a burning house. She also shot at her rapist and got amnesia. The bitch had problems.

Here's a classic clip of show's shining star, Brenda Waslh, fantasizing about murdering Kelly and Dylan.

Praying to my makeshift Brenda Walsh shrine in my bathroom towel closet paid off! Hilary Duff's annoying ass will not be in the Beverly Hills 90210 remake. It was reported that Hils was reading the script and considering one of the lead roles. She told UsWeekly, "No, it's not true." Praise the Peach Pit!

The show has cast a hot bitch in another role though. Lori Loughlin aka Aunt Becky from Full House is joining the 90210 remake as Celia Mills, a former Olympic medalist and mother to central teens Annie and Dixon. The show will central on the Mills family who move from the Midwest to Beverly Hills. Don't tell me Lori is the new Carol Potter! There is no replacing Cindy Walsh.

Keeping with tradition, here's a 90210 scene where David finally takes pity on Donna and does sex to her nasty body I remember watching this shit hoping that one of the candles would fall on Donna's soccer mom hair.

UPDATE: The role that Hilary Duff didn't take in the 90210 remake has gone to actress Shenae Grimes of Degrassi: The Next Generation. (Ausiello Reporter) - Thanks Jesse

The Insider has confirmed that Brit Brit will reprise her role as Abby in "How I Met Your Mother." Production on her episode begins today and it will air May 12th.

FOX released the episode's synopsis: "Barney and Abby realize that they have one thing in common, their mutual hatred of Ted. The new 'couple' decides to go to the bar to flaunt their new relationship in Ted's face. Desperate to get a rise out of his former pal, Barney pops a surprising question to Abby. "

Two things spring to mind. One, I hope they make Doogie Howser swap spit with Brit Brit. That kiss would turn him gay....again. Second, the surprising question better be, "Brit, can I see what's underneath that busted weave?" Seriously, I need to know what's hiding under there. Methinks it's London and Carla. They are keeping themselves alive by eating the Cheeto dust that is constantly floating around Brit.

In other Brit news, TMZ reports that Brit and KFed's Child Custody Evaluation report was delivered to lawyers on Friday. The report is several hundred pages long and their source claim it's both "encouraging and damaging for Britney." A hearing is scheduled May 6th.

This shit needs to be leaked! It sounds like perfect Summer reading!