Sharon Stone

This is 51-year-old Sharon Stone with her chichis out on the cover of Paris Match. In case you couldn't tell, they used a whole lot of fards for these pictures. Fards everywhere! Fards on her face! Fards on her hair! Fards on her teefs! Fards on her elbows! Fards on her titty sacks! Fards on her nipples! Fards on her pussy bone! Fards! Fards! Fards! They also used a whole lot of le Photoshop. They really brought the Pshop fuckery American-style! I'm surprised her nipples aren't pixelated.

Now, I'm not doubting that Sharon Stone has a hot body, but she does not have skin like a brand new mannequin out of the factory.

Warning: Clicking on some of the thumbnails below may result in a cougar nipple hitting you in the face.

Bat Boy put Xtina up to this, right? He wants to become Transylvania's hottest couple and that's why Xtina's eyebrows vant to suck my blood. It's not normal for a pair of eyebrows to look like they want to take me into their arms, lead me in a waltz around the room and sink their teefs into my neck after dipping me. No, eyebrows should not look like they belong on a box of Count Chocula. Those are some super vampire eyebrows too! We shouldn't be seeing them in pictures. Strange powers!

I'd be willing to look past Xtina's continuous violation of red lipstick if she rectifies her eyebrow situation. Throw some garlic powder on those things and start again. Bat Boy isn't always right.

Xtina and her dracu-brows serenaded the crowd with her glorious "chipmunk getting castrated without anesthesia" voice at an event for the Gay & Lesbian Center of L.A. last night.

This party was a clusterfuck! Some of the hos were just there for the photo-op while others were obviously just there for the open bar (IN THIS ECONOMY). And why does Wonky McValtrex keep getting invited to events? Doesn't that break several health code violations? I need to look it up.

Anyway, here's some of the trollops at last night's party. They are: Linda Perry, the dead Pomeranian on her head, Xtina, rapey-faced Slade Smiley, Gretchen "No Moral Character" Rossi, Cybil Shepherd, Wonky, Cybil's gayelle daughter Clementine Ford, Dita Von Teese, rapey-faced Doug Reinhardt, legendary Jennifer Coolidge and Sharon Stone.

Mensa's most famous NOT-member, Sharon Stone, is denying that she wanted to Botox her son's feet because they smelled like shit. In court papers released a couple of days ago, a judge stated that Sharon wanted her 8-year-old son Roan to get Botoxed in the feet to cure his foot odor.

Sharon's lawyer issued this statement to UsWeekly: "This week it was reported in connection with Sharon Stone's custody dispute that she wanted to have her young 8 year-old son undergo Botox treatment at this time for his feet. Sharon Stone never made this statement. It is a complete fabrication. Sharon loves her son Roan and only wants the best for him."

I believe the lawyer. She didn't want to Botox her son. She wanted to use some rare snake venom only found in the Amazon. And she didn't want to inject his feet with it. She wanted to use it on his lips. 8-year-olds talk so much, so she figured if she pumped up his lips a bit, it would slow him down.

Cruella de Stone asked a judge for permission to move her son Roan from his father's home in Northern California to her house in Los Angeles. The judge rejected her ass and ordered that Roan must stay with his daddy. The judge also thinks Cruella is a batshit crazy mommy who needs shock treatment. Okay, he didn't put it in those words exactly.

TMZ got a hold of some court documents that paint Cruella as a paranoid and overreactive bitch. Munchausen syndrome alert! Here's some of the things the court papers state:

Cruella believed Roan had some kind of spinal condition, but didn't give any evidence proving this. The judge wrote: "Mother appears to overreact to many medical issues involving Roan."

Cruella claims she put her career on hold in order to raise Roan. The judge wrote: "If Mother has, in fact, limited her career to make herself available for Roan, she has done little to make this evident to Roan, his school or this Court." (A note from MK: I think Hollywood put her career on hold for her years ago.)

Cruella wanted to botox Roan's feet because they fucking smelled bad. The judge wrote that the "mother suggested that Roan should have Botox injections in his feet to resolve a problem he had with foot odor. As Father appropriately noted, the simple and common sense approach of making sure Roan wore socks with his shoes and used foot deodorant corrected the odor problem without the need for any invasive procedure on this young child."

The judge went on to write that Phil "A Komodo Dragon Bit Off My Toe" Bronstein is always looking out for Roan's well-being and that Cruella is basically doing the opposite.

About the Botox, I've heard it helping with pit stank, but never foot odor. Hey, it's just a little prick of Botox. It can't hurt that bad. Cruella's precious nose shouldn't be subjected to Roan's rank feetsies.

While she's at it, Cruella should also Botox his face a little bit. It's best to start them young. And then when she's finished there, she can lipo off his baby fat and get him some veneers. You know how unsightly some kids' teeth can be. Better yet, just send him to Dr. 90210 for a full makeover and call it a day. Being a mother is so hard!

A couple of days ago it was reported that Cruella de Stone lost joint custody of her older son to her ex-husband Phil Bronstein. Cruella's lawyer dude, Marty Singer, claims it was all just a misunderstanding and she still has joint custody.

Fox News reports that Cruella had asked the court for permission to enroll her son in a school near her house in Los Angeles. Her son currently goes to school in Northern California, where he lives with his daddy. The judge obviously felt it was stupid for Cruella's son to be pulled out of school for really no reason, so he rejected her request because he felt Phil "can provide a more structured continuity, stable, secure and consistent home for the child."

The court documents state that Sharon still has visitation rights and other shit. Something in the milk ain't clean about all of this. Phil can still have sole custody with Sharon getting visitation rights. How could it be a misunderstanding? The better question is: What should I have for lunch?

A judge in California has ruled that Cruella de Stone will no longer share joint custody of her son Roan with her ex-husband Phil Bronstein. Cruelle has lost joint custody and Phil has been granted sole physical custody.

In October 2004, the court gave Phil and Cruella joint custody of Roan. Cruella recently filed papers asking for changes to the arrangement, but she still wanted to keep joint custody. Entertainment Tonight reports that the court denied her requests because she "failed to meet her burden of proof." Whatever that means.

The judge said that the ruling is permanent unless circumstances change.

Phil and Cruella were married in 1998. They adopted Roan in 2000. They divorced in 2004. Cruella also adopted two other sons, Laird Vonne Stone and Quinn Kelly. Roan, Laird and Quinn? They sound like characters in "The Legend of Zelda."

You better believe that Cruella isn't going to let this go! Nobody screws with her and gets away with hit. She's probably on the phone with the grouchy Komodo dragon that bit off Phil's big toe! She wants that mean old Komodo dragon to strike again!

On second thought, that Komodo dragon was probably made into a purse for Cruella shortly after he chomped off Phil's toe, but she'll get her revenge somehow!

Cruella de Stone has reportedly wrapped her venus fly vag around 24-year-old Chase Dreyfous. Earlier this week, InTouch (via SFGate) reported that Chase has been bragging to his friends that he's banging the cougar with a heart of stone. I'm not completely sure, but methinks this is Chase out with Sharon last night. Couldn't she have nabbed a 24-year-old who doesn't look like a used car salesman masquerading as some Hollywood big shot. That suit screams Men's Wearhouse clearance sale.

And if he's 24, I'm fucking 2-years-old. Actually, that would make sense. I still piss my panties from time to time and I love Gerber's Bananas Baby Food. It's fucking delicious with a bit of rum.

Here's more of Cruella and her not so much of a boy "toy" at Beso last night. Notice how Cruella is wearing animal print. That's not a print though. It's the skin of an extremely rare Periwinkle Snow Leopard who lives in the mountains of Malibu. Well, used to live in the mountains of Malibu. There was only one in the world and Cruella is now wearing it. R.I.P. Periwinkle Snow Leopard.

This past May, Cruella de Stone said the earthquake in China was "karma" for what's going on in Tibet. Well, 1,000 Chinese victims and a Manhattan lawyer served her with legal papers announcing their plans to sue her ass for $1 billion. $1 billion!

Ming Hai, the laywer from NYC, wrote, "For the families who have lost their loved ones or lost limbs or suffered severe injuries, your . . . statement and act has caused extreme emotional distress."

Sharon later apologized for the dumbass comment and said she "could not be more regretful for that mistake."

Okay, if Cruella even had $1 billion, she would have already spent it on her own mink farm and fur factory. She also would have bought up as many endangered animals as she could for her own personal use.

Ming Hai has the right idea. I say, sue the bitch. I'm also going to sue Cruella for the atrocity called "The Muse." I actually paid to see that shit in the movie theaters!

Here's Chrissy Crocker's older sister in Beverly Hills yesterday.

Cruelle de Stone really doesn't have any love for our animal friends. Ernest Borgnine, who starred with Sharon Stone in Wes Craven's "Deadly Blessing," says that while shooting the movie Wes kept trying to get Sharon to do a scene with a huge tarantula.

Ernest writes in his new autobiography that she only agreed to do it under one condition, "Sharon wanted the spider's pincers removed . . . Since someone from the ASPCA might be reading, let's just skip what happened next."

The ASPCA didn't respond, but Peta did! They told Page Six, "She chose to make a tiny insect an amputee. Perhaps she should change her name legally to 'Heart of Stone.' " Hmm...Heart of Stone? That has a nice ring to it. Sharon's spokeswhore laughed it off by saying, "If the tarantula was a male, we could add him to her list of her extraordinary leading men, including Richard Chamberlain, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Richard Gere & Dustin Hoffman."

I'm disappointed in Cruella de Stone. I thought she ate live tarantulas for breakfast. She probably turned the tarantula's sphincters (typo, but I'm keeping it) into earrings.

Below is the scene from the movie starring Sharon and the poor spider. I'm surprised Sharon cared so much. She should be used to having hairy things in her mouth.

Sharon Stone better have carded that bitch before doing fuckey fuckey times with him. The last thing she needs is Chris Hansen bursting in on her while she's pounding her cougar coochie into that child's face.

Wait....maybe Cruella de Stone isn't bumping no-no holes with this young bitch. Maybe, she's planning to wear his ass! Animal fur isn't good enough for her anymore, so now she's going to wear baby ass skin. Poor dude doesn't know it. He thinks he's going to bone the Stone.