Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton was honored at the GLAAD Media Awards in Los Angeles last night and he was the damn pimp of the ball. He asked Charlize Theron if she'd like to see him in his fedora and nothing else, he asked Jennifer Lawrence if she'd like to grab a few cigars and get out of there, and he gave Betty White an extra special hug. Betty White's rose-colored eyebrows nearly melted off and her "this jacket is vintage JCPenney and I know Big Willie juice doesn't come out" face says everything we need to know. Betty White proved that she's once again the patron saint of giving by showing dusty, old Bill Clinton some love when she really wanted to jump on a piece who can really handle her.

GLAAD, who loves giving out awards since it feels like they have an awards show every damn month, gave Bill Clinton the Advocate for Change Award and also gave trophies to The New Normal (for outstanding comedy series), Perks of Being a Wallflower (for outstanding movie), American Horror Story (for outstanding TV mini-series) and Days of Our Lives (for outstanding daily drama).

And here's Charlize looking perfect, Jennifer Lawrence with just-out-of-the-salon mom hair, Bill Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, Betty White, Leonardo DiCatchAHo and Alex PetMyFur.

When whatever is left of your purse line is sitting under a layer of dust in a cardboard box on the top shelf in the stock room of a Filene's Basement in Rockland, Maryland, it's time to pay for your Brazilian blowout bills by opening your mouth about the time you opened your mouth on the Commander-in-peen.

Monica Lewisnky's immunity deal stopped her from barfing out all the details of her time with Bill Clinton's peen, but that agreement expired over 10 years ago and so she's been quietly trying to find out how much money she can get for a tell-all. The National Enquirer (via Radar) says that when Monica asked,"How big of a check can I get for writing my memoirs, which I'm going to title either 'A Million Little Cum Stains On My Blue Dress' or 'Tuesdays with Whorrie'", one publisher apparently told her she can get up to $12 million. So suddenly the world calling you Humidor Crotch doesn't seem that bad. Some source put it like this:

"Monica has tried to move forward, but the nightmare of her affair with Bill still haunts her. She’s facing 40 without a man in her life, and seething about the way her reputation was destroyed as the whole world watched.

Monica wrote the letters on her computer. In them, she opened her heart about her love for Bill and how much happier she could make him than Hillary. Some of what she wrote was so raw that she never sent them.

With Bill’s history of heart problems, her book could be more than just revenge, it could kill him! For years, Monica tried to protect Bill out of a misplaced sense of loyalty, but she no longer feels that way, and her memoir is his worst nightmare.

After testing the waters through publishing contacts, Monica learned she could get $12 million if she recount­ed every juicy detail of the scandal."

I've always wondered why Monica Lewinsky hasn't written a tell-all for millions of dollars. My guess was that she wanted to respect Bill and wanted to distance herself from the whole mess. But fuck that slut Bill with a cigar and fuck distance. How many of us can say that 15 years after we sucked some peen, someone offered us 12 million dollars to talk about sucking said peen? The only thing I've gotten for sucking some peen is a waiting list appointment at the free clinic and an indistinguishable sore. Monica's got the Midas tongue and she's my new American hero.

And to promote her tell-all, Monica should do a cover of this classic masterpiece.

Noted punane wrangler Bill Clinton co-hosted an event with Prince Albert II at a casino in Monte Carlo last night and it brought out the likes of Rose McGowan, Diane Kruger, Joshua Jackson, Billy Zane and an award-winning porn star who got close to him for a picture. Brooklyn Lee (right), AVN's Best New Startlet of 2012, Tweeted (via TMZ) this picture of her and two friends, Tasha Reign (left) and Jennifer Taule (far left), hugging on some Bill. I'd like to think that Brooklyn Lee knew Bill was on the guest list and wore that blue dress with a bedazzled white spot especially for him. I'd also like to think that this picture will be the inspiration for a reality show called Bill's Porn Angels.

And I'm not sure of something. Is this what Brooke Hogan, Ashley Tisdale and Nikki Cox look like with beer goggles on or with reverse beer goggles on?

But that could also be his "ACK! I always pull A-Rod's key out of the bowl" face.

The definition of random paid a visit to Miami Beach last night when former President Bill Clinton had dinner with a group of people including A-Rod and Cameron Diaz. Bill got the chosen seat facing the wall of paps, so naturally we received the gift of a glorious gallery of expressions from Bill. Facial expressions like:

"Your mouth sure is purdy. I am so hypnotized by it that I have no idea that I'm about to eat a pancake lettuce wrap."

"If I rub faster, will your chest grow?"

"Your mouth sure is purdy (Yes, I'm still on that). How about you, me and a cigar get a room together somewhere?"

"Ha! The cigar shop is all closed up. Good thing I've got this thumb. It'll do the trick!"

A-Rod and Cameron's date with Bill comes just one day after she admitted to George Lopez that she loves that sticky icky feeling, so that sort of explains why these these three are together. It would also explain why Bill's got Willie Nelson eyes....and why he ate a pancake lettuce wrap. Damn. I have to try this "not inhaling" shit, because Bill looks like he's having the time of times!