Brawls

Ooooh, breakup by text, you have just been demoted to level #2 on the coldest shit you can do scale. Pilar Sanders, the apparently soon to be ex-wife of the legendary football great Deion Sanders, says she found out about their impending divorce on TMZ.com.  Ho-lee-shit. Stock in Ben N' Jerry's and Smith and Wesson just bounced off the charts.

According to TMZ, his wife's lawyer says, "Pilar's sole focus and top priority for the last 12.5 years has been her marriage and children. Based on recent discoveries, [Pilar] now realizes that Deion did not view their family the same way." OUCH. And translation: Deion, just do the right thing and open that wallet. Breaking up with your wife of 12 years and baby mama via internet? New low. *slow claps and writes that down as how to do shit WRONG*

Damn, Deion.  I would think after 12 years, and stretching her body out for your babies, you could at least send her an email.  This bitch is gonna get half plus child support, and you have nobody but your soul-less ass to thank for it.  Enjoy driving around in your Geo Metro!  And RIP common decency. Team Pilar and Deions' babies.

Besides the DMV, Denny's, public transportation and a Latin family reunion, the best bitch brawls go down at the airport. Why oh why couldn't Sean Penn and Maria Conchita Alonso fight it out at JFK this Friday when I'm there. I need this live entertainment in my life. Instead, Maria and the mutated nutsack shanked each other with words at LAX on Sunday afternoon. It all had to do with Sean Penn's main homegirl Hugo Chavez.

Maria, who was raised in Venezuela, tells Page Six that she once raged against Sean about his love for Chavez in an open letter, but she never got a response. While picking up her mom at LAX, Maria saw Sean in AA's baggage claim area and she took that opportunity to serve him the truth according to CONCHITA ALONSO!!! Maria says their word brawl went something like this:

Maria: I would like to talk to you.

Sean: I have nothing to say to you. You have been saying a lot of things about me in the press.

Maria: How can you defend Chavez? You are a communist, Sean Penn.

Sean: You are a pig!

Maria: And you are a communist asshole! Is it great to live the way you do as a communist?

Maria walked away, but Sean kept yelling at her and she yelled back.

Maria called into WMAL in DC (hilarious clip below) and apologized for calling Sean an asshole, but she still thinks he's a communist. When Page Six asked Sean about this, he responded like the dehydrated roid-faced diva he is and acted like he didn't know it was Maria Conchita Alonso at the time:

“I only knew that a hostile woman was nonsensically berating me. I didn’t realize it was that actress. I think I worked with her once. But she looks really different. She was uninformed and impolite to all the other passengers.”

"That actress." Ha. For a dude who has a face like a hot boil on a devil's ass, he sure does throw some cold shade. So I give him a gold star for that.

Never mind that this is a direct insult to communist assholes, I'm kind of disappointed at how this fight went down. Maria and Sean were in Colors together, so the right way to handle this fight would've been for her to put on a red bandanna and for him to put on a blue bandanna. Then they should've beat each other with gats until Robert Duvall broke 'em up with his baton.

Proving that you're never too old (or disabled) to beat a geezer down, two retired football players got into a cane-wielding, flower-slapping old bitch battle at the Canadian Football League alumni luncheon in Vancouver on Friday. This is what the Werther's Original aisle at Rite-Aid looked like on Black Friday. YAASSS! The real-life Grumpy Old Men shit started when 73-year-old Joe Kapp, former quarterback for the B.C. Lions, tried to give his forever arch rival, 74-year-old Angelo Mosca, former defensive tackle for the Hamilton Tiger Cats, a flower. Angelo then said the words his nurse said earlier in the day to him as she handed him a suppository: "STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!" Boom. The bell went off and the Beneficial-sponsored Pepawweight Championship of the Retirement Home was on.

Joe pushed the flower against Angelo's nose and the two went at it as the audience laughed, because priceless comedy IS two old cunts fighting over stupid shit. The only thing missing from this mess is Betty White in a bikini holding up a Round Two card as Angelo and Joe sip Ensure out of sippy cups in their corners. A winner wasn't declared, but when two old ass hos start swinging their canes at each other, we all win!

via Gawker (Thanks to Rose & Tom for sending this Metamucil mess in)

Shia LaDouche and the Kingdom of the Cracked Skull played on the streets of Vancouver over the weekend when Even Stevens took several blows to the head from a fat, hairy, topless dude. Yes, that does sound like the disappointing grand finale of a 2-star gay porn that will leave sitting up in bed with your laptop on your bare thighs, peach lotion in your hands, a light shade of azure covering your nutsack and a Post-It note tacked to the outside of your brain reminding you to never trust the porn recommendations of a friend whose go-to fap material is a scene from Fight Club. There's nothing worse than the walk of shame from your bed to the bathroom when you've got nothing (read: cum hands) to show for it except for a lotion-stained laptop and a frowning peen hole. Moving on...

Shia LaBeouf's resume just got another line added to it under: extracurricular douchetivities. Shia's impressive credits already include a DUI, a drunken meltdown in the middle of a Walgreens, a handful of bar brawls and outside of Cinema Public House in Vancouver he added "get face checked by a drunk fat bitch" to that list. TMZ says that Shia got into a brawl of words with the punch thrower inside of the bar and after they were both kicked out, the hairy dude ripped off his shirt and went after him. That fat bitch punched Shia like he was a plain salad with no blue cheese dressing.

(Side note: Why do assbags always have to rip their shirts off before they issue a beatdown? It's like the dick bag equivalent of the Hulk t-shirt rip. Do they think it makes their stupid asses look scarier? Or maybe they don't have an in-unit washer dryer, so they're not about to add another piece of clothing to their laundromat pile because they got the blood of Shia on it. I can understand that.)

Shia was finally saved by a poking crutch and another dude who really wanted to hug the rage out of him. Radar says that before this fight, Shia got into two other bar brawls at two different places.

Shia, get yourself together, girl! Doesn't Shia know that every time he guzzles the sweet nectar to the point that it brings out the skid mark rage in him, his hot sessy mother has to grab him by the ear, drag him home and spank the foolery right out of his naked nalgas?! Oh, wait. So that's what this is all about!

When Giuliana Rancid isn't digging tunnels in the earth for her colony queen, she's throwing shade at can't dress hos on Fashion Police and during last week's episode she barfed out a few calorie-free words about the malnourished body of the skeletal skank horse of Fantastica.

"She lost a lot of weight from all the stress in her life. She seems a little thin right now, and I think she looks great when she's a bit curvier."

The former country singer and professional full-time Twitter hooker whore of course had to scratch back at Giuliana. LeAnn Rimes put on her Tweetin' 'kini and chewed on the side of a dried carrot stem to build up her energy. LeAnn then responded with this:

Hey, we should go to dinner sometime. You get criticized all the time for how small you are. You can see just HOW much I eat and maybe put a stop to this crazy 'shrinking' once and for all.....

oh, & then we should workout together! Good luck with your restaurant!!!

How is that rude?! It's the truth. well wouldn't you?! I think it would be good. We have lots in common to chat about."

Giuliana told E! yesterday that she's not going to meet LeAnn at the foot of the dirt mound to eat at the air together anytime soon. Giuliana says she's done opening her mouth about this. But mostly because every time she opens her mouth, hos around her try to throw cheese fries into it and she's sick of spending her days wiping the salt off with Fen-Phen wipes.

"I don't see anything wrong with pointing out that someone looks good curvier. There's nothing hotter than a girl with some curves. I wish I was a curvy bombshell!...trust me!

I didn't mean it as an insult but apparently some people took it the wrong way. If someone told me they prefer me with some more weight on me...I'd give them a big, fat kiss! I think this is just a big misunderstanding and hold no hard feelings towards LeAnn. Hope to see her on a red carpet soon!"

Both of these alien-faced, lolly-headed sticks need to sit down. Specifically, they need to sit down on an Ensure enema. But really, Giuliana is lying. Dlisted has learned EXCLUSIVELY that Giuliana and Leann did meet up last night to settle this the way every bitch in the insect world settles a war and here's the footage:

DING! DING! DING! SCORE ONE FOR GIULIANA! That was Giuliana, right? Praying mantises all look the same to me.

While dressed like a deckhand on the Hipster of the Seas, Ryan Gosling sashayed straight into the middle of a NYC crosswalk fight and stopped one dude from breaking a canvas over another dude's head like in the cartoons. If there's such thing as a Human Whisperer, Ryan is it, because he can calmly soothe the hate in a raging bitch by promising to coddle them like a baby and tickle their eyeballs with his winks if they stop fighting. Ryan Gosling could make a shooting bullet stop, drop and grow ovaries just by licking his lips at it. Seriously, one of those dudes in that street fight is going to write a 1,200 word essay for The Morton Report about how Ryan Gosling saved his life.

We get it. Ryan is perfection wrapped in a maple leaf wrapped in more layers of perfection. Babies love Ryan! Apple-eating hipster dogs love Ryan! Everybody loves Ryan. Ryan is like Miracle-Gro for your ovaries. Blah. Blah. Blah. When Ryan does shit like this, thousands of legs open up and chochas shoot out a fountain of panty pudding that smells exactly like Quaker's maple and brown sugar oatmeal. Then when those chochas can't squirt anymore, they waddle on over to Rite-Aid to buy a tube of KY so they can continue salivate over how perfect Ryan is!

Who's going to break into the KY headquarters and go through their files to prove that Ryan was produced by them to boost sales? Ryan is stealth marketing for KY! Or for Quaker Oats. Or for ovaries. Or for all of the above.

via ONTD

As I lovingly bubble-wrap my nicknacks in preparation for my new job with the Delaware County Sheriff's Office, in Delaware, OH, let me (COINCIDENCE ONLY!) bring you the local news of a beauty queen and klassy bitch DONE WRONG!

WBNS-10TV reports that "BoobMeister" Stephanie Robinette, 30, of Westerville, lost that loving feeling while beating her husband's ass at a wedding over the weekend held at Bridgewater Banquet & Conference Center.

Delaware County Sheriff Walter L. Davis III said deputies tried to talk with the woman but bitch refused.

"When deputies attempted to remove Robinette from the vehicle, she advised the deputies that she was a breast feeding mother and proceeded to remove her right breast from her dress and began spraying deputies and the vehicle with her breast milk," Davis said.

The deputies were eventually able to restrain the loving mother and feeder of MILLIONS before carting her ass off to the pokey.

Robinette was quoted as saying she takes the charges seriously and has vowed to get help... Obviously, the policies and procedures of the Delaware Sheriff's Dept. need a little updating on what is acceptable social behavior!! Please allow me to introduce myself!!!

Jackasses' Ryan Dunn is shitting toy cars on heaven's carpet and doing homoerotic stunts with the angels today and there's lots of talk about how he got there. The facts are that three hours before Ryan crashed his Porsche into a tree, he was slurping up the sweet nectar at a bar. Some witnesses at the bar say that Ryan had 3 beers, 3 shots and was "wasted." Other witnesses say that he had a couple of beers and wasn't even drunk enough to make a Breathalyzer bust into a boner. The police speculated that Ryan was going around 100mph before he hit the tree.

Ryan's autopsy went down yesterday and so the toxicology reports should be out soon. Shortly after the news of Ryan's crash went around, Roger Ebert reviewed his death on Twitter and gave it one thumb down.

Friends don't let jackasses drink and drive.
19 hours ago via SocialOomph

You can say that Roger Tweets the truth! You can say that Roger Tweets the truth TOO SOON! Or you can say Roger needs to shove his Tweet up his ass and shoot it into the mouth of a toilet where it belongs. Of course, Ryan's fellow Jackasser, Bam Margera, went with the latter when he went off about Roger's Tweet on Twitter.

I just lost my best friend, I have been crying hysterical for a full day and piece of shit roger ebert has the gall to put in his 2 cents
10 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®

About a jackass drunk driving and his is one, fuck you! Millions of people are crying right now, shut your fat fucking mouth!
10 hours ago

Both Roger and Bam need to stop and think about what Ryan Dunn would want! Would Ryan really want them to be kicking at each other's dick bones on Twitter?! TWITTER? When Twitter isn't bringing out a ho's dick pictures, it's bringing out a ho's assholery. You know, there's a lot truth to what Roger said and Bam has every right to flip his keystrokes about it. But they should really put their differences aside and mourn the loss of Ryan by pouring one out into a funnel that's shoved up their b-holes. That's what Ryan would want!

Fear not, Canucks fans! Today, some garbage pail ruffians in Orlando are showing the world that Vancouver isn't the only city that will bust into a brawl for the stupidest reason.

The Casey Anthony trial has become the hottest ticket in Orlando and some people are sleeping in line overnight to get a seat to some shit you can watch from the comfort of your futon. The line starts at 8:30pm the night before for 58 spots reserved for the public. The line usually fills up fast and just like when you throw a piece of moldy hot dog into a mob of rats, bitches hiss and air bite at each other. But early this morning, shit got violent for the first time. Oh, Florida, what would I be without you?!

Jessie Dorris tells ABC News that when court officials started shuffling the line closer to the court house at 5:30am, some dudes got bold and tried to cut in front of them. Nobody cuts on Jessie's watch! Jessie's friend Dustin tried to cut in front of the asshole who cut in front of him, but he ended up in a choke hold. This is why UFC moves should be taught during every elementary school P.E. class in Florida.

To try to get her friend out of the choke hold, Jessie started punching at the dude and that's when it all turned into a fist tornado (not that kind, John Travolta, pull your panties up). Eventually, the brawl was broken up and all parties involved received a certificate of appreciation from the state for keeping the fist flying foolery alive in Florida.

Okay, if you want to spend your day off standing in line to see a child murderess up close, then YAY for you. If you are okay with scrapping with a dumbass while waiting in said line, then another YAY for you. But I draw the line when you think it's okay to show your face on camera and identify yourself as someone who got into a brawl while waiting in line for the Casey Anthony trial. At least have some sense to know that you do not want to be known as the person who got into a brawl while waiting in line for the CASEY FUCKING ANTHONY TRIAL! Get some education, people!

I must have been in line for my second helping of whatever when Spike Lee and Tyler Perry went at it, because I had no idea that Oprah's runner-up boo and the real world Jiminy Cricket hated each other like that. But apparently they've been swatting at each other ever since Spike used the words "coonery and buffoonery" to describe Tyler's TV shows "House of Payne" and "Meet the Browns." Spike went further by saying Tyler's work "harkens back to ‘Amos n’ Andy.'"

Well, you don't mess with a grown man who can jog in a silicone breastplate and expect not to get some feedback. At a press conference for Madea Could Eat A Tub Of Sour Cream For Two Hours And You'd Still Pay To Watch This Shit, Tyler had some shankin' words for Spike. Tyler is putting the MAD in Madea:

"I'm so sick of hearing about damn Spike Lee. Spike can go straight to hell! You can print that. I am sick of him talking about me, I am sick of him saying, 'this is a coon, this is a buffoon.' I am sick of him talking about black people going to see movies. This is what he said: 'you vote by what you see,' as if black people don't know what they want to see.

I am sick of him — he talked about Whoopi, he talked about Oprah, he talked about me, he talked about Clint Eastwood. Spike needs to shut the hell up! I’ve never seen Jewish people attack Seinfeld and say, ‘This is a stereotype.’

“I’ve never seen Italian people attack The Sopranos, I’ve never seen Jewish people complaining about Mrs. Doubtfire or Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie. I never saw it.

It's always black people, and this is something that I cannot undo. Booker T. Washington and W.E.B. DuBois went through the exact same thing; Langston Hughes said that Zora Neale Hurston, the woman who wrote Their Eyes Were Watching God, was a new version of the 'darkie' because she spoke in a southern dialect and a Southern tone. And I'm sick of it from us; we don't have to worry about anybody else trying to destroy us and take shots because we do it to ourselves."

Tyler Perry has wigs that weigh more than Spike Lee (<--- has nothing to do with this story, but facts never hurt anybody) and he was making a few good points until he compared himself to Booker T. Washington. Madea can go to hell for that one.

Somebody tell Spike Lee that he doesn't need to go to the storage room to get a step ladder. I'll gladly lift him up so that he can slap the glasses off of Madea.

via HuffPo