Brawls

At LAX last night, Mike Tyson and a pap were both arrested after getting into a fight where fists flew and blood was shed. If Mike is involved, you know a bitch is going to end up in the ER. Mike does it like that.

The L.A. Times reports that some witnesses claim the pap started the fight by getting all up in Mike's life at the airport. Mike was with his daughter at the time and the pap reportedly followed him everywhere he went including the bathroom. Mike told police that the pap threw the first punch, because he was trying to provoke him. The pap's story is that Mike busted him in the face first and then tried to take the film out of his camera. Both Mike and the pap wanted to press charges against each other so they were both arrested.

Mike was taken down to the station and booked on suspicion of battery. He was released a short time later on his own recognizance. The pap was taken away in an ambulance to the nearest hospital.

We're taught that if we see a bear with her young out in the wild, we stand still and keep our eyes down low like we're being scolded by our abuelita. This is also what you do when you come across Mike Tyson. If you even breathe the wrong way around Mike, your eyeball will end up on the floor and your cheek bones will become one with each other. The pap obviously doesn't have any love for his ears, because Mike is not the one.

The Kardashian family made dreams come true yesterday by lining up to get punched out by the luckiest people in the world. The Kardashians agreed to be human (mostly) punching bags for the sake of charity. The beat down party extravaganza, which was held at the Commerce Casino in CA, raised cash for the Dream Foundation.

It sounds like everything went according to God's plan, because Kim took a blow to the face and her brother Rob ended up in the hospital with a busted head. Kim wrote on her blog:

"When Rob stepped in the ring to fight, his opponent was at least 25 lbs heavier than him, even though the organization had assured us that they were screening the people we were fighting against and that they would be within 5 lbs of our weights! At one point Rob's mask fell off and when he put his hands down he got hit in the face and ended up in hospital with a concussion. Rob's a strong guy and can definitely hold his own, but he wasn't expecting to get hit after his mask had fallen off! This guy just got really down and dirty!

We were all really angry and upset about what had happened to Rob, but I hadn't even fought yet and I didn't want to let the charity down, so I decided to get in the ring. My girl was a good sport, but she was tough! I knew I had to do it for charity, since that's what it was all about, but man, my girl could throw a punch! Look at my black eye!!!

At the end of the day, we did this for charity and that's what counts. Rob is doing fine now and my black eye will be gone soon... I hope."

YES KIM, that black eye is absolutely Hostel-like. It's horrific. You better take out a restraining order against the eyeshadow brush that punched you out like that.

And I don't understand how Kim could've lost her bout with an ass like that. Homegirl's ass could easily become the heavyweight champion of the world. All she has to do is wiggle it just a little bit and it would've been an instant KO!

By the way, Khloe Kardashian dropped out at the last minute, because she was too scared. Something in the milk ain't clean about that. My guess is that Khloe's opponent figured out who she was fighting and immediately dug a hole out of that bitch. Khloe could make us all blackout just by growling.

Don't ask me why, but The Trials and Tribulations of Balloon Boy is still taking up precious media space. Because of this, the media has not left Balloon Boy's neighborhood which has given some of his neighbors a case of the angries. Take this dude for instance. Dude has had it with the media getting in his life and decided to do something about it on Sunday evening.

It ended with him throwing punches after he got tackled from behind (not in a sexy way). Somebody needs to send a carrier pigeon to these two with a message that says they are directing their anger at the wrong person. If you need to slap a bitch, slap Richard Heene. The line forms to the right.

And I can't say that I blame the bald dude. It's not easy to get your dealer to make a house call when you've got a zillion camera crews on your front lawn. I'd punch a trick too.

VIA FreddYo

The next time (aka today after work) you get into fight of words and slaps with a fellow traveler on public transportation, just know that someone could be filming that shit! Make sure you look hot. Thankfully, this battle over a bus seat on San Francisco's Muni was captured on a dude's cell phone.

Apparently, the two ladies were fighting over a seat (aren't they always) when shit got really real! Basically, the argument consisted of the words: fuck, you, stupid, bitch. It's like I wrote the dialogue for this fight. Those are really the only words you know when you're battling a bitch over a seat!

After they blew air kisses at each other for a while, the fists started flying! AND HOW! I'm pretty sure I saw the Asian lady deliver a drop kick on the other chick. Damn. That is some Mortal Kombat shit. Level her up! The Fight Queen of Muni!

When video of the fight made its way on to YouTube, Muni said they are investigating the incident. They said the bus operator should have notified the SFPD about the fight, but they did not. That's because the bus driver was probably too busy betting on a winner.

VIA SFist

Over a month ago, Joe Francis and Brody Jenner's girlfriend Jayde Nicole got into a fight in the early morning hours at a night club in Los Angeles. It's still shocking that Jon Gosselin was not involved in this showdown of the assholes.

Jayde filed a $1 million lawsuit against Joe claiming she suffered multiple injuries including a black eye, swollen face, bruises all over her body and emotional distress. Well, here's the video courtesy of Radar!

Jayde says that in the video, she spots Joe trying to dry hump on one of her girlfriends. Jayde decided Joe needed to be cooled down, so she poured her glass of the sweet nectar all over him. Usually, alcohol makes a tampon soggy, but it only made Joe stronger. The dick bag flew into a rage, grabbed Jayde by the hair and pulled her through the crowd. It only took a quick second for a bunch of dudes to take Joe down and throw him out of the club. Jayde said she was left traumatized by the whole incident.

Now, I don't know if Joe Francis should be jailed for life for this, but I do know that he should be jailed for life for being Joe Francis. I also know that this clip could be used as advertising for whoever does Jayde's weave, because I didn't seen even one track flying.

The police in Texas are currently searching for a stripper who tasered a co-worker during an argument at a strip club in Forth Worth called Cabaret North. You really should throw a feather boa around your neck and slather yourself in rhinestones before watching this video, because it is full of GLAMOUR.

According to the general manager at Cabaret North, stripper Kathleen Bennett and cocktail waitress Jennifer McReynolds got into a war of words. Kathleen was told to cool her coochie, but she didn't listen, so they fired her ass on the spot. Before she left, Kathleen said goodbye to Jennifer by tasering her in the back! When Jennifer realized she just got jizzed on by a stun gun, she went after Kathleen. Bad move. Everyone knows you don't rumble with a whore with a taser gun. Kathleen tasered Jennifer a second time and this time she went for the face. The club probably smelled like fried crustaceans and burnt body glitter.

Jennifer said, "It felt like every muscle in my body seized up and I couldn't move. Like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't speak." If you watch the video above, you'll hear that Jennifer still can't fucking speak right!

Before security could get a hold of Kathleen, she ran off and hasn't been heard from since.

It's hard out there for a pussy thruster! Not only do you have to worry about old men spewing their cottage cheese all over your thigh, but now you gotta to worry about another stripper electrocuting you. I bet Jennifer wasn't wearing lucite heels, because if she was this would've never happened.

VIA MyFox Tampa Bay

The LAPD is currently looking for douchemeister extraordinaire Joe Francis after he allegedly Chris Brown-ed Brody Jenner's girlfriend Jayde Nicole. If that didn't make your vagina squeaky clean, it gets better (or worse, depending on how you look at it).

It all started at Guys and Dolls nightclub early this morning in Los Angeles. Brody told TMZ that Jayde witnessed Joe trying to put the moves one of his ex-girlfriends. For some reason, Jayde didn't like this, so she threw her drink on Joe. You know how you're not supposed to give a Gremlin water? Well, you're not supposed to throw booze on a douchebag, because it strengthens their douchiness.

After Jayde wasted a perfectly good DRANK on Joe, he grabbed her by the hair, punched her in the face, threw her to the ground and started kicking at her. Security threw a little menstrual fluid on Joe which caused him to run out of the club. Brody immediately followed Joe outside and busted him in the face. Brody was then tasered by someone and Joe managed to get away.

The police are currently looking for Joe. Jayde says she will press charges against Joe.

And the video is where? I mean, Joe getting fisted in his fugly mug and Brody getting tasered in his ass?! We finally know the true reason why they were both put on this earth! It was so all of us could witness their asses getting socked and shocked! Git that video! Everyone's happiness depends on it.

By the way, this entire fight was sponsored by Ed Hardy.

The truth is I'm only posting this story, because I needed a reason to use this picture of Ahahahahaha-Rod after getting hit by a pitch last night. I don't think he's felt that much pain since he tried to finger bang Madonna's roidy cooze for the first time. Now on to the battle of the Yankees hos!

Page Six says that things aren't really unicorns and rainbows between A-Rod and fellow Yankee Derek Jeter, so it makes sense that their hate for each other has trickled down to their girlfriends. According to sources, Derek's lady Minka Kelly (of Friday Night Lights) and Kate Hudson aren't really holding hands in the stands (accidental rhyme!), "There's been visible coldness between Minka and Kate. I don't know if it's a personal thing, or just an extension of the ongoing A-Rod-Jeter rivalry. People are choosing sides."

I love that "people are choosing sides" quote. This is just like Footballers' Wives except a homelier version....and not as bitchy or glamorous. Okay, this is nothing like Footballers Wives. Because if it was, this is how Kate and Minka would have handled their little feud.

Seriously, this is how you do it. Kate and Minka are both amateurs! If Tanya Turner was involved, she would've fucked both of their boyfriends by now and been pregnant with TWINS (one baby for each man).

Look at that precious mound of melted down ass dildos called a face. Don't you just want to make a fist, kiss it for luck and then punch it? Well, some lucky asshole beat you to it! Okay, I shouldn't be so hard on Constantine Mouralis, because he got his ass beat while defending the honor of our Vicodin Queen: Paula Abdul. But let's laugh anyway, because that's what Paula would do too (after a shot of lude paste and DayQuil).

Gatecrasher says that at Casio's G-Shock party in NYC on Wednesday night, Connie openly professed his love for Paula Abdul and said that he was hoping she would return to American Idol. Well, there was a Paula Abdul hater (aka a hater of all prescription, over-the-counter and internet-bought meds) in the room and this was his cue to have a beat down party on Connie's face. Or maybe the dude isn't a Paula Abdul hater and he just couldn't resist the urge we all feel when we see Connie's beautiful mug.

A witness, who probably wrecked a good pair of panties (send the bill to Connie) while watching this amazing douche battle royale, said, “It was hilarious! Constantine got into it with this guy who was probably 6 inches shorter and 60 pounds lighter. The guy body-slammed him and punched him in the face and then just stood up, straightened his tie, and said, ‘Bitch, don’t you ever.' Security didn’t know what to make of this guy. He was so well-groomed in his suit, and he didn’t look like a threat at all. Constantine was so overwhelmed he just sat there on the floor for a few minutes.”

Hmmm...6 inches shorter, 60 pounds lighter? Skat Kat is that you?! Maybe Paula owes him some money. Seriously, this sounds like a story Paula would tell her friends while completely sober (that's when she's at her crazy crazy craziest), because it doesn't make any sense.

And "Bitch, don't you ever" is the phrase that pays for the day!

You have not made it as a pap until you've been maimed, whipped, shanked or smacked by Naomi "Beat A Bitch" Campbell! A photographer in Italy says he is now a member of The Naomi Campbell Victims' Club and has the bruises (aka precious badges) to prove it!

Gaetano Di Giovanni says he was taking pictures of Naomi and her hot billionaire piece on the island of Lipari when the next thing he knew, her claw was on his face. Gaetano told La Repubblica (via Daily Mail) that Naomi beat him with her purse and then scratched at his left eye. Naomi's boyfriend and her bodyguards had to drag her away, so she wouldn't do anymore damage to the pap. They probably had to give her the q-tip so her crazy ass would calm down! Seriously, you know her ass has an orgasm every time she smacks a skank. When she punches a bitch, her pussy pops!

Naomi's spokeswhore has called this whole story a bunch of lies. The police in Lipari said that no report has been filed. More like the report was accidentally filed into the trash can, because even the po po knows not to eff with Naomi.