Kellan Lutz

Dakota Fanning, Kellan Lutz, Dr. Blossom, Ashley Greene, Stephenie Meyer, Shar Jackson (??????), Nikki Reed and Taylor Lautner were all flattened to the carpet at The Twatlight Saga: Breaking Hymen - Part 2 premiere in Los Angeles last night after 2-year-old Elle Fanning stomped on all of them. Little Elle Fanning barely learned how to walk by herself like four days ago and she's already mastered the art of stomping in fucked up sandals made of plastic bricks, pink ribbon and chrome leather. Elle Fanning is practically a child, so I can't give her any hate for wearing orthopedic sandals for geishas. Millionaire movie star children don't know any better, because everyone around them will lie to them and tell them they look good. They usually don't have a grandma around who will grab them by the hair and refuse to let them leave the house looking like a damn fool. If they had a grandma like that, they'd fire her ass for talking back.

These ugly ass shoes have a serious identity crisis. They don't know if they want to be platform flip-flops, a Jenga tower, Getas on growth hormones or moon shoes for My Little Ponies. The only thing they do know is that they want to be as ugly as possible. When Prada put this nasty shit on the runway, they paired them with rubber socks! It's kind of funny that Prada paired these sandals with socks that can double as lady condoms, because there's no way you're getting laid if you wear that nasty shit on your feet. Wearing these sandals is foot abuse in more ways than one.

Now that Elle Fanning has brought them to the mainstream, I'm sure snotty rich kids will start wearing them everywhere. That's not a bad thing, actually. Cackling after seeing a brat fall in ridiculous shoes IS my favorite pastime.

Kellan Lutz tells GQ Style Australia that he lives with a bunch of "his boys" and one of them is a dude he found on Craigslist named Dick who owns a chihuahua they call Kevin. To which I'll say Parasite Hilton's elementary school nickname: TOO EASY! This is what the six-pack on stilts of muscle had to say about getting more Dick in his life to GQ:

It’s not that I’m not. It’s just that any mortal man in the presence of a towering powerhouse like Lutz can’t help but feel like a yellow-billed oxpecker on the back of a great hippo. Which is why I’m relieved when Kevin the chihuahua suddenly scampers off to bark at something inside. “That must be Dick,” Lutz says, following Kevin into the house. “Dick’s one of my room-mates.” Lutz isn’t dating anyone at the moment, but still. Room-mates? “I like being around people,” he explains, “so I posted an ad on Craigslist saying I was looking for new blood.” He looks to see if I get the joke. “Dick came by and we liked him, so, yeah, now he’s one of my boys.”

“My boys” is a term Lutz uses a lot, as in, “My boys all want to go to Vegas to watch the Super Bowl with me, so I say, ‘Great. I’ll provide the rooms and whatnot. All you have to do is buy a $400 plane ticket.’ That’s when my boys start moaning, ‘Oh, we have no money.’ But then I’ll catch them spending $200 a night getting drunk with a girl. What’s up with that?”

So, Kellan Lutz lives with a group of his boys, calls them his "roommates," takes them on trips to Las Vegas, gives them $400 prepaid credit cards to buy their airline tickets with (so they can tell people THEY bought the tickets) and their only duties are to bleach Kevin's b-hole and to caulk the toilet seat whenever he accidentally breaks it by flexing the biceps on his ass cheeks during a shit? To which I'll say the word that Kunty Karl's male human writes on his tax return next to occupation: KEPT BITCH!

Here's Muscle Daddy Kellan and friend of Dick putting muscles on top of his muscle's muscle's muscle at Muscle Beach in Venice, CA the other day.

P.S. - Heh. He said "oxpecker."

Of course Kellan Lutz is leaving the gym in North Hollywood yesterday. When his ass isn't leaving the gym, he's going to the gym. When he's not going to the gym, he's driving away from the gym while doing sit-ups behind the wheel. When's he's not doing sit-ups behind the wheel, he's doing squats over the toilet. When he's not doing squats over the toilet, he's eating Muscle Milk out of a cooch while lifting hand weights. When he's not eating Muscle Milk out of a cooch while lifting hand weights, he's doing side twists (a meat head's version of "tossing and turning") in bed in the middle of the night.

Dude is built like one of A-Rod's girlfriends. Kellan could seriously bench press the entire Kardashian Klan on his nipples and he wouldn't even break a sweat. Kellan doesn't have wrinkles on his nutsack, he has a six-pack.

But you know, Kellan should spend more time working out his head so it catches up with his Power of Greyskull body. The body says "Green Giant" but the head says "chickpea."