Brawls

I would rather share an order of hot breadsticks and conversation with Tim Gunn at Olive Garden than have to shank up his precious pepaw face in a bathroom at Rawhide. But Tim really is giving me no choice. You see, this bitch has revealed his silvercrush and it's none other than MAH BOO ANDERSON COOPER. The horror!

Timmy told OK! Magazine that his powdered donut hole crinkles for Andy because, "He's fabulous!" Timmy went on to say, “We’ve actually been trying to have lunch for a year and a half. Both of us are so busy that we haven’t been successful doing it, but we exchange e-mails.”

Oh, Timmy. I'm about to e-mail you a very special file entitled "Mah Boo Naked and Doing the Dick Slappy Dance." Download it to every single device you have used to e-mail with Mah Boo. Do this now. It's special. (For the viewers at home I'm sending him a virus to stop this before it starts).

Seriously, doesn't Timmy want a Gayken? Or maybe a Lance Bass? Why a Mah Boo? Doesn't he know that two silverheads can't work! Even if you make it work. It still doesn't work. That's too much shine for one couple. And when they bump steel wool bushes, it may cause chaffing. Neither of them want that.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go slap a Klum and kick a Kors.

Chris Brown put on his pimp best yesterday to face a judge and answer to the two felony charges against him. Instead of entering a plea, his lawyer ho asked the court to postponement that shit until April 6th. The judge agreed, but told Chris, "Mr. Brown, you are not to annoy, harass, molest, threaten or use force or violence against anyone." That basically means that Chris needs to stay in his room, lock the door, sit in the corner and keep his mouth shut. Bitch didn't listen because he went out boozing last night.

It's not known why he wanted to extend his arraignment, but he could be looking to make a plea deal so it doesn't go to trial.

RiRi was not in court yesterday, but her lawyer was and told the judge she doesn't want an act of protection. When the judge asked why, her lawyer said, "She did not feel a stay-away order was necessary."

Not only does she need an order of protection, but homegirl also needs an order of WAKE THE FUCK UP and a piping hot order of therapy. Oh and she also needs an order of ENOUGH the movie. It's JLo's finest work. RiRi needs a Jupiter in her life.

Pun intended. I'm honestly going to push the Cup-O-Needles I was planning to have for lunch to the side and gulp down a large vodka without the ice (it gets in the way) instead. You'll do the same after reading the mess Fox 11 (via TMZ) got a hold of.

Notes from detectives on the case state that the fight started when RiRi read a three-page long text message from some chick to Chris Brown. The two started fighting about the text and Chris tried to push her out of the car, but her seat belt got in the way. The notes go on to say that he pushed her head into the passenger window and began punching her while he was driving. Oh, he's a fucking multi-tasker.

Chris allegedly told her that he was going to beat her even more when they got home. After that, RiRi called her assistant and told her to have the cops waiting at home. That prompted Chris to say, "You just did the stupidest thing ever. I'm going to kill you." How fucking charming. It's like a kiss.

The notes also state that Chris continued to beat at her, bite her and put her in a headlock. When cops showed up, there was blood all over the car on her clothes.

It's been reported that since RiRi has gone back into his loving arms, she won't testify against him. But TMZ says that she told cops this wasn't her first time at the Chris Brown beat down rodeo. She said he had gotten psychical in the past, but the violence was getting worse.

Today in court, Chris was charged with two felonies: assault and making a criminal threat. He could face up to 9 years of ass fucking in the clink if convicted on both charges. He's supposed to be arraigned this afternoon.

And now I'm off to find a basket of baby bunnies to cuddle with. Seriously, every Chris Brown/RiRi story should come complete with something from Cute Overload.

Megan Hauserman needs to realize that if she's going to be on a Vh1 reality show, she's either going to get ass beat or she's going to catch some mutant breed of crotch bugs. Either or. That's why Megan shouldn't be shocked that Sharon Osbourne poured wine on her ass and yanked at her skanky weave after she called Ozzy "brain dead." The brawl went down on the Rock of Love: Charm School reunion show a little while ago and now Megan is suing over it.

TMZ says Megan filed the lawsuit yesterday in L.A. County Superior Court. Megan is suing for "for battery, negligence and infliction of emotional distress."

Emotional distress?! Battery? This is coming from a skeezer who kissed on Bret Michaels and probably peeked under under his bandana. If that doesn't scar your emotions for life, I don't know what does. Megan is suing the wrong bitch.

Dumb fuck Megan should also come better prepared next time. She needs to get herself one of those expensive bullet-proof wigs. Not even an Osbourne could rip that shit off.

Nicky Hilton getting pushed down + IHOP + A Citzen's Arrest + A transient = A fucking amazing story worth a standing ovation and a dick slap. Seriously, I want to get my lazy ass out of my chair and clappity clap for this hotness. I just wish Vivica Fox and her SLYCIC friends told us this would happen beforehand, so that we could set up seats, order a Rooty Tooty and cheer on the transient!

TMZ says that for some reason (*cough*coke pick-up*cough*) Nicky Hilton was outside of IHOP in West Hollywood at 5am when she got into an altercation with a "transient." The country's newest hero then pushed Nicky to the ground.

Surprisingly, Nicky's bony ass didn't break into a million pieces. Nicky got up and then pulled a citizen's arrest on his ass. The police showed up and the transient was arrested.

The only way this story could get hotter is if the transient turned out to be Dollhouse Dude. But I'm pretty sure the transient was a skinny baby or a scrappy kitten, because you have to be one weak ho to get arrested by Nicky Hilton. All you gotta do is clap your hands and the sound vibrations will send that bitch flying.

And I'm so fucking mad that Nicky Hilton got to scream "CITIZEN'S ARREST! CITIZEN'S ARREST!" That shit was wasted on that skank.

It was only a matter of time, but TMZ got a hold of the picture of RiRi after she allegedly got the beat down from Chris Brown. And it looks like it was a major beat down. I put it behind a cut, because it's obviously not ice cream and rainbows. It's pretty fucking awful and heartbreaking. I really have no words for this. Click here to see it.

A DANCE-OFF!!!!!! The epic dance battle between St. Angie Jo and her arch rival Jenny Aniston might finally take place on Saturday night at the Night Before the Oscars party in Beverly Hills. That's what OK! Magazine says anyway. Jen is apparently ready for the face-off since she has an actual man to take to parties instead of an invisible one!

A source said, "She has always known that this moment would happen and she's never been more ready to see her nemesis, Angie, in the flesh. She's no longer alone — she has a hot man in her life — John Mayer — and she plans to bring him as her date to the party."

Okay, um, Jenny might get more respect if she brings her Brad Pitt Real Doll to the party instead of a used maxi-pad.

And the DJ of the Night Before the Oscars party better have 20 Fingers' "Boom! I Fucked Your Boyfriend" ready to go on the speakers, because when Jenny and St. Angie come sadface to cuntface, they are going to take off their shoes and get fucking down. Maddox and Zahara better stand by to tag in for Angie. And I guess Aniston's dog friends will tag in for her? They will all chant "Whoop that trick!" while Angie and Jenny bust a move.

Here's St. Angie going to hip-hop class in NYC to get ready for Saturday's big dance war. No, she's going to look at an apartment in Manhattan's Washington Heights. How many bitches from the neighborhood do you think she's going to adopt before she leaves?

When Vince ShamWow's name comes up, Billy Mays rolls up his sleeves, sandpapers the inside of his throat and goes off. During an interview with Adam Corolla, a caller asked about Vince and Billy went on and on about how he was going to take that little bitch down. Billy said that when it comes to the ShamWow, Billy laid down the foundation, Vince built the house and now he's going to redecorate. Yeah, I don't know how Billy became Debbie Travis. It's like I suddenly switched over to HGTV.

Billy said he was ready to have a pitch-off with Vince any time, any place. That kind of sounds dirty sexy. Why do I picture Billy's hairy low-hangers on Vince's meth-face?

Personally, I think that if they got into a room together, the world would implode. This shit probably has something to do with those two satellites crashing into each other. They heard this news first and couldn't fucking take it. So if Billy and Vince actually faced off, Earth would collide with another planet and turn into star dust.

But seriously, even though Billy looks like he could kill a grizzly bear with his pinky toe, methinks he's still no match for Vince. Vince might look like a tweaked out turtle, but the bitch was crazy enough to start a one-man war against Scientology. Nothing scares him.

Billy's rant is below:

(Thanks Kamila)

I might have to go watch the trampoline foxes a million more times after hitting "publish" on this post, because this shit is making my forehead weep. A source who saw the photos of Alien Princess RiRi after she got a midnight beatdown from Chris Brown (allegedly) says her injuries are "horrific." The source told TMZ that she has two huge and swelled up "contusions" on both sides of her forehead. RiRi's lip is split, her nose is all sorts of bloody and she has bites marks on her fingers and on one arm. And Chris has got some fucking teefs on him! The dumb cunt could bite through a lead pipe covered in Kryptonite.

This is far from a "smack bitch once to shut them up" incident. This sounds like Chris got the evil spirit of Ike Turner in him and went to beat down town.

RiRi wasn't the one who called the police. A person who heard her screaming is the one who dialed 911. When the police arrived, Chris had already abandoned RiRi and the car by running off, but he took the keys with him. RiRi told the police Chris used his fists and there was no other kind of weapon involved. She refused treatment at the scene.

E! reports that RiRi is working with the fuzz, but isn't really telling them what caused Chris to get all Mike Tyson on her.

RiRi was supposed to perform in Malaysia this weekend, but of course, she has put that shit on hold and will reschedule at a later date. Chris Brown also canceled some shit he was supposed to do this weekend. Instead, he will spend his days enjoying his ride on the "You Fucked Yourself" express. Go on and take a bow, Chris. It's over now.

And seriously, out of all the things he beat down on, he had to go for her glorious tenhead! That's the portal to her home planet! SOS! That has to add another few decades to his sentence if found guilty. That is beyond illegal.

Chris Brown allegedly hit RiRi with some kind of "deadly weapon" so says TMZ. The crime report names Princess RiRi of the Universe as the victim and also states that the incident was "assault with a deadly weapon." Chris' weapon of choice is not known yet.

Every bitch that sent this story to me said the exact same fucking thing in their e-mail: "Chris hit Rihanna with an umbrella-ella-ella." You smart-ass bitches! An injured Princess RiRi is no laughing matter. Although, it was raining in L.A..... Naw. It was probably a dick slapping gone wrong. Okay, we need to stop!

But seriously, it wasn't not funny. RadarOnline says RiRi was even crying in the emergency room at Cedars-Sinai. A nosy witness said, "Rihanna was clearly very upset by what had happened and I could hear her screaming. Rihanna was trying to get her point across about something, she sounded like she was crying as she tried to get to put her point across."

Jay-Z and RiRi's alien subjects need to take care of this shit! But something tells me they really shouldn't bother since Chris is pretty much fucked already.

UPDATE: Now TMZ is saying that Chris didn't use any kind of weapon. There was an umbrella in the car but it had nothing to do with this shit. It's innocent. Sometimes a bitch's fist or foot can count as a deadly weapon. A source also said that RiRi had bite marks and bruises on her body.