Jared Leto

Here's precious lesbian lady Jared Leto posing from the tips of his Chanel polished finger nails to the bottom of his ten thousand dollars sneakers and up to his pomade-slathered locks while thinking that he's the bright shining star of this shot. Jared is thinking that everybody else is just seeping into the background the same way the leave-in conditioner seeped into his pit bushes that morning (to keep them sparkly and fluff), but the ho is wrong!

If there's one person who can beat Jared's "maintenance worker at the Tokio Hotel" look in the glamour game it's a seasoned beauty who isn't even trying. Enter homegirl stage right.

Frosted eyeshadow in her signature shade that makes her eyes look like they've been crying out Pegasus saliva - CHECK!
Eyes that aren't even 5% dazzled by the beautiful robo nymph from Blade Runner standing to her left - CHECK!
Hair that looks like the ready-to-wear version of Dracula's double beehive - CHECK

Jared gets credit for poking holes in his tank so his nipples could breathe, but other than that, bitch didn't have a chance!

Here's more of Jared thinking he's the prettiest girl in the room with Terry Richardson at the YSL show in Paris today.

I can think of so many ways to pay tribute to Kurt Cobain (examples: don't wash your hair, cuddle with a flannel, pose in a picture with RuPaul), but posting a masturbatory imitation of him on YouTube is not one of them. But that's exactly what Jared Leto did yesterday on the 17th anniversary of Kurt Cobain's death. Jared wrote on his blog that years ago when they were making a movie about Kurt's life, he made an audition tape that never touched a casting director's desk. Jared chose yesterday as the perfect day for him to share his Kurt Cobain impersonation with the world!

Damn. Save it for the Liberty High School afternoon talent show, Jordan Catalano! If you get somebody to throw a compact at your head, Jared would sort of not really look like Kurt, but that voice. THAT VOICE. Jared sounds more like Ma from Ma's Roadhouse hawking a loogie into a lawn mower motor (that's actually a compliment).

Oh, and that stand-alone ATM machine receipt with random numbers scribbled on the back with a faded BIC pen that somebody slid under Jared's door this morning is actually an invoice from Courtney Love.

For two seconds there, Jared Leto was letting his natural hotness simmer and wasn't trying to ruin it by adding unnecessary spices from the fuckery jar. Well, that didn't last long, because here he is in London the other day waging another battle against his hotness.

Jared is looking like a Q-tip used for Smurfette's pap smear. WHY! WHY! WHY! You know, I'm fine with Jared's head resembling one of Mel Gibson's frustrated blue balls, but he took that shit too far by matching his hair with his shoes and luggage. And since Jared is obviously serious about his blue nowadays, his dick bush is probably the exact shade of the Blue's Clues dog's taint.

Quick Update: Oh, shit. My ass just noticed that Jared's hair is also the color of the nipple (aka headline) on every Dlisted post. Okay, I'll try to warm up to it.

For a while there, Jared Leto was in an all-out war against his own natural hotness. Jared's battle wounds of victory included his "Gay Raver Cockatoo on the Wrong E" look and his "If Susan Powter Mated with a Porcupine with a SamRo Obsession" look. But pull down your panties and Saran Wrap your monitor, because Jared has dropped his peroxide gun and raised a white flag in the form of this picture he Tweeted yesterday. VICTORY IS OURS! That ab gutter needs filling (I'll leave it at that) and when his peen takes a break you can hump on one of those arm veins.

And Jared gets extra points for wearing a skirt that looks exactly like what the sluttier girls in my high school P.E. class turned their gym sweats into.

via JL.com (Thanks Kiley)

In case you missed it, here's a purdy girl using her mastery make-up skills to transform herself into the purdiest girl of all: JARED LETO! For those of you who regularly lick your fingers and twerk your nipples to pictures of Jordan Catalano, this might throw your genitals for a loop. Or for the straight dudes out there who regularly pinch your peens to pictures of Jordan Catalano because he's THAT pretty, this might make you feel better. I don't know!

But I do know that if I was her I would be in Jared Leto drag all the time. I mean, you'd get 50% off at the Urban Decay counter, Claire Danes would hug you in public and Emo boys and girls would constantly buy you shots of Red Bull-infused beer (or whatever the fuck Emo kids drink). Wait, or maybe this girl has been Jared Leto the entire time. That would make a lot of sense, strangely enough.

via TDW

When I was a freshmen in high school, I dyed my hair the color of a rusty penny and shaved everything except for a patch of curls in the front. My head looked like one of the title roles in 2 Girls, 1 Cup (hint: neither of the 2 girls). My mom took one look at it, immediately inhaled the first reaction that was sitting on her tongue and finally said, "If that's what you want to do."

So that's what I'm going to say to these pictures of Jared Leto walking around in SoHo yesterday looking like a Tokio Hotel roadie who found out the hard way that porcupines don't make good pillows. And he's doing it!

Now that Jared Leto has finally ripped the cockatoo from the top of his head, he can jump on his white wheels and ride through the city without having to worry about a flock of birds following his ass thinking they are migrating elsewhere or deal with annoying hags trying to fuck with his sexy by throwing pieces of bread at him. And even though he still dresses like a drag king doing the worst impersonation of SamRo ever, I'm glad that he's hugging his hotness again.

Anyways, here's a little more of Jared with his brother Shannon bike riding through Manhattan yesterday afternoon.

Jared Leto must have gotten sick of bitches throwing bird seed cut with Pop Rocks at the hot pink mohawk slowly sucking out his hotness from the pores on his scalp, because he finally bathed it in glue remover and put it to bed! Yes, Jared's hair is very "SamRo going to a Mad Men-themed rave", but at least it doesn't give me the urge to slip on my Super Mario overalls and jump on top of it. Although, that's not really a bad urge to have.

Now that Jared's hair is looking like it walks amongst us in this dimension, he needs to stop taking fashion advice from a color blind raver who has ingested way too much glow stick juice and only buys accessories from the candy section at Toys "R" Us.

Here's more of Jared with his 30 Seconds to Mars bandmates Shannen Leto and Mars Tomo at a press conference in Mexico City.

I left my head in a toilet somewhere last night and my stomach is starting a revolt, so these pictures of Jared Leto with his brother Shannon at Radio 1's Big Weekend in Wales yesterday are making me want to camp out in my bathroom for the rest of the day.

Why is Jared Leto doing this to us? Doesn't he know that bitches suffering from hangovers today want to see pictures of him with both his nipples out and without some King Koopa shit on top of his head. Seeing Jared fully embracing his hotness would soothe my hangover. But instead, he just had to show up looking like a 16-year-old lesbian from the late 80s whose lifelong dream is to become a Kids Inc. back-up dancer.

The next time Rayanne and Rickie offer to give Jordan Catalano a makeover in the girl's bathroom after they just finished sniffing freon, he should just SAY NO.

That being said, I'd still softly brush my nalgas with his homohawk.

Jared Leto is really trying to test our asses! Jared is trying to drive us to the point where we pull our panties back up, throw up our lube-covered hands and scream, "I would NOT hit it!"

Jared posted his latest test on his Twitter page.

Nice try, Jared. Your latest act of fuggery still won't make me tell my genitals to stand down! Even though you look like the pretty dyke punk girl in my junior high wood shop class who always smelled like vinegar and fruit punch from dying her hair with Kool-Aid, I still would. Just throw a Carrot Top wig on that bitch, and we're ready to go.

(Thanks Brent)