When Anne Hathaway showed up to the Oscars wearing a powder pink Prada nipple dress, Ghouliana Rancic from E! (or somebody like that) said that she was supposed to wear a Valentino gown, but she changed at the last minute after finding out that someone else was wearing a dress that looked just like it. ESCANDALO! That somebody else was Amanda Seyfried. Because Valentino issued a press release to the media hours before the Oscars saying that Anne was going to wear them, she released some super annoying public apology to them. Well, now UsWeekly is saying that at rehearsals the day before the Oscars, Amanda Seyfried showed Anne a picture of the Alexander McQueen dress she was going to wear and Tracy Flick's overachieving idol lost her mind. UsWeekly put it like this:
"Anne was like 'WTF?!'" the source reports. "She started throwing a fit!" The 30-year-old Best Supporting Actress victor, however, "never told Amanda she had to change the dress." Still, Seyfried, 27, was ruffled by Hathaway's tirade. "Amanda didn't want to deal with it and left" the rehearsal, the source notes.
I'm with Anne Hathaway on this. She wore a copy of that Valentino gown in all of the dozens of dress rehearsals she had for her Oscar acceptance speech and everything was perfect until that come-to-life Simpsons character had to RUIN HER WHOLE FUCKING LIFE by wearing a dress that looked like hers. How would you feel if you had to change your costume the day before opening night? But Anne handled it all wrong. Anne should've put on the fake smile she's known for and then later that night, she should've broken into Amanda's hotel room and poured itching powder all over that copy cat dress. Anne failed herself by not asking, "What would Eve Harrington do?"
Kunty Karl isn't the only designer who will look a basic bitch up and down and dismiss her with one hand while delicately fanning his beauty with the other. Shoe designer Manolo Blahnik, seen above dressed like a dainty ring bearer at an Easter time wedding, can't be bothered with the likes of such simple mice girls like Annanda Hathafried or Amme Seythaway, or whatever their names are, because he's way too busy worshiping at the feet of real screen goddesses like Sherilyn Fenn and Lara Flynn Boyle. Random, I know. Manolo is obsessed with Twin Peaks and while talking to Interview Magazine (via P6), he said that they just don't make 'em like Lara Flynn Boyle anymore. (Shhh cállate, nobody tell Manolo what Lara Flynn Boyle did to her face.)
Manolo pulled a "Harpo, who dis woman?" on Anne Hathaway and Amanda Seyfried while declaring his undying love for the beauties of Twin Peaks. Shade on, shady queen, shade on:
Well, last time, I had this, what do you call it? What is it called, this, this thing here? [Blahnik's hands circle over the right side of his torso] Forget about it. I forget about the diseases that I have. I don't want to know. But anyway, so I have this thing here, and when I went to this award at the Savoy, I was 40 degrees [centigrade] in temperature, and I said to people, "Please forgive me that I'm out of it." And I was waiting to be photographed. And I almost fainted on that girl, the tiny woman from France, no, from Mexico . . . Salma Hayek. But she's a sweet girl, beautiful. I love that. This is what I really love: Where are those girls? I was looking the other day, Lara Flynn Boyle in Twin Peaks and that other girl Sherilyn Fenn—they're old-school girls like Elizabeth Taylor, and I think that's so fabulous. David Lynch is démodé now, if you look at his films. I looked at them the other weekend. I said, "I'm going to stay in bed, I can't take anymore." And so I watched the whole series of Twin Peaks. I was in heaven. And I realized how bad it is.
And then Manolo starts rambling about some other movie before he gets back to slobbering over Sherilyn Fenn and Lara Flynn Boyle:
Then I saw these girls like Sherilyn Fenn and Lara Flynn Boyle that should be working now instead of these anonymous girls. They're all the same. I don't even know Amanda Seyfried or whatever—they're all the same! I try to remember—the only one I remember is Julia Roberts because she's particular. Anne Hathaway . . . Pretty? Yes. Wonderful actress? Yes. But, I mean, I don't even remember her. What is it about her?
.....I'm not saying she's not beautiful or a great actress. I just don't remember her.
Manolo must not go on the Internet and the one TV he owns must only play one channel (The Twin Peaks Channel), because how can you not remember Anne Hathaway? Every time you open your laptop and turn on your TV, her TEEFS are hitting in the eyes. She's everywhere!
And Manolo made a huge mistake by admitting that he thinks Anne Hathaway is forgettable. Anne Hathaway wants everyone to remember her forever! Anne is going to break into Manolo's fan room and replace all his fans with fans made from her head shots. Anne is going to replace his Twin Peaks box set with The Anne Hathaway Box Set (available in stores the day after the Oscars!). Anne is going to replace the velvet painting of Sherilyn Fenn over his bed with a velvet painting of Anne Hathaway.
Anne Hathaway will not be forgotten!!!!
And when she wins the Oscar on Sunday, she'll look into the camera and say, "Guess you'll remember me now, you dusty old queen!" *mic drop* But sadly for Anne, Manolo won't be watching. He's going to watch Boxing Helena instead.
The Shrine Auditorium is still standing today and that means that Anne Hathaway won the SAG Award for Best Supporting Actress, because if she didn't she would've screamed and bawled until the entire building collapsed into a pile of dust and tears. To accept her 699th award of the year, the 15-year-old theater nerd trapped in the body of an Anne Hathaway wore a see-through skirt over a shorty cocktail dress covered in black aquarium rocks.
I don't know how to feel about this dress. On one hand, that skirt might be detachable and I have serious feelings about skirts that detach. It looks like something Lucille Ball would've worn to a funeral party in the 80s. On the other hand, methinks that skirt wasn't detachable, because if it was it would've detached itself from that annoying ass ho as she gave another annoying ass acceptance speech (click here to see it). Bitch is always out of breath and she tries really hard to come across as humble, but she's about as humble as Kanye West.
On a positive note, I am starting to like the mop on Anne Hathaway's head. She obviously goes to the same barber as John Krasinski. If she shaved her sides, she'd have Justin Timberlake hair. I bet during commercials breaks, Justin and Anne shared a flat iron and a can of AquaNet in the ladies lounge.
Here's a few pictures from last night's SAGs. In order!: Peter Pan in funeral drag, Jaimie Alexander, Dr. Blossom, Jessica Chastain, B. Coop, Marion Cotillard, Claire Danes, a construction worker, Michelle Dockery, Nurse Jackie, Tina Fey, Jennifer Garner, the owner of the Hammaconda with Jennifer Westfeldt, Julianne Marguiles, Taye Diggs with Idina Menzel, Julianne Moore, Amy Poehler, Amanda Seyfried, Timberlake, Sofia Vergara and Naomi Watts.
I promise that this will be my last 2013 Golden Globes post of the year (no, it won't be) and after this we shall never speak of the 2013 Golden Globes again (yes, we will), but how can I not post about the only reason why the 2013 Golden Globes happened in the first place? The 2013 Golden Globes only existed to pay tribute to the greatest singing and acting talent of this and every other generation!
Of course, Anne Hathaway won Best Supporting Actress for Les Miserables and after she burped out a "blergh," she said, "Oh my gosh, this is happening." Bitch, stop. Don't act like you didn't build a replica of the Golden Globes stage in your spare room just so you could practice your acceptance speech for weeks beforehand. Anne totally screened her speech for test audiences and asked them if she should keep in the line, "Thank you for this lovely blunt object that I will forevermore use as a weapon against self doubt." They voted to keep that line in, obviously. Anne continued to blabber on and she went overtime, but she wasn't done yet.
In the clip above, Les Miserables is named the Best Comedy Or Musical (Note: Les Miserables qualified as a comedy and a musical thanks to Russell Crowe's singing) of the year and before the movie's producer can even start his speech, Anne hijacks the mic and mouth farts out all the names of hos she forgot to thank. Anne looked so nervous, crazed and anxious when she hopped on the mic that I thought she was going to scream, "He's wearing a bomb! Everybody run!" But it was a different kind of emergency. Anne just needed to thank more people. That's all.
After the show ended, Anne jumped back on the mic and continued to thank people while the crew struck the set and moved all the chairs out of the ballroom. The crew then picked up the part of the stage that Anne was on and moved it to the back of a truck as she kept thanking people. That truck is now somewhere between Los Angeles and Barstow, and Anne is still on it, thanking people.
Here's Anne, wearing a lovely dildo cozy, while posing with some of her Les Miserables castmates last night.
Let's take a moment to recognize the "Bitch, did the try hard evil spirit of Lea Michele temporarily possess your body?" side-eye that Anne Hathaway is throwing at Amanda Seyfried.
Anne Hathaway took a moment from going on and on about how she starved herself by only eating oatmeal jerky to play a singing, dying hooker and she put on a hot dress to pose at tonight's London premiere of Les Misérables (aka the movie you'll recommend seeing on Christmas Day, which will make one of your relatives scream, "I don't want to read no movie with subtitles!").
When Anne puts on a fancy dress for a premiere or whatever, she usually looks like she's in the middle of devising a devious scheme to take down Supergirl or planning to crash Amanda's wedding in Moldavia, and I can appreciate that. This dress looks like an extra fancy, pearl-encrusted maxi-pad with WINGS! I love how Anne has to lift her arms to show off those wings and it doesn't seem like she feels stupid while doing so. Bitch is committed! I even love that it looks like she's farting out a ruffle.
Here's more of Anne Hathaway looking like an 80s comic book villainess while posing with Amanda Seyfried, Hugh JackMeOff, Russell Crowe and Samantha Barks.
Usually, I'm all for a dress that makes eyes frantically search the chichis zone for a possible nipple slip situation, but I just can't with the mess Jessica Chastain had on her body at the Doogie Howser SINGS! Show last night. To me, in interviews Jessica Chastain always comes off as a sweet, overexcited kitten whose eyes flare with potent glee at the sight of anything shiny, so I sort of understand why she decided to wear this shit. "SHINY! AH WANTS IT ON ME!" was probably Jessica's first reaction to that fug mess. But it's her friends, family and stylist's job to gently sit on her something soft, hand her a cup of herbal tea and calmly tell her that the dress she chose makes her tits look like they fell into a coma after contracting a rare bedazzled bacteria infection. Even Jessica's chichis are frowning at this look.
That dress has achieved the impossible by looking both slutty and frumpy. It's like a whory memaw's freakum dress. That dress is such a slut that it even comes with its own STD. Or maybe that shit on her dress is a sparkly green fungus only found in the enchanted forest or rotten eggs laid by a gay trout. I don't know what it is, but I do know the free clinic should quarantine it and treat it with a topical ointment.
And Jessica made that mess look even worse by standing next to the epitome of glamorous perfection Bernadette Peters. Who let her do that and why do they hate Jessica so much?
Anyway, here's a bunch of pictures from last night's TONYs. In order: Jessica Cheststains with Bernadette Peters, Ellen Barkin (whose hairline should be studied by the Unexplained Mysteries people), Judith Light, Ricky Martin, NPH with his partner, Sheryl Crow, Amanda Seyfried, BP, Clair Huxtable, a pug in Endora drag, Stockard Channing, Audra McDonald, Linda Lavin and Hugh Jackmeoff with his feathered beard.
Les Misérables doesn't come out until Christmastimes, but Universal is giving the hungry theater queens a quick Q-Tip tap in the form of this first trailer. In the trailer, Anne Hathaway coughs out a few slightly weak musical notes before we see a raggedy Hugh Jacksmen (who still looks cleaner than Brad Pitt) as the bread stealer, Russell Crowe as Javert, Amanda Seyfried as Cosette, Eddie Redmayne as Marius and Samantha Barks as Eponine. You know, I used to be one of those hating bitches who felt like the ghost of Donny Hathaway would make a better Fantine than Anne Hathaway, but this trailer has sort of changed my mind. Bitch isn't supposed to sound all polished and pretty. Bitch sold her hair and is wearing fingerless gloves. You would cry through the musical notes too if you looked like a Brooklyn hipster going to a backyard barbecue. Bitch is dreaming of a shower and a gift certificate to Supercuts so she can fix that busted, jagged ass haircut. It's a tragic story.
That being said, I still wished this movie starred Susan Boyle as Fantine, a bunch of stray cats as the other roles and Epponnee-Rae from Kath & Kim as Eponine.
After posing on the red carpet at the London premiere for her movie Red Riding Hoodrat, precious princess Amanda Seyfried returned to her car and found a parking ticket tucked safely under her windshield wiper. The thing, Amanda wasn't even driving, but that didn't stop her from throwing a spoiled little girl tantrum by yanking the ticket out of her car and handing it back to the warden before saying: "Thank you, but no thank you." This is funny since I'm sure most people who went to see that awful shit movie said those same words while throwing their movie tickets into the trash after walking out 20 minutes into it.
As much as I'm a fan of diva bitch moves, there was really no need for Amanda to act like an asshole to a traffic warden who could care less that she's mad. It's unnecessary, makes her look like a dick and is a dumb thing to do. Think about it. Amanda should've just smiled her manufactured Disney princess smile, took the ticket and slipped it into her clutch. The next time she needs to illegally park in London, she can pull it out and put it under her windshield wiper so every traffic warden will walk on by.* Sometimes you really need to use your brain instead of your cunt gene.
* WARNING: I've tried this before. It doesn't work. Boo.
We won't know if the tiny human in Alexis Knapp's womb has genes that will give he or she curly golden hair, a natural six-pack and a voice duller than a sloth's cum shot until he or she undergoes a Maury Povich special after slipping down the vagina slide. Sources close to Alexis say that she's pretty sure her unborn baby was made with Ryan Phillippe's sperm fishes. Ryan wants to take a DNA test before he starts writing Alexis a child support check every single month. But TMZ says that even though Ryan is still months away from seeing the receipts, he's still helping Alexis pay her bills while she's got her swole feet on the ottoman and can't work.
The deal was that Alexis would keep her lips closed to the media if Ryan impregnated her checking account with a bundle of cash every single week.
At first, the sight of Alexis Knapp made me want to take a damn nap, but I'm beginning to appreciate her gold digging style. There's plenty of women out there who work right until the baby's head is pushing them out of their desk chair. When their water breaks, they use that shit to wet the stamps on some business letters they have to send. And when they can't hold on anymore, they politely take a 15-minute break and pop that baby out in the bathroom before clocking back in with a few minutes to spare. But Alexis can't work. I know she's a model, but the JCPenney catalog does have a maternity section, thankyouverymuch.
With all that being said, if Ryan's dumb ass is paying, why work? If the baby isn't Ryan's and he asks for his money back, Alexis should just say, "What money?" and then distract him with a shiny object. Ryan's got the Herp Derps in a bad way so he'd fall for it.
And here's Ryan with his on-and-off fuck buddy Amanda Seyfried taking his dog for a walk in L.A. yesterday afternoon.
Amanda Seyfried and Elle Magazine got together, and some time before or after she posed with a goose, she casually let it be known that she felt the wet warmth of Alexander Skarsgard's Swedish berries on her tongue once or twice. Amanda said it like nothing. Like the same way John Galliano says, "J'adore di Hitler." LIKE NOTHING! Allow me to let this information marinate on my WTF place while you go through all the quotes that came out of Amanda's mouth before she dropped an envelope filled with SKARS.
On her best on-screen kisses: “I can’t lie. It didn’t suck making out with Channing [Tatum] and Justin [Timberlake]. “
On who she would like to be paired up with next: “I’d really love to make out with Michael Fassbender. Put me in a movie with that guy. I’m serious. Wow.”
On falling in love on set: “[It is] one of the easiest things in the world. You’re both open. You’re put in a situation where you have to make out with each other. It’s easy for things to get carried away.”
On how she thought her recent ex Dominic Cooper was breaking up with his longtime girlfriend to be with her: “I was just kind of foolishly thinking that the two of them were done and Dom and I were involved. But we weren’t really as involved as I thought. So I got my heart broken pretty hard.”
On eventually getting back together with Cooper: “…and then it took a long time for us to break up again. After that, it’s really hard to open myself up to a new person. Really hard.”
On her rumored romance with Ryan Phillippe: “Um, yeah. I’ve been ‘seen’ with him.”
On Alexander Skarsgård: “We dated. He’s superfunny, but I was too involved with Dom.”
HUH?! Amanda didn't dump ASkars because her vagina kept clapping his name in Morse code and it got distracting. And she also didn't end things with ASkars because she kept screaming the name of IKEA products when he was hitting it from the back and it freaked her out. Bitch quit ASkars for Dominic Cooper! Amanda obviously didn't say this in front of the goose or that trick would've pecked her tongue out. And I would've held the goose's purse while it did so.