Real People

Christopher Bridgeman and Martin Borger of Norfolk, VA were waiting for their luggage to come around the baggage carousel at Norfolk International Airport when the words "It wasn't not funny!" almost leaped off of their tongues after seeing one of their bags with a dirty dildo taped to the top of it. Normally, when you see a bag with a dildo taped to the top of it, the next thing you see is me running to grab it. (I mean, a dildo is the best and clearest bag marker.) But that didn't happen this time and Christopher and Martin were not laughing.

Christopher and Martin tell NBC News (via Towleroad) that they were coming back from a trip to Costa Rica on May 21, 2011 and when they had a layover in Houston, they had to take their luggage through customs and re-check it. Their luggage seemed fine when they grabbed it in Houston. But they believe that a baggage handler in Houston, went into their bag, found their dildo and decided to shame them by covering it in some "greasy, foul-smelling substance" before taping it to the top of their bag. When the dirty dildo bag landed on the carousel, onlookers started laughing and this humiliated Christopher and Martin even more.

Martin told NBC that he knew exactly what it was when he first saw it and he was "shocked" and "horrified." Christopher thinks that because of the name on the tag and the clothes inside the bag, the handler knew the dildo was in a dude's bag, so the handler "maliciously" and "intentionally" humiliated them for shits. The couple, who have been together for 9 years, are suing United Continental for intentional infliction of emotional distress, invasion of privacy and negligence. They want an unspecified amount in damages and they want the airline to pay for their attorney fees. When it first happened in May 2011, United Continental offered them some kind of "gesture of goodwill," but Christopher and Martin turned it down.

United Continental says they conducted a serious investigation and they found nothing that supports Christopher and Martin's dildo-shaming claims. They said they will defend themselves in court and I really hope that one of the sides gets to say, "We call our star witness, the dirty dildo itself, to the stand."

We already have to worry about all sorts of crap when we travel and now we have to worry about someone messing up a good dildo by covering it in some foul-smelling grease while trying to be funny? (Note: I don't even want to know what that foul-smelling grease was. It brings up a lot of bad memories of bad dates.) From now on, I'm just going to shove my dildo into my carry-on (you decide what I mean by that) and bring it on the plane with me. It's all fun and games until some evil bitch screws with your dildo and not in a sexy way either.

I was going to post something about last night's episode of The Fake-Tanned Genital Wart Hour of Fun, but I've decided to go with this piece of reality instead. You'd think girl-on-girl action at the Munch Time Diner would make Queen Latifah close the door and open up her special drawer, but definitely not this time.

Animal New York says that all hyena hell broke loose when a cell phone went missing at the Bronx's Munch Time Diner last Sunday. Thongs were exposed! Heels went into faces! Glamorous outfits were ruined! It's like if they ran out of Ritalin and tranquilizers at a child beauty pageant. I'm serious about the glamorous outfits part too. As soon as the rojo-head at the end of the clip gets out of the ICU, she'll be ready for the fucking runway in that ensemble.

And all through the clip, one of them keeps screaming "Brooklyn style, bitch!" on a loop. I wonder if she teaches the art of "Brooklyn Style, Bitch!" fightin' at the Y? Since I live in Brooklyn now, I should probably learn its fightin' style. You know, just in case I ever lose my cell phone at the Munch Time Diner in the Bronx and have to call it by banging a trick's head into the payphone. Or something.

Yeah, I'm definitely going to learn "Brooklyn Style, Bitch." My opponents never take me seriously during a fight when I scream at them, "It's Kingdom of Caring style, bitch!"

via Gawker TV

Here's a quick update about this morning's Hot Slut of the Day Ted Williams, the homeless man who won't be homeless for long thanks to his radio perfect voice. Ted not only made his radio debut this morning, but he also appeared live on CBS' Early Show where he showed off a new look. Gone are the long follicles that made him look like he was always riding in the back seat of a convertible speeding down PCH.

Ted could be standing in a windowless room without vents and still look like Kirstie Alley simultaneously queefed and farted his way. Not since Beyonce have I seen someone with that gift. But now it's gone. I understand. The whole "out with the old" shit. Ted's new hair makes him look like a mash-up of Tim Meadows and Obama, and that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Below is Ted's interview with the Early Show this morning. Ted says that he's on his way to NYC this afternoon to see his 92-year-old mom. Warning: this clip will make the warm emotion called "love" hitchhike towards the frozen tundra that is your heart. Don't play if you want to stay cunty.

TDW also has a rundown of all the offers that have come Ted's way since the Internet made him a star a hot second ago. The Cleveland Cavaliers offered him a full-time job and an entire house. The Ohio Credit Union League also gave Ted a $10,000 check in exchange for voice-over work.

You see, the Internet isn't TOTALLY a cesspool that sucks souls and destroys lives. Every now and again it spits out something good.

You're on a date with some dude you really like and it's going better than well. He tells you that he loves the way your hair curls like Mariah Carey's before she discovered a flat iron, and you giggle as he opens up the door for you to the County Fair store near your house in Meadville, PA. While browsing for beef jerky and condoms, you decide that you like this dude SO MUCH that you really want to do something special that will impress him. You know what to do. You grab his hand, lead him to the walk-in freezer, pull your skirt up, pull down your panties and take a straight-up piss all over a bunch of bagels and cookies. A swoon fills the dude's heart as urine-scented cold smoke fills the freezer. That's exactly what 23-year-old Carrie Harkness did on Saturday morning.

The Smoking Gun says that Carrie's impromptu freezer piss caused $508 in damages. Carrie was charged with criminal mischief and disorderly conduct and for being a nasty ass. Carrie will have to show her face in court on January 12th.

A couple of days after Carrie, who is a mother of two, killed a bunch of cookies by emptying her bladder on them, she posted this message on her Facebook:

“Omg have you ever liked someone so much and go out with them and make a fool of yourself????? wish I could take back friday night!!!!! But youngstown is on point wish my friend could forgive me!!!!!!”

Okay, we've all been drunk in the middle of a walk-in freezer and thought about pissing on the bagels, but we didn't do it! Just like we've all been drunk in the middle of the subway and thought about pulling our nipple out to try to lick it, but we didn't (at least I don't think I did) do it! I mean, I'd stand in her corner if she pulled the "When You Gotta Go You Gotta Go" card, but her excuse is that she was trying to impress somebody. Who the fuck is she trying to impress with her down to piss antics? R. Kelly? If that's the case, no amount of golden shower behavior is going to impress him since homegirl is a little out of his usual age range.

When are McDonald's employees going to learn that you never deny a crazy bitch Chicken McNuggets? NEVER! I mean, when a bitch rolls up to the drive-thru window with a twitch in her eye and a stiff fist, you just throw your entire inventory of McNuggets at her and then hide under the cash register. Two employees at a McDonald's in Toledo, Ohio learned this lesson the hard way.

On January 1st at 6 in the morning, 24-year-old Melodi Dushane (that's Melodi Doucheanal if you're a McDonald's manager) drove up to McDonald's hoping to feast on a 6-pack of processed fried chicken parts for her first meal of the new year. Let me correct myself. Her SECOND meal of the new year. I'm sure her first meal consisted of condom lube, pubic hair and Early Times whiskey. In my circle that's a balanced meal.

Anyway, the McDonald's employee just had to kill Melodi's buzz by telling her that they do not serve McNuggets before 11am. Well, Melodi responded the way any civilized human being in that situation would. She kissed her first for good luck and popped the bitch in the mouth. McPOW! I guess Melodi likes blood sauce with her nuggets.

After Melodi handed over her customer satisfaction survey in the form of a punch to the lip, the night manager came to the window. Melodi greeted her with a punch too and they both went at it. File this under: You might be a refined lady if....

The two were finally separated and Melodi got in the last word by breaking the drive-thru window with her fist. The police were called and Melodi was arrested.

Remember that Crazy McCrazy (no relation to Ronald) who called 911 after they told her they were out of McNuggets? Well, Melodi needs to join forces with that ho so the two can fight for the right to eat McNuggets! It's 2010! We should all be able to clog our arteries with Chicken McNuggets whenever or wherever we want!

Source: The Smoking Gun

This is the face of 45-year-old Marguerite Engle who became the drunkiest drunkest drunk in South Dakota's recorded history when her blood alcohol level registered a 0.708. The state's legal limit is .08. I don't know whether to clean out my alcohol cabinet (aka a cardboard box under my kitchen) and place the booze bottles at Marguerite's feet as an offer of respect or swallow a whole box of Chaser.

The Smoking Gun reports that police found Marguerite passed out like a liquored-up turkey behind the wheel of a stolen truck earlier last month. They arrested Margie and tested her drunkness down at the station. They tried to get her blood alcohol level from a breathalyzer, but the weak ass thing exploded as soon as she blew into it. You know bitch makes breathalyzers go boom. She might be a goddess.

Margie was bailed out by someone named Jim Beam and then was taken to a local hospital.

This beautiful portrait of Marguerite was snapped earlier this year after she was arrested for attacking a government employee and being a drunken ho in public. The picture now hangs at the corporate offices of Jack Daniels with the caption "Person of the Year" underneath it.

The average bitch's body is around 60% water, but Marguerite's is 0% water and 98% booze. That means the bitch probably pisses out vodka and shits out whiskey nuggets! Marguerite is like a walking open bar. The Hoff is at Jared right now picking out an engagement ring to give to Marguerite. He is in love.

All ballsacks need to leave the room now. Whatever was left of mine is already on the corner trying to flag a cab down. You've been warned.

Anthony Clark was strolling down a street in Langley, BC, minding his own business, when some lady kicked him in his tea bags for absolutely no reason. The bitch busted him so hard in the crotch that one his testicles shot up into his abdomen like a sledge hammer carnival game.

Anthony tells The Calgary Herald that he didn't know how bad it was until that night when he realized one of his sperm sacks was missing in action. When Anthony went to see his doctor, he was told to mourn the loss of his testicle, because it ruptured. They had to yank it out and will replace it with a prosthetic one in a couple of months. Fortunately, Anthony can still have chirruns if he wants to.

When Anthony went to file a report with the police about the incident, he was told that the same fuckery happened to several other dudes. They are now on the search for The Testicle Terrorist of Langley who is described as a Caucasian lady in her 20s.

Okay, there are plenty times throughout the day that I just want to run outside and karate kick a random dude in the dick, but DAMN! It's called self-control...and massive amounts of weed. Lick a nut, don't kick one!

And let me just type what we're all thinking: KATE GOSSELIN MUST BE STOPPED!

VIA C+D

The next time (aka today after work) you get into fight of words and slaps with a fellow traveler on public transportation, just know that someone could be filming that shit! Make sure you look hot. Thankfully, this battle over a bus seat on San Francisco's Muni was captured on a dude's cell phone.

Apparently, the two ladies were fighting over a seat (aren't they always) when shit got really real! Basically, the argument consisted of the words: fuck, you, stupid, bitch. It's like I wrote the dialogue for this fight. Those are really the only words you know when you're battling a bitch over a seat!

After they blew air kisses at each other for a while, the fists started flying! AND HOW! I'm pretty sure I saw the Asian lady deliver a drop kick on the other chick. Damn. That is some Mortal Kombat shit. Level her up! The Fight Queen of Muni!

When video of the fight made its way on to YouTube, Muni said they are investigating the incident. They said the bus operator should have notified the SFPD about the fight, but they did not. That's because the bus driver was probably too busy betting on a winner.

VIA SFist

Usually when you have a fight with your common-law husband, you hit him over the head with a frying pan, shank him in the neck with an ice-pick or call his mother to tell her that you caught him jacking off to her picture in the bathroom. You know, you get your revenge the normal way. Well, some crazy ho in Texas went way too far when she decided to pull a Fatal Attraction on her common-law husband's goldfish.

USA Today says that the police in Pasadena, TX were called to a home by a man claiming his wife fried up their goldfish and ate 'em up after an argument. When they arrived, they found a plate with four fried goldfish on it. The crazy bitch admitted that she ate 3. And you know there was a tiny fried fin hanging out of her mouth when she confessed to it.

The man said they had an argument after he took back some joo-ree he bought for her. When he refused to give it back to her after she begged, she grabbed the fish out of their bowl and made herself a snack fit for a lunatic.

After the police gave the woman a "Are you a fucking cat?" side-eye, they told the couple it was civil matter they had to work out themselves. No charges were filed.

Obviously, the man needs to get back at her by frying her joo-ree and swallowing that up. And at least the two didn't have any pet bunnies or puppies.......

(Thanks Larissa)

I don't have a picture of the child slappin' villain of this story, but he probably has the same kind of permanent "I HATE EVERYTHING" look on his face as this grouchy pepaw who whooped a kid at Wal-Mart, so this will work! Now on to the story.

Yet another grown ass adult is in trouble for bringing his hand down on the face of a stranger's child in public. And this dude tops them all, because he allegedly slapped an autistic child. The devil cackles!

76-year-old Frank Teverbaugh, a local hero and high school coach in Richland, WA, is due in court next week to answer to charges of misdemeanor assault after he allegedly swore and hit a 7-year-old autistic boy outside of the library. Apparently, the boy was in the middle of a major tantrum while he was being led out of the library by his caretaker. The boy's mother was right behind them when she says she witnessed Frank approach her son and shout "Shut the fuck up!" before backhanding him in the face.

The boy wasn't the one to eff with, so he hit Frank back. At that point, Frank hit the boy a second time giving him a bloody nose. The boy's mother finally ran up to Frank and told him her son was autistic. Frank replied, "I don't give a rat's ass!" and stormed off. The boy's mother tried to call the police, but was told to go down to the station file a report which she did. Later that day, a police officer visited Frank and he received an assault citation.

Frank claims that the boy hit him hard first and he responded by "only" hitting him in the "fanny." He said he never slapped the boy in the face. Frank went on to say, "I don't know why I did it. He hit me pretty good. I was surprised a boy that small would hit has hard as he could. That is the truth."

Do we need to start sending old grouchy people back to pre-school so that they can learn to keep their hands to themselves? DAMN. It's not hard! If a child hits you, call 911, have them arrested, testify at their trial and laugh as the judge sentences them to life in prison. Do not hit them back!

I mean, I've been slapped by a dozen kids (e-mail me for their addresses to send them thank you gifts) and I always respond by removing myself from the situation. This is exactly why bongs were invented. If a child whoops you, pick up a bong and you'll forget all about it in a quick second. I bet if the good shit was legalized fuckery like this wouldn't happen as often.

Source (Thanks Amy)