Real People

All ballsacks need to leave the room now. Whatever was left of mine is already on the corner trying to flag a cab down. You've been warned.

Anthony Clark was strolling down a street in Langley, BC, minding his own business, when some lady kicked him in his tea bags for absolutely no reason. The bitch busted him so hard in the crotch that one his testicles shot up into his abdomen like a sledge hammer carnival game.

Anthony tells The Calgary Herald that he didn't know how bad it was until that night when he realized one of his sperm sacks was missing in action. When Anthony went to see his doctor, he was told to mourn the loss of his testicle, because it ruptured. They had to yank it out and will replace it with a prosthetic one in a couple of months. Fortunately, Anthony can still have chirruns if he wants to.

When Anthony went to file a report with the police about the incident, he was told that the same fuckery happened to several other dudes. They are now on the search for The Testicle Terrorist of Langley who is described as a Caucasian lady in her 20s.

Okay, there are plenty times throughout the day that I just want to run outside and karate kick a random dude in the dick, but DAMN! It's called self-control...and massive amounts of weed. Lick a nut, don't kick one!

And let me just type what we're all thinking: KATE GOSSELIN MUST BE STOPPED!

VIA C+D

The next time (aka today after work) you get into fight of words and slaps with a fellow traveler on public transportation, just know that someone could be filming that shit! Make sure you look hot. Thankfully, this battle over a bus seat on San Francisco's Muni was captured on a dude's cell phone.

Apparently, the two ladies were fighting over a seat (aren't they always) when shit got really real! Basically, the argument consisted of the words: fuck, you, stupid, bitch. It's like I wrote the dialogue for this fight. Those are really the only words you know when you're battling a bitch over a seat!

After they blew air kisses at each other for a while, the fists started flying! AND HOW! I'm pretty sure I saw the Asian lady deliver a drop kick on the other chick. Damn. That is some Mortal Kombat shit. Level her up! The Fight Queen of Muni!

When video of the fight made its way on to YouTube, Muni said they are investigating the incident. They said the bus operator should have notified the SFPD about the fight, but they did not. That's because the bus driver was probably too busy betting on a winner.

VIA SFist

Usually when you have a fight with your common-law husband, you hit him over the head with a frying pan, shank him in the neck with an ice-pick or call his mother to tell her that you caught him jacking off to her picture in the bathroom. You know, you get your revenge the normal way. Well, some crazy ho in Texas went way too far when she decided to pull a Fatal Attraction on her common-law husband's goldfish.

USA Today says that the police in Pasadena, TX were called to a home by a man claiming his wife fried up their goldfish and ate 'em up after an argument. When they arrived, they found a plate with four fried goldfish on it. The crazy bitch admitted that she ate 3. And you know there was a tiny fried fin hanging out of her mouth when she confessed to it.

The man said they had an argument after he took back some joo-ree he bought for her. When he refused to give it back to her after she begged, she grabbed the fish out of their bowl and made herself a snack fit for a lunatic.

After the police gave the woman a "Are you a fucking cat?" side-eye, they told the couple it was civil matter they had to work out themselves. No charges were filed.

Obviously, the man needs to get back at her by frying her joo-ree and swallowing that up. And at least the two didn't have any pet bunnies or puppies.......

(Thanks Larissa)

I don't have a picture of the child slappin' villain of this story, but he probably has the same kind of permanent "I HATE EVERYTHING" look on his face as this grouchy pepaw who whooped a kid at Wal-Mart, so this will work! Now on to the story.

Yet another grown ass adult is in trouble for bringing his hand down on the face of a stranger's child in public. And this dude tops them all, because he allegedly slapped an autistic child. The devil cackles!

76-year-old Frank Teverbaugh, a local hero and high school coach in Richland, WA, is due in court next week to answer to charges of misdemeanor assault after he allegedly swore and hit a 7-year-old autistic boy outside of the library. Apparently, the boy was in the middle of a major tantrum while he was being led out of the library by his caretaker. The boy's mother was right behind them when she says she witnessed Frank approach her son and shout "Shut the fuck up!" before backhanding him in the face.

The boy wasn't the one to eff with, so he hit Frank back. At that point, Frank hit the boy a second time giving him a bloody nose. The boy's mother finally ran up to Frank and told him her son was autistic. Frank replied, "I don't give a rat's ass!" and stormed off. The boy's mother tried to call the police, but was told to go down to the station file a report which she did. Later that day, a police officer visited Frank and he received an assault citation.

Frank claims that the boy hit him hard first and he responded by "only" hitting him in the "fanny." He said he never slapped the boy in the face. Frank went on to say, "I don't know why I did it. He hit me pretty good. I was surprised a boy that small would hit has hard as he could. That is the truth."

Do we need to start sending old grouchy people back to pre-school so that they can learn to keep their hands to themselves? DAMN. It's not hard! If a child hits you, call 911, have them arrested, testify at their trial and laugh as the judge sentences them to life in prison. Do not hit them back!

I mean, I've been slapped by a dozen kids (e-mail me for their addresses to send them thank you gifts) and I always respond by removing myself from the situation. This is exactly why bongs were invented. If a child whoops you, pick up a bong and you'll forget all about it in a quick second. I bet if the good shit was legalized fuckery like this wouldn't happen as often.

Source (Thanks Amy)

Most of us sluts out there LIVE for an 8-inch piece of hard wood in our throats, but this isn't what any of us have in mind! EVER. 22-year-old Michelle Childers and her husband were driving through the Idaho wilderness when all of a sudden a tree branch came crashing through the window and landed in her neck. IN HER FUCKING NECK! That bitch ass tree branch rammed itself through her neck all the way to her shoulder.

Michelle had no idea that she was basically a human Christmas tree stand, until her husband started freaking out. A helicopter was brought into take Michelle to the hospital. Michelle thought she was going to spend her last moments alive with pine needles up her nostrils, but thankfully doctors were able to remove the branch after a six-hour surgery.

Michelle doesn't have insurance, so I suggest that she sue Mother Nature for this fuckery and then beat the syrup out of that tree.

I knew there was a good reason why my head is usually in the driver's lap during a "leisurely" drive through the woods.

And now after watching that video a few times, I'm going to go pass out far away from any kind of plant life. Seriously, you can't even trust trees nowadays.

Earlier this month, a Grinch-like pepaw was arrested after he slapped a crying two-year-old in the middle of Wal-Mart. That slap must have put something in the air, because it has happened again.

43-year-old Gloria Ballard was put in handcuffs on Tuesday afternoon, because she took a two-year-old boy over her knee and slappity slapped his nalgas three times in the middle of a Salvation Army in Cincinnati, Ohio.

Apparently, the boy said something to Gloria that annoyed her. My guess is that he asked her why she smelled like Amy Wino's spit cup, because Gloria has been arrested before for public intoxication and disorderly conduct. Yes, you know you're living the life when you're drunkenly spanking children in a Salvation Army.

In court yesterday, Gloria claimed that she never spanked the child. She said he was upset, so she was trying to comfort him by gently patting him on the back. HA! That's kind of a good excuse. The pepaw who slapped that kid in Wal-Mart should have used that one. He wasn't slapping that crying girl, he was just trying to comfort her by caressing her cheek. Sometimes old folks get stronger in their old age (I'm making that up). They don't know their own strength!

If found guilty, drunk ass Gloria could face up to six-months in jail and a $1,000 fine.

And if you have a two-year-old, you better give that kid a taser and dress 'em up in armor when you take them out in public. Slapping a stranger's child seems to be the thing.

VIA Associated Press

Remember that story from last year about that woman who refused to get off the toilet for months and her ass cheeks became one with the seat? Yeah, my nalgas still tremble when I think of that shit. Well, this story out of Australia is sort of like that, except this woman didn't want to be stuck with her toilet like that.

A 67-year-old woman in Brisbane was doing her poopy business when she fell and got her ass wedged between the toilet and a door. Homegirl didn't have one of those Life Alert things and she lives alone, so she was there for one full week. The woman was finally rescued when a neighbor heard her screeches for help and called the police.

The woman was taken to a nearby hospital, treated for dehydration and released. Now, I know you're thinking that she could've just flushed and lapped from bowl, but police say that wasn't possible. They said she "somehow became trapped with her feet stuck on either side of the toilet bowl and her body wedged against the inward-opening door." That sounds like some Cirque de Toilet shit!

You know ole' girl is never going into that bathroom again. Her soul demands that it's off-limits. She's going to be pissin' in the kitchen sink and going doody in a bucket in the backyard! If she's forced to go into that bathroom again, she's going to bring a tub of Crisco, a fully charged cell phone and some Crystal Light with her. Because if you have to drink toilet water, you should at least flavor it.

Source

This is not one of my home movies, but I wish it was. This is a video of two gays in a slappity slap brawl that has been making the rounds for a couple of weeks. My ass only viewed this fuckery yesterday (Thanks, Hex!). There's already remixes, so you know what to play at the bar this weekend.

This shit is entirely in Spanish, but cat fighting is an international language! If you can only watch a few seconds of this, skip to the 1:40 mark. Bitch gets checked! It's the grand finale. Seriously, they both should have taken a bow at the end of this.

The Asuuuu Madreeee Gays and The Why Do You Ride Drunks from Ireland should take their acts on the road together.

File this under: Why are humans the dominant species on earth?!

If this story isn't a good reason to start drinking rubbing alcohol and vodka on a Saturday afternoon, then I don't know what is....

At a park in Cambridge, Maryland on Monday, a bitch named Candy Michelle Vignari, gave birth to a baby girl....in a Port-A-Potty. Get ready to launch "Awww...Hell Naw" from the tip of your tongue, because it gets much worse. After the baby was born, Candy put her inside the caca-filled toilet, went outside and asked a construction worker for a cigarette. And we have lift-off!

The construction workers knew something in the milk wasn't clean when they noticed Candy covered in blood and womb jelly. When one of the workers tried to go into the Port-A-Potty, Candy told them not to because there was a baby in there. The police were called.

One of the workers said, "Right as the cops had pulled up I had seen her go back into the port-a-potty real quick grabbed a towel at the time I didn't know what it was and then she comes over to the cops and the cops grabbed the baby."

Candy was arrested and charged with child abuse and reckless endangerment. The baby is currently in stable condition at a local hospital.

It's too bad that the baby didn't know what was about to go down, because she could've pulled out Candy's uterus as she was sliding out so this fuckery doesn't happen again! I mean, this was unnecessary! All Candy had to do was bring the baby out and scream, "BABEH 4 SALEZ." Both St. Angelina Jolie and Vadge would've magically appeared with their checkbooks in hand.

Source (Thanks Tanya)

40-year-old James Earl Taylor (Unfortunately, not that one) and his 44-year-old girlfriend Mary S. Childers were having a fight (probably about who was going to siphon gas from the neighbor's pick-up so they could go to Wal-Mart) when they did the UNTHINKABLE! They threw Cheetos at each other! The Shelbyville Times Gazette in Tennessee says that the police were called, because abuse of Cheetos is a serious crime. However, I think the officer at the scene is guilty of the same crime.....

According to the police report, James Taylor and Mary got "involved in a verbal altercation at which time Cheetos potato chips were used in the assault." Holy Cheesus! "Cheetos potato chips"?! Cheetos and potato chips hate each other! A Cheeto wouldn't even let a potato chip lick its peen after a drunken night. That's real hate.

The report went on to say, "There was evidence of the assault. However no physical marks on either party and the primary aggressor was unable to be determined." Well, at least these two fucktards came to their senses by licking up the Cheeto dust left on their bodies. Never waste the Cheeto dust.

James Taylor and Mary were arrested and charged with domestic assault. They are due back in court on July 15th.

Expect Our Lady of Cheetos to be front row in the court room to speak for the innocent victim who doesn't have a voice in any of this: CHEETOS. You don't disrespect the Cheeto like that! The only time Brit Brit is okay with someone throwing Cheetos is if they are throwing them into her hole (you choose which one). Cheetos were made for love, not war!

(Thanks Stephanie)