Real People

Gone are the days where you didn't have to worry about going to jail if you threw a taco at a bitch's face. The other day in Deltona, FL, this 19-year-old douchebag threw a taco at his mom's face after she unplugged his Xbox. Yes, she got a face full of taco. It does sound like the plot of a sick ass porn movie.

Dena Moir told police that her son Zachary is a mega loser who doesn't have a job and plays Xbox every single waking minute. When she called his ass down for dinner, he refused, so she went upstairs and fucked up his life by unplugging his Xbox. That's when he followed her downstairs and bitch slapped her with a taco. Seriously, this sounds kind of sexy in a totally wrong way. Dena said, "I've been having trouble with him for awhile won't work, wont' go to school. He's being rude and disrespectful. Pushing things to the limit as far as the violence. I’ve threatened to call police before. But anyway this time, I thought he went too far so I called police and he's in jail now.”

Dena refuses to take his calls from jail and is trying to teach him a lesson. Damn. Bitch really didn't like getting taco slapped. Can't say I blame her. A couple of times in junior high school I experimented and let a bitch pound me in the mouth with her taco. I wanted to call 911 too.

And I hate to admit it, but even though Zach is a bag of dirty dildos, I'd still let him hit it with his taquito. As far as I know, he doesn't have a taco. And if he does, he can hit it with that too.

Don't you just love public humiliation when it doesn't happen to you? It's truly what makes the world go round.

This story about a bitch caught with his ski pants down comes to us from Vail, Colorado. The dude froze his ass off this past Friday when he was riding on a chairlift at a resort with his kid. The Smoking Gun says the lift's seat wasn't lowered, so the skier fell through a gap in the chair. Luckily for the dude, his ski got caught in the lift, saving him from falling into the snow. Actually, maybe it would have been less embarrassing for him if he fell and broke his arm or some shit, because while his body was stuck, his pants and chonies came down. And the world laughed while his peen tried to hold back the tears. It knew that if it cried, its mouth would freeze shut.

The accidental ski flasher hung (trust me, there's no pun there) there for 15-minutes while waiting for help. Workers finally reversed the lift and got him out of the seat. It took 15-minutes because they were too busy cleaning the piss off their pants from laughing so hard.

Getting a case of frostbitten dick, nuts and nalgas might be worth it, because you know this bitch is going to sue the pants (GONG!) off of the bitch responsible for this

TSG has one more picture taken by a witness. I would so be that bitch who took pictures while that sad man dangled pantyless from the sky. Say "icicle dick!"

Thanks Mary

There was a story a few years ago of a 93-year-old memaw in Lithuania who showed a burglar what's what by grabbing on his skin berries and refusing to let go until the cops came. That story inspired Memaw "Jennifer" of Portland, Oregon to do the same thing when some nekkid ass criminal broke into her house and threw her old ass onto a chair. When the man had Jennifer on the chair, she reached around and gave him a nut job he will never forget. Vadge's ball crushing vagina must be so proud.

Sadly, Memaw Jennifer didn't pop one of his testicles, because he broke free from her hand and got away. The cops later found the nekkid moron and arrested him. They probably followed his raccoon screeches from getting his jizz bags crushed.

The punchline in this story is that the naked dude's name is Michael Dick. Michael DICK! His dick is all he would have left if Memaw Jennifer got her way.

Above is Jennifer talking about her ordeal. I love what Jennifer screamed at Michael Dick, but I think she forgot a word. She obviously threw in the "cunt" word in there somewhere. It's the official curse word for hardcore memaws.

And I hope that when I become an old lady, my house looks like that too.

Thanks Hexie

I will admit that when I'm watching a movie in a theater and some dumb ass whore is yapping away like they are sitting in their damn living room, I think to myself, "Damn. I want to turn this straw into a shank and stab this bitch in the mouth!" Well, some dude in Philadelphia had even worse thoughts and carried that shit out!

29-year-old James Joseph Cialella was arrested after he shot a dude in the damn arm for running his mouth during a showing of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button in Philadelphia on Christmas Day. I think James Joseph Cialella just became an honorary Brangaloonie for busting a bitch during Brad's movie!

Police say that James asked a family sitting in front of him to shut their damn mouths during the movie. They didn't stop, so he threw popcorn at their asses. When that didn't shut their mouth holes, James got up and approached the family. James had words with the father, the argument got physical and that's when he pulled out a gat and shot the man in his arm. After James put a bullet in the father's arm, he sat back down and continued to watch the movie like nothing happened. The victim was taken to the hospital and James was arrested. He was charged with with attempted murder, aggravated assault and weapons violations.

DAMN! Hood rat stuff to the extreme. Over Benjamin Button? I mean, what the fuck? Maybe James has a strange fetish for Brad Pitt in old face. I could see beating a ho over Showgirls or Marley & Me (BURN!!!), but Benjamin Button?! I swear, some people should not be allowed to leave the comfort of their own padded room. James shouldn't even be allowed to carry a watergun anymore. Talk about over-fucking-reacting.

This also serves as a warning to me, because I'm one of those bitches who tells whores to shut their fat lips during movies. I've been known to throw in a "Eat your tongue, cunt!" or "Shut the fuck up" to bitches who are ruining my theater going experience. The next time I do that shit, I could get shot in the arm! That must suck, laying there with a bleeding arm, thinking that the last thing you'll ever see is Brad Pitt with pepaw face. Sad!

Source

When I grow up I want to be the church harlot! This 49-year-old from Jacksonville, FLA is living my dream. Rebecca HanCOCK was ran out of her local church because she's screwing a man she's not married to. Members of Grace Community Church kept harassing her for being a sinful harlot, so she finally left the church. That didn't stop things though! Rebecca received a letter from the pastor of the church, Dr. Christmas, that if she doesn't stop doing the "straight to hell mambo" with her boyfriend, her sins will be announced to the whole church! This sounds like my idea of a good time!

Rebecca said that Dr. Christmas' letter states that on "January 4, my sins will be told to the church, publicly, with my children sitting in the church and my friends." Everybody meet at Grace Church in Jacksonville on January 4th! Sins will be told. I'll provide the holywatertinis.

Rebecca is planning to send a letter to Dr. Christmas to let him know that she is no longer a member of his fun-hating-church. Oh and she should also mention to Dr. Christmas that she just told a local news station that she's blowing her boyfriend (can't you tell from her jaw), so she kind of beat him to the punch.

Real talk: Dr. Christmas asked Rebecca if she'd like to suck on his candy cane and she totally turned him down, so he's sentencing her to hell! I mean, his name is Dr. Christmas. Of course she's going to turn him down.

P.S. - If Rebecca doesn't have business cards printed up with "The Church Harlot" on it, then I'm going to be so mad at her.

VIA Videogum

The next time you decide to smell yo man's dick, because you think he's fucking around on you, come prepared with a helmet on your head and a taser gun in your hand. Smelling yo man's dick could be dangerous.

A chick in Port St. Lucie, FL suspected her husband of getting it on with another lady, so naturally, she asked to smell his dick area for strange pussy juice odors. The 37-year-old woman followed her husband to the bathroom and told him to whip his dick out "so that she can smell it."

Her 25-year-old husband was not amused, because when she went down to get a whiff, he punched her in the mouth and kicked at her body. After the bastard beat at her, he left the house. Police are currently searching his ass.

Um. I haven't personally smelled this asshole's dick, but I can guarantee you that he's cheating on her! If you ask to smell dick and he fists you in the mouth, he's guilty and no further tests are required.

And if the police really want to find this dumb bitch, they should just send out a few trained sniffer dogs to search for dried up snatch jelly and crusty jizz.

P.S. - If you want a less dangerous way of finding out if your man is effing up on you, just smell his dirty panties when he's in the shower. If they smell like DIAL (the trusted soap of most mistresses) or random genital juices, then you know the truth!

Source: TCPalm

(Thanks Melissa)

One of these things is not like the others: a man with his penis in a pasta sauce jar, porn, women's stockings, a home-made sex aid and a Jack Russell Terrier. Can you guess which one?

All of these things were found in the car belonging to a man named Keith Roy Weatherley of Newcastle, New South Wales.

It all started when the police approached 46-year-old Keith's car, because he was parked in a no-stopping zone. They found him fucking a pasta jar, basically. Instead of inviting the nice officers to a spaghetti with extra cheese dinner, Keith sped off. He led police on a 10-minute car chase before finally stopping.

Keith still refused to get out of the car, so the police used batons (sexy) and pepper spray on him. That shit was probably making that horny bitch creamier in the genital area, because he kept butt fucking the jar! I say "butt fucking," because I don't think pasta jars have vaginas. The police were finally able to get control of Keith and he was arrested.

He pleaded guilty to to offensive behavior, resisting police and disobeying a police direction. He was fined $600 and convicted of the other two offenses without further action taken. He told the judge that he was just trying to make himself decent for the officers.

I couldn't find a picture of Keith, but I'm going to assume he looks a lot like this.

Keith should also have to pay for the years and years of intense therapy that Jack Russell Terrier is going to need. He won't be able to look at a jar of Ragu the same way again!

And now I know why Spaghetti Cat prefers to eat his spaghetti WITHOUT the sauce.

Source

Thanks Shawn

Today on one of my favorite serious legal shows "Judge Alex" they had a case about something that is near and dear to me: eyebrows! Sharon Rivers (above) was suing Joy Tran for emotional distress for fucking up her eyebrows. Sharon paid Joy $180 to tattoo some "dreamy" eyebrows on her beautiful face. But Sharon claims Joy fucked it up by making them purple and lopsided.

I do not see a problem. This is the way all eyebrows should look. Sharon should empty out her checking account and give ever last cent to Miss Tran for turning her into the owner of two ravishing brows! I would get the same kind of eyebrows, but my face is not precious enough to carry off that look.

In the end, the sexy Judge Alex awarded Sharon $5000! Sharon needs to take that money and donate it to the "People in Need of Gorgeous Chola Eyebrows" fund! Judge Alex also denied Miss Tran's countersuit. Miss Tran sued Sharon for $900 for wasting her time. HA! Miss Tran is really fucking hot.

Below is a little clip of Sharon pleading her case to Judge Alex. My favorite part is when she says to the bailiff, "Would you go date me with eyebrows like this?" Um...I'm pretty sure that if she had a vagina over each eye, he still wouldn't go out with her. I'm joking! She's beautiful.

And I'm just reminding you that I'm hopped up on meds, so everything is fucking entertaining to me at this point.

A vicar waddled into an emergency room at a hospital in Sheffield, UK complaining about a potato in his ass. (Note: The spud pictured is not the dildo tater in question even though it looks like it has butt bits on it.) The vicar used the oldest excuse in the butt fucking manual: he fell on it.

The clergyman said he was hanging up some curtains in the nude when he accidentally fell on a potato lying on the kitchen table behind him. That damn potato! It was just laying there, in his way, all lubed up and ready to go!

One of the nurses told The Sun that he insisted he wasn't doing butt sex with the potato. The potato doesn't swing that way. The vicar kept telling the hospital that he was simply decorating his windows while naked. Being nekkid probably brings out the Martha Stewart in him.

I don't know why he had to go to the hospital for this shit. If he was doing his daily sphincter exercises, like everyone should, he could have easily mashed that potato with his ass. Then he would've had a delicious side dish of mashed taters and ass gravy!

Have you ever stared at a car wash vacuum cleaner and thought to yourself, "Damn. I want to stick that hose on my genitals and ride it like the dirty slut it is"? Yeah, me neither. But some 29-year-old dude from Michigan felt the urge to purge.....his load into a car wash vacuum hose.

Last Thursday, at around 6:45 in the morning, the police received a call about some suspicious nasty shit going down at a car wash in Thomas Township, Michigan. When officers drove up, they found a dude "receiving sexual favors from a vacuum." Basically, the dude's peen was down the hose's throat.

Maybe he was just cleaning the dick cheese off? It's a good thing the officers showed up when they did. I bet the dude was about to let the hose toss his salad. Bitch would've had had an orgasm, but he also would have lost an organ too.

The dude was arrested and is currently being held in the Saginaw County Jail. The dude's name hasn't been released. Wait. Was David Duchovny in Michigan recently?

You know, this is what pisses me off about some people. You think that you can just pop a quarter in a bitch and then have your way with it for 3-minutes? Have some decency! Do you think that car wash vacuum hose is your own personal whore? No, it's not. At least take that bitch to a fancy dinner at Red Lobster. Conversate with it a little. Get to know it better. Then take it back to your place, give it some sexy Victoria's Secret lingerie to wear, light some candles, play some Barry White, put a fresh bag in it and then seduce it to like a real gentleman should. Make it feel like the sensual dirt sucker it is.

I swear, some people have no class.

Source

Thanks BLB