Real People

52-year-old Maverna Theresa Turay of Bradenton, FL was arrested at her home yesterday because she poured a pot of boiling hot water on her husband's crotch area! Maybe she was in the mood for some hot dick?

Maverna told police that she thinks her husband has been cheating on her ass, so she busted a hot load on his groin while he slept. She also admitted that she had been boozing before the incident. Maverna didn't need to say that. Her glazed eyes already confirmed that little tidbit.

She was charged with aggravated domestic battery. Her husband is in fair condition at a local hospital.

Maverna didn't let a little thing called "getting arrested" get in the way of a hot mug shot. This is how you do it. Yes, Maverna knows that she's about to spend the night on the concrete floor of a jail cell, where prostitutes and junkies will probably try and sit on her face. She knows all of this, but she's going to smile for her mug shot like she means it.

Nothing says "I burned my husband's dick and I don't give an eff" like a smiley mug shot.

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Thanks Athina

Kory McFarren, the dude who left his girlfriend stuck on the toilet seat for a long ass time, has won the Kansas State Lottery! If you've been stuck a toilet seat yourself for the past few months and have no idea what I'm talking about, then click here, here and here to get updated. It's a sordid tale.

So... Kory cashed in his winning $2 Bonus Crossword ticket for $20,000 yesterday. Get this shit. This is the second time he's won the lottery in the past year. Kory's got lady luck stuck to his ass cheeks.

Who knows if Kory and Toilet Lady are still together. She was released from the hospital a few months ago after being stuck to a toilet seat for at least a month. Last I heard, Toilet Lady is living with some guardian and legally is only allowed to pee while squatting over the toilet. I'm joking about that last part.

In July, Kory was sentenced to six months probation after he pleaded no contest to being a dumb fuck for allowing his girlfriend to live in the bathroom for 2 years.

Kory should take that $20,000 and buy Toilet Lady a pair of shiny new ass cheeks. Then he should use the rest to buy a fucking clue.

Thanks Susan

A train station in India has a problem with a bunch of bitchy ass monkeys bothering their passengers, so they hired a man to dress as a monkey to scare them off. By the looks of the dude's uniform it looks like the only thing he's scaring off are the passengers. Couldn't they have given him a friendlier looking monkey costume?! He looks like some evil demon monkey! I bet his wife has a fucking heart attack every time he comes home.

He may look like a scary ass monkey to us, but he looks like a fool to the monkeys. You know those bitchy monkeys don't give a human's ass! They sit there, eating their bananas, scratching their red asses and laughing at the poor motherfucker crawling around like his back just went out. Those monkeys are thinking to themselves, "Ain't that a bitch!"

Click here if you can't watch the video above.

Thanks Vanessa

61-year-old Philip Seaton of Louisville, KY waltzed into an operating room last October to get a circumcision as part of treatment for a medical condition. When Philip woke up after surgery, his foreskin was missing alright, but so was the rest of his peen! The doctor straight-up cut off the dude's wang! The phrase "not right" was invented for this story.

Philip is suing Dr. John Patterson for chopping off his turtle friend without permission. He is also suing the anesthesiologist, Dr. Oliver James, because Philip claims he did not agree to general anesthesia. He is seeking peenitive...I mean...punitive damages against both doctors.

Dr. Patterson said he amputated Philip's willy after finding cancer. Philip's attorney said, "Sometimes you have an emergency and you have to do this, but he could very easily closed him up and said, 'Here are your options. You have cancer,' and the family would have said, 'We want a second opinion. This is a big deal.'" How big of a deal exactly?

This is what I think. The court should decide based on the size of the member. If it was 8.5 inches or more, these doctors should hand over their entire fortunes to Philip and spend the rest of their lives in jail. If it was 6 inches or less, well then.... You know what?! I take that back. Peen is peen! Did Dr. Patterson go to the Lorena Bobbitt School of Surgery?! You just don't treat dick that way! You wine and dine dick. You take it to the theater and buy it flowers. You don't fucking hack it off without getting a man's blessing first!

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Thanks SK

A woman in Pennsylvania thought she was petting a neighbor's beautiful and loving kitty cat, but it turns out she was actually giving affection to a skunk. She thought a skunk was a cat! This is some Pepe La Pew shit!

Instead of purring at her gentle touch, the skunk sprayed her ass and then ran into her house. HA. Wait. I just have to overstate the fact that the woman thought the skunk was a cat!

After the skunk pussy gifted her with its perfume, she called the police for help in getting it out of her house. She even admitted to them that she thought the skunk was a cat! I think I would've kept that little fact from them.

The cops spent hours trying to find the skunk. It's not known whether they ever found it. It's probably curled up on the lady's lap right now, eating cat treats out of her hand.

In her defense, it was just before dawn. I guess a skunk could sort of look like a cat in the dark......after you've fallen on your head.....from drinking too much booze.....and smoking too much crack.

I'm sure the woman has learned her lesson and won't go petting creatures in the dark. The coyote she accidentally mistakes for a sweet puppy might not be as nice as the skunk.

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33-year-old Wendy Brown of Green Bay, Wisconsin never graduated high school, so she somehow got the harebrained idea that she would get back the memories she never had by enrolling in Ashwaubenon High School as her 15-year-old daughter. This is what happens when a crazy bitch falls asleep while watching "Never Been Kissed." Josie Grossy is to blame.

Josie...I mean...Wendy used her daughter's ID to enroll in school and join the cheerleading squad. Before school started, Wendy showed up to cheerleading practices, bought a uniform, got her own locker and even went to a party at the coach's house. Give me a F-A-K-E-O-L-D-C-R-A-Z-Y-B-I-T-C-H! What's that spell?

A high school employee said that Wendy was a little shy and cried when talking about having to move from her school in Nevada. The employee said Wendy looked a little older than your average student, but she acted like a regular 15-year-old.

School officials started to get a little suspicious when Wendy stopped showing up to classes after the first day of school. The principal found out that Wendy's daughter was registered at a school in Nevada. When the principal called Wendy's mother, she said she has custody of the 15-year-old girl. Wendy's mom also said she has a history of stealing other bitch's identies.

Wendy's high school dreams were crushed when she was arrested for felony identity theft. Also, the check for $134.50 that Wendy used to buy her cheerloading (typo, but it says) uniform bounced.

Her bond was set at $8,000. She faces a $10,000 fine and six years in the chokey if convicted.

I don't blame Wendy for wanting to go back in time. Sometimes I wish I was back in grade school where life was easy. The most stressful thing was trying to dig for clay in the sandbox. Every other kid seemed to find clay except me. Sad.

And all those bitches who came in contact with Wendy need to go and get their eyeballs worked on. What in Andrea Zuckerman hell were these people looking at? In what world does a 15-year-old look like a middle-aged night shift clerk at Kum & Go?!

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Antonio Vasquez Jr.,the man who hit a dude in the face and head with his 8-inch pork sausage, has been released from jail! Antonio was arrested after he stole $900 from a house then attacked one dude with his sausage and rubbed spices in the face of another. Silent movie foolery!

FresnoBee reports that he's been released because there was not enough evidence to press charges. The 8-inch sausage in question was gobbled up by some slutty dog before the cops could get to it!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to travel to Fresno today for um....business...yeah...business reasons. Once I get there, I'm going to be really tired, so I'll have to take a nap on the front porch of a house. And I like the fresh smell of oranges when I nap, so the house will be near an orange orchard. I'll also be a little hungry when I wake up from my nap, so I'm going to leave a 10-inch pork sausage (yes, it's like that) on the kitchen counter. NOT in the fridge. I like my pork sausage at room temperature.

Did you get all of that, Antonio?

I thought I was the only dumb bitch who got the sudden urge to hit a ho with a vase while watching "Keeping Up with the Kardashians." It's good to know that I'm not alone.

46-year-old Naomi Masuda of Port St. Lucie, Florida was arrested after she attacked her boyfriend during an argument about Kim KardASSIAN's reality show.

Naomi's boyfriend was chilling out, watching his favorite reality show featuring the porn star with a fat ass, when Naomi freaked out and said he was “being disrespectful by watching the Kardashian show." She's right, he was disrespecting himself by watching that trash. And yes, I'm guilty of the same crime!

The two started arguing over his fascination with Kim and his fondness for porn. Naomi, being the crazy bitch that she is, then started throwing things at him, including a vase that hit him in the face and caused his nose to bleed. The dude also said Naomi damaged a bunch of his personal shit.

Cops described Naomi was being "highly intoxicated." She admitted to throwing a vase at him, but said it was an "accident." I love that shit. "Yes, I threw the vase at him. No, I didn't mean to. The vase just leaped out of my hands."

That excuse is almost as sad as the fact that Naomi got arrested because of Kim Kardashian's skanky ass! Oh Naomi. You and your gorgeous eyebrows deserve better.

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20-year-old Heidi Dalibor of Grafton, Wisconsin was arrested earlier this month over a couple of library books. No, she didn't stick them in her cooter in the middle of the library. She just forgot to turn them in before their due date.

Two cops came to Heidi's door and arrested her for not paying her overdue library fees, ignoring numerous phone calls and not showing up to court. They handcuffed her, took her down to the station and then fingerprinted and photographed her.

Isn't it a lovely mug shot? She looks so happy! She's probably thinking, "I better try and look cheer for this shit, because I know this is going to end up on The Smoking Gun."

Heidi's mother had to pay $172 to get her out of jail. Heidi also had to pay $30 for the two overdue paperbacks.

So what two books did Heidi go to jail for? Heidi checked out Janet Finch's "White Oleander" and Dan Brown's "Angels & Demons." Embarrassing! Although, if that was me, it would have been over a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book and "Dazzle" by Judith Krantz.

And books are dangerous! This is why I don't read books that often, because they get you into trouble!

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Thanks Madam Prince

The streets of Clifton, NJ are a little less safe today after cops arrested two vigilante ninjas who were trying to rid the area of drugs dealers. Cops found Tadieusz Tertkiewicz, 20, and Jesse Trojaniak, 19, sitting in their car, dressed like ninjas. The Detective Captain said they were "wearing tactical vests and armed with knives in sheaths at their waists along with Ninja throwing knives, Chinese throwing stars, four-pointed tacks, swords, bows and arrows." I'm sure all their weapons were plastic and can be found at your local Toys 'R Us.

The sad pair told cops they are known on the streets as The Shinobi Warriors. They were on their way to deliver menacing letters to drug dealers. One of the letters said that the “Shinobi will stop your cruel and sadistic intentions with justified yet, merciful force" and accused dealers and junkies of committing "sins of passing impurity." It's not known how many letters were left on the doors of drug dealers and users. The dudes said that if they were ever confronted by a dealer, they would use their awesome martial arts skills and weapons on them!

Oh and one of those threatening letters was delivered to Tadieusz's ex-girlfriend. A nerd with a broken heart is sad thing.

They were both charged with weapons possession. Tadieusz was also charged with harassment. He's still in jail on $20,000 bail. Jesse was released.

First of all, what do you expect from a dude who has a Vanilla Ice haircut. Second of all, this is exactly why video game nerds should never leave their parents' basement. There's a reason why they spend the rest of their lives playing video games, eating Hot Pockets and getting yelled at by their mom for leaving chunky skid mark stains on their chonies. When they enter the wild, shit like this happens!

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Thanks Marcia