Real People

48-year-old Arthur Craddock from New Zealand was sentenced to 75 hours of community service for using a phone for a fictitious purpose. The orchard worker called the police on February 11th to complain about being raped by a wombat. A wombat. A fucking wombat.

He quicky rang back and tried withdrawing his complaint about the wombat raping him. So it was consensual then? Arthur then told the police, "Apart from speaking Australian now, I'm pretty all right you know." That's the biggest understatement ever. You are NOT okay Arthur! You think a wombat raped Australian-talk into you.

The wombat fucked him so good that it had him screaming CRIKEY!!!

Arthur's lawyer claims he was not drunk on the afternoon of his call. He might not have been drunk, but bitch was definitely high.

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Thanks Pam

Kory McFarren is the boyfriend of the woman whose ass cheeks got stuck on the toilet seat after she sat on it for too long. Police think she sat there for over a month, but stayed in the bathroom for around 2 years. Kory was already charged with a misdemeanor count of mistreatment of a dependent adult for leaving his girlfriend on the pot.

Well, Kory is in trouble again. He was arrested on Sunday for allegedly showing his nasties to a teenage girl and her friends. 36-year-old Kory was taken to jail, but released the next day. No charges have been filed yet.

Where did toilet lady find this gem? He'll leave your ass cheeks to be eaten by the toilet and then he'll show his little dick off to young girls. Boyfriend of the millennium! I wouldn't doubt it if she found him from eHarmony.

And what about toilet lady, Pam Babcock? Family members of Pam told AP yesterday that she's in a lot of pain. DUH! Her ass cheeks got eaten off. Pam's aunt said she doesn't want visitors and she's only talked to her once for 10-minutes since the incident. Her aunt hasn't asked her why she never left the bathroom. They only talk about family memories and that sort of thing.

Officials have refused to comment on Pam's condition. Her aunt said she's had several medical procedures, "Her wounds are still serious. ... She is not out of the woods by any means. She is a very sick girl."

Pray for Pam! I light a match in my bathroom every day for her. Well, not exactly for her....

UPDATE: Thanks to Bonnie for sending me this video of Kory McFarren being interviewed by the AP. I've also updated the picture above with a picture of him. Not as creepy looking as I thought. What am I saying? He left his girlfriend's ass cheeks to die.

Thanks Tiff

Thomas Beatie is a transgender male and he's 22 weeks pregnant. Thomas still has a vagina, but he's legally male. He shares his life with his legal wife, Nancy. Thomas gave a first person account to the Advocate on how he came to be pregnant with a baby girl.

Thomas writes, "Ten years ago, when Nancy and I became a couple, the idea of us having a child was more dream than plan. I always wanted to have children. However, due to severe endometriosis 20 years ago, Nancy had to undergo a hysterectomy and is unable to carry a child. But after the success of our custom screen-printing business and a move from Hawaii to the Pacific Northwest two years ago, the timing finally seemed right. I stopped taking my bimonthly testosterone injections. It had been roughly eight years since I had my last menstrual cycle, so this wasn’t a decision that I took lightly. My body regulated itself after about four months, and I didn’t have to take any exogenous estrogen, progesterone, or fertility drugs to aid my pregnancy."

One year and many doctors later, Thomas got pregnant with triplets, but the pregnancy was ectopic. He eventually lost his embryos and his right fallopian tube. His second pregnancy has been a success and he's due on July 3, 2008.

He said that not many people in their community know about his pregnancy. He said they have "begun experiencing opposition from people who are upset by our situation. Doctors have discriminated against us, turning us away due to their religious beliefs. Health care professionals have refused to call me by a male pronoun or recognize Nancy as my wife. Receptionists have laughed at us. Friends and family have been unsupportive; most of Nancy’s family doesn’t even know I’m transgender."

This is pretty awesome and I wish them well! They want a family and they are doing whatever it takes to get one. You can't blame them for that. Whatever works! He also makes a pretty hot pregnant dude.

I wish I could get knocked up. That would be the best. I could get as fat as I wanted, fart whenever, sleep all day, bitch at everyone and proudly eat strange shit like fries in ice cream. Ok, I do all that shit now, but at least I would have a good reason!

Visit the Advocate to read the entire article

Image VIA Towleroad

Thanks m.e.

Meet the two latest skanks that will be joining us on our bus ride to Hell. 24-year-old Crystal Rowland and 28-year-old Matthew Pearce were arrested in Sanderson, FLA (It's always Forida!) for fucking in church.

Police received a call about a suspicious outside the Mount Zion Primitive Baptist Church. When they entered the church they found Crystal behind the altar. They later found Matthew practically naked underneath the church. Cops also found red wax splattered all over the altar. They suspected the two sluts had moved the candles from inside the church.

When police asked Crystal why they were fucking in church, she said they wanted a "spiritual and sexual experience." Somebody needs to tell that bitch that screaming "Oh God" while getting it in church is far from a spiritual experience.

The two were charged with criminal mischief and burglary. Matthew is also a registered sex offender. Lovely.

The quotes from the Deacon of the church are the best! Deacon Lonzie Altman said, "Her drawers were in the stands. Her brazier was over on the outside the stands. I don't know what has become of the people that somebody would just do something like that in a church. Don't think that the lord ain't got something for them." Drawers! Braziers! Deacon Lonzie obviously doesn't know about a little thing called meth. It screws up your brains and makes you do ungodly things!

I'm pretty sure the lord has nothing to say to them. How is he going to look them in the eye without laughing. He's seen their nasty business!

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Above is the home of Kory McFarren, the man who told police that his girlfriend had spent the past two years sitting on his toilet. 37-year-old Kory was charged on Monday with mistreatment of a dependent adult. They also should have charged him for being a brain dead fuck!

Kory called police last month and said something was wrong with his girlfriend. When they arrived they found 35-year-old Pam Babcock stuck to the toilet. Her ass cheeks had become one with the seat. I mean, they hugged the seat and would not let go. They think she was there for about a month. She apparently had not left the bathroom for 2 years.

Kory told the Associated Press (via CNN), "The only thing I am guilty of is I didn't get her help sooner." His first court date has been scheduled for April.

Doctors say that an infection in Pam's legs damaged her nerves and could leave her in a wheelchair. She's still in the hospital. But what about her ass cheeks! Please tell me they were able to save those. How much do you want to make a bet that her toilet seat ends up on eBay?

No wonder Pam never left the bathroom. It was probably the nicest room in Kory's trailer.

Thanks Sharon

A German woman went into the hospital thinking she was going to get an operation on her leg. Instead she woke up out of surgery with a new anus. And her leg was still fucked up! The dumb bitches at the hospital mixed her up with another woman who suffered from incontinence and was to have surgery on her sphincter. The medical clinic in Bavaria has since suspended the entire surgical team.

The woman still needs surgery on her leg and she is planning on suing the hospital. Hey, but she has a new asshole. It can't be all that bad. I didn't know they were just giving out new assholes like that! Where do I sign up? Mine is a little rusty.

I also couldn't find a picture of the woman, so I decided to use this picture of Lisa Rinna. Her mouth looks like an asshole, so it makes sense.

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Thanks Thomas

Unfortunately, there's no pictures to go with this amazing story, so I'm using a pussy on a pot. It makes sense if you think about. Police in Kansas were shocked to find a 35-year-old woman stuck to her boyfriend's toilet. The woman wasn't glued or tied to the seat. She had been there for 2 years and her skin had grown around the seat. She refused help, but after a little convincing she agreed. They had to pry the seat off and send it with her to the hospital. And I thought it was embarrassing showing up with a bottle up your ass. Imagine showing up with a toilet seat stuck to your butt? I hope it was a pretty color and nothing super tacky like a beach scene. Imagine! Extra embarrassing.

They found the woman kind of out of it and her legs looked like they were wasting away. They weren't sure if she suffered from any sort of mental or physical disability. I can tell you. The bitch has mental problems. There, I saved you the doctor fees.

Police are considering pressing charges against her 36-year-old boyfriend. He told police that every day he would bring her food and ask if she wanted to come out of the bathroom. Her response would be, "Maybe tomorrow." Of course she's not going to say yes, because her fucking ass skin has become one with the seat. It's not like she can just pourette off the seat!

The boyfriend finally called the police after 2 years and said "there was something wrong with his girlfriend." YES! Her fucking ass cheeks were eaten by the toilet seat. Does he not understand this?! I would cry a million tears if I lost my ass cheeks.

The idiot wouldn't explain why it took him so long to call. Maybe the telephone was in the toilet?

Police have not released their names. I don't care about their names, I want pictures. The paparazzi need to change their focus. Instead of giving us 10 million pictures of Vanessa Hudgens, they need to get us this shit.

I'm never going to be able to look at my toilet seat again. I'm going to have to hold on to the walls and perform some Cirque du Soleil moves while I take a dump. There's no way I'm letting my cheeks near that toilet seat.

Poor lady, her life was in the crapper. Literally!

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Thanks Jenna & Willski

25-year-old Ricardo Jose Faulk turned himself into police after he was accused of jacking off in a Clackamas, Orgeon Target store and throwing his load on a woman. What's worse is the woman's 3-year-old was with her at the time of the "shooting." The woman immediately noticed the hot jizz on her leg and immediately went to security. Ricardo quickly left the store, but turned himself in after he learned police were looking for him. He was charged with misdemeanor harassment and later released. He was also tested for STDs.

Typical! Men are all the same. They blow their hot load all over you and then they are out the door. Rude. Target is honestly the best. This would never happen at Wal-Mart. Well, someone might poop on your foot at Wal-Mart, but sperm would not be involved. Target is sexy. Expect a load, pay less.

I'm afraid that's a daily occurence in the big city. My sister once saw a homeless dude jack off for a good 10-minutes on the subway. He blew his load all over the seat next to him. I think what's more disturbing is that my sister sat there and watched the whole thing. SLUT!

Thanks Neveen

Meet 29-year-old Tiffany Vance of Indiana. The gorgeous Tiffany and her boyfriend, Christopher Egnatz, decided to have a romantic and elegant dinner at the famed Applebee's restaurant in Schererville, Indiana on Tuesday night. They were having such a lovely time and their evening was almost coming to an end when Tiffany started screaming at the top of her lungs. Their waitress quickly rushed over to them and Tiffany said she found worms in her salad.

The restaurant apologized and the couple left without paying their $57 bill. Applebee's might have been ok with that, but there was one problem. Tiffany, being the Mense member she is, left her purse at the table. The waitress went through her purse to find contact information and guess what she came upon? The waitress found a container of maggot-like bee-moth larvae.

The police were called and Tiffany and Christopher were later arrested.

Tiffany thinks she's slick. She's been watching Victor/Victoria way too many times. Don't get me wrong. I've thought about it. In the movie Julie Andrews brings a cockroach to a restaurant and slips it in during her final course to get her meal for free.

That's what Tiffany gets for trying to mess with Applebee's! That shit is delicious and should not be toyed with.

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Thanks Vella

You know how I love a sexy mugshot. Meet 20-year-old Jennifer Stroth from Denver, Colorado. Jennifer was arrested for allegedly stabbing her 72-year-old male lover on February 1st and then again on February 16th. Yes, her 72-year-old lover. Jenny loves the pepaws.

I'm trying to figure out what she's saying in her mugshot. She's probably telling the officer, "I will suck yo dick if you let me go."

She's like Bo Derek in 10. Too bad she's about a 1 1/2. And just in case you don't know this already, meth kills faces.

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Thanks Kirsten