Mad Men

I've put this attack of the clones comparison after the jump, because it has a huge spoiler in it. So if you haven't seen any of the new season of Mad Men, put your eyes on this GIF compilation of Joan's best nothavingyourshit moments from Sunday's episode (no spoilers, I think). For the rest of you, GO! 

You are not among the living if you don't immediately start searching for any signs of the Hamm steak as soon as you see a picture of its owner Jon Hamm. It's a natural reaction. Just like knuckling yourself in the eyeball is a natural reaction to seeing the name "Kardashian." You just knuckled yourself in the eyeball, right? If only you could put the Hamm steak on it to stop the swelling.

The cock-blocking executives at AMC must've told Jon Hamm to shove his crotch beast in a bowl of ice before sticking it between his ass cheeks and holding it down with metal chains, because it did not make a grand appearance at last night's season 6 premiere of Mad Men. Those bitches at AMC just don't appreciate what they have, because they should've rolled out the red carpet for Jon Hamm's big dick. Hell, they should've rolled Jon Hamm's big dick out and used it as the red carpet.

Except for the little girl, mostly everybody looked like hell last night. Christina Hendricks covered up her magnificent chichis and dressed like an 85-year-old Italian widow. January Jones looked like a sad Popsicle. And Vincent Kartheiser's guinea pig comb over is just dreadful. I'm assuming that they all looked like shit on purpose, because they wanted all of the attention to go to the true star of the show, the Hammaconda. And it didn't even show up. It's a sad day for us all and AMC can eat some cold ass in hell for that.

Anyway, here's a few pictures from last night's Hammaconda-less Mad Men premiere party. In order: Jon Hamm with Jennifer Westfeldt, John Slattery, Vincent Kartheiser, Kiernan Shipka, Alison Brie, Christina Hendricks, January Jones, Jessica Pare, Teyonah Parris and Ben Feldman.

Bad news for those of you who were hoping that an anvil fell on Megan's head and she moved to Kansas to milk goats, because she got a case of amnesia and suddenly thought she was a farmer's wife. That didn't happen. Megan is back (and is looking like Lana Del Rey), so prepare your eyeballs for rolling. I see Megan leaning over Don Draper and whispering,  "Yes, honey, the drip is back," at him as he tries his hardest to control the explosive diarrhea that wants to shoot out of his ass. Megan has that effect on a ho.

Mad Men is back on April 7th and AMC pushed out these season 6 promo pictures that aren't awkward at all. They all look like me when I went to this sober dude's party and he refused to let anybody drink or bring booze into his apartment. We all tried snorting soda water through straws, thinking that the bubbles might take our heads higher, but it didn't work.

Anyway, Megan is back, Skinny Betty is back and Peggy's Peter Pan collars are back! I would spend my time wondering what in ten shades of satin hell is that on Christina Hendricks' body, but I'm too busy feeling sad over the fact that there's zero appearances from the Hammaconda in these pictures. AMC needs better marketing people who understand that the Hammaconda should be getting top billing now.

So when Jon Hamm goes to Hawaii, does he become Jon Spamm? (Yes, I'll GONG myself since I know your hands are busy right now.)

Jon Hamm's triple decker dick has a cock lei of jasmine on and is lying on a lounge chair on the beach in Maui while sipping a Mai Tai, because Jon Hamm and Jessica Pare are in Hawaii right now shooting seasons for the next season of Mad Men. The truth is, these pictures really ain't shit since they've tucked the Hammaconda and held it down using industrial-strength tape so we can't really see it. But at least Jon Hamm is showing off the extra fluffy muff on his chest and you know his thigh high tan lines make him look real sexy.

Tell your nipples to stop screaming about the fact that there's not one drop of Don Draper in the picture above. There's ginger, silver, chichis and George Costanza. What more do you want? So stick a sock in your nipple holes! Tiny ant socks, of course, and not human socks. If you're able to fit human socks in your nipple holes, you should really be sitting on a bed in the ER and not reading this. Unless you are reading this on an ER bed.... If that's the case, carry on!

Earlier this week, AMC scratched the itch on Mad Men fans when they announced that there will be a season 5, but new episodes won't air until a year from now. At the time, the show's creator Matthew Weiner (pictured above with Christina Hendricks and John Slattery) was having it out in a oil wrestling match with AMC over three things: product placement, firing two regulars and chopping 2 minutes off of each show to make way for more commercials. AMC and Weiner have both budged and have come to an agreement.

Weiner has signed on for 2 more seasons and is pretty much on board for a third and final season. Weiner has agreed to cut 2 minutes off of 11 out of 13 episodes (episodes on Video on Demand and DVD will feature the extra 2 minutes) and none of the regulars will be sent to the unemployment office. So your fantasy of Betty Draper dying a painful death while testing a brand new luxury product called a garbage disposal will not come true. Betty Draper will terrorize you for two more seasons.

Weiner said this in a statement to E! News:

"I want to thank all of our wonderful fans for their support. I also want to thank AMC and Lionsgate for agreeing to support the artistic freedom of myself, the cast and the crew so that we can continue to make the show exactly as we have from the beginning. I'm excited to get started on the next chapter of our story."

Does three more seasons mean that Draper & company will see the 70s? If so, when are we going to get a Mad Men/Partridge Family crossover episode? You know Shirley Partridge could hump the scotch out of Don Draper and really give him something to cry about.

AMC announced today that Mad Men's fifth season has been pushed into early 2012 and there's a chance the show's creator Matthew Weiner might not be the one pulling at Betty and Don's strings anymore. In a conference room in L.A. somewhere, AMC and Matthew both have their pants around their ankles and are dick fighting over three things. AMC will pay Matthew $30 million over a 2 year period if he agrees to whore our products in each episode, fire or demote two regular cast members and cut two minutes off of each show to make way for more commercials. Product placement? You know, this isn't such an awfully whorey idea, because I really want to see Betty Draper reenact this classic scene:

Deadline Hollywood says that Matthew is prepared to wok (Wanchai Ferry product placement alert) if AMC doesn't drop the cheap fuck act. You know, I have a solution! AMC can save money by: a) stripping a few millions off of Matthew's insane $30 million salary and b) stripping the clothes off certain characters since that's what most of us are doing with our eyes anyway. Re-title it NUDE MEN and we're off!

But Mad Men has to come back, because if it doesn't AMC will play even more "classic films" like 1990's Back to the Future Part III. Way to make me feel like I'm standing next to the O in OLD. At least with Mad Men, I can tell myself, "HAHAHA! That's silly old timey stuff that I never lived." But when I see Back to the Future Part III on AMC, I am reminded about how I watched it for the first time on opening night in the theaters. And a theater that didn't have stadium seating. No, stadium seating didn't always exist. Nuts, I know.