Angelina Jolie

In Angie Jolie's op-ed piece for The New York Times (which has already won two Pulitzers and has been re-published in every esteemed medical journal in the world, thankyouverymuch), she writes that doctors told her she has also a 50% chance of getting ovarian cancer. Angie's mother Marcheline Bertrand died of ovarian cancer in 2007. Angie wrote that she had a preventative double mastectomy first, because it's a more complicated surgery and her chances of getting breast cancer are higher. People says in their current issue that Angie is also going to get her ovaries removed.

Every tabloid editor just choked out an intern, because they just lost 30% of their covers. There goes their semi-monthly "Brad Storms Out After Angelina Reveals Surprise Pregnancy!" cover. They shouldn't worry, though. I'm sure that deep in the bowels of Chateau de Brangelina is a giant freezer room where thousands upon thousands of Angie's eggs are stored. So the world will be blessed with a million more chosen ones....unless Brad Pitt gets six degrees of stoned one night, stumbles in there and eats all the eggs with hot sauce. That is extremely possible.

And speaking of Brad, he had more things to say about Angie's mastectomy. Brad said this to USA Today:

"I'm quite emotional about it, of course. She could have stayed absolutely private about it and I don't think anyone would have been none the wiser with such good results. But it was really important to her to share the story and that others would understand it doesn't have to be a scary thing. In fact, it can be an empowering thing, and something that makes you stronger and us stronger."

And Jon Voight, who found out when you found out, also had some shit to say:

“My love and admiration for my daughter can't be explained in words. I saw her two days ago with my son Jamie. We all got together for his birthday, with her and Brad (Pitt). But I didn't know. It wasn't obvious at all. I found out (Tuesday) morning. I was as surprised as anyone and deeply moved by the way she’s handled this. She’s a very extraordinary person, the way she examined it and what she shared.”

And so did my favorite Voight child, James Haven:

"My sister like our mother always put her children first. I am so grateful to be her brother."

And because why not, Brad Pitt's mother (who supposedly has "TEAM ANISTON FOREVER, VATO!" tattooed on her chest) also released a statement of words:

"We're so very proud of Angie, this means so much to our family especially our grandchildren. We love her dearly."

I'm sure that later today we'll also get statements from Billy Bob Thornton, Jonny Lee Miller, Jenny Shimizu, her kindergarten teacher, her Gia co-star Kylie Travis, James Haven's taint waxer, Maddox's personal secretary and Dina Lohan (because she has nothing better to do than get drunk and write statements).

Just a few hours after St. Angie Jo's op-ed piece for The New York Times filled up everybody's Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and life feeds, Brad Pitt released his own statement to The London Evening Standard.

As Chelsea Handler's forehead vein explodes while she tries to figure out what in the fuck she's going to say about this, Brad Pitt released this statement of words. It's best if you read it in his Chanel No. 5 voice, especially the "absolutely heroic" part.

“Having witnessed this decision firsthand, I find Angie’s choice, as well as so many others like her, absolutely heroic. I thank our medical team for their care and focus. All I want for is for her to have a long and healthy life, with myself and our children. This is a happy day for our family.”

But isn't almost every day a happy day for Brad Pitt? He has millions of dollars, a cellar full of the finest good shit, locks full of grease that can double as peen lube, is always in the presence of Zahara's signature up-eye and he's usually stoned to infinity and beyond. So it's an EXTRA happy day.

In an op-ed piece for The New York Times, Angelina Jolie writes that she had a double mastectomy after finding out that she had the gene, BRCA1, which increases her risk of getting breast cancer. Doctors told Angie Jolie that she had an 87 percent chance of getting breast cancer and a 50 percent chance of getting ovarian cancer. So a little over three months ago, she underwent the first of many medical procedures, including getting reconstructive implants, and her double mastectomy was completed on April 27. Angie's chances of getting breast cancer have gone from 87 percent to 5 percent. And she did it all without the media finding out. In every tabloid office right now, the editor is firing every damn reporter for not finding this out first.

Angelina's mother Marcheline Bertrand died of ovarian cancer and she writes that although some of her child army got a chance to meet their grandmother, they'll never get to know her. So Angie Jolie had the double mastectomy so she can tell the child army that they don't have to worry about losing her to breast cancer. Angie writes about how she made the decision to get a double mastectomy:

Only a fraction of breast cancers result from an inherited gene mutation. Those with a defect in BRCA1 have a 65 percent risk of getting it, on average.

Once I knew that this was my reality, I decided to be proactive and to minimize the risk as much I could. I made a decision to have a preventive double mastectomy. I started with the breasts, as my risk of breast cancer is higher than my risk of ovarian cancer, and the surgery is more complex.

On April 27, I finished the three months of medical procedures that the mastectomies involved. During that time I have been able to keep this private and to carry on with my work.

Angie then writes that she decided to go public with her decision to help other women and she's lucky she has Brad Pitt to support her. What she means by that is that Brad Pitt supplied her with some seriously potent chronic while she was healing.

I wanted to write this to tell other women that the decision to have a mastectomy was not easy. But it is one I am very happy that I made. My chances of developing breast cancer have dropped from 87 percent to under 5 percent. I can tell my children that they don’t need to fear they will lose me to breast cancer.

It is reassuring that they see nothing that makes them uncomfortable. They can see my small scars and that’s it. Everything else is just Mommy, the same as she always was. And they know that I love them and will do anything to be with them as long as I can. On a personal note, I do not feel any less of a woman. I feel empowered that I made a strong choice that in no way diminishes my femininity.

I am fortunate to have a partner, Brad Pitt, who is so loving and supportive. So to anyone who has a wife or girlfriend going through this, know that you are a very important part of the transition. Brad was at the Pink Lotus Breast Center, where I was treated, for every minute of the surgeries. We managed to find moments to laugh together. We knew this was the right thing to do for our family and that it would bring us closer. And it has.

For any woman reading this, I hope it helps you to know you have options. I want to encourage every woman, especially if you have a family history of breast or ovarian cancer, to seek out the information and medical experts who can help you through this aspect of your life, and to make your own informed choices.

And now she's officially, officially a saint!

MTV got Brad Pitt to the MTV Movie Awards last night by leaving a trail of weed buds from his front door to the Sony Pictures Studio in Los Angeles and they got him to present the last award by giving him a giant bowl of Taco Bell meat and Funyuns stew. Brad Pitt showed up to the MTV Movie Awards looking so damn stoned that I bet if you sucked his mouth while plugging his ear holes with your fingers, you'd breathe in a huge cloud of weed smoke. Dude is a human bong.

Brad pulled his greasy locks into a ponytail and I know I'm supposed to hate it, but I don't. I can't hate it, because bitch has lunch lady hair. Lunch lady hair is the look. If you threw a hairnet over his head, he'd look like he should be throwing down a greasy slice of square pizza on your pastel green lunch tray.

Brad Pitt also has the same hairstyle as this cholo grandpa who would ride around my cousin's neighborhood on a little boy's bicycle and he'd sing oldies at the top of his lungs. Brad Pitt's cholo grandpa look would be complete if he wore a clear shower cap, a gold cross necklace and had some kind of neck tattoo.

So what I'm saying is that Brad Pitt's lunch lady/cholo grandpa hair IS the look.

And here's also some pictures of St. Angie and an emo-ized Maddox at LAX.

OctoMom's local marijuana dispensary must've raised their prices, because bitch is hustling hard (not really) for another quick check and her hustle game led her to posing as Oscar Angie and Tomb Raider Angie for InTouch Weekly. InTouch would've totally nailed this Octo as Angie photo shoot (not really, the sequel) if they Photoshopped Angie's bulging vein of doom onto Octo's endless forehead and replaced the deadness in Octo's eyes with a twinkle that says, "Bring me your ripest virgin."

Because you care, InTouch asked Octo what she does on a daily basis and she lied and said "a lot!" instead of saying "drink myself into a coma in the utility closet."

“I do a lot! I’m a cook, a chauffeur and a nanny! [I spend] a couple hundred dollars a week on groceries. I do several loads [of laundry] every day — there’s always clothes in my washer.”

Your mind is throbbing from how fascinating this is, I know. And what does Octo think about Angie?

“I admire her. She saves children’s lives. I get that we both have a lot of kids, but I don’t think I look anything like her.”

Octo isn't giving herself enough credit. If you took Angie and filled her with helium, more craziness and desperation, she'd look just like Octo. And yes, Angie saves children's lives, I guess, but when is she going to save the lives of the OctoKids? Because I'm sure that while Octo was talking to InTouch, a few of the OctoKids were hitchhiking back home after she accidentally left them in the grocery store parking lot.

Don't you just hate that moment when you accidentally step on Angelina Jolie's warlock gown and you look down at her claw of doom, knowing that's going to be the last thing you ever see before she wraps her mouth around your face and sucks your soul out, turning you into dust? It's the worst. It'll ruin your day. Shit, it'll ruin your life.

While dressed like the Queen of Istari, Angie was in NYC last night to speak at the 2013 Women in the World Gala and to honor 15-year-old Pakistani education activist Malala Yousafzai. Malala is the teenage girl who got shot in the head by the Taliban for fighting for equal-opportunity education in Pakistan. Here's a piece of what Angie said (via The Daily Beast):

"There's a lot you can learn from this little girl. This evening is the beginning. Vital Voices, Women in the World and I started the Malala Fund. It's not a fund in her name, it's hers and she'll be in charge of it. So we believe this is a modest beginning for a big dream and we hope that you will join us. The Taliban shot her at point-bank range in the head, and made her stronger. In a brutal attempt to silence her voice, it grew louder."

Angie donated $200,000 to the Malala Fund.

And after St. Angie spoke, she dramatically raised her cape, covered her body with it and disappeared in a cloud of smoke. She had to go and fight off the knights trying to invade her fortress. Yeah, I'm pretty sure Maleficent is going to be a documentary.

Surprisingly enough, all the Supreme Court Justices didn't stop the Prop 8 hearings yesterday to announce that after much consideration, they've decided to overturn Prop 8 and also make marriage legal for everyone everywhere, because when it came down to it they realized that they really, really just want to see Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get married. But that didn't happen, so Brad and St. Angie are still the opposite of married.

St. Angie graced the Congo with her holy presence a few days ago and when she got there, she wasn't wearing the huge 5,000-carat diamond engagement ring that is so damn expensive she could probably buy the entire Congo with it. Instead, St. Angie wore a demure gold wedding band, which made some hos start screaming about how she must've gotten secret married to Brad Pitt. But no, she didn't. St. Angie left her Fortress of Solitude-sized ring at home, because wearing a diamond ring that big in the Congo is wrong for many reasons and because wearing a wedding band will get her a tabloid cover or two.

While serving up some "2008 Michael Jackson meets business woman Morticia Addams" realness, Angie strolled through LAX yesterday and a mere mortal from TMZ dared asked the human halo of infinite light if she got married. She spat out a "no." Then when he turned off the camera, she turned around, wrapped her zombie witch hands around his neck and swallowed his soul until all that was left of him was a pile of bone dust. That settles that!

It's always a sad day when a member of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Forehead Vein goes after a fellow member.

In 2010, Jennifer Aniston's partner in boozing Chelsea Handler said this about Angie Jolie during her stand-up act in New Jersey: “She's a home wrecker, she is. She can rescue as many babies from as many countries as she wants to. I don’t fucking believe you. She gives interviews, ‘I don’t have a lot of female friends.’ Cause you’re a fucking cunt … you’re a fucking bitch.”

In the same year, Chelsea said this about Angie Jolie during an interview with Katie Couric for Glamour: "Yeah, I'm not a fan hers. She just doesn't come off to me as a sincere woman. She seems like a woman that you'd really want to avoid. [Jennifer Aniston] makes me laugh. She's irreverent and hilarious, and she sends me really, really funny e-mails."

In 2012, Chelsea Handler said this about Angie Jolie when More asked her what her idea of a non-girl's girl is: “Probably Angelina Jolie . . . She [Jolie] doesn’t strike me as someone I would have a close friendship with.”

And on Watch What Happens Live last night, Chelsea kept stabbing at Angie's forehead vein with her own forehead vein when she said this to Andy Cohen:

"She seems like a demon. It has nothing to do with Jennifer. As a woman, I know when you see somebody walking across the room that's a bad girl. I just don't like Angelina Jolie. I don't think she's a girl's girl. I like girl's girls!"

How in the hell can drunk ass Chelsea see anything across the room when the room keeps spinning? What really impresses me about this is that Chelsea keeps coming for St. Angie time and time again and nothing happens to her. Angie's godfather God hasn't struck her down, the head of a grey goose hasn't shown up in her bed and she hasn't ripped her eyes out from reading all the insane rants the Brangeloonies send her. I guess sunning your skin until it turns into salmon leather and guzzling down more vodka than any given Lohan really does make you invincible!

via UsWeekly

As JLo pulled the fame whoring leg move at the Grammys, the fame whoring leg move's original creator Angie Jolie was at a different awards show and her fame whoring leg had the night off. Angie Jolie shocked everyone by wearing another grey dress to give a lifetime achievement award to Dean Semler, the director of photography on In the Land of Blood and Honey, at the Society of Cinematographers Outstanding Achievement Awards in Hollywood last night. Angie Jo looked cold, tired, malnourished and her cheeks looked like two plastic nutsacks slipping off of her face, but you too would look like a living advertisement for The Walking Dead if you spent your days keeping the child army in check, running after virgins to suck the youth out of and rolling your eyes at the amazing furniture designs that Brad Pitt sketched while high on the good shit.

I was going to say that Angie should be the new pope, but that would be a demotion. If God is one of the CEOs of all things holy, then the pope is the assistant night manager IF THAT. It's totally beneath St. Angie.

Dlisted's BABIES!!! tag has been overworked lately, so let's just overwork it all the way. No 15 minute bong break for you, BABIES!!! tag.

If the tabloids aren't saying that Brad Pitt and St. Angie lied to us all by getting married when all gay people can't get married yet, they're saying that they broke up and if they're not saying that they broke up, then they're saying that they're one fetus closer to taking down the Duggars. This week, Star Magazine is going with the last one.

It's been over 4 years since a fetus has moved into the holy baby rectory in St. Angie Jo's body, and now some source (aka Maddox and Zahara cranking again) told Star (via Hollywood Life) that she has dusted off her uterus and pulled the white sheets off of the furniture, because she is knocked up again. The source says that Angie has been waiting a long time to add a 7th member to their child army, but Brad wasn't having it, because the last thing he wanted was another child yanking on his greasy mop while he's trying to have a quiet and intimate moment with his Vaporizer. But the source says that whether Brad likes it or not, another chosen one will land on earth soon. Brad is apparently telling his friends that they're having another boy:

“Angelina has been talking about having another child for years now. But Brad kept putting his foot down because of their intense schedules and chaotic lifestyle. She’s focusing on the other children right now, trying to prepare them for the new baby. Shiloh has even determined that the baby’s name must be John."

The source had me until the "John" part. Like Shiloh is really going to give up the name she gave to herself. The new kid's going to have to win that name in a rubber knife fight against Shiloh. Besides, if Angie is eating for one now and if she's having a boy, I hope he comes out Asian and I hope they do the right thing by giving him a name that ends with X (examples: Twix, FedEx, Zerofux, Anthrax, etc...). That way Pax, Maddox and the new baby X can start an Asian boy band in the far future and call it The Triple X.