Mariah Carey

Happeh Fridaaaaay. If you need a good reason to fall back into a coma, just click play above. It's Mimi's cover of Foreigner's "I Want To Know What Love Is" off of her new album Memoirs of a Hello Kitty Fucker.

Okay, we all know Mimi loves to rub her Hello Tittays all over 80s power ballads (i.e. "Take a Look At Me Now," "Open Arms," and "Against All Odds"), but this made my ear drums pass out and my eyelids hit my cheeks (I'm writing this with my braille keyboard).

And apparently, this is Mimi's single! Expect this song to be the cause of 99% of all traffic accidents. As soon as this Ambien serenade comes on the radio, hos will fall into a deep slumber. While they are skipping through the butterfly butt fuck clouds, their cars will be careening off the road! So if you want to listen to this song while driving, you better snort a strong upper beforehand.

That being said, I really can't wait to see Mimi's horny ass frolicking in a bikini in the video for this shit.

Photoshop Lifetime Achievement Award winner Mimi is at it again! This is the ad for her newest rainbow jizz in a bottle called Forever. It should've been called Forever Photoshopped.

The fact that she's Photoshopped to Hello Kitty heaven and back isn't the main problem here. The main issue is THAT POSE. Who told the Butterfly Priestess this looked hot? Mimi looks like she's trying so hard to push out a stubborn doody bubble that she's gone cockeyed. Bitch has got fart eyes.

I mean, who wants to smell like one of Mimi's butt queefs? Well, maybe Nick Cannon...and Eminem. Definitely Eminem.

VIA People

You know that rainbow butterfly sugarshake called "Obsessed" that Mimi put out (it's okay if you already forgot about it)? The story goes that the song is about Eminem, but Mimi shook her head "no" when asked about it (SPOILER ALERT: She was lying). Well, Eminem is not just going to sit around eating ham and donut sandwiches and let her do him like. No, Eminem squeezed his ass cheeks together and put out a response that is giving me the hard shits.

Eminem is serious! Dude even chirps that he has some pictures which proves they bumped tittays in the dead of night. Release that shit to the masses! But make sure you pass them through Mimi's personal Photoshop team first.

You know, this shit sounds like every voicemail I left for my ex-boyfriends after they dumped my ass! I'm pretty sure I've used the line "Like I'm gonna sit and fight with you over some slut bitch cunt" at least a dozen times."

And I hope that when Mimi finally gets off from the floor after blacking out from listening to this, she gits him back! The other kids in the playground are waiting!

VIA RapRadar

The video for "Obsessed" is pretty standard for Mimi. You know, she's rolling around all horny-like, sexing up a blow dryer and jiggling her Hello Titties everywhere. It's what we've come to expect from the Butterfly Queef Princess and she hasn't let us down.

This is also the video where Mimi dresses up like an Eminem-type who stalks her ass and has a room only devoted to her. I think it's pretty safe to say that the "Mimi Room" in the video is an actual room in her house. It's right next to her Sanrio room.

And after watching this video, methinks the only one "obsessed" with Mimi is Mimi. TWIST!

Note: No, you are not going crazy (this time). This shit isn't synched-up right.

If you answered "yes," then I hope you like a pair of luscious Hello Titties in your mouth, because this isn't some dude who will hit it from the back with his Timbs on. This is really the butterfly stalker herself....MIMI!!!

Mimi is dragging it up as an Eminem-type for her new video Obsessed. You know, because Eminem is obsessed with Mimi. Or maybe she's obsessed with him. Or both. I don't know. I just hope this shit also includes a scene featuring Hello Kitty singing the chorus to her, because that's real 100% organic obsession right there!

And I really feel uncomfortable that my no-no is hitting a 5th octave over this picture of Mimi as Miminem. It's every flavor of NOT RIGHT. My slutiness knows no bounds!

Here's some pictures of Mimi as Mimi looking like a freshly glazed turducken while shooting her video outside of The Plaza hotel in NYC today.

When is Mimi going to break open her giant Hello Kitty piggy bank and buy a shit load of stock in Adobe? Nobody loves Photoshop the way Mimi does. Photoshop should pay homage to their #1 client by renaming themselves MimiShop. It's the least they can do.

If Adobe ever went out of business, Mimi's rainbow ass would melt down into a puddle liquefied Skittles.

This is the cover for Mimi's new album "Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel....Who Becomes Perfect Thanks To Photoshop." Mimi explained the cover of Twitter: "The reason I chose to use 3 images for the cover is cos there are a lot of different emotions and stories revealed on this album. I knew..."

Um. Her face is giving me the same emotion in all three pictures: "I have the farts." However, her Hello Titties are delivering in the raw emotion department. In picture one they are saying to each other: "I loves you." In picture two they are saying: "Hmmm...I'm kind of mad at you." In picture three they are saying: "I HATE YOU!"

VIA MariahDaily

Mimi's first single off her new album Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel (which is also the title of my 6th grade diary) came out today and it sounds like it came out 5 years ago. Same butterfly shit. Almost. Mimi decided to sprinkle this with a heaping serving of auto-tone. Although, this shit is not a total wash.

Just when I was about to quit this song and cleanse my ears with some Eden's Crush, I hear Mimi scream at 3:30 mark, "He's all up in my George Foreman!!!!!" AHAHAHAHA. I haven't heard that shit in years since some cholita said that to me while I was going through her ladybug backpack (she was going through a phase). This song is fine by me just for that lyric!

And you better get used to this mess, because it's probably going to be #1. You will hear it blasting through Walgreens every time you go in there to pick up condoms and Diet Shasta.

No, this isn't the hag at the DMV who smacked her lips at you when you didn't bring in your social security card AND birth certificate. It's Mimi! Mimi! You know, Mariah Carey. YES! I know you didn't recognize the Rainbow Butterfly Princess without her glitter domes out, but it really is her. Mimi washed away all the Hello Kitty-ness to play a period-faced guidance counselor in Precious. Mimi has come along way since her Glitter days.....

The movie also stars my favorite comic of all-time & forever Mo'Nique, Lenny Kravitz, Sherri Shepherd (ugh) and newcomer Gabby Sidibe. The trailer is below. Really, that's Mimi. If you don't believe me, release a butterfly in the room and it will immediately flutter to her when she pops up on the screen.

While a video montage of Mimi and Nick Cannon's year together played, the Hello Kitty princess herself shed a crystal tear that dripped down to the floor and sprouted a bright rainbow of butterflies that fluttered around her. Mimi should really bottle her magical tears. It would trump water as the #1 used liquid in Japan. Trust this.

Maybe Mimi was crying because she waltzed out of her cotton candy-haze for a quick minute and realized she's been married to the dude from Love Don't Cost a Thing for a full year! Yes, an entire 365 days! Here I was thinking they would only last until the champagne buzz wore off. Shame. On. Me. I will pucker up to a lamb (not like that) in their honor today.

Here's Mimi showing off her Deery-Lous with her overgrown man child husband at their anniversary party at Las Vegas' Moon nightclub last night.

Mimi and Nick Cannon's marriage will turn 1-year-old on April 30th. This is 363 days longer than I thought it would last. I feel like I should lick the crotch of a Hello Kitty doll as punishment.

You know, even if Mimi wanted to get a divorce, she'd have to drag her mantoy's ass with her to the lawyer's office, because he can't let go! The money is on his hands at all times! Gold diggers of the world, this is how it's done.

Here's Mimi and Nick leaving Mr. Chow last night in Beverly Hills. How many dudes does it take to get the unicornie rainbow butt plug princess into a car?! Is homegirl filled with hot air and in danger of floating away? Oh, wait.