Mariah Carey

Only Mimi would be ridiculous enough to post a preview of her twin unicornlets' first picture and she did so yesterday when she Twatted a portrait of little Monroe's hand with this note:

#dembabiesruntings -This is baby Monroe saying "no pictures dahhhhling" at 7+1/2 weeks..oh dear :)
26 Jun

No, it's baby Monroe saying, "Stop saying 'dem babies run tings," because you ain't a stereotypical Jamaican cartoon character, dahhhhling!"

It is true that this baby hand could belong to any baby since most baby hands look the same, but I believe that it truly is the paw of a Mimi spawn. Those aren't life lines on Monroe's hands. If you look closely, you'll see that it's the secret map to the enchanted lair of The Blinkins. And when I put my forehead up to the screen, the Gummi Bears theme song was abracadabra-ed into my head, my no-no started craving a unicorn horn and my nostrils started spewing out butterfly confetti. Only a unicorn centaur who has "Made by Lisa Frank" stamped into their ass cheek has that kind of power.

Mimi and Nick Cannon's unicorn twinlets have yet to make their magazine portrait debut, but he talked a little about them to Page Six at the opening of a Benz dealership in Manhattan the other night. Nick continued to make sense by saying that his kids live up to their names Moroccan Scott and Monroe. You know, because Moroccan has six-packs where his tear ducts are supposed to be and Monroe is already a needy girl who will throw a breathy tantrum if she doesn't get her way. SENSE: Nick Cannon has lots of it!

Nick on Moroccan Scott: "He doesn't cry, he's already got muscles, so Moroccan was a perfect name for him."

Nick on Monroe: "Monroe's a diva. She always has to get her way, and she loves being held."

I believe every single word Nick Cannon is spewing, especially the part about Moroccan Scott having more muscles than Jillian Michaels' nipple. Think about it. If your name is Moroccan, you can either cry about it or you can do something about it. Moroccan Scott went with the latter and played the Rocky theme song in his head.

When his parents aren't looking, he uses the rhinestone-encrusted unicorn horn rattle in his crib as a weight. Moroccan lifts it with determination while thinking about the day he'll be strong enough to do a pull up out of his crib, crawl to the nearest window, jump up to it, push it up with his new biceps and roll to the county clerk's office to change his name. It's like ENOUGH but with babies! And instead of an abusive husband, he's got an abusive name!

When Baby Morocco and Baby Monroe emerged from Mimi's crystallized womb of pink amniotic fluid, a nurse at the hospital told her to drink half of a dark Guinness to get her titties lactating. After Mimi did it, somebody snitched her out to Department of Children and Family Services. Social workers from the DCFS paid Mimi a visit in the hospital, but quickly realized that some unicorn hater was obviously trying to make a story out of nothing for the tabloids. Put a sparkly sunshine sticker over that Lisa Frank folder, because the case is closed! But not really.

TMZ reports that DFCS paid Mimi another visit at her home today. Yes, they are investigating Mimi over drinking a stupid fucking beer when they are missing the real act of abuse. Mimi played one of her songs during labor. Now that is the real shit that will screw a newborn up.

According to TMZ's source, social workers interviewed Mimi and a few others at the house. They monitored Mimi with her twins and poked around the house. After all of that, they declared that Mimi is a fit mother and the twins are in a healthy environment. The case is now really closed.

Yes, it was all kinds of ridiculous for Child Services to waste their time and money investigating Mimi over a Guinness when across town a toddler is probably getting beat in the head with a Guinness, but at least I learned something from this. I did not know that Guinness makes your nipples squirt leche. Now I can tell my friends that the milky white discharge spilling out of my nipples isn't from some kind of chest Chlamydia (Warning: do not tap your nipples with peens you don't know). I'm just lactating from drinking too much Guinness!

Now that Baby Couscous and Baby Marilyn are safely snuggled into their diamante and pink gold cribs (I wish), their father Nick Cannon tells the media all about their ridiculous journey from Mimi's Care Bear womb to her bronzer-covered arms. But first, above is the elegant piece of understated jewelry that Nick bought for Mimi for her first Mother's Day. The 4-carat diamond and pink sapphire necklace cost $12,000 and will replace a chola's green gold nameplate necklace as my favorite definition of real class. It's a little piece of Downtown Las Vegas on Mimi's neck! All it's missing is the scent of wet cigarettes and bourbon phlegm balls in plastic cups. Moving on...

Nick Cannon was on The Gayle King Show (via UsWeekly) yesterday and he set the record straight about the rumor that they played Mimi's song "We Belong Together" during the birth of their twin unicorlings. They didn't play "We Belong Together," but they did play the live version of Mimi's song "Fantasy." Nick has a perfectly reasonable explanation for why they went with the live version of the song:

"Now my wife wanted to make sure that when the babies came out, that they came out not only to a Mariah Carey song, but a live performance from Mariah Carey -- her Madison Square performance of 'Fantasy' -- so they came out to a round of applause."

That sounds like the most fabulously gay production since Liza Minnelli's wedding to David Gest. You know, I would say that the sound of Mimi's 10,000 octave nightingale yodel would send any baby crawling back up into the womb, but it almost didn't scare Moroccan and Monroe as much as the doctor dressed in a Hello Kitty costume and the dozens of lambs dyed in various shades of pink and blue prancing around the delivery room.

This little bit of information also helps to solve the question: who called Child Protective Services on Mimi's ass?! Nick told CNN yesterday they got a hospital visit from CPS after somebody said Mimi was drinking and drugging in her room. Nick thinks someone overheard a nurse telling Mimi to drink a little dark beer to move breastfeeding along and decided to turn nothing into a scandal for a fast dollar.

But I disagree with Nick's suspicions. If you played back the anonymous call to CPS, you'd definitely hear a pair of tiny voices breathing out the words "heeeeeeelp us." It's amazing how fast newborns will learn how to speak after you play a Mariah Carey song for them.

If you're like me, then you've been clenching your nalgas together in anticipation of the names Mimi and Nick Cannon bestowed upon their baby boy and baby girl. So without further ado, you can finally unclench, because they have named them:

Moroccan Scott Cannon

and

Monroe Cannon

The names "Divaboo Honey Heart" and "Unicorniah Lambow" WERE ROBBED! But this is almost just as good, because CNN says Mimi named her son "Moroccan" after the name of her favorite room in her NYC penthouse. BITCH NAMED HER BABY AFTER A ROOM! It could've been a lot worse, though. Mimi could've named him after her second favorite room in her penthouse: The Rainbow Loo. Actually, Rainbow Loo would've been better than Morrocan.

Moroccan's middle name is also Nick's middle name. As for the completely unoriginal girl name of Monroe, Mimi says it's an honor of her idol Marilyn Monroe. Butterfly please, we all know that Mimi really named her after Monroe Ficus.

Even though the school yard bullies are obviously going to call the boy twin "Moroniccan" and "Moroccan Scott" sounds like a sex act involving a hookah pipe, these names are pretty tame for Mimi. They don't sound like citizens of Lisa Frankland who spend their summers in the Land of Caring. There will be a lot of butterflies out there who won't even muster out one flutter today, because they're sad that Mimi didn't name one of her twins after them. Butterfly betrayal is the worst.

As Mimi and Nick Cannon's precious new pair of unicornlets crawled to the hospital's administrative offices to change their names (which I'm guessing are Sparklebelle LaMimi and Rainick Lotsa Heart) on the birth certificates before that mess gets entered into the system, their parents kept with tradition by renewing their vows (aka the lyrics to "Touch My Body").

Every wedding anniversary Mimi and Nick re-caulk their love with the glitter syrup that drips off the words in their vows, and they weren't going to let a little thing called "raw C-section stitches" get in the way of them doing it this year.

UsWeekly says that Rev. Al Sharpton conducted the ceremony in the hospital yesterday, which leads me to ask: IS ANYBODY THINKING ABOUT THE BABIES?! Just imagine that you're opening your eyes for the first time and there you see your mother lying in a tub full of pink rose petals with a bedazzled unicorn horn veil on her head and two shirtless man slaves in butterfly thongs sprinkling heart confetti all over her as Rev. Al Sharpton recites the sappiest lines every written by a human being. #dempoorbabies are still wiping the rainbow-colored cheese out of their tiny eyes.

If you saw a rainbow shaking in the sky yesterday, then you witnessed the moment Mimi's twin unicorlings started to finally push themselves out of her down low glitter heart, but she desperately wanted them to be born on the day of her 3rd wedding anniversary with Nick Cannon, so she held her vagina tight the same way she holds an earth-shattering high note. And then at around 12:07pm EST today, she finally exhaled and out poured a pair of candy coated babies who brought with them a placenta made of Jolly Ranchers and their first cry is expected to debut at #1 on iTunes charts later today (TRUTH NOTE: She probably had her C-section scheduled for today).

Yes, after being pregnant for at least two centuries, thee Mimi has finally given thee birth! AND THE LAMBS AND UNICORNS CRY IN UNISON!!!!! Here's the announcement the cherubs carried on a Lisa Frank scroll to People:

Carey, 42, delivered the babies Saturday at 12:07 p.m. EST at an undisclosed hospital in Los Angeles. Carey's representative, Cindi Berger, confirmed the births to The Associated Press, saying the baby girl was born first, weighing 5 lbs., 3 oz., and was 18 inches long; her brother was next, at 5 lbs. 6 oz., and was 19 inches.

Berger tells PEOPLE "she's doing great" and they were listening to Carey's "We Belong Together" after the children were born. "I spoke to both of them and they are both completely overjoyed."

Asked if the birth was planned to coincide with her anniversary, she said: "No, not even Mariah could plan that."

"Nick was very nervous and Mariah was completely calm. Mariah thought it was another soft labor and Nick was driving her to the hospital and she very calm and the music was blasting," she added. "When they walked into the hospital, [Nick] was going the wrong way and they nurse redirected them to go the maternity ward, and I said to her, 'that's right out of I Love Lucy,' and she laughed."

Mimi and Nick have yet to release their babies' names, because they're waiting for the trademark to be approved and their lawyers are checking to see if they will have any copyright issues if they name one of them after a Gummi Bears character.

There's no doubt that Mimi and Nick will give them a name worthy of a gay Care Bear whose ass spits sequins. Like you would ever hear Mimi scream, "Jennifer, do you want the rhinestone-encrusted pony tail hair extensions or the strawberry-flavored ones?" More like, "Butterfly Fantasy Honey, do you want the rhinestone-encrusted pony tail hair extensions of the strawberry-flavored ones?" And that will be the boys' name.

Mimi is 8 months knocked up with her twin unicorn centaurs and she can't move without the help of the Whale Rescue Team, a sturdy crane, the tractor-pulling champion of the world and the cast of Deadliest Catch, so the party has to come to her! Mimi wished her Twitter followers a very Happy Easter by giving them this picture of her natural Vision of Love curls and her freshly painted triple wide baby cocoon. Mimi's friend painted an Easter egg with a blue heart for her boy baby unicorn and a pink one for her girl. This isn't the first time and it won't be the last time Mimi put her Color Me Mine bump on display.

Divaboo Honey Heart Cannon and Lamberry Sequinedariah Cannon aren't even here yet and she's already decorating them! Before they make their inaugural poop, their skin will already be used to glued-on rhinestones and the thin slivers of nail on their fingers will be covered with lacquered glitter. They probably won't be able to see very well since their little lids will always have dyed swan feathers on them, but maybe that's not such a bad thing.

If you think Mimi is always nekkid ass nekkid now, just wait until she pops those babies out. Mama lamb titties and bitties for days. Bitch will be flaunting her bare Strawberry Quik chest bags like it's her new job!

Mimi, the purveyor of maternal taste, has really outdone herself in the tact and class department this time! Mimi already gave us a dozen unforgettable eye fulls when she bared her bountiful belly basket of butterfly babies (I hate myself for writing that) on the cover of Life & Style, and this time she's taking it a whole new awkward level with her husband Nick Cannon on (Not) OK! Magazine.

The pregnancyface.... The gigantic third hand covering Mimi's belly.... Nick pressing Mimi's chichis so hard that I'm surprised leche didn't spurt out of her mouth.... Nick looking like he's sticking the tip in....

No wonder one of Mimi's twins refuses to lift her head up. Mimi tells OK! that her twins (who I hope she'll name Nickariah Frostine and Mariahick Funshine Bear) already have personalities even though they haven't left the womb yet.

“You can tell the personalities a bit. In viewing our ultrasounds, our boy is all ready like Nick, like, ‘Here I am, take my picture or don’t, and our girl is coyly facing the other way, like, ‘No pictures,’ waiting for a proper debut.

I took some ultrasound footage of them in the womb that I think they’ll definitely find interesting later in life.”

Nickariah Frostine isn't waiting for her proper debut! She's keeping her face down, because she knows what's going on out there and she wants no part of this pregnancy porn fuckery.

We'd expect nothing less from the forever elegant crystal unicorn princess and she knows this. So Mimi said "Poof!" to Vogue, dismissed Vanity Fair and instead chose to bare her overgrown butterfly cocoon for the cover of the tastemaking periodical of class that is Life & Style Weekly. When we all think of the words "life" and "style," we automatically think of double knocked up Mimi airing her lamb pit out while wearing a wavy hair bra, so this is a perfect fit.

Mimi gets nekkid ass nekkid for her drivers license photo, so we knew this day was coming. To be honest, I was kind of hoping that Mimi would save it for a limited-edition Lisa Frank folder sold in select Walgreens, but this is a good second choice.

Mimi tells Life & Style that even though she wasn't feeling totally camera ready fresh (Can I get an extra sparkly "HO, PLEASE"?), she knew she wanted to share this special Care Bear Stare with the world, so she dropped her pink satin marabou robe, brought her best eyebrow game and worked it like an Awkward Family Photos desk calendar model. Mimi cooed this out after the shoot:

"I was feeling very vulnerable about taking pictures at all right now, but then I didn't want to miss this opportunity to document this once-in-a-lifetime experience. My ultimate goal was to share this incredibly personal moment with my true fans.

The babies were kicking almost the entire time; it was unbelievable. Especially the girl -- clearly she's a diva in training! We didn't start shooting until 1:30 a.m. because I was in the hospital from the night before until the day of the shoot with contractions five minutes apart!

Now I have so much respect for mothers everywhere, especially those who've had difficult pregnancies or given birth to multiples. We need to have Mother's Day once a week!"

Why do I have a feeling that knocked up hos everywhere are going to request "The Mimi Set-Up" at Glamour Shots and Sears Portrait Studios all around the country? Sears better stock extra clip-on polyester falls just in case. Speaking of, that hair sort of makes Mimi look like what happened after Lady totally swallowed the Tramp's noodle and more.

And no, we don't need a Mother's Day once a week, but we definitely need a Mimi Gets Naked Day once a week, because this is a refined work of understated art (add an "f" to art if you feel the need).