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Kristen Stewart, the wooden doll in Twilight and Panic Room, will play Joan Jett in the biopic The Runaways. Kristen is perfectly capable to play a dead fish left by the side of the road in the summer sun, but she is no Joan Jett. The girl is not the one. Kristen is probably going to get nominated for a Razzie for this performance this year even though they haven't even shot it yet. I predict this shit will be painful.

The movie will be directed and written by music video director Floria Sigismondi . Joan Jett must have co-signed casting Kristen, because she is a producer on the movie. It will start filming sometime next year. They have to work around Kristen's shooting schedule for the Twilight sequels.

I can only imagine who is going to play the rest of those hot bitches: Taylor Momsen IS Cherie Currie (she already has the hair), Ashley Jizzdale IS Lita Ford, Taylor Swift IS Sandy West, Miley Cyrus IS Jackie Fox. Suri Cruise will shoot a cameo as Mikki Steele. You know this is going to be the cast.

I was a little afraid to admit this in fear that rabid fangirls would track me down, bite me with their fake vampire fangs, smear strawberry jelly on my neck, drag me to the next showing of this shit and hold me down throughout the whole thing.

I wanted to go, but everyone told me to make sure and go to the 8 o'clock show. That shit is too early for me. They said that was when the tween vampires were out in full force. One of my friends said some 14-year-old bitch wouldn't stop crying and shrieked whenever Robert Pattinson was on the screen. And some of those girls already memorized the lines and shit. Apparently, the hos in the audience are more entertaining than the movie itself. It sounds like I'll need to be drunk, stoned and suffering from a minor concussion to deal with this fuckery.

I didn't go to see this shit, but tons of whores did, because it was the #1 movie at the box office with $70.5 million. That's a whole lot of allowance dollars. Not surprisingly, the sequel is already in the works and so it starts again.....

Here's the full top 10 movies of the weekend:

1. Twilight, $70.6 million
2. Quantum of Solace, $27.4 million
3. Bolt, $27 million
4. Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa, $16 million
5. Role Models, $7.2 million
6. Changeling, $2.6 million
7. High School Musical 3: Senior Year, $2 million
8. Zack and Miri Make a Porno, $1.7 million
9. The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, $1.67 million
10. The Secret Life of Bees, $1.3 million

WTF is The Boy in the Striped Pajamas? That sounds like a Michael Jackson documentary.

Nicole Kidman will play the world's first post-op tranny who is married to Charlize Theron in old timey Copenhagen. File this under: Greedy bitches want another Oscar!

The Hollywood Reporter says that Nicky will produce and act in "The Danish Girl," based on a true story about two married Danish artists who gained international attention in the 1930s after the dude (Nicky) gets the world's first sex change.

It all started in the 1920s when Greta Wegener (Charlize) asked her husband Einar to stand in for a chick model she was supposed to paint. The portraits became the fucking shit in Denmark, so Greta asked her husband to keep up the charade. This leads to Einar deciding that he wants a vagina instead of a peen, so he gets it chopped off. This of course causes drama in their marriage.

Anand Tucker, who directed "Shopgirl," will direct this tranny mess. Pre-production is going on right now, but it's not known when shooting will start.

This shit is like a reversal of "Victor/Victoria" with the cheery singing and dancing numbers getting replaced with raw emotion and a sullen musical score.

I hope they're going to throw in a scene early on where Einar gets some fucking plastic shit injected into his face. That will explain why his mug doesn't move.

And riddle me this, can't they get a fucking man to do this shit?! Or better yet, Tilda Swinton! That hot piece was born to play this role! They are going to ruin a perfectly hot tranny story by making Nicole the lead. Not only does the bitch kill her own facial expressions, but she kills movies too!

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This is one of the first pitchers of Rob Marshall's Nine starring Daniel Day-Lewis and a bunch of broads. The picture needs a little visit from Photoshop, because it's looking like a pageant photo from Miss Drag Queen World 2008. In case you have no idea who some of those bitches are, they are from left to right:

Judi Dench (in the Suri wig), Penny Cruz, Marion Cotillard, Sophia Loren, Fuggie Fug, Nicky Kidman, Kate Hudson and some random trick in the back trying to sneak into the picture.

Of course, Nicky has to have the spotlight on her wax figure-looking ass. It's probably not even a spotlight. It's the toxic glow you get from too much Botox.

The people in front of Fuggie must be wearing raincoats and carrying umbrellas. Fuggie's got her legs open for business and she's a known squirter.

Wait...I think that's Daniel Day-Lewis' head down below in front of Fuggie's geyser hole.... I really, really hope he was wearing a gas mask.

Alan Rickman has joined the cast of Tim Burton's "Alice in Wonderland" in the role he was born to play: The Caterpillar! Alan dressed in a sexy caterpillar costume and smoking a hookah!? I can't. His voice is already like a smoke of warm velvet, so I can already imagine what he's going to sound like as The Caterpillar. You better bring some Kleenex to clean up your ear orgasms.

Another Burton veteran, Christopher Lee, will also lend his skills to the movie, but it's not known what role he's going to play. Some seem think he's going to play The White Knight.

The rest of the cast includes Johnny Depp (Mad Hatter), Mia Wasikowska (Alice), Helena Bonham Carter (The Red Queen), Anne Hathaway (The White Queen), Michael Sheen (Cheshire Cat), Matt Lucas (Tweedledee/Tweedledum) and Crispin Glover (Knave of Hearts). Of course, Danny Elfman is doing the score.

This shit comes out in 2010, so that gives you plenty of time to perfect your pot brownie recipe. You know this crap is going to be best viewed with a few scrumptious chocolate weed cakes.

For the second weekend in a row, "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" is the #1 movie at the box office with $17.5 million. It's made a total of $52.4 million. Damn. Stoners and screaming babies must really love this shit.

The end is near (see below), so people would rather be entertained by a singing chihuahua than a talking DiCaprio. It makes sense. Leonardo DiCaprio and Russell Crowe's new bore fiesta "Body of Lies" was no match for the dancing chihuahuas.

"Body of Lies" brought in $13.1 million, which was good enough for the third spot. HAH! My chihuahua laughs at the dude from "Titanic."

That horror movie that we've probably seen a million times "Quarantine" was the #2 movie of the weekend with $14.2 million.

I was tempted to see "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" this weekend, but I decided to wait until it shows up on my Netflix queue. That way I can see it from the comfort of my own bong. Besides, if I want to be entertained by a talking chihuahua, I just have to take a few dozen bong hits and stare at my own dog. We've seriously had some amazing and deep conversations while riding on the green cloud. He knows me better than anyone.

Here's the weekend's top 10:

1. Beverly Hills Chihuahua - $17.5 million
2. Quarantine - $14.2 million
3. Body of Lies - $13.1 million
4. Eagle Eye - $11.0 million
5. Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist - $6.5 million
6. The Express - $4.7 million
7. Nights in Rodanthe - $4.6 million
8. Appaloosa - $3.3 million
9. The Duchess - $3.3 million
10. City of Ember - $3.2 million

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Tim Burton is currently shooting "Alice in Wonderland" with Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter. And what's a Tim Burton movie without Helena Bonham Carter? Of course, he's cast her ass as The Red Queen. Anne Hathaway will play her sister, The White Queen. That bitch isn't in the Disney cartoon movie, but is in the novel. Yes, I read that shit! Okay, I read the Cliff Notes version, but that counts.

This is Helena and Johnny's fourth Burton movie together. They've already done "Corpse Bride," "Charlie and the Shit Factory" and "Sweeney Todd." This is Helena's sixth Burton movie and Johnny's seventh.

It's obvious that Helena only got the role because she's sucking the director's hairy dick, but her acting doesn't make me fart, so she's fine. It kind of goes without saying that if you're bumping it with Tim Burton, you're going to get cast in all his movies. Remember that tall bitch Lisa Marie? She was in tons of Burton movies and then they sort of broke up. That was a career killer, because what's she doing now? Exactly.

Hollywood is continuing its mass murdering of our classic favorites and this time their ax has gone into the back of Yogi Bear. The evil warlords at Warner Bros. have hired writer Ash Brannon ("Surf's Up") to develop the new feature shit show.

The studio plans to use both live-action and CGI like "Alvin and the Chipmunks." Most of the movie will be live-action, but Yogi, Boo Boo and the other animals will be CGI.

Why make Yogi and Boo Boo CGI?! The only way this crap will work is if they cast John Travolta as Yogi and Tommy Girl as Boo Boo. DUH! Their hungry butts can't wait to play those roles. I'm sure they role-play as Yogi and Boo Boo down in Tommy's Scientology dungeon. They play "hide the baby carrot in the pic-a-nic basket."

And you know "The Jetsons" is next! For real this time.

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It was already known that Russell Crowe's voluptuous ass would play the Sheriff in Ridley Scott's "Nottingham," but now he's also playing Robin Hood. Ridley said that Russell would play both roles, but he wouldn't comment any further. He only said that Russell as Robin Hood and the Sheriff would be “a good old clever adjustment of characters. One becomes the other. It changes.” Sybil for the Middle Ages!

Ridley also confirmed that shameless slut Sienna Miller is playing Maid Marian. Russell's wife better lock his dick up and pour a little holy water on it to keep it safe from Sienna.

Ridley and Russell should take this concept a step further. Russell should play all the roles. He definitely has the belly of wonder needed to play Friar Tuck. He also has the huge titties for Maid Marian. And Russell likes to sing, so he can easily cover Bryan Adams' "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)." Win!

Don't expect Johnny Depp to return your phone calls anytime soon, because he's going to be tied up for a while. And not tied up in the way you've fantasized about over and over again. The pimps at Disney have announced that Johnny will star in 3 films for them. Depp is officially a Disney whore! He's also the only Disney whore I want to see half-naked on MySpace.

Johnny is currently shooting Disney's "Alice in Wonderland" for Tim Burton. He plays the Mad Hatter opposite Mia Wasikowska as Alice and Matt Lucas as Tweedledee/Tweedledum. The film will combine performance-capture imagery with live-action shit. Tim is also shooting it in 3-D.

Okay, Tim owes it to the world to add a full nude scene featuring the Mad Hatter. Seeing Depp's peen in 3-D has become my newest mission in life.

After Johnny finishes "Alice," he will move on to "The Long (typo, but it stays) Ranger" and "Pirates of the Caribbean 4." Obviously, he'll be playing Jack Sparrow again in the latter. In "The Lone Ranger," he'll play Tonto and not the title role.

Okay, Disney owes it to the world (for bringing Miley Cyrus into our lives) to cast Rodrigo Santoro as The Lone Ranger and add a sex scene. Oh and that shit should be shot in 3-D too. I mean, it makes sense. Tonto and The Lone Ranger always wanted to do dirty sex to each other.