Jude Law

New boring couple alert! 20-year-old model Lily Cole was caught leaving Jude Law's pad in London yesterday morning after spending the night. What a slut! At least she doesn't have dried man chowder in her hair. That happened to me once and I had to tell everyone it was dried-up "cheap hair gel."

According to the Mirror, Lily has been boinking 35-year-old Jude for the past two weeks.

Last week, creepy-doll-faced Lily and bald-headed Jude went to a Radiohead concert together. A witness said they were surprised to see 5'10" Lily "towering over" Jude. I'm assuming Lily was wearing heels, because Jude is 5'10" himself. Jude is going to have to call up Tommy Girl to get the number for his platform shoe maker.

On Saturday night, the two were spotted having a romantic dinner. A witness said, "There was no blatant kissing but it was obvious they were more than just friends. Jude was being very affectionate and gazing into her eyes." Never trust someone who "gazes" into your eyes. The last dude that "gazed" into my eyes, ended up dognapping my pooch and throwing me out of a moving car. Those types can never be trusted.

Lily and Jude are going to last a quick minute. Jude is a mega man whore to the tenth degree. His heart shouldn't write checks that his dick can't cash! I'm not sure if that made any sense, but leave me alone! It's Monday fucking morning.

Images: Mr. Paparazzi

It's just us, Jude! Maybe Jude Law saw his head in the mirror before he left and is frustrated that he his chia pet won't grow back. Jude's wide landing strip head doesn't bother me as much as it used it. I'd ride his landing strip to the very end!

If it bothers him so much, he should ask his son if he could borrow some of his! Below is Jude playing with his son Rudy in a London park yesterday. This almost warms my steel heart.

Jude Law and Kimbo Stewart touching lips! Those nasty dykes! Get a room! Better yet, get a coffin and stay there forever. The Sun has a couple of pictures of Jude and Kimbo making out at some C-list club in Essex on Saturday night.

A source said, “We couldn’t believe it when we saw Kimberly Stewart snogging the face off Jude Law. They were really going at it and barely came up for air." Just because Jude Law is balding doesn't mean he has to lower his standards. Kimbo?! I would rather lick Rod Stewart's raisin ass lips than even hold Kimbo's hands. Nast.

Jude really needs to lay off the booger sugar. It makes him do things like this! He better punish himself by staring at Cisco Adler's soggy nuts for at least 20-minutes straight (Cisco used to date Kimbo). Those things have been in Kimbo's mouth! Ack!

Below are pictures of Jude with Jeremy Gilley in Cannes yesterday and Kimbo Stewart at the Sex and the City premiere in London a week ago. I mean, Kimbo is hot for a Bel Ami power bottom porn star.

Jude Law is having issues with the fact that his hairline sort of looks like a patch of lady pubes. He's been seeing experts on what he can do to save his hair. His ex-wife, Sadie Frost, has told him to get advice from experts in Chinese medicine, homoeopathy and acupuncture.

Jude just needs to embrace his pube patch. Does he really want to look like John Travolta? A furry cat belongs in your lap and not on top of your head.

Don't get me wrong. When this starts happening to me, I will drink donkey milk to keep my locks from leaving my head.