Jude Law

Jude Law and his latest baby mama Samantha Burke have come to an agreement regarding child support and the visitation schedule for their five-month old daughter Sophia. The News of the World (via Metro) claims that Jude's signature will hitch a ride on a $5,000 check and visit baby Sophia once a month. Jude himself will shake baby Sophia's hand in person just twice a year. So Jude is basically making like his hairline and disappearing.

One of Samantha's friends added, "Jude will visit his daughter at least twice a year, once around Christmas."

Five thousand dollars is not a lot of money to a wallet fucker. Jude Law could've shook out his checking account a little more and added a zero to that amount. I mean, it's not like he's spending any money on haircare products or condoms. Now thanks to him being a cheap ass, Samantha Burke will have no choice but to shine up Sophia and kick her ass out on the ho stroll to collect more coins.

It turns out the rumors are true. Jude Law snatched up three of his four kids and went off to Barbados to spend some time with his partner in homewreckery Sienna Miller. Jude and Sienna are spending their days frolicking on the beach with the kids, and spending their nights sucking the sand crabs out of each other's fuck parts. SCRAGS BITCHES!

Sienna has always been a personal slut hero of mine, so it is a little disappointing seeing her go back for fourths and fifths of Jude Law's peen. But I do understand. Bitch is just getting hers. However, I do hope she's protecting her ovaries from Jude's potent sperm. One of those needy baby things would slow down her slut game. That would be tragic.

Speaking of protection, does Rogaine make sunscreen? Jude should look into that if he hasn't already.

The Sherlock Holmes premiere was last night in NYC, and this is what Blake Lively wore to that shit.

My space heater is on blast, I've got two pairs of socks on my feet, a heating pad is shoved up in my crack and I'm still cold. So I have to bow down to Blake Lively for not letting something called "weather" fuck with her tramping it up on the red carpet.

I'm sure Blake's vagina is blowing steam and her nipples might have already fell off due to frostbite, but WHO CARES! Cameras are flashing and Blake has a show to put on! Don't let some stupid Snow Miser shit get in the way of you showcasing those chichis!

Other hos, who obviously don't have Blake's dedication, at the premiere were: Jude Law, Robert Downey Jr., Rachel McAdams, Guy Ritchie and Rocco Ritchie.

Sienna Miller has cum full circle and I don't like it. You know, I was fine with Sienna Miller giving Jude Law's penis an encore. Sometimes, a slut's vagina just needs to reminiscence with old friends. This, I understand. But Sienna isn't keeping it at that. No, The Sun claims Sienna is about to make Jude her live-in dick. Why must the master slut shame us so?!

Some source explained it like this: "Last week they put the wheels in motion to live together again. They have told staff that they are in love and will be moving back to London in the spring and they will be living together as a couple once again."

What makes this especially hurtful is that Jude didn't know if he was ready to make Sienna his full-time fuck partner again. Sienna CONVINCED him. Thinking about Sienna on her knees, using her mouth to beg Jude to move in with her instead of using her mouth to lick on his peen lips is like a karate chop to my soul.

How is Sienna's bull dozer vagina going to destroy happy homes when she's got a b-b-b-b-b-b-boyfriend under her roof?! Sienna, think of your reputation.

Jude Law and Sienna Miller are both doing acting shit on Broadway at the same time, so we were all waiting for the moment they would be seen rubbing all over each other in public. Well, the time has come (no pun intended). Star Magazine says that Jude and Sienna spent their Thanksgiving sucking pizza sauce out of each other's mouths at Emporio restaurant in NYC.

Some source said, "They were offered a private table in the back, but Jude and Sienna turned it down. They had no problem flaunting their love right in the middle of the restaurant. They definitely looked like they were head-over-heels for each other. They came in holding hands and kept touching each other and kissing throughout the entire meal. They only had eyes for each other!"

This is probably just a case of Sienna's vag catching up with an old friend: Jude Law's dick. Their parts bumped into each other, shared a few laughs, had a few lube-tinis, barfed on one another and then went their separate ways again. Sienna was just taking a trip down memory peen. Because at the moment, I think her bull dozer vagina still belongs to Balthazar.

Here's Jude Law and his hot-piece-in-waiting strolling down the streets of Manhattan looking like the fanciest couple in Gayville picking up their extra-fancy Thanksgiving outfits. You know, if you take a quick sniff of Wite-Out and wink, Jude and his assistant sort of look like twins. Like a before & after Rogaine ad.

I also threw in a few pictures of Jude giving the air a good salad tossing yesterday afternoon.

Samantha Burke sold off the first pictures of her baby with Jude Law to Hello! Magazine for$300,000. This had a lot of whores (including yours truly) screaming about how she's selling out her baby so she can roll around in wads of cash. Well, Samantha bounced on her website to set the record straight:

I can confirm that after months of constant requests from the media, I decided to share pictures of myself and Sophia with Hello! Magazine. Both Sophia and I were compensated for the photographs, and will donate a portion of the compensation to the Ronald McDonald House to assist with the completion of their new facility in Pensacola, FL. The majority of the compensation, paid to Sophia, will be placed in trust for her secondary education and well-being. I’m thrilled with the pictures of Sophia and pleased to announce that she is healthy, happy and deeply loved.

SAMMY STOP! Putting a quarter in those plastic boxes in front of the McDonald's cash register does not count!

But if Samantha is telling the whole truth, it makes sense why Baby Sophia has a "THIS BITCH" face. Working for free doesn't exactly inspire a smile.

VIA Just Jared

Yesterday, my ass posted a little story about how Jude Law's one-night-fuck turned baby mama, Samantha Burke, sold the first pictures of her baby for $300k to Hello! Magazine. Well, here's the cover of Hello! starring (warning: clear your throat before you read this) 24-year-old Samantha and her adorable bag of money. In the issue, Samantha tells her "amazing story." I'll save your eyeballs the trouble and give you the Cliffs Notes version.

Basically, Samantha rode on Jude Law's raw peenus and one of his jizz fishies fed itself to her lady egg thus creating a fetus! Then Samantha pushed out her baby girl, slapped a price tag on her ass and sold her off to a magazine. The End. You're totally amazed, right?

And Baby Sophia needs a DRANK! Homegirl looks like she'd rather be watching Sky Captain on a loop than pose for the cover of a magazine. But at least we got to see that Sophia inherited her daddy's hairline (or lack thereof).

VIA Daily Mail

So your checking account is crying because its HONGRAY and you've got Jude Law's shiny new baby friend in your arms. What's a self-respecting gold digger to do? You do the math.

All you have to do is polish that baby and push her out on the ho stroll! And that's exactly what Samantha Burke is doing.

The Daily Mail reports that Samantha sold the first pictures her daughter Sophia to the highest bidder. Samantha's agent confirms that Hello! Magazine snatched up the pictures and interview for around $300,000. A source said that Samantha has kept her baby under lock and key so that paps wouldn't get any shots of her, "Samantha may have got pregnant by accident but she’s a smart businesswoman. The child has rarely left the house since her birth and when Samantha has had to take her out for some reason or the other, her face is carefully covered."

The first time Jude ever lays eyes on his new baby is probably when she's on the cover of Hello! Magazine since he hasn't gone down to Florida to visit her.

While my wallet fucking heart applauds Samantha for making that money, I have to say that she needs to think bigger. Magazine pictures are for amateurs. Everyone is doing that. Samantha needs to put baby Sophia out on tour! Sophia can sit on stage goo goo and ga ga-ing for two hours. Shit, it sounds more entertaining than watching Jude Law in Hamlet.

And yes, everything I know about parenting I learned from Joe Jackson.

Here's Jude Law's latest babeh mameh, Samantha Burke, hobbling around her Pensacola, Fl neighborhood yesterday. At least they tell me this is Samantha Burke, because all I see is chichiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis! DAMN! Yeah, I know Samantha's chichis still aren't as big as even one of Aretha Franklin's nipples, but they still do the trick! If I was Samantha, I would lease my new baby out, because I wouldn't even have time to take care of her. I'd be too busy jiggling my leche bags in the mirror all day long! Yes, I'm that easy.

But seriously, baby is going to need an oxygen tank, so she doesn't get smothered. I'm sure Salma Hayek has a few laying around that she can give to Samantha.

And in other Jude news, The News of the World (via Digital Spy) says he is refusing to see Baby Sophia until he gets a DNA test. A friend said, "Jude is still very cautious about Sam and Sophia. Until he is 100% certain that she is his daughter he is only communicating through lawyers. If he is the father he will meet his obligations to the child. He is hoping for an early chance to establish that he is genuinely her dad."

This is a little weird since I thought Jude already took a DNA test before baby Sophia was born. That's why he admitted he was in fact the father? Hmm. Maybe Jude just wants an excuse to rub one off into a plastic cup while a nurse waits outside the door. The plastic cup fetish. That's a new one.