Jude Law

So I'm staring at this picture of Sienna Miller with Jude Law on a yacht in Ibiza and trying to figure out what exactly she's doing. Maybe she's telling everyone about how she was open mouthed shocked when she first laid eyes on Balthazar Getty's teeny peeny. Or maybe she's telling them that the back alley plastic surgeon who did her wonky tit job saved her some money by shoving the implant into her chest via her froat. But no, none of those make sense.

The simple truth is that Sienna is talking about sucking dick. There's no other logical explanation. If this was a question on a quiz, answers a, b, and c would all read: Sienna Miller is demonstrating a beej. And that's why I can't hate Sienna even though she has temporarily retired from the slut game. I also can't fully hate her because of shit like this:

Although, this is probably not what it looks like. Jude is just trying to see if that sock he lost earlier is in there.

Former gold medal homewrecker (her medal has since been revoked) Sienna Miller showed up to that Met Testicle thing last night with her on-again boyfriend Jude Law. This was their first event as a couple since they got back together for like the millionth time. Sienna wore navy, but she should've worn black to mourn her whory days as one of the hardest working sluts on the stroll. I know that every time I see a picture of Sienna with Jude, I throw the black lace veil my abuelita got me over my head and light a patron saint jar candle. The recession has finally hit Sienna's vagina.

Speaking of follicle-less dry spots, what happened to Jude Law's puzzle piece hairline?! It has magically been filled in. Usually Sienna Miller's touch causes every strand of hair to fall off, but the opposite has happened to Jude! Chi chi chi chia! It's magic!

But I'm guessing that the pubic hairs from Jude Law's dick bush simply migrated north to his head to escape Sienna's pussy. That's all.

Here's former homewrecking slut hero Sienna Miller leaving some store in West Hollywood yesterday with her current full-time fuck partner Jude Law. Oh, how Sienna Miller continues to disappoint us sluts with no morals. Not only is her vagina still carousing with an old piece, but she actually agreed to be seen in public with a dude wearing flip flops with a shiny suit?!

Jude looks like a greasy French gigolo who smells like coconut oil, foreskin fromage, Binaca, cigar ash and saltwater crust. I bet he's wearing a spandex leopard thong under his suit.

With all that being said, Jude (who might be wearing a fluffy merkin on his head) gets a pass this time, because at least he's not wearing condom socks.

Jude Law and his latest baby mama Samantha Burke have come to an agreement regarding child support and the visitation schedule for their five-month old daughter Sophia. The News of the World (via Metro) claims that Jude's signature will hitch a ride on a $5,000 check and visit baby Sophia once a month. Jude himself will shake baby Sophia's hand in person just twice a year. So Jude is basically making like his hairline and disappearing.

One of Samantha's friends added, "Jude will visit his daughter at least twice a year, once around Christmas."

Five thousand dollars is not a lot of money to a wallet fucker. Jude Law could've shook out his checking account a little more and added a zero to that amount. I mean, it's not like he's spending any money on haircare products or condoms. Now thanks to him being a cheap ass, Samantha Burke will have no choice but to shine up Sophia and kick her ass out on the ho stroll to collect more coins.

It turns out the rumors are true. Jude Law snatched up three of his four kids and went off to Barbados to spend some time with his partner in homewreckery Sienna Miller. Jude and Sienna are spending their days frolicking on the beach with the kids, and spending their nights sucking the sand crabs out of each other's fuck parts. SCRAGS BITCHES!

Sienna has always been a personal slut hero of mine, so it is a little disappointing seeing her go back for fourths and fifths of Jude Law's peen. But I do understand. Bitch is just getting hers. However, I do hope she's protecting her ovaries from Jude's potent sperm. One of those needy baby things would slow down her slut game. That would be tragic.

Speaking of protection, does Rogaine make sunscreen? Jude should look into that if he hasn't already.

The Sherlock Holmes premiere was last night in NYC, and this is what Blake Lively wore to that shit.

My space heater is on blast, I've got two pairs of socks on my feet, a heating pad is shoved up in my crack and I'm still cold. So I have to bow down to Blake Lively for not letting something called "weather" fuck with her tramping it up on the red carpet.

I'm sure Blake's vagina is blowing steam and her nipples might have already fell off due to frostbite, but WHO CARES! Cameras are flashing and Blake has a show to put on! Don't let some stupid Snow Miser shit get in the way of you showcasing those chichis!

Other hos, who obviously don't have Blake's dedication, at the premiere were: Jude Law, Robert Downey Jr., Rachel McAdams, Guy Ritchie and Rocco Ritchie.

Sienna Miller has cum full circle and I don't like it. You know, I was fine with Sienna Miller giving Jude Law's penis an encore. Sometimes, a slut's vagina just needs to reminiscence with old friends. This, I understand. But Sienna isn't keeping it at that. No, The Sun claims Sienna is about to make Jude her live-in dick. Why must the master slut shame us so?!

Some source explained it like this: "Last week they put the wheels in motion to live together again. They have told staff that they are in love and will be moving back to London in the spring and they will be living together as a couple once again."

What makes this especially hurtful is that Jude didn't know if he was ready to make Sienna his full-time fuck partner again. Sienna CONVINCED him. Thinking about Sienna on her knees, using her mouth to beg Jude to move in with her instead of using her mouth to lick on his peen lips is like a karate chop to my soul.

How is Sienna's bull dozer vagina going to destroy happy homes when she's got a b-b-b-b-b-b-boyfriend under her roof?! Sienna, think of your reputation.

Jude Law and Sienna Miller are both doing acting shit on Broadway at the same time, so we were all waiting for the moment they would be seen rubbing all over each other in public. Well, the time has come (no pun intended). Star Magazine says that Jude and Sienna spent their Thanksgiving sucking pizza sauce out of each other's mouths at Emporio restaurant in NYC.

Some source said, "They were offered a private table in the back, but Jude and Sienna turned it down. They had no problem flaunting their love right in the middle of the restaurant. They definitely looked like they were head-over-heels for each other. They came in holding hands and kept touching each other and kissing throughout the entire meal. They only had eyes for each other!"

This is probably just a case of Sienna's vag catching up with an old friend: Jude Law's dick. Their parts bumped into each other, shared a few laughs, had a few lube-tinis, barfed on one another and then went their separate ways again. Sienna was just taking a trip down memory peen. Because at the moment, I think her bull dozer vagina still belongs to Balthazar.

Here's Jude Law and his hot-piece-in-waiting strolling down the streets of Manhattan looking like the fanciest couple in Gayville picking up their extra-fancy Thanksgiving outfits. You know, if you take a quick sniff of Wite-Out and wink, Jude and his assistant sort of look like twins. Like a before & after Rogaine ad.

I also threw in a few pictures of Jude giving the air a good salad tossing yesterday afternoon.

Samantha Burke sold off the first pictures of her baby with Jude Law to Hello! Magazine for$300,000. This had a lot of whores (including yours truly) screaming about how she's selling out her baby so she can roll around in wads of cash. Well, Samantha bounced on her website to set the record straight:

I can confirm that after months of constant requests from the media, I decided to share pictures of myself and Sophia with Hello! Magazine. Both Sophia and I were compensated for the photographs, and will donate a portion of the compensation to the Ronald McDonald House to assist with the completion of their new facility in Pensacola, FL. The majority of the compensation, paid to Sophia, will be placed in trust for her secondary education and well-being. I’m thrilled with the pictures of Sophia and pleased to announce that she is healthy, happy and deeply loved.

SAMMY STOP! Putting a quarter in those plastic boxes in front of the McDonald's cash register does not count!

But if Samantha is telling the whole truth, it makes sense why Baby Sophia has a "THIS BITCH" face. Working for free doesn't exactly inspire a smile.

VIA Just Jared