Animal Stories

Anna Wintour has made the children's faux shearling coat a staple of her winter wardrobe and every French couture designer will use it as an inspiration for their next collection and it's all because Darwin the monkey wore one during his fame-making appearance at an Ikea in Toronto over the weekend. Darwin became an instant fashion icon when he escaped out of his owner's car in an Ikea parking lot on Sunday. Ikea should've hired Darwin to be their official door greeter, but they didn't. Animal Services took him instead. Some people were worried that Darwin would be sold to the Kardashians and fed to Khloe (Yes, she's a cannibal. That's how EVIL she is.), but Animal Services sent him to live at the Story Book Farm Primate Sanctuary instead.

The Globe and Mail says that Canadians aren't allowed to own Darwin's species, because they've been known to carry a type of herpes that is extremely dangerous to humans. Obviously, we don't have that same law in the US (see: The Kardashians). After Animal Services checked Darwin out and declared him healthy, they sent his 7-month-old ass to the primate sanctuary. Darwin's owner Yasmin Nakhuda isn't happy about this and she's afraid he's going to freak out without her. Yasmin and Darwin did everything together including showering and she thinks he might gets the serious monkey sads if they stay apart. Yasmin went on to say this:

“How do we know what he needs unless he’s given the right to choose? I think he should be given the right to choose. If he chooses something else than me, that’s fine. For me, it has never been about me, it has always been about him. He is more than a handful: needs to be baby bottle fed night time and needs at least three diaper changes a day. He has to be with me all the time which means he goes with me to the office, sleeps with me, eats with me, showers with me, goes shopping with me."

Yasmin dressed Darwin up in toddler clothes, locked him in her car while she went out shopping and I didn't think she was completely crazy until she said that he showers with her. Monkeys have been known to bite off human faces when they get spooked, so she's crazy for putting her bare crotch that close to a monkey's face. One small move and RIP, there goes your sex life right into a monkey's stomach. I don't think anybody wants to have to write on their Grindr profile: "I can't cum anymore since my monkey friend tore my fuck parts off, but send me a naked pic anyway!"

And here's another reason why Darwin is probably in a better place. Yasmin made him wear overalls. OVERALLS!

Does she think he's Justin Bieber or some shit?

So in totally not orchestrated to keep her non-working ass in the news news, Radar is reporting that the cat fight between Mother-Of-The-Year and her spawn (not Ali but what's-her-crack) was not over $40K that Lindsay allegedly gave her mom to pay the coke dealer gave her mother to keep her home out of foreclosure then tried to take back, but over REHAB!! Grab a cup of bitch, please, stir in a couple of spoonfuls of stfd and stfu and join me in trying to internalize this. (NOT LIKE THAT!!! Gross).

So Linds, as the story goes, got into it with her mom in a trashy free for all brawl that I wish someone would upload on youtube, not because of money but because Linds at 4am, after clubbing, decided the time was right to bring up her mom's need for weaning herself off the bad shit. I think I speak for everyone when I say HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

Okay, first. When LiLo is checking your ass up, you have some major issues that are far beyond the free clinic's repertoire. I don't think they've created a rehab on this level of CODE 10 MAN DOWN WTMFF situation. Second, when you are throwing fists at your Mom/daughter on the front lawn and you don't live in a trailer, you have lost at life. I don't know who to feel sorry for here. Between Michael Lohan's release of the recorded conversation to Dina "kidnapping" her daughter to Lindsay telling her mom that SHE needs rehab (she does, but I mean come on. It's like a homeless man telling you to get a job), I guess I'll just feel sorry for all of us who have to read about this mess.

What would Dr. Phil say??? At least Scallywagandvagabond says they kissed and made up later. Collecive Awwwwwwww...wtf.

(Thank you M.E.!)

Princess Beatrice's 11-year-old Norfolk terrier Max is laid up in the Royal infirmary with a jacked up ear and shank marks on his face, because he was straight jumped by The Queen's gang of not-the-one Corgis. Yeah, go ahead and add "The Queen's Corgis" under the Crips and the Bloods on the list of gangs not to fuck around with.

The Telegraph says that during a walk through The Queen's castle in Scotland, her six Corgis got "overexcited" when Max joined their group and attacked his ass. The Queen's dog boy (not to be confused with Camilla) tried to break those bitches up, but it was too late and Max was left yelping in pain like the time he walked in on Prince Charles fresh out of the shower. Cut to the source:

"The Queen's dog boy was taking the corgis for a walk and they were joined by the Norfolk terriers, which came with Prince Andrew. They were being taken along the long corridor leading to the Tower Door before being let into the grounds for a walk, and they all became overexcited. They began fighting among themselves and unfortunately the dog boy lost control. The next thing we knew there were horrific yelps and screams and it seems the corgis picked on Max. He was very badly injured and had to be taken to the local vet. There was blood everywhere.

The Queen and the Duke were very upset when they were told but the dog is really Beatrice's and she wasn't there either. She later came up to Scotland and has been looking after Max. He was very lucky to survive. I heard the Princess was very upset because another of her Norfolk terriers, Millie, died from natural causes just a week or so before."

Because this source uses the word "overexcited," it sounds like those nasty Corgis got lipstick, tried to get sexy with Max and when Max let them know he doesn't like them like that, they roughed a poor bitch up. And this source needs to stop lying for The Queen, because you know she was there. The Queen is not going to miss a good brawl. She was probably there hollerin' at her Corgis like, "Whoop that trick, ese!"

Poor Max, but I'm sure Princess Bea will defend his honor. Those bitchy Corgis think they got the last bite, but they're wrong. Never mess with a Princess who can leave a bite mark on your face just by flinching at you while flaring her giant Chiclet teeth.

I know, I'm wrong for that headline, because I'd like to think that tortured creature has better taste than to get with that bitch. Be more specific as to which tortured creature I'm talking about, you say? I'm talking about the bitch who looks stoned? More specific than that? Okay, the bitch who has lipstick! Okay shit, I'm talking about the bitch who wasn't in The OC? Is that more specific?

But seriously, that "given up on life" look in that pooch's eyes tell me that he's had it and knows that the quickest way to get a one-way ticket up to the heavens is to lick his way to an overdose by slurping on Mischa Barton's cokey lips. Nothing says "goodbye, cruel world, I'm done with you" like tongue kissing Mischa Barton.

Here's a few more of Mischa and her dog friend at the opening of her clothing store in London last night. Yes, her clothing store. That Mischa Barton has a store that sells clothes. Yeah, total drug front. #laundermoneybitch

Forget the Battle For Suri and Losing Nahla '12, the real custody war we should all be focusing on is the one between RPattz and Kristen Stewart over their fur child Bear Pattinson-Stewart. Finally, a hobo hipster version of Kramer vs. Kramer with 100% more lip-biting, fleas (not from Bear) and vamp sparkles. Cue up the Vivaldi!

Bear was saved from flying up to heaven when RPattz and KStew adopted him from a high-kill shelter in New Orleans sometime last year. Before KStew wrecked her happy home by letting a married director wreck her bland coochie with his tongue (Why did I type that?), she and RPattz were planning to adopt another fur kid from a high-kill shelter in L.A. But Radar says those plans are off and now KStew will try to attempt the impossible by changing her one emotion from "duuuuuuuuurr" to "raaaaaaaaaaaaage" while fighting RPattz for Bear. You probably already heard what Radar's source had to say about this when CNN covered this HIGHLY IMPORTANT NEWS STORY last night, but read it again. It's that important.

“After Rob moved his things out of their Los Angeles home, he then told Kristen he wanted Bear. She was heartbroken – they adopted Bear together and she always felt that he was their little baby. But Rob was so hurt by Kristen’s actions he decided that he wants the dog to help him get over what happened. After all, a dog is a man’s best friend and Bear is such a good companion. However, Kristen won’t give up Bear in a hurry. She helped Rob save Bear from Parvo disease, which nearly took its life when it was a puppy. She wants joint custody – and it could get a little messy.”

Let's break this down for Bear Pattinson-Stewart.

Kristen Stewart getting sole custody:
Cons - Bear will have to live full-time with Kristen Stewart. I can stop there, because that is a huge con, but I'll keep going. And the bitches at the dog park will always make fun of his ass for having a mom who was in that Twatlight shit.
Pros - Bear will have to live full-time with Kristen Stewart,  which means his 500 daily naps will be extra deep since he'll always be bored from looking at her boring face. And Bear will always feel clean and pristine next to KStew's dirty ass.

RPattz getting sole custody:
Cons - Bear runs the risk of Twihard saliva falling on his head when one of RPattz's crazed fans slobbers all over his owner during one of their walks. And the bitches at the dog park will always make fun of his ass for having a dad who was in that Twatlight shit.
Pro - Bear won't have to live full-time with Kristen Stewart.

Based on all of that, I say give sole custody to RPattz and let KStew have supervised visits every other week. If KStew can't make her scheduled visit (because she's too busy rubbing her box on married man tongue, obviously), then just let Bear spend some quality time with a piece of bleached chicken leather. He won't know the difference.

The Los Angeles County Health Department opened up a file for Aubrey O'Day's dirty anal adventures and it wasn't for the usual dirty anal adventures they investigate her for. Aubrey HoingDayandNight (aka the most famous person on Celebrity Apprentice) took her living fashion accessories, Ginger (the Poochie wannabe on the left) & Mary Ann (the cotton candy with legs on the right) to lunch the other day at Toast and let them rub their dyed doggy assholes all over the patio table. It could've been worse, Aubrey could've been the one scooting her b-hole across the table, which she's known to do.

The Health Department rang the alarm after they watched a video on TMZ of Ginger and Mary Ann dropping some poop dust and tapeworm saliva on the table. They paid a visit to Toast and let them off with a warning: "Pets shall not be allowed on chairs, seats, benches and tables. The Health Dept would like people to enjoy eating with their pets ... but we also want people to be respectful to other people."

Coming from a gross bitch like me who once ate a chicken salad sandwich next to the bathroom on a Chinatown bus from NYC to Boston, this doesn't bother me as much as it should. But what does bother me is that the servers at Toast failed to see the S.O.S. in the table. I mean, Ginger and Mary Ann obviously only scooted across that table to write "HELP US" in skid marks.

There's really nothing for me to add to this gripping as fuck tale of how Shakira's brother "Super Tony" bravely saved her from getting mauled to death by a seal, so I'll just let her tell you in her own words. How she can operate a keyboard after nearly getting murdered by a seal is beyond me. The woman is so..so..so...brave. From Shakira's Facebook (via People):

This afternoon I happened to see some sea lions and seals. I thought to myself how cute they were so I decided to get a bit closer than all of the other tourists and went down to a rock trying to pet them doing a baby talk while taking pictures... Suddenly, one of them jumped out of the water so fast and impetuously that it got about one foot away from me, looked me in the eye, roared in fury and tried to bite me. Everyone there screamed, including me. I was paralyzed by fear and couldn't move, I just kept eye contact with it while my brother "Super Tony" jumped over me and literally saved my life, taking me away from the beast. We both got our hands and legs scratched by the rocks while trying to protect ourselves. I believe what happened is that it confused the shiny reflection of the blackberry I was taking these pics with, with some sort of fish. It probably thought I was teasing it with food and then taking it away from it. Wow! It's funny that only half an hour before I was complaining to my guide Andrew that I never get to see wild animals up close on adventurous trips. Oh well, I can't say that anymore!! Now I'm off to see some penguins! I hope they are a bit more friendly!

Seriously, is Shakira trying to make us believe that the seal mistook her BlackBerry for a damn fish? Shakira is basically calling that seal a dumb bitch! Shakira is leaving something out, I'm sure. I bet that Shakira started to serenade that seal and since her singing voice sounds like a hurt goat in trauma, the seal tried to eat her. Because seals obviously like to eat goats. Shakira is lying and that seal's good name must be cleared. Somebody drag Shakira's hips in for an interrogation since those motherfuckers always tell the truth.

What started out as a feel good story about a firefighter rescuing an Argentine mastiff from an icy lake ended with the news anchor getting messed up in the lips. Kyle Dyer of Denver 9 News was almost done interviewing the dog's owner and the firefighter when she got closer to Gladiator Maximus (I can't with that name) and the ho bit her ass hard. Paramedics were called and Kyle had to be taken to the hospital where she underwent reconstructive surgery for injuries on her lips. Kyle's co-anchor said that it could take a few weeks for her to fully recover and she won't be back on the air for a while.

The day before, Max fell into a cold ass lake while trying to catch a coyote. The news covered his rescue and Max sort of became a local star for the day. So Denver 9 News brought Max, his owner Michael Robinson and firefighter Tyler Sugaski into the station to talk about it. Max and Kyle seemed like they were bonding on a real level at first. Kyle pet Max and he didn't look like he wanted her lips in his stomach as he gazed into her face. But when Kyle got a little closer, Max lunged at her.

Animal Control was also called to the station and they took Max to doggy jail. Max has been quarantined for 10 days to make sure he doesn't have rabies. A rep for the Denver Environmental Health department told the NYDN that once those 10 days are up, a judge will decide what happens to Max. Max's owner was also hit with three citations for not having his dog on a leash, allowing his dog to bite and not updating his dog's rabies vaccination.

On one hand, Kyle has probably seen too many Disney movies and thinks that dogs just love it when a stranger tries to kiss on their face without an invitation. (Obviously, Kyle should sue Disney for this.) Kyle thought she was going to have a precious "Lady and the Tramp" moment with Max and he gave her a Cujo moment instead. On the other hand, Max's owner needs to be sentenced to three months in Cesar Millan's Academy of Dumb Fuck Owners for obvious reasons.

And I think Max being stressed the hell out has a lot to do with the fact that his owner named him Gladiator Maximus.

As a pimp, mother and professor of fame whoring 101, Pimp Mama Kris never felt as proud as when one of her youngest, Kylie Jenner, Tweeted this picture of Khloe Kardashian's massive Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade head floating next to the dude who some tabloids say could be her biological father.

That Michael McDonald meets Tummi Bear motherfucker is Alex Rodan and he's been Kris Jenner's hairstylist for over 30 years. That explains why he has that "I've seen the crown of Lucifer" look in his eye. Some think that one night many years ago, Alex rose on his haunches, mounted Pimp Mama Kris and howled into the night sky as they made Khloe. They've all denied it. But that didn't stop Kylie Jenner from pulling a stunt for show. Kylie Tweeted this weird-looking picture from a Kardashian family photo shoot today and then she quickly said she it was a joke.

Alex does have the same Berenstain Bears look that Khloe has, but if he was her real father the Kuntrashians wouldn't announce it in a stupid Tweet. They'd announce it in a 20-page spread for All Bear Magazine, a 4-hour E! paternity test event sponsored by Alpo and an interview with People Pets.

In what has to be one of the weirdest American traditions next to stabbing each other's faces off for a 10% off Xbox360 controller the day after Thanksgiving, hundreds pulled themselves out of bed to gather around Punxsutawney Phil's burrow hole in Pennsylvania to predict if we'll have six more weeks of whatever season we're in. The weather tells me that it's not winter, because I wore a t-shirt yesterday and didn't get frostbite to the nipples. This is like winter in hell. YAY for global warming! Let's all raise a can of Aqua Net and spray until the hole in the ozone layer spreads wider than a power bottom on DP Tuesdays at the bathhouse. Keep spraying until it's ten million degrees everywhere, we're all in our thongs we can't walk down the street without tripping over a seal.

Anyway, Punksatwatney Phil pulled his fat, lazy, works-one-day-a-year ass out of his burrow hole this morning and locked eyes with his shadow. Whatever. Phil doesn't know his asshole from his shadow. I would trust the weather prediction skills of a gerbil out of Richard Gere's burrow hole before I would ever trust Phil. We should just let Phil live his lazy life by letting him sleep in on February 2nd. Besides, Phil needs his rest, because in a couple of years, winter will not exist and the heat will bring him out of his burrow hole forever. Phil will have to shave his coat off and drag himself across the desert to bitch fight a seal for the last drop of water in a discarded Poland Springs bottle. On that note...

Happy Bill Murray Day, everyone!

And here's some pictures of Phil's Canadian third cousin, The Lesbeaver, shooting scenes for the all-girl remake of Gleaming the Cube in Miami yesterday.