Animal Stories

.....there was PIANO BUNNY! Although, it doesn't take a member of Peta to tell you that Piano Bunny obviously didn't want to be in the spotlight.

Here's a clip from 1983 of some terrifying crazy lady, who I'm pretty sure was Dana Carvey's inspiration for the Church Lady, forcing her pet bunny to play the piano. The loontardian even shouts at the poor creature, "PLAY LIKE YOU DID YESTERDAY!" Obviously, Joe Jackson taught this crazy everything he knows about how to pimp out your young.

Hopefully that bunny got her back by shitting in her ears while she slept. A bunny's poo ball can travel to the BRAIN!

VIA Buzzfeed

Since celebwhores are jizzing over the newest craze micro pigs, it's no surprise that Posh & Becks have jumped into the trough and bought their own adorable oink-ers. The Daily Mail says that Posh dropped £1400 on two tiny teacup pigs for her family. The pigs are currently living in luxury at BeckingHAM Palace in England.

Some source claims that Posh wants to name them Elton & David after her friends Elton John and David Furnish. But Becks thinks they should give them the names Pinky & Perky, which are two words that can be used to perfectly describe his voice.

It's a good thing Posh got her schnoz snipped not too long ago. Because if she didn't, she wouldn't be happy waking up to two tiny pigs suckling on her nipples for leche.

Remember the lady who taught us how to give our pussies a rub down? She has returned and this time she's brought a dog friend names Henry Wrinkler (!!!) with her. Yes, she's teaching us how to massage our dogs.

While watching this I started to take notes so that I can give my own dog a massage later on, but then I thought to myself, "Why in anal gland hell should I massage that ho?!" I mean, I already put food in his bowl every day. I even have to heat it up a little bit, because he likes it warm. AND I pick up his shit out in public while he secretly laughs at me. AND I'm even extra quiet in the morning while he's sleeping so I won't wake his lazy ass. AND now this lady is asking me to massage him?!

Where is the video that teaches dogs how to massage humans? I could use a massage. Better yet, if my dog learned how to massage people he could get licensed and then go out get himself a job. That way he could contribute to this household. Barking, burrowing and ass sniffing doesn't pay the bills (Ryan Gaycrest doesn't count).

And after all that ranting, you know I'll be massaging my dog's head tonight while singing him rhymey songs. A sucker IS me.

VIA Everything Is Terrible

File this under: This is why you don't sleep nekkid with animals who can bite your parts off in the middle of the night (insert a million simultaneous side-eyes here).

About a year ago, one of Bai Ling's ex-boyfriends gave her a $30,000 cheetah-cat as a gift. Bai named the chee-pussy Quiji (pronounced chee-jee). According to crazy ass Bai, Quiji's dad is a cheetah and her mother is a regular ole' domestic cat. Yup, Quiji's mother was a hardcore slut, because she was getting from a damn cheetah.

Anyway, Bai tells PeoplePets that Quiji is her soulmate, because she believes she was a wild pussy in her past life, "In my previous life, I was a cheetah or leopard or some sort of really wild and dangerous animal in nature. But the thing is, Quiji is really the most affectionate, even compared to human beings."

But Quiji is a little too affectionate, because she tried to eat one of Bai's nipples during a make-out session in bed. Bai explained, "I sleep naked ... She was kissing me, and suddenly, she woke up. She saw my nipple, and oh my God, she went for it. If I wasn't fast, my nipple is gone. She thought it was a toy or something."

First of all, we really don't need to know about Bai playing with her pussay in bed. Second of all, THIS CRAZY should not be closing her eyes around a wild animal. This is how bitches lose fingers, faces and more! Bai has some serious nipples, so Quiji probably thought it was a jumbo Tendervittle. Bai could at least sleep with thimbles on her nipples and clitty. Bai does not want to have a "MY PUSSY BITE ME IN MY BAGINA" moment.

Courtney Love must be sick of ventriloquists randomly sticking their fists up her ass to get her to speak, because she has vowed that she will never put her parts under the knife again. Courtney told The Sun that she was scared straight after staring at the luminous face of Jocelyn Wildenstein!

Courtney said, "I could do with another boob lift, but no way. I don't want to end up looking like Jocelyn Wildenstein. She looked freaky."

EXCUSE HER BEAUTY! This just confirms that Courtney Love is just like that crackhead leprechaun of Alabama: on the wrong stuff! Who wouldn't want the face of a hemorrhoid in mid-squeeze? I mean, Jocelyn's beauty is so scorchingly hot that her face singes her own eyebrows (example above).

Every Halloween, bitches of all ages and sizes stuff their asses into fishnets to walk the streets looking like they will suck every last dollar out of you. But why should humans be the only ones doing ho shit on October 31st? Let's drags our pets down the slut road too! Pimps up, dogs down!

Consumerist pointed my ass to a few sites selling "sexy dog Halloween costumes" and matching whore outfits for you too! You can dress your dog up as a "Sexy Alice in Wonderland Scarecrow" (whatever the dick that is) or as a "naughty French maid." Blame Paris Hilton.

I'm going to save my coins, because my dog already walks around like a big skankity skank skank. I mean, he struts the streets totally nekkid and that's about as whorey as you can get.

You might have already read about pet "teacup pigs" being all the rage right now. So, of course, Parasite Hilton had to get on that by dropping $4,500 for her very own micro piggy from Oregon. Wonky's new toy has already arrived and she named her "Miss Pigelette." Apparently, unlike Wonky, Miss Pigelette is already potty-trained.

Wonky's spokesbitch said: "Paris is thrilled! She is a major animal lover and is excited for the arrival of her new piglette."

Just because Wonky is always in the doggy-style position doesn't make her a "major animal lover."

Poor piggy is going to get bullied around by Wonky's crotch crustaceans! They are going to nip at it and force it to hide underneath the sofa. And if that's not bad enough, the swine probably has the Wonky Flu by now. Why isn't Peta parachuting into Wonky's house to save that piglet!

Speaking of "poor creatures in distress," here's Wonky at the opening of Carnival in NYC the other night with a chimp. Why is that chimp kissing on Wonky? Doesn't he know where her mouth has been?! Free clinic, here he comes. Sad faces all around.

There's really no better way to start my morning than with a visit with the Cleopatara (Queen of DeBile) of our time: Jocelyn Wildenstein. Last night, I was wondering why all the alley cats in my neighborhood were clawing their own eyes out and throwing themselves in front of incoming traffic. I figured Parasite Hilton queefed again. But no, they were mad with hysteria because their QUEEN is in town!

Jocelyn and her main pussy plumper Lloyd Klein hit the streets of NYC last night. And I'm sure dozens of bystanders hit the sidewalk when Jocelyn flashed her rock hard chest nalgas and her gorgeous "bee sting victim" face. Jocelyn's beauty is so intensely hot that she burned half of her own eyebrows off!

Jessica Simpson's beloved dog friend Daisy faked her own dognapping to get away from the dumbass was captured by the coyotes on Monday and she pleaded to the coyotes to return her safely, but so far she hasn't gotten an answer. So Jessica has taken her search to the next level by hiring Detective La Toya to get to the bottom of Daisy's disappearance. No, but she should have done that. Instead, Jessica has hired a company called FindToto.com.

The company issued an Amber Alert on Daisy and called 1,000 of Jessica's closest neighbors. The company thinks Daisy might be hurt, so they asked people to check their yards and under their decks.

I wonder if FindToto paid a little visit to the douche den of Twit & Twat, because I read this at People earlier today: Spencer Pratt surprised Heidi Montag Tuesday morning with a 9-week-old female maltipoo. "Spencer gave me the best gift ever, a maltipoo puppy that we have named Dolly."

I mean, Spencer is a mangy beast who constantly slobbers, so maybe he's really the one who snatched Daisy.

VIA UsWeekly

The neverending shoot for The Bounty is finally FINALLY finally over and this has Jennifer Aniston WORRIED! Page Six says that even though both Jenny and Gerard Butler denied sexy business was going on between them, there was definitely something there. But now that Gerard Butler has left NYC with his pug Lolita, the always "lonely and miserable" Jenny is afraid the love will die. Uh oh, if Jenny has the sads, this means every Entenmann's cake in the Tri-State area will soon be gone. My ass better stock up today.

And I knew that Lolita was trouble! That homewrecking little slut bitch! I mean, her name is LOLITA. Lolita is the new St. Angie.

But seriously, Jenny should know that it's not her, it's Gerard Butler's peen. His heart may say "stay," but his dick will always say "mo' mo' vagina." It's the way of the manslut.