Animal Stories

The trailer for the greatest movie of the year has arrived! Now, I knew this movie had talking chihuahuas in it, but it also has production numbers! I think this cinematic masterpiece was made just for me. Disney must be hacking into my brain. I wouldn't doubt it.

You know the chihuahuas in this movie are going to pose nude in Vanity Fair next year. Well, they are part of the Disney whore machine. They can't help it!

What the fuckity fuck did I just watch? Am I high? Did somebody slip me an acid tab?

I watched this mess at least 5 times and I still have ten thousand questions.

Okay, this short movie was made from the 20s or 30s. It's apparently a series of shorts. This one is called "Trouble" and stars Queenie the dog as some sort of tart who finds herself in a situation with some gangster dog. By situation I mean he's assaulting her ass. The most disturbing thing about this little clip, is that the dogs walk on their hind legs the whole time. I don't even want to know how they got the dogs to do that.

I must go and cuddle with my dog now and promise him that I'll never make him wear clothes again.

VIA Best Week Ever

I have a lovely message for you:

Stay the fuck away from us you nasty ass skank!!!!

Love,
The puppies, dogs, kittens, cats, reptiles, birds, ponies, bunnies and ferrets of the world

Hopefully, Wonky gets the message. Although, I don't know how she reads anything with that serious wonk eye. Silly me! That dumb skank can't read.

Here's Wonky terrorizing a poor soul at a pet store yesterday.

Japan's only giant panda, Ling Ling, died of old age today at Tokyo's Ueno Zoo. Ling Ling was 22 years and seven months old. This is the equivalent age of a 70-year-old human. Mourners said a pray for Ling Ling and placed flowers at a makeshift altar near his enclosure. Ling Ling was removed from public viewing two days ago, because he was suffering from heart and kidney failure.

The zookeeper said, "Ling Ling was a representative of our zoo. He died peacefully. I think he lived a full life."

Ling Ling was the only giant panda owned by Japan. There's 8 giant pandas in Japan, but they are all being leased by China.

R.I.P. Ling Ling!

Source

Hot slut of the millennium! Some hot doggy decided to show Natalie Portman just how he felt about her in a NYC park the other day. Natalie was walking her dog when she decided to bend down. That's when this pooch pounced on the chance to take a wizz on Queen Amidala. That hot bitch was obviously "pissed" off with Natalie for some reason.

It probably took every bone in the vegan's body not to beat that dog's ass. Her next shoe line will be made out of naughty dogs that piss on Oscar nominees.

Source: Huffington Post

Thanks Casio

Oscar the cockatoo has been dubbed "The World's Ugliest Bird." Oscar has lived at Florida's humane society for the past 12 years. She has a disease called beak and feather disease. It causes her feathers to grow all wonky and irritating, so she plucks them out. She still has feathers on her head, because she can't reach those. Eventually the disease will affect her beak and nails.

Yes, she's a girl. Couldn't they have named her Oscarina, at least?

Oscar has become an internet superstar, because the bitch has serious moves. She dances around her cage...naked. SLUT!

Oscar is not the world's ugliest bird. That title will forever and always belong to Paris Hilton.

Another talk show host's beloved pet has passed away. At least Sophie Winfrey won't be alone. Martha Stewart blogged that her dog, Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow, passed away on Saturday. He was almost 13. She's going to need three tombstones to hold his full name.

She wrote:

Paw Paw was a spectacular chow and an even more spectacular dog. He was always my loyal companion, displaying the most agreeable temperament. Paw Paw loved traveling with me and was always a willing model for the camera. In addition to taking part in television commercials and several national print ads, he has been part of numerous photo shoots and is a familiar face on my television show, in my magazine, and on this blog.

Even in his final days, Paw Paw just stopped eating and drifted off to deep sleeps, where he now rests peacefully, and, I’m most confident, quite happily. I will miss him, always.

I'm expecting a full video montage of Paw Paw's happier days from Martha very shortly. It's nice to hear that Paw Paw was a nice Chow, because every Chow that I have met is a straight up bitch! I don't know how many Chows have tried to bite my claw off. Wait...maybe Chows are the only dogs that can sense the pure evil in me. Yeah, that's probably it.

R.I.P. Paw Paw!

VIA UsWeekly

A department store in London has started selling $100 shots of cat shit coffee. The beans are harvested from the caca of the civet cat from Indonesia. De Longhi makes the extremely rare coffee that is said to be the best of the best. Only 573 pounds of the coffee is produced a year.

They basically feed the pussy some coffee beans and wait for it to shit. A spokesperson for the store said, "The cats select the best beans to chew. It's rather like a natural filtering process." The shit is available for $100 a shot or in 3.5oz packs for the same price.

And I thought my coffee tasted like shit. That pussy is looking at me like, "Hahaha....you are eating my caca and paying for it. Meeeeow." No gracias. I'm already full of shit. I don't need anymore.

Source

Thanks Katherine

Wonky McValtrex was recently in South Africa with Benji Madden and had the locals laughing at her ass, because she wanted to know how much a cheetah cost.

A source told Gatecrasher, "Every time Paris saw something she liked, like a woman's dress, she would ask how much it was. That included a cheetah she saw at an animal park. She asked how much it was and said, 'If I bought a cheetah, would it run away from me or could I keep it?'"

Here is the answer to the cheetah question, "Paris, a cheetah will never run away from you as long as you sleep with it every single night. You also must douse yourself in cow blood before going to bed with it. You know how some puppies love to sleep with a wind up clock, because it reminds them of their mother's heart? Well, cow blood reminds cheetahs of their mother. If they start to bite at you a little bit, let them do it. They are only playing and showing how much they love you. Don't call for help, because then you will get them deported. You don't want that."

Jim Mydlach used to be the head of security for Siegfried and Roy back in the day. Naturally, he's putting out a tell-all entitled "The Secret Life of Siegfried and Roy." In the book, Jim recalls when Sahara, their beloved tiger, died of kidney failure. Roy demanded that Jim helped in cremating the cat.

Jim writes, "By this time, Sahra had gone into rigor mortis, so there was no hope of stuffing the huge animal into the tiny furnace. But Roy . . . didn't want to hear it. He wanted the cat cremated and brought back to the house as soon as possible, and he insisted the ashes had to still be warm when he got them."

The vet told Jim to "cut her up." Jim did as he was told and said it was the "worst experience of his life." He went on to write that Roy kept the ashes of all his deceased animals. "He had shelves of urns lined up in his bedroom, each containing the ashes of his dogs and big cats," Jim writes.

HEEEEEEELLLL NO! I am all for being a dedicated employee, but damn! This is when you gently put down the tiger's body and politely say, "I QUIT THIS BITCH!"

Source: Page Six