Animal Stories

The neverending shoot for The Bounty is finally FINALLY finally over and this has Jennifer Aniston WORRIED! Page Six says that even though both Jenny and Gerard Butler denied sexy business was going on between them, there was definitely something there. But now that Gerard Butler has left NYC with his pug Lolita, the always "lonely and miserable" Jenny is afraid the love will die. Uh oh, if Jenny has the sads, this means every Entenmann's cake in the Tri-State area will soon be gone. My ass better stock up today.

And I knew that Lolita was trouble! That homewrecking little slut bitch! I mean, her name is LOLITA. Lolita is the new St. Angie.

But seriously, Jenny should know that it's not her, it's Gerard Butler's peen. His heart may say "stay," but his dick will always say "mo' mo' vagina." It's the way of the manslut.

Am I having some kind of acid flashback, because I don't even know what I'm looking at. Slap me or stick an ice cube up my ass, because this does not feel like real life! Stacy Haiduk, who plays Mary Jane on The Young and the Restless, brought this puss purse as her date to the Daytime Emmy Awards tonight in L.A.. Don't worry, she kept a little bag of Tender Vittles up her ass to feed her cat later. FUCKERY!

I'm guessing that this is just a stuffed animal (the toy kind) bag and not an actual taxirdermy cat, because if that was the case PETA would be on this bitch like crabs on Parasite Hilton. PETA wouldn't throw a bag of flour on her like they did with LiLo, they'd throw an entire wheat field on this bitch! They wouldn't cover her in just a little paint, they would drop an entire Glidden factory on her head!

Stacy is all sorts of wrong for bringing her creepy purssy out in public! This piece of horrific fuckery should be kept at home.....in a trunk....a padlocked trunk. And I'm no Sylvia Browne, but I'm going to predict that we will all have the same star of our nightmares tonight: THIS PUSS PURSE! It's eyes are alive and it's gonna git you!

UPDATE: Thanks to zoohouse3 for letting my ass know that Stacy's character on the show is a Crazy McCrazy who thinks her dead cat is a real one. The stuffed cat she brought to the Emmys tonight is also the one she uses on the show. Stacy still needs to keep her creepy purssy in the studio! The children are crying!

I know, I know, but I had to. It was lying there, glistening in the light, just begging me to pluck it. It was too easy. And by the by, this was one of UsWeekly's top stories today. I love it. TGIF!

This headline wrapped me in a pink faux-fur throw, handed me a glass of pink champagne in a pink crystal flute and whispered the lyrics of Brit Brit's "I Was Born To Make You Happy" in between blowing pink bubbles in my face. This is exactly why I spend 99.9999% of my day skipping through the internet. I feel like I've just won Mega Millions.

But pink fluffiness aside, this is a serious and sad story! A dog friend is missing! Brian Dortort of Wilton Manors, FL said that he was at a gay bar called Georgie's Alibi (no-no explosion #1) with his pet chihuahua Hudson Hayward Hemingway (no-no explosion #2), when a man with Britney Spears' name tattooed on his arm or neck (no-no explosion #3) asked if he could hold the dog. When Brian turned around, HHH was gone along with his carrying case (no-no explosion #4)

Brian is asking for the public's help to find little Hudson Hayward Hemingway! Brian says HHH is a 4-month-old Chihuahua about the size of a softball, light-cream colored with a pink belly, pink ears and pink earrings (no-no explosion #5,6,7,8,9).

And now while you're searching for Hudson Hayward Hemingway (SPOILER ALERT: he ran the fuck away when he got the chance), I need to chase down the mobile clinic that just left the front of my building, because I think I might be having a seizure.

Source: NBCMiami VIA Buzzfeed

Trace Cyrus isn't going to just lay around in his stall, chewing on carrots while nursing a broken heart. No, Trace is going to show that Demi Lovato chick that he is moving on. Last night in Hollywood, Trace galloped down the streets with a Demi look-alike he probably leased from Craigslist.

The two just couldn't resist their animal attraction towards each other, so they mouth fucked in front of the paps. While everyone who was witnessing lost all feeling in their genitals, the Demi wannabe lost her dignity. It's a fair trade!

And when Trace is finished doing Equus shit with that chick, he needs to immediately report to The Maury Povich Studios. I'm pretty sure that Trace's true parents are Jesse Camp and Flicka. The truth must be revealed!

Cats are better at this internet stuff than all of us! Not only can they ruin your life by framing you for downloading child porn, but they can also start a Facebook profile so that they can stalk your ex-junked-up-husband. The Sun says that Wino's pussy, Shirley, now has her own Facebook page and is using it to post messages to Blaaaaaaaaaaaake.

Shirley, who might be lapping up a little heroin milk before she posts, wrote this message on his wall: "Oi mummy was saying to her friend about th time she made you breakfast an you drank all th nesquik til you was sick xxxxxxx." In another message, Shirley's paws typed out: "Sailor sort it you're her co-hort. consort still. as you both know you're unswerving. just as much as you're deserving."

Shirley's charms have worked, because Blaaaaake quickly changed his relationship status from "Single" to "It's complicated." A couple of days later, "It's complicated" became "MARRIED."

And before you start thinking that Wino is pretending to be Shirley, think again. Do you really think Wino knows how to spell that well? Like she can really spit out more than 5 words without passing out on the keyboard. This is all Shirley. Just look at that picture of Shirley. You can tell she's a slutty crackheaded puss who will stop at nothing to steal a bitch's man. Wino, come get your life back from that skank Shirley!

This is a video of a hot bitch named Ginger licking on a sessy blonde while a tattooed hunk bites on another sessy blonde. No, this is not a little morning orgy porn, this is a clip from a Canadian news show of a dog adoption segment which....well....went to the dogs. All I can say is that at least there wasn't any lipstick involved. Well, except for the lipstick that Ginger licked off the blonde. It's just a little G-rated bestiality!

But the best part is the punchline at the 3:36 mark. Pretty much sums it all up.

VIA Fark

No, this is not a picture of Kate Gosselin's possum head in better days. This is an expertly Photoshopped picture of some kind of animal creature named Max. According to The Sun, Max is Britain's perfect pet! Max is also a perfect nightmare!

So, Scientists pushed aside less important projects like "finding a cure for cancer" and "finding out what exactly made Jon Gosselin turn full douche" to study what makes the perfect pet. They took to the streets and asked 2,000 people what kind of traits they look for when choosing an animal friend. Based on those results, they came up with this!

Max has the ears of a rabbit, the face of a cat, the body of a golden retriever and the tail of a horse. Max sleeps for 9 hours a day and he loves taking walks. And he will probably suck the life out of you when you sleep or chew at your toes when you're sitting on the couch.

You know, they should've asked my ass what traits I look for in a perfect pet. The perfect pet to me is one who doesn't piss on my shoes, who doesn't bark when I have a hangover and who will go out and get a job so it can support my ass. Can Max do all that? If so, send me two of him and I'll find a way to deal with his creepy looks.

If you ever get busted by the cops, put on a Hazmat-made rubber glove, reach into Keith R. Griffin's pocket and pull out the "MAH PUSSY IZ 2 BLAME" excuse. The cops will laugh at you until they turned inside out, but at least you've entertained a bunch of police officers. That's what 48-year-old Keith did.

This dumb fuck was arrested and charged with 10 counts of possession of child pornography after detectives found about 1,000 pictures of child porn on his computer. Keith put the blame on his cat! This mega idiot said that he would regularly leave his computer on while he was away and his cat would jump on the keyboard. Keith said that whenever he would return, he would find strange shit downloaded to his hardrive. I CAN'T WITH YOU, Keith! Although, the more that I think about it, this does make sense....

The other night I was at my friend's house and I think her pussy made me smoke a joint filled with heaven's grass. I didn't want to, but it made me. And whenever I go to my mom's house, her cat (don't make me say the p word) makes me eat pounds of In-N-Out. Again, it forces me to do this against my will! I have no choice. Think about it. Look at Maru. That pussy is acting like he's so cute, jumping out of boxes and hiding in shit. You know he's up to some evilness. Maru is in those boxes making bombs and planning our demise. Cats are the EVIL of the world. Click. It all makes sense.

You know Keith is going to be sitting in a prison cell holding his freshly dicked asshole so that his organs don't fall out, while his cat is lounging around somewhere thinking, "That's what you get for switching my Fancy Feast to that generic shit." Payback is a PUSSAY!

Source (Thanks Benny)

It's here! The Snuggie for dogs! It will terrify your dog more than Michael Vick's headshot!

The Snoggie gives your dog yet another reason to hate your ass even more and slowly smother you while you sleep! If you make your dog wear a Snuggie, don't be surprised if you wake up to find a tiny pillow in his paws. You asked for it! I mean, it's fine if you want to look like an asshole who creams your Snuggie whenever your latest "friend" from the Teddy Bear of the Month Club arrives, but don't take your dog down with you!

Although, if your dog gets cold while watching TV and sipping hot chocolate on cold winter nights, then maybe you should get him a Snuggie. And if you've actually seen your dog change the channel with the remote, then maybe you should go to rehab.

Don't even ask if I'm getting my dog a Snuggie! DON'T! Yes, I dress him up in a green Santa Claus costume every Christmas. Yes, I regularly put a blonde wig on his head and make him dance around to Britney songs, but I'm not pathetic enough to get him a Snuggie. As if.

However, the talking doggy tag looks like it could come in handy. You can record yourself saying stuff like (in a doggy voice of course), "You rook beautiful" and "I ruv you." That way when you get the sads, you can ask your dog, "How do I look?" All you gotta do is push the button and feel the warmth in your heart when you hear him say, "You rook beautiful." You're welcome, Aniston!

Source VIA The Frisky