Animal Stories

Kim Zolciak of The Real Housewives of Atlanta can relate to both Britney Spears and Michael Jackson. Kim understands the beast known as fame (not to be confused with the beast on her head nicknamed "famewhore"). Kim talks about this in an interview she gave to Popeater that was delivered down to us by the baby angels. For serious. Kim is really the grand dame of delusional! Example: "I feel bad for Britney Spears, I look at her and I'm like they just tear up one side and down the other! Then the next month, she's doing so great, she's lost weight, she's a great mom all of a sudden. I kind of sympathize with her because I take a lot of that heat myself." Oh and it gets better....

"I wasn't into Michael Jackson, back in the day I was, but then when he did pass, I'm like everybody else, I bought all his songs. He was so super, super talented and it's pretty terrible. Although I can understand how it could happen. I understand the fame. My life changed in such a short period of time, I can't imagine what he dealt with. Sometimes, emotionally, it's taken its toll on me, never mind him who is far bigger worldwide."

Oh, Kim, you are more famous than Brit Brit and Michael Jackson combined. Well, that's if you count all the voices inside her wig as fans.

If you drive by Kim's luxurious townhouse on any day of the week, you will see a mob of paparazzi and fans fighting just to get one peek of her. Yes, you'll notice that the paps are a little shorter than normal and that's because they are neighborhood kids Kim pays to hold cameras. Just go along with it! Oh and the fans are actually members of the ASPCA trying to capture her wig, but again, go along with it! Just skip through Kim's forest of crazy. It's better for everyone.

And I leave you with another amazing quote about her wig line: "I got so much heat for wearing a hair piece, which is comical because all the girls on the show wear one. I took so much I heat, I was like, I'm gonna turn a negative into a positive. I'm gonna go ahead make it work. Actually, it was really difficult for me to talk about that last year. Now in just a year, I'm able to talk about it, explain my situation and why I ended up in that position and why I still do it today ... 'cause I don't really have to. It's turned into a business venture at this point."

I. Cannot.

Remember Harry on Pepper (on the right during happier times)? They are the dude penguins who fell madly in love with each other at the San Francisco Zoo. For six years, they were just like any other happy normal gay couple. They spent their weekends looking at model homes for fun (Why did I used to do that?), hosted "Golden Girls" themed cocktail parties and even raised a babeh penguin together! Well, the gay penguin love affair of our time has ended. And it's all because of a homewrecking SLUT WHORE SKANK BITCH named LINDA (on the left with Harry)!!!

The SF Examiner says that Linda has stolen Harry from Pepper! Linda is the Sienna Miller of the penguin world! Or maybe she's more like the Liza Minnelli?

Anywhorypenguinwithnomorals, Linda has quite the reputation around those parts as a fish digging skeezer. A few years ago, Linda left her man for a much older penguin named Fig. Linda started rubbing her ice cold crotch all over Fig just a few hours after his woman died! Fig went off to the fake iceberg in the sky this year. A few weeks later, Harry was seen hanging out in Linda's burrow! You know that shameless whore Linda tricked Harry into going into her burrow by telling him she just got the entire last season of AbFab on DVD! Shortly after that, the two were shacking up. It gets worse for poor Pepper...

Not only did Harry leave him for a dirty dirty bird (LITERALLY), but his ex attacked him one day! And not in the sexy way Pepper is used to. No, one day, Linda and Harry wobbled into Pepper's burrow and started pecking at him like they were on The Jerry Springer Show!! The three had to be separated. Pepper was put in a different penguin exhibition while Harry and Linda continued to play house.

However, Pepper is now back in the same exhibit as Harry and Linda. Everyone is watching to see what happens next on All My Eggs. One of the zookeepers said, “It’s molting season in late July and early August, and around that time we see couples getting shaken up. It’ll be interesting to see if Harry spends any of that time with Pepper. We’ll have to wait and see.”

Harry and Pepper will be back together. TRUST. Nobody can toss Harry's feathers the way Pepper does. Harry will never quit Pepper!

That being said, Linda is one of my new idols.

Amber Finney's chichis were the co-stars of the video that made the internet rounds last week and she's explaining why she had a babeh squirrel down her shirt. The video was taken by Warren, Ohio detectives during an interview with Amber about a drive-by shooting she might have witnessed.

Amber says the explanation is simple. A friend brought her an injured baby squirrel right before she was scheduled to meet with the cops. Amber didn't want to leave it alone, so she stuffed it right between her titty cleavage. I guess she felt that dying of suffocation or embarrassment was better than chilling out in a big, airy shoe box.

Amber went on to explain, "It had a broken leg, and I didn't want to leave him alone. You can't take animals into the jail, and it was the only place I could put him.'' Amber's chocha den was already occupied by a family of beavers and they had just extended their lease.

So basically Amber is just a regular St. Francis of Assisi. More like St. Francis of Chichis.

When the squirrel jumped out during her interview with Detective Mackey, Amber put him back in and kept on like some weird shit just didn't go down. Amber was afraid she would get in trouble, but Detective Mackey didn't say anything. Detective Mackey explained, "She didn't acknowledge it, so I didn't. I didn't know if I would embarrass her or what.''

At first, Amber was madder than fish grease and threatened to sue the cops, but now she's loving all the attention. Expect a Vh1 reality show starring Amber's titty balls and a bunch of slutty, drunk squirrels in 3...2...

Amber says the baby squirrel is no longer taking up space in her cleavage. She released it back into the wild. Poor squirrel is never going to be the same. When he sees a pair of plumpy bitties, he's going to go into shock and have the same reaction as this hot bitch on Maury. Never be the same again.

On Mah Boo 360 last night, Andy sent a reporter to Florida for an *EXCLUSIVE* interview with the legendary Bubbles. Bubbles is now retired from the showbiz life and his caretaker says he spends his time listening to soothing flute music and playing with his lovah Sam. Bubbles does all of this while being completely nekkid! I guess that's how most of us are going to spend our later years: in a cage, naked and nibbling on half-bananas.

You know Bubbles got the sads in his heart, because he wanted Mah Boo to feed him a cucumber and not some other dude. You and me both, Bubbles. You and me both. My Slap Chop has been waiting for Mah Boo's cucumber for YEARS.

Squirrels usually pop out of panties, but I've never heard of one popping out of a ho's cleavage before. The cops in Ohio were interrogating a bitch about a murder when a furry friend jumped out to say "Heeeeeelp me." The lady didn't miss a beat and popped that squirrel back in like she was playing a game of Whack-A-Mole.

The police aren't sure what the deal is with the squirrel and they didn't ask. FOR WHY?! This is a question you ask! If a fucking squirrel jumps out of a person's shirt, you ask that bitch where it came from. I mean, maybe the mommy squirrel was in between her nalgas and the daddy squirrel was chilling out under her fopa.

You know Aretha Franklin is snorting at this, because she probably has a whole petting zoo in between her magnificent chichis.

P.S. - That squirrel is definitely not happy.

VIA Buzzfeed

Amy Wino is the unofficial island mother of St. Lucia and has become one with the locals including the stray dogs. The dogs are probably drawn to Wino because her crotch area always smells like rotten brisket in an empty tuna can.

Wino has been bringing back every dog she meets to her rented villa at the Cotton Bay complex, but management has put a stop to it and closed down her makeshift kennel. They are afraid that the flea-ridden beasts will infect the other guests. Yeah, sure, blame it on the poor mutts. It's well know that Wino's body has been the most popular vacation spot for fleas, ticks, scabies, etc.... You know her snatch shrub has more bed bugs on it than a mattress on the street. And the dogs get blamed!

A source told The Sun, “Management initially turned a blind eye to what Amy was doing. But she’s adopted about five or six dogs now. They’re all strays, without the proper vaccinations and they all have fleas. The management did not want the risk of any of the fleas infecting any of the other rooms. So they got a firm of fumigators in to blitz Amy’s quarters and told her not to bring any more animals on site.”

I guess that means Wino's crackhive better cancel its travel plans then. And did they fumigate Wino as well? Homegirl kind of needs to be tarped like a house for a few weeks.

George Clooney once said that his longest relationship was for 18 years with his pet pig Max. They were so close that Georgie even let Max sleep in his bed every now and again. That makes my tail curl and not in a good way.

Max went off to the great big shit pen in the sky in 2006 which left Georgie with a case of the serious SADS. Recently, George wondered how Max is doing up there in heaven, so he hired a psychic to speak to his pig friend. George apparently told a friend, "The psychic told me Max had a great life with me. He is very happy in spirit and still hangs out with me sometimes. I am not sure she was telling the truth but I do want to believe her."

Of course the psychic bitch is going to tell George that Max misses him. What the hell is she going to say? That the angels turned him into bacon?

But seriously, Max and George had a beautiful thing together. The skanks trying to land George should take note. George loves it when you squeal until your vocal cords pop. He also loves it when you take up the whole bed and keep him up half the night with your loud farting. And if you eat your own caca, he'll fall desperately in love with you. Well, pigs do that! Don't blame me. Blame pigs!

The biggest superstar in the universe, Susan Boyle, apparently flipped her beautiful brows last night, because she wanted to see her beloved friend Pebbles. Susan was due to perform in the Britain's Got Talent concert in Liverpool, but the producers pulled her from the line-up and ordered her to go lie down.

The Daily Mail says Susan began begging for her cat (don't make me write the p-word) earlier in the afternoon on the balcony of her Liverpool hotel room. Don't cry for me Pebbles the pussy (I can't help it)!

One hotel guest said Susan was shouting, "I want my cat. I need my cat." A rep for BGT denies Susan lost it over Pebbles and said, "She had a rest day. She was feeling tired and she decided not to perform." This is the third performance Susan has canceled. Nobody knows if she's going to sing in Cardiff tonight.

Pebbles is Susan's bestest friend and confidante, so why isn't her main pussy pal with her at all times? Those dumb whores who work for Susan should have dropped everything and delivered Pebbles to SuBo's loving arms to ease her craziness. Even Jennifer Aniston's dog Norman never leaves her side on set and gets the royal treatment! And Susan is a way bigger star than that bitch!

When Miriam Sakewitz watches Peter Cottontail or Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, bitch probably creams her chonies non-stop (it's like creamed carrots), because she is crazy for bunnies. Bonkers 4 bunnies. You could call her a bunnyhead or a bunny-holic. If there's a bunny around, she wants to get her portly paws on it!

The 47-year-old, who was nicknamed "Bunny Lady" by the locals in Portland, Oregon, was arrested on Tuesday at a hotel after a maid found dozens of bunny rabbits hopping around in her room. This was a direct violation of Miriam's probation, because in 2006 a judge ordered her loontardian ass to stay at least 100 yards from any bunny rabbit. Why do I picture Bugs Bunny winking at her from 100 yards and trying to lure her over with his fluffy tail?

In 2006, police discovered 250 bunnies inside Miriam's home and 100 dead bunnies in her freezer. Bitch's house was like the inside of Richard Gere's ass (he has since upgraded from gerbils)!

The bunnies were taken from her, but you can't keep a crazy bunny hoarder down for long, because she broke into the facility where they were being stored and stole them back. She was arrested and a judge put on her probation for 5 years.

In 2007, Miriam struck again! Her probation officer got a vewwwwy vewwwwwy strange feeling that Miriam was shacking up with bunnies again. A bunny wasn't found in her house, but the officer did find a 10-pound bag of carrots. Miriam was sentenced to 3 days in jail.

They need to just stick this ho in a cage filled with bunny butt nuggets and throw away the key, because precious bunnies don't deserve this shit! All bunnies are sweet and lovely. Actually, not all. I had a pet bunny once who bit my fingers every time I tried to pet him. I didn't mind it though, because he winked at me a lot and kept himself pretty by always making sure his eyes were perfectly lined with liquid liner.

And how long before we see this bunnyhead on Obsessed?

Source

Jen Nestor knew that some shit was not right with her dog Jack after he finished off three plates of nachos, barked about conspiracy theories, watched 4-hours of Yo Gabba Gabba! and howled at everything she said. Jen finally took Jack to the vet after he barfed up what she describes as "liquid marijuana." Is it gross to admit that I probably would've smoked that shit up? I can feel you nodding "yes" from here.

Jen thinks that Jack might have found and eaten a secret stash of marijuana at Seward Park. A couple of months earlier, some dude found a duffel bag in the park filled with 5 pounds of the good shit. Jen went on to yap that while visiting the park, Jack ran off on his own for only a few minutes. Three hours later, he was stumbling around and riding high on the green cloud.

Jack's vet induced vomiting to get the weed out of his system. The bill came to around $1,500! Hey, who said a good time was cheap.

Jen laughs about it now and warned Jack to stay away from drugs from now on. Yeah right, lady. Look at Jack's eyes! Jack got a taste of the herb and he's not going back. Jen should seriously keep three eyes on him! If she doesn't, she might find Jack trolling the park with his tongue hanging out and begging for just one hit. It happens to the best of us.

P.S. - I'll race you to Seward Park!