Animal Stories

Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson went on The Dog Whisperer before she popped out Bronx Mowgli, because they just weren't getting along, constantly biting at each other and fighting over who is pack leader. Yes, I know. Hit the gong!

Anyway, Ass and Pete really sought the advice of Cesar Milan, because their bulldogs, Hemingway and Rigby, weren't behaving. Ass is afraid how they are going to act with Bronx Mowgli around. Um. In order for the dogs to act sane, Ass and Pete have to move far away from their asses. Imagine being around those two dirty tampons all day. You'd go crazy too with the scent period blood always in the air.

Cesar does his usual shit like teaching Hemingway how to walk on the treadmill, etc.... I'm always shocked at this shit. There's no way in cat cookie hell that my dog would ever get on a damn treadmill, let alone walk on it. The minute I placed him on some kind of contraption that would force him to walk, he would grab all his shit and hit the road for Los Angeles where nobody walks. The lazy bitch wouldn't make it that far though. He would collapse in the hallway from exhaustion.

Ass and Pete's episode airs December 28th. Cesar should come back to teach them how to raise Bronx Mowgli. For real.

And why do celebwhores' houses always look like Z Gallerie, Pottery Barn and Cher's Sanctuary catalog exploded all over it?

Barney Bush has always been my favorite ho in the White House. He's a grouchy motherfucker who will bite your ass if you get too close and he loves Christmas! Barney decorated the entire White House this year for the holidays! Don't laugh. This video proves it!

I wish I was as high as Barney is while watching this shit, because it might make it less fucked up. Seriously, Barney must be on some good, hard shit. The video has it all wrong. Barney doesn't dream of being in the Olympics. No, he dreams of running through Cindy McCain's medicine cabinet. Barney and I should party sometime.

And the scene at the beginning with the Bush family could have been shot with animatronic robots instead and it would have been more natural. That scene made an episode of The Hills look like fucking Terms of Endearment.

(Thanks Ray)

17-year-old Socks the cat, the former head pussy of the White House, is laid up in bed with cancer and not doing too good. Socks is currently shacked up with Betty Currie, who used to be Bill Clinton's personal secretary, in Maryland. A family friend said Socks' days are numbered. The friend also said that the vet was willing to put Socks on feeding tubes, but the Currie family decided he was too old for that mess.

I actually wrote a letter to Socks when I was in high school. It was a poem. That fucking says a lot about me. Writing poems to cats when I'm in high school! I think I thought he could really read it.

I barely knew Bill Clinton's name, but I knew everything about Socks! And when Buddy came along, I was just as pissed off as Socks was. Replaced by a dog!

Oh, Socks! Smoke up a little cat nip and get comfortable. Soon you'll be making your way to the big White House in the sky where Buddy is patiently waiting to make your afterlife a living hell (in a loving way, of course)!

Source: US News & World Reporter

This shit right here really needs no explanation. It's Monday morning, so your face probably looks exactly like the face on some of these dog friends. This is what "I HATE LIFE" face looks like. My dog pretty much makes the same face whenever I put some sort of costume on his ass for my own entertainment. And then I quickly take it off, because I get scared that he's going to bite off my face while I sleep as punishment for humiliating him. But if the costume is satiny, he doesn't mind it so much. Actually, he kind of likes it. The silkiness against his nalgas must make him feel like a real hot bitch.

Notice the pooch in the 5th thumbnail below. He's wearing satiny shit and it's making him smile! Anyway, here's a bunch of dogs in Christmas outfits at Animal Fair Magazine's Toys for Dogs party in NYC the other night.

I also threw in a few pictures of two mangy alley dogs sitting with Santa in L.A. on Saturday. I did this as a warning to any of you who may come in close contact with them. Don't touch them! These two flea bags obviously have rabies. Where is the dog catcher when you need him?

If you are a chicken or a chicken lover (but not in that way), you better skip this shit. That means you Chicken Cutlets! Shut your eyes.

At first glance I thought this was a picture of Ian McKellen with his new chicken twink. It's not. It's the 71-year-old star of the fourth season of Germany's Farmer Wants a Wife. On the season finale, pepaw farmer Hansi chose 66-year-old Marianne as his final chick. Usually when two people decide they want to be together, they celebrate it with a little sexy times. That's what Hansi did, but instead of getting nasty with Marianne, he tried to pleasure a chicken! 8 million viewers watched as Hansi finger plucked a chicken while telling Marianne, "This is how they get an orgasm."

That nasty ass chicken plucker! CLUCK NO.

Marianne did not appreciate the chicken getting more action than her, so she packed up her shit and quit that bitch. Before she left, she told the cameras, "You always hear jokes about what lonely farmers do to their animals… I am disgusted. This is not my world."

Hansi, a nudist who walks around his farm naked, doesn't think there's anything wrong with it. He said, "Hansi is always happy when the chickens are happy.”

Peta already sent off their complaint about Hansi's sexual abuse of chickens.

I've heard of q-tipping a cat in heat, but chicken orgasms?! Is that where McDonald's Sweet & Sour sauce comes from?

Hansi has been around chickens for way too long. When you are start to get impure thoughts while watching chickens peck at their food and wiggle their feathers, it's time to check into the nearest loony bin before shit like this happens. Just cockadoodledon't!

Visit Bild to see pictures of the grossness.

The premiere of Marley & Me in Los Angeles last night belonged to the real star of the movie, Clive the dog. Clive is the main bitch who played Marley opposite that naked lady and the dude who looks like he got into a fight with a frying pan and lost. Speaking of the naked lady, methinks Jennifer Aniston used Clive as inspiration for her "give doggy a bone" pose on GQ. And yes, that's Jennifer in the black dress below. I know, you can hardly recognize her with clothes on!

Speaking of, Jenny's naked ass was what everyone was asking about during last night's premiere. Jenny said, "I wasn't trying to make any statement." Cut to Clive yawning and then licking his no-nuts area. Of course, she was trying to make a statement. The statement being: LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!

When UsWeekly asked Jenny's lump of moldy caca boyfriend, John Mayer, about the pictures, he pulled out his portable stage, threw on a top hat, grabbed his cane, did a little tap dance number and then said, "If I have a problem with that cover, I should just pack up the Toyota and head out of town. I'm just gonna get ready to put my knuckles in the air for it. No, don't make me hold it - you're pimping me out! Because when I touch it, angels die."

He should get out of town anyway and immediately head to the nearest Chinese restaurant to serve soggy dumplings. I mean, he already has the outfit for it.

Here's a few more others who came out to celebrate Clive's big night including Courtney Cox who looks like she's been spending a lot of time with Demi Moore's private plastic surgeon.

Cat toy theft is on the rise in a neighborhood in Swindon, UK thanks to the criminal pussy known as Frankie! For the past year, Frankie has been sneaking into neighbors' homes and stealing all the toys he can find. He brings them back to his own house and lays his booty in the exact same spot in his living room.

The pussy thief stole 35 toys in the past year. Frankie's owner, Julie, told the Daily Mail that he never plays with the toys. He deposits them in his safe area and then goes out to find more. The pussy's thirst for the criminal life is unstoppable!

Frankie mostly goes for toys, but he has been known to bring back socks, half-eaten burgers, dead mice and birds.

Julie thinks Frankie's criminal activities are funny, but she does place posters around the neighborhood of the toys her pussy has stolen hoping to find their owners.

Hmmm....Frankie has a glorious career in thievery ahead of him. I know talent when I see it. Cat toys today, million dollar jewels tomorrow! If two crossdressers can pull off the biggest jewel heist in France's history, imagine what this pussy burglar can do!

And Frankie should copyright the name "pussy burglar" before Jeremy Piven does.

Warning: this video will make your cinder heart cry a million tears and then spontaneously grow a patch of wild daisies for these precious dogs to run through.

In the video, one pooch is running along the highway and gets hit by a car. As the dog lay in the middle of the highway, another dog comes to the other dog's rescue! The heroic dog drags his injured friend off the highway and out of harm's way. Notice that none of the cars stopped! Those cold ass bitches. Or maybe the cars were all being driven by cats?

According to the YouTube description, the injured furry friend did survive, but I couldn't find any concrete evidence that proves this. Mah Boo Anderson Cooper needs to get on this story and find out the truth! And the hero dog needs to be given an honorary Purple Bone and made CEO of Wal-Mart. He's a true hero with a heart made of rainbows.

VIA Huffington Post

Thanks Brooke

When Knut was born, his skank mother rejected him, because she's a dumb whore. He was raised by his zookeeper, Thomas Dörflein, and quickly became an international superstar. Knut was on the cover of Vanity Fair, had toys made after him and was the subject of several books and DVDs. Because of his fame, the Berlin Zoo's attendance increased by 30%. Knut had it all.

Then he got older and had to bid farewell to his mommy Thomas. Thomas later died of a heart attack in his apartment.

And if that's not bad enough, the Berlin Zoo has put Knut up for sale because they simply can't afford to keep him. They say that Knut wants coochie and it would take $13 million to find him a female polar bear and build a home where they can do it in.

One of the head zookeepers said, "It's time for him to go - the sooner he gets a new home the better. Anything else would be financially irresponsible."

Er. Wasn't it financially irresponsible of the zoo not to use Knut's money properly? He made that joint millions! Now they are just putting him out, because he's no longer young and cuddly anymore.

Poor Knut. We know how this is going to play out. He's going to go off and get some floozy knocked up. Then he will turn to crack when the pressures of fatherhood becomes too much. Knut will whore around for a few years and maybe star in a couple of reality shows like Knut of Love. Then when it's all become too much Dr. Drew will take Knut in and clean him up on "Celebrity Rehab." Your typical child star story. Save Knut!

Source

I take that back. I want my dog to do much more than just ride a Roomba. I want him to drag his lazy ass to the closet, get the Dirt Devil out, vacuum up all the rooms, clean the crap out of the remote controls and then rub the skidmarks out of my chonies. When he's done there, he can scrub the bathroom tile grout, clean the oven, defrost the freezer and then make me a gin martini. Yeah, fucking right. Doing that shit will get in the way of his full-time job as Head Nap Taker.

And this video of a pussy on a Roomba is pretty much what the inside of my head looks like.

Below I've thrown in some pics of Vadge and A-Rod in NYC today, because these two twats seem to go perfectly with Pussy on a Roomba. I don't exactly know why, but they just do.