Animal Stories

Jen Nestor knew that some shit was not right with her dog Jack after he finished off three plates of nachos, barked about conspiracy theories, watched 4-hours of Yo Gabba Gabba! and howled at everything she said. Jen finally took Jack to the vet after he barfed up what she describes as "liquid marijuana." Is it gross to admit that I probably would've smoked that shit up? I can feel you nodding "yes" from here.

Jen thinks that Jack might have found and eaten a secret stash of marijuana at Seward Park. A couple of months earlier, some dude found a duffel bag in the park filled with 5 pounds of the good shit. Jen went on to yap that while visiting the park, Jack ran off on his own for only a few minutes. Three hours later, he was stumbling around and riding high on the green cloud.

Jack's vet induced vomiting to get the weed out of his system. The bill came to around $1,500! Hey, who said a good time was cheap.

Jen laughs about it now and warned Jack to stay away from drugs from now on. Yeah right, lady. Look at Jack's eyes! Jack got a taste of the herb and he's not going back. Jen should seriously keep three eyes on him! If she doesn't, she might find Jack trolling the park with his tongue hanging out and begging for just one hit. It happens to the best of us.

P.S. - I'll race you to Seward Park!

Benji Madden waltzed into a Coffee Bean the other day empty-handed, bought a drink and then skipped out with a fluffy piece of heaven in his hands. A bunny rabbit! Since when do they sell bunny rabbits at Coffee Bean? Or maybe it fell out of his ass while he was using the bathroom? Very possible.

And that's my kind of bunny rabbit too, because it looks like a slut! I mean, look at all that trampy eye make-up it's wearing. Bunny slut is also sexing up the photographer with her eyes. It won't be long before we see her baring her tail in Playboy. Finally, a fucking authentic Playboy bunny.

Mickey Rourke had lunch with Jason Statham in Los Angeles yesterday and when he got back to his car, a fluffy white bird with a heaving rack and "sex me" eyes was waiting for him in the backseat. Why am I not surprised that Mickey had a damn cockatoo chilling in his car, just waiting for him to get back so it could jump on his shoulder? The fuck?! I mean, wasn't that bird dropping wet poos all over the place in the car? And it kind of looks like the bird also went poo poo times on Mickey's luscious locks. But Mickey doesn't mind! He loves all animal friends!

Mickey is truly a modern day Dr. Doolittle!

Somewhere in the world, Kate Gosselin is printing this picture out and sticking it in her scrapbook labeled "I TOLD YOU SO."

Yesterday on Oprah, an adorable 10-year-old little girl named Jordan showed off her version of Kate Gosselin's signature electrocuted wombat 'do. Luckily, Jordan's hairstyle isn't as possumlicious as Kate's. I don't feel like I'm going to see Jordan's hair hanging from a tree or scrounging through my garbage cans anytime soon, so there's still hope! She hasn't completely crossed over to the Gosselin side just yet!

And here's Kate running errands yesterday afternoon with her Pound Puppy hair and one of her daughters.

Zoologists from all over the world should gather together to research the mystery that is Kate Gosselin's hair. I've never seen it from the back! Kate has like four animals on her head. She's got an obese beaver, a special needs skunk, a tranny porcupine and a baboon with a shaved-ass. Bitch has Noah's Ark on the top of her head. This is probably why I've become so obsessed with these crazy baby people. It's her hair! It's hypnotizing me. Well that and the fact that she's a big ole' nutsack-killing cunt.

Yesterday, The Gosselins and THE BODYGUARD celebrated the twins' sextuplet's birfday at a park near their house. Of course, the cameras were there to capture every soul-killing side-eye Kate throws to Jon. Kate brought out several pinata and let the kids take turns hitting them. Hmmm. I wonder why she axed her original idea? I thought Kate was going to stuff Jon with candy, hang him up from a tree and let all the kids beat him with a bat.

While reading this shit about Criss Angel from Page Six, it took me a little while to realize they were talking about an actual cat that goes meow and not about a vagina. I mean, look at the first few lines:

MAGICIAN Criss Angel is accused of stealing Jeff Beacher's cat. And Beacher, the midget-loving impresario behind Beacher's Madhouse revue, is threatening to sue to get his pussy back.

I mean, who steals a cat?! I guess that royal douchebag Criss Angel does. Jeff claims that when his father passed away, he inherited the family cat they call "Hamlet." Jeff was living at the Hard Rock Hotel at the time, so he asked his friend to care for Hamlet until he moved out. A little while later, Jeff's phone rang and there was a dirty tampon on the other end of the line. It was Criss who told Jeff, "I took your cat. He lives with me now. The cat no longer likes you and The cat and I have become close friends."

What in the fuckity fuck?! Who wrote that line for Criss? Christopher Guest?! Criss needs to stick his whole fist up his ass (rings included). What an asshole! Hamlet probably thinks Criss' hair is his long-lost mommy, so he's totally being tricked!

Jeff is planning to sue Criss for pussy thievery if he doesn't return Hamlet.

You know, Kate Gosselin should also file a lawsuit against Criss for stealing her signature dead beaver coif.

Jon & Kate's dramz is on the cover of 4 magazines this week and that's kind of a good thing. I mean, the more attention Kate's raggedy beast hair gets, the better. Maybe this can convince other women to visit their local JcPenney salon and ask for the "Gosselin." The world really needs more special needs beaver heads roaming the land. Anycunty....

It's been Gosselin fevah these past couple of weeks and it's reaching a boiling point. It's called publicity, people! You gotta pass that pussay to sell a book. The truth!

Most of the covers focus on Kate's maybe affair with her married silver fox bodyguard who looks like he grits his teeth when he cums. UsWeekly says that the two aren't doing much to hide their horniness for each other (why did I type that?). One source said, "She was gently poking him, giving him little love pats, totally unlike the slapping she does with Jon. She and Steve were joking around so much, I actually wondered if they were having an affair. There's a lot of open affection between them."

Um. That's not "love pats" she's giving Jon. That's called "ripping his nutsack off with her bare claws!"

Star says that Jon thinks Kate IS rubbing her 8-mile snatch all over her bodyguard. A source also said that Kate is okay with Jon hittin' underground pussay as long as he stays on the show. Kate has apparently put a contract together and is making Jon sign it.

Now on to People! They got an actual interview with the Cunt Queen herself! Kate says that her marriage has been at the bottom of a toilet for a while now and she's ready to flush it if that's what it comes to. She said, "I don't know that we're in the same place anymore, that we want the same thing (Ed note: Yeah, he wants a pussy that doesn't belong to you). I've been struggling with the question of 'Who is this person?' for a while. I remember where I was the first time I heard her name. It's one of those things where you can try to make it go away, but there's blaring, red flashing lights. I will never give up hope that every member of our family can be absolutely happy again."

She forgot to add, "BUY MY BOOK! WATCH MY SHOW! PET MY HAIR!"

This is the gorgeous Casey Ray. Casey is a hairstylist in St. Louis and the other day she was hanging out behind the Chase Park Plaza Hotel waiting for her fiance to get off of work. While Casey was bringing the sexy to the back alley, she noticed something in the dumpster. I know you're wondering why she was looking in the dumpster. My guess is that she was searching for another dead animal to put on her head. I'm joking. She's what beauty is about. ANYWAY, in the dumpster she found a script for the Twilight sequel (all together now: WHERE IT BELONGS). Casey couldn't believe her beautiful eyes!

Casey told Fox News, "When I opened it up and saw the character names: Charlie, Bella, Edward, I was just like, this can't possibly be what I know it to be." After calling her lawyer, Casey decided to turn the script in to Summit, the production company. When she contacted them, they were so touched by her goodwill that they offered her tickets to the premiere as well as an autographed copy of the script by the entire cast.

If you happen to be at the premiere, you better stand back, because once Robert Pattinson lays his eyes on Casey, the world will explode. Hundreds of unicorns will fly out of his magical forest hair and slide down her peroxide rainbow. It will be love. It will be magical. It will be hairy.

Since we're sort of on the subject of gorgeous reverse mullets, here's Casey's hair twin, Kate Gosselin, at Target near her house the other day.

It all started out as an ordinary Saturday for the always-sexy Dorothy and Lavern Utley of Waterford Township, Michigan. They set up their booth at a local flea market and placed their 6lb chihuahua, Tinker Bell, on the trailer platform when an evil 70-mph wind swept that bitch up and blew her far away! That little chewy-hoo-ha went flying through the air like a Frisbee! This one of the only times I'd be okay with the government putting cameras on every corner to watch our every move, because this magical and hilarious moment needed to be caught on tape!

The Utleys spent the next two days frantically searching for their beloved Tinker Bell. They were so desperate that they decided to seek the services of a pet SLYCIC. It's hard to believe, but the pet psychic's skills actually worked. She found Tinker Bell in a wooded area about a mile from the flea market. Dorothy said that despite being hongray and dirty, Tinker Bell was absolutely fine. Tinker Bell went wild when she was reunited with her owners. Poor Tink. She probably cried herself to sleep, because she didn't have Dorothy's gorgeous cholita eyebrows to gaze into before bedtime. Tink snuggled next to fallen pine needles pretending they were Dorothy's eyebrows, but it wasn't the same. I'm happy they are all back together.

And somewhere in the world, Parasite Hilton's Tinkerbell is looking up at the sky and thinking, "TAKE ME, WIIIIND...TAKE ME...."

Source: Daily Mail (Thanks Sluttsville)

Matthew Broderick is currently doing a play on Broadway, so I'm going to assume that those matching pubic hair triangles on his face have something to do with that. Because I don't know why he would do that just for shits. It makes him look even more like high school world history teacher with a serious case of shit breath who has been known to loiter around in the boy's locker room for way too long. That shit is not the look.

And Sarah Jessica Parker is not nuzzling for the cameras, she's sniffing at that extra hay on Matthew's face. She's fighting the urge to chew. Matthew better keep her stable door tightly shut at night or she may wander into his bed chamber to nibble at his pork chops. And we know he doesn't want that.

Here's Matthew and SJP at the Tribeca Film Festival premiere of his movie Wonderful World last night.