Say Something Nice

Thousands gathered in front of the main stage at L.A. Gay Pride in West Hollywood on Saturday and watched as Lil' Kim shook her shellacked ham hocks and kept her waxed cheek cutlets from melting off of her face by fanning herself. We should temporarily put down our umbrellas of hate and not throw shade at Lil' Kim for looking like a big top mess. Let's say something nice instead of making fun of Kim's rubber Nermal face. Or that parched lace front that looks like it just came out of a McDonald's deep fryer. Or those fake lashes that look like the plucked wings of a baby crow (CALL PETA!). Or that face paint job that was probably done by the same foolish mortician's assistant who slathered Lisa Turtle's mug with ten coats of fug. Or the face that Kim looks like an escapee from the Zoobilee Zoo and Mayor Ben really needs to throw a net over this trick. Let's not point any of those things out and focus on the positive for once!

I'm going to slow clap at Kim for qualifying for the U.S. Olympic Eyebrow Game trials. I'm also going to say something nice about Kim's nose. I'd sit and bounce on Kim's nose, because it always looks like a short pencil dick with a pinched mushroom head and anything that makes me think about peen is a good thing. ("Dumb slut, what doesn't make you think about dick?" - you). Good point.

Pictures like these call for the return of Say Something Nice, so let your bitch gene go temporarily dormant (I know you won't) and let's play nice for once. Lindsay Lohan's cheeks and lips looked like they were trying to get majority share of her face as she posed at the A&E Upfronts in NYC today. A&E is part owner of Lifetime, so LiLo was there to promote Liz & Dick. Now on to the niceness!

1. That ombre face - LiLo is setting trends with that shit! Ombre face is perfect for when you can only afford 1/4th of a spray tan.

2. Those brows - The Curious Case of Ali Lohan isn't the only Lohan who can give us some serious eyebrow situation. If you need a steady hand, a spackling knife and paint thinner to strip the layers of brow pencil from your brows at the end of the night, you're doing it right! Yes, LiLo's brows sort of look like furry poops, but scat is so in!

3. That random bobby pin - 60s glamour on a Dollar Tree budget. Can't shade a bitch for being frugal IN THIS ECONOMY.

4. Those lips - Those gummy worm lips sort of make her looks like Nien Numb in drag, which is a good thing since Star Wars definitely needed more drag queen glamour.

5. That overall face - LiLo's face looks like it was harvested from Jocelyn Wildenstein's face, and that' seriously the nicest thing I've said about anybody. My nice tank is officially empty.

Okay, not really, but I know what will make you sluts sit up and take notice! If I had written "Signing Off" or some lame shit like that, you would have yawned, farted, scratched your ass and continued eating nachos in yesterday's t-shirt. Or maybe that's just me and I'm giving away too much personal information.

Anygettothefuckingpointsweetas, I just wanted to say thanks to Michael K's Wild Kingdom for allowing him a little break and for choking down my unsalted cracker posts for a week. King MK will be back soon, sporting his beautiful bedazzled tin-foil and garland crown and pink-ribboned Princess Barbie scepter and showing the blogosphere how shit is done RIGHT.

Seriously, I had SO much fun and was proud to be in the company of J. Harvey and Lahoma, both of whom I would love to see next time Michael takes a well-deserved vacation. Now it's time to say goodbye, and go back to my basement desk and 10-key (glamorous, I know) and flask hidden in the top drawer so I can stomach my real life job. Thank you again, and now I'm off to work on welcoming 2012 with a scorching hangover, missing underwear and no recollection of the nights events (Godsend, that guy looked like a cracked-out Gollum and had a micro-peen) like the rest of you beautiful people. Sweetas OUT!

I feel like I need to Windex my screen over and over again after looking at pictures of these two. Why does HoHan always have to look like she's been sleeping under a car for the past few days? Not even a Lexus either. Bitch has looks like she's been napping under an '81 Datsun. Can't one of HoHan's friends throw an Adderall into a bath tub, so she can dive after it and get sort of clean? Oh, wait. This is a say something nice. I always forget that.

Okay....um...errr...um... Well, it's a good thing White Oprah wasn't at this event, because then she'd hog up all the good shit during their mother/daughter bonding time in a bathroom stall. That's nice!

Here's these two fresh, pristine and young looking beauties posing inside the bottom of a barrel last night.

99.9999% of the meth-faced lot lizards on Cops look fresher and sexier than Pamela Anderson, so what more is there to say? The only way she would look better is if she had a giant F- from the Environmental Health Department stamped on her forehead. Oh, wait. I'm supposed to say something nice. Okay...um...

Well, Pamela's face reminds me of the time I got really boozed up at Christmas on some rancid egg nog. I ended up passing out face first in a puddle of my own vom on the bathroom floor. When I woke up a few hours later with a face covered in egg nog barf, I looked into the mirror and all I could do was laugh to keep from crying. It really was the best Christmas ever, so thanks to Pam for bringing that beautiful memory back. See, that's nice!

Here's a rotten piece of salmon at the opening of a stripper/steakhouse in NYC last night. Yup, she really showed up.

Really? What is this? Why did this happen? Who put this here? What asshole does this?! Why?! Why hasn't someone sprayed this tranny cockroach with RAID yet? I don't understand. I know my simple mind just can't comprehend this level of artistic genius, but who actually likes this? Raise your hand....and then immediately put it in your garbage disposal and turn it on. But seriously, this bitch really does make me appreciate Vadge. That's kind of ironic since I'm 100% sure Lady CaCa is a mutation of one of Vadge's roidy crotch warts.

Oh, shit. This is a "Say Something Nice" and I already failed. Okay, let me try this again. Well, um...errr...the umbrella is nice.

Here's Lady CaCa after stealing Bette Midler's lips in Hocus Pocus in London last night with Mika.

If you can say something nice about these two dick bags, then immediately check yourself into the nearest loony bin. Actually, save a spot for me, because I need some mental help for feeding the douches. AND if you're reading this, you're coming with us too for falling for their trap. The joke is on all of us!

There really are no words to describe the concentrated fuckery going on in these pictures. Twit and Twats staged photo-ops must be art directed by John Waters. This shit is going above and beyond camp. I mean, the gun, her “Read My Lipstick: Vote McCain-Palin” shirt, his “Palin For VP: God, Guns, Glory” and the book..... I have to laugh to keep from crying. Joe Sixpack is not amused.

And I'm actually shocked to see Heidi with a book. Obvioulsy, she can't read, but I'm surprised she can even pretend to read.

Ummm.....errr.....well.....um....the colors on her t-shit are pretty? I can't! What in Jack Skellington hell is going on with Vadge?! Is she injecting roids directly into her face now? Even international supermodel Phoebe Price is looking at these pictures thinking, "Damn. Her chicken cutlets are out of control. Bitch needs to rotate those things." And her roid twigs will haunt my daydreams!

I hope Lourdes is leading her mother to the nearest buffet, followed by a 6-month nap in an oxygen chamber. Calgon, take Vadge away!

I've tried to find one good thing to say about these Xtina pictures and I can't. I lose. There's too much information to process.

I can't call those things chichis. Those vein nuts give all good chichis a bad name. I'm also convinced that this bitch just adds ice water to her face and the 10-pounds of make-up magically appears. She's like that fucking Lil' Miss Make-Up doll from the 80s.

Here's tranny clown at LAX in Las Vegas last night.

Does somebody have an address for WWF wrestler Bobbi Ballard? I need to send her my chiropractor bill. This picture of her has my neck working overtime. I glance down to look at her chichis and that's immediately making my neck prop up to look at her face which immediately makes me drop my head to look at her chichis again....it's a horrific yo-yo! Nowhere is safe.

The only nice thing I have to say about Bobbi is that I think I'm in love. I would have proposed marriage if she was wearing Shauna Sand's lucite heels. Oh well, maybe next time.

BONUS! Here's another hot wreck at the same party. It's actor William Romeo showing us what we're missing. Yeah, I think I'll skip that section on the buffet line.