Tranny Mess

You know, one of my life mottos is "You're never too old to peddle that pussay," but Pamela Anderson is doing it wrong. Someone Fabreeze her ass down, because the desperation wafting off of her is starting to reek! AND those eyebrows. I cannot condone that kind of fuggery. It looks like she painted them on with a BIC and not a Sharpie. How dreadful! Somebody give her a caramel square and a cup of Sleepytime tea.

At least Pamela Anderson flashed her moth-eaten crotch for a good cause. Pammy was one of the guests at last night's Life Ball, an annual AIDS charity event in Vienna.

Katy Perry, Sister Sledge, Eva Longwhoria (FOR WHY?!!!!), Fran Drescher, Bill Clinton, Richie Rich and Amanda Lepore also mingled among the rainbow-covered unicorns. Put on your sunglasses before you look at these pictures or else you might get glitter in your eyes.

Bat Boy put Xtina up to this, right? He wants to become Transylvania's hottest couple and that's why Xtina's eyebrows vant to suck my blood. It's not normal for a pair of eyebrows to look like they want to take me into their arms, lead me in a waltz around the room and sink their teefs into my neck after dipping me. No, eyebrows should not look like they belong on a box of Count Chocula. Those are some super vampire eyebrows too! We shouldn't be seeing them in pictures. Strange powers!

I'd be willing to look past Xtina's continuous violation of red lipstick if she rectifies her eyebrow situation. Throw some garlic powder on those things and start again. Bat Boy isn't always right.

Xtina and her dracu-brows serenaded the crowd with her glorious "chipmunk getting castrated without anesthesia" voice at an event for the Gay & Lesbian Center of L.A. last night.

This party was a clusterfuck! Some of the hos were just there for the photo-op while others were obviously just there for the open bar (IN THIS ECONOMY). And why does Wonky McValtrex keep getting invited to events? Doesn't that break several health code violations? I need to look it up.

Anyway, here's some of the trollops at last night's party. They are: Linda Perry, the dead Pomeranian on her head, Xtina, rapey-faced Slade Smiley, Gretchen "No Moral Character" Rossi, Cybil Shepherd, Wonky, Cybil's gayelle daughter Clementine Ford, Dita Von Teese, rapey-faced Doug Reinhardt, legendary Jennifer Coolidge and Sharon Stone.

Really? What is this? Why did this happen? Who put this here? What asshole does this?! Why?! Why hasn't someone sprayed this tranny cockroach with RAID yet? I don't understand. I know my simple mind just can't comprehend this level of artistic genius, but who actually likes this? Raise your hand....and then immediately put it in your garbage disposal and turn it on. But seriously, this bitch really does make me appreciate Vadge. That's kind of ironic since I'm 100% sure Lady CaCa is a mutation of one of Vadge's roidy crotch warts.

Oh, shit. This is a "Say Something Nice" and I already failed. Okay, let me try this again. Well, um...errr...the umbrella is nice.

Here's Lady CaCa after stealing Bette Midler's lips in Hocus Pocus in London last night with Mika.

Brooke Hogan proved that she's one of the most skilled tuckers in the game while filming her new music video in Miami yesterday afternoon. Brooke let her dick down for a quick minute so that she could poke her new boyfriend, Stack$, in his peen catcher when he visited her on set. Yes, he goes by the name Stack$. That shit is about as hardcore as a fluffy kitten nibbling on a piece of pink cotton candy. Going by your Xbox360 Gamertag in real life is not a good idea.

Brooke and Stack$ (I can't with that name) are seriously the "El Camino on cement blocks" version of Brit Brit and KFed. That says everything. Although, I have to give it to Brooke that she didn't follow in the Hogan family tradition of licking the asshole of someone who looks a blood relative.

How did the tranny frog get the reclusive gaysian unicorn known as Bobby Trendy to come to her stupid ass book party? It must have been an accident. Bobby was probably nearby when he heard his mating call: the click from a camera. It beckoned him to bring a little glamour to this overall fug affair. And I'm glad he did, because otherwise we wouldn't get to see how he reworked the vagina prom dress to make it work for him. Now the fat pink pussy on his chest matches the one on his ass. And is it just me or does Bobby kind of look like a ladyboy version of Phyllis Diller here?

That dumb bitch Kelly Taylor also came out when she should've stayed home with her head in a big bowl of VO5! Bitch's hair looks like Sarah Jessica Parker's next meal. That shit looks highly flammable. One flame is all it takes... Luckily, Jennie didn't stand anywhere near Bobby.

Here's the rest of the whores from last night's dreadful affair including, Kim Kardassian, Preparation H's arch rival Lisa Rinna, Creepy McDermott, Harry Hamlin and Rodney Stranger's twin sister Patti.

Bobby Trendy, the gaysian alien from Planet Faggotry, is really dedicated to his famewhore game. This bitch pulls out all the stops. This ho will crash a Little Miss Pageant and rip some sequined dress out of a tiny girl's hands so that he has a frock glittery enough to work the ho stroll in. And if it's not fancy enough, all he has to do is ass queef on that shit and it's suddenly covered in sparkles. This shit is like a Little Miss Pageant and an S&M party did wrong things together and this was created out of it. A slow-moving tranny train wreck and that tortured dog knows it! Put that pooch at the top of the suicide watch list!

And the original artiste known as Lady CaCa (served with a deep-fried eye roll) with be copying this look in 3...2.....

Here's a few pictures from Beyonce's I Am....RIDICULOUS tour in Vancouver last night. There's really no explanation for this mess. This was born from a Mugler and a Knowles, so that's explanation enough!

Glittery condom men? The Transformers logo on Beyonce's pussy bone? The Elmer's glue used to keep her lacefront down? I feel like I need to witness this faggotry for myself, but I'm afraid my extreme levels of gayness will clash with the extreme levels of tranniness radiating off of Sasha Fart causing an explosion of weave tracks, face clay, tarantula legs, sequins and coagulated jizz. The world is not equipped.

Pete Burns of Dead or Alive was hospitalized last week after a bunch of kidney stones fucked with his organs. The Sun says that 49-year-old Pete underwent a 5-hour surgery on his kidneys after doctors found 8 kidney stones. They were unable to get them out because of a blockage. Pete is now laid up and hopefully floating above the clouds thanks to a morphine drip. Pete was able to type through the pain and wrote a message on his website.

Pete wrote, "I'm in a very serious condition on 24 hours intravenous morphine for the pain. Intravenous fluid as I'm so dehydrated and the kidneys can't retain the liquid. I'm critically ill and under 24 hours observation and will be in hospital for quite a long time."

Let the morphine drip take you on a ride and get better, Pete. Those gorgeous eyebrows need you.

Since we're on the subject of Pete Burns, (NSFW) click here to see a picture that lands in my inbox almost daily. I've seen it a trillion times, but it's a classic. Beware, you might need a morphine drip yourself after looking at this shit. Shit being the keyword.

My inbox has seen more of Amber Rose than a motherfucking bottle of peroxide and a clipper. I'm getting emails from bitches that say everything from "Bitch is a truck stop stripper!" to "Bitch is a cunt licker" to "Bitch has a wang!" And so on and so forth. All I know is that bitch will be deaf soon from Kanye West's epic yelling fits. And she already might be partially blind, because that's the only thing I can think of to explain this outfit. I didn't know Osh Kosh B'Gosh also had a line of day-shift prostitot clothes. The baby hooker look is not for Amber Rose.

Earlier, I posted about how Kate Hudson loves the art of pole grinding so much that she had a stripper's pole installed in her poop room. Well, that saggy bitch doesn't have shit on Real World: Brooklyn's resident tranny girl Katelynn. Katelynn doesn't need to install shit, because she will use any kind of pole to get the job done.

Last night, the skanks went to some restaurant/bar/outhouse in Gettysburg and Katelynn spotted a pole and made it hers. The thing wasn't a stripper's pole, it was a fucking support pole! The dumb bitch! But Katelynn saw a pole and she had a dream to tantalize everybody in the room with her skills. That's until the bitch fell. Still, every whore on the Rock of Love Bus probably burst a twatty wart, because they were so proud of Katelynn. Every pole is meant to be grinded on. Every.

You weren't alone if you were secretly wishing the support pole broke causing the entire roof to come crashing down on her. No, you weren't.

After Katelynn's pole dancing FAIL, she started freaking on some pepaw midget man. At first, I thought it was Chuy from Chelsea Lately. I think Katelynn did too.