Tranny Mess

I used to think that only Lisa Rinna's lips looked like a puss-filled, crusty roid, but now I think her whole face looks like it should be sitting comfortably inside a butt crack. The same goes for Nikki Cox. Why are these woman doing this shit? What do they have against looking pretty? Do they think they will get more attention if they look like they should be marinating in a tub of Preparation H? Well, it's working.

Although, in Nikki's defense, Jay Mohr is to blame. Fucking his stupid ass would turn anyone into a Klingon. When his peen goes in, your hotness gets sucked the fuck out.

Here's Lisa Rina, Nikki Cox and Nikki's dehydrated chichis at the Grammy Awards last night. And both of those dresses really belong on the Rock of Love Bang Bus.

This is Mr. Jude Law as a sexy awesome fierce lady woman in Sally Potter's new movie Rage. Jude plays a supermodel named Minx. Bitch is a sexy minx and he knows it. Look at him. I bet his pussy is puckering.

Sally described the movie: "Part of the subject matter of RAGE is the ugly use of beauty in the pursuit of profit. Drugged by Marketing, sapped by fear of aging, conned by the cult of celebrity… image becomes all. Jude Law, whose beauty has sometimes been held against him as an actor, made the courageous decision to accept the role of Minx - a 'celebrity super-model' and took on a kind of hyper-beauty for this persona… a ‘female’ beauty which gradually unravels as the story unfolds. Strangely, the more he became a ‘she’, coiffed and made-up - the more naked was his performance. There was great strength in his willingness to make himself vulnerable. It was an extraordinarily intense part of the shoot."

Um. Okay. High-art. Oh-so-edgy. I get it. But does Jude show his man pussy in this shit? That's the only question I need answered.

I can't put my finger on who Jude looks like. I'm getting a tinge of Chrissy Hynde flavor with maybe a splash of Joan Jett. But I also see Sandra Bernard in there. Maybe a little Ally Sheedy? It's like he took all those bitches, threw them in the blender, pulsed them down and then covered his body with them.

The wig is a vast improvement. Anything that covers up his dying Chia pet head is a major upgrade. That being said, I'd totally finger his mangina.

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Here is Eddie Murphy playing a beautiful song for his hos on a big ass boat in St. Barts the other day. Actually, I think Eddie was just trying to charm the snake in one of their bikini bottoms, so that he could find out which one is the tranny. I don't need to play a song to tell Eddie that the one on the left can dick slap him in the face if he wants it. She's built like a twink top who should really be a bottom.

And Eddie's dick charming song is totally an acoustic version "Party All The Time." Why do I love that shit song so much? It just makes you want to pick up a tranny hooker and do lines off her floppy peen with Rick James' ghost. Video below:

That's because it was her birthday. Most of whores like to get completely obliterated on our birfdays, because getting old is pretty gross and depressing. Well, Chyna might have gone a little too far. TMZ says that Chyna was admitted into the hospital yesterday morning, because she over did it with the rubber chicken shots and it didn't mix well with her prescription pills. That's a problem.

Chyna threw a little birthday soiree at her home in Burbank and the paramedics were called at about 5am when friends found her giant ass passed out with cuts on her arms. She was immediately put on a forklift and transported to the hospital. I'm joking about the forklift part. They really used a tractor.

At the hospital, Chyna was so fucking wasted that they couldn't do a proper psych evaluation on her. They had to wait until the bitch sobered up.

Chyna later told TMZ at the hospital that also she wanted was a "hamburger and fries." Straight up, I know what she's talking about. When you're swimming in a big bottle of booze, the only thing you really want is a damn burger and fries. Sometimes you want a taco, but mostly you want burger and fries. Especially some fucking chili cheese fries with extra grease. Shit. Sometimes when I'm drunk I'm tempted just to ask the bitches at McDonald's if I can stick a straw in one of their grease jugs and drink that shit up. Skip the middle man.

You know, I'm going to go ahead and blame all Chyna's troubles on her Little Shop of Horrors clit. If Dr. Drew couldn't even help her ass, then there's a bigger issue here. The bigger issue being her evil roid clit. I bet you it tells her to drink more and to take more pills. It totally talks. Her "feed me" clitoris probably even told her to get it a burger and fries, because it was hungry.

And now I must go and get a burger and fries, because this post made me hungry. I will eat one (or three) for Chyna!

Nicole Kidman will play the world's first post-op tranny who is married to Charlize Theron in old timey Copenhagen. File this under: Greedy bitches want another Oscar!

The Hollywood Reporter says that Nicky will produce and act in "The Danish Girl," based on a true story about two married Danish artists who gained international attention in the 1930s after the dude (Nicky) gets the world's first sex change.

It all started in the 1920s when Greta Wegener (Charlize) asked her husband Einar to stand in for a chick model she was supposed to paint. The portraits became the fucking shit in Denmark, so Greta asked her husband to keep up the charade. This leads to Einar deciding that he wants a vagina instead of a peen, so he gets it chopped off. This of course causes drama in their marriage.

Anand Tucker, who directed "Shopgirl," will direct this tranny mess. Pre-production is going on right now, but it's not known when shooting will start.

This shit is like a reversal of "Victor/Victoria" with the cheery singing and dancing numbers getting replaced with raw emotion and a sullen musical score.

I hope they're going to throw in a scene early on where Einar gets some fucking plastic shit injected into his face. That will explain why his mug doesn't move.

And riddle me this, can't they get a fucking man to do this shit?! Or better yet, Tilda Swinton! That hot piece was born to play this role! They are going to ruin a perfectly hot tranny story by making Nicole the lead. Not only does the bitch kill her own facial expressions, but she kills movies too!

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The big-tittied frog and her lezzie lover and my girl crush, Ken Paves, left Madeo last night when chaos ensued!! It must have been a slow night on the celebwhore stroll, because the paps went crazy trying to get a picture of that dumb bitch. Ken Paves, being the princess in shiny hair that he is, tried to protect Chestica's weave and kept pushing back the paps. One of the cameras didn't appreciate Ken pushing at its owner, so it slapped that bitch in the head. I'm sure Ken is used to being slapped in the face with hard objects, but he probably wasn't ready for this shit.

Ken's pristine female-to-male tranny face started bleeding! Yes, he actually bleeds real blood. Shocking, right? Ken and Chestica immediately went to the hospital to fix up his owie.

Ken is a big girl and I'm sure he'll be fine after a couple of switches and a taint slap. Besides, Ken is used to intense pain in his head. I mean, he's been forced to listen to Chestica's frog yodel live. And maybe now that he's been knocked in the head, he'll start doing good hair. I always try to look on the bright side!

No, this is not Dee Snyder and Catwoman's broken condom pre-op baby. It's Xtina in her new video for that "Keeps Gettin' Better" song. And no, it doesn't get any better. In fact, if you've watched the whole thing, you're probably asleep, having nightmares of that scary-tranny-clown-cat-creature-thing.

This shit is like "War Games," an "America's Next Top Model" photo shoot and a Chico's commercial rolled into one. Okay, I'll admit that I do like the Chico's portion of the video where she's riding a bike through a field of homo flowers. Although, she's not having a Chico's kind of day with that bootleg Lady GaGa shit on her head.

Click here if you can't see the video above

Thanks Donnie

You might want to turn down the brightness on your monitor before going through these pictures of Xtina at the Africa Rising Festival in London tonight. I am pleased to see that her face is back to being completely covered in MAC semen. Sometimes looking natural is so overrated. With that face full of drag paint, I'm sure Xtina constantly gets random dudes asking her if she would tea-bag them for $10. I bet that doesn't happen to you. Don't be jealous.

Xtina's "Barbie Make Me Pretty" face isn't the problem with this look, it's that fucking top! That thing is giving me crazy eyes! It's like looking at Lady Ga Ga through a kaleidoscope. Shit like that belongs in the "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert" stage show and nowhere else.

The raggedy puff ball known as Aubrey O'Day loves to go out every night to do "slut bag stuff," but must she drag poor Ginger with her every time? I'm sure Ginger really wants to be around a bunch of drunk whores who spill their Mojitos on her. Actually, she probably puts her little paws together and prays at night that someone will drop a cocktail on her, so that it can wash away that dye.

How long has Ginger been wearing that hideous hair color for? Like a month? If that shit is temporary, shouldn't it wash out rather quickly? That means the pooch hasn't had a bath for at least a few weeks. Vom.

My dog gets a bath once a week like clockwork. I'm obsessive about it. I brush him once a day and wash him once a week or else he'll smell like rotten ass jelly. His ass jelly smell mixed with my butt grease stench could kill baby birds.

Little Ginger not getting her ass washed regularly makes sense, because Aubrey looks like soap hasn't touched her skin in a while. That being said, I still adore her like a pair of low hangers. Don't ask me why.

Here's Aubrey and her suicide watch dog at a Paper Magazine party last night. I also threw in some pictures of Amanda Lepore, because this post called for a little tranny hotness.

I never thought I would say that, but I do prefer Xtina's signature red lip grease than the hot pink diarrhea she's been wearing lately. Jem called and she wants her fucking lip color back.

You know, I don't mind the hair so much. She looks like a drag queen doing a low-rent impersonation of Lady GaGa, but it doesn't bother me as much as her fucking make-up. She needs an intervention! When you're getting your face painted at Maaco, it's to admit that you have a problem.

Here's more of Xtina looking like she pees standing up at a Rock the Vote event in Los Angeles last night.