Whitney Houston

I'd say you had a good night if you came stumbling out of a club with scratches on your arm, blood running down your leg, a gut full of coke bloat, sweaty strands of hair in your face and your scattered emotions switching from "I LOVE ALL Y'ALL!" to "FUCK ALL Y'ALL!" in the blink of a side-eye. But when I see Whitney Houston stumbling out Kelly Price's Grammy party looking like this, I don't need to see any receipts before I shake my head while cursing Ray-J's crooked dick for this. It seems as soon as Whit hopped on Ray-J's crooked dick for a second time, she got struck with the crackhead fever again. My feelings about all of this are best expressed through the sea of endless side-eyes around Whitney.

I don't know how I feel about it, but 2012 is turning out to be the year of leaky singers. No, I should think positive. Maybe that's not blood on Whitney's leg. Maybe that doody bubble finally popped. That's a trail of relief running down her leg.

The only Whitney who should have her own show on NBC was up to her old bitch diva theatrics yesterday afternoon when she refused to fasten her seatbelt before taking off on a Delta flight out of Atlanta. You would think that the seatbelt was paper mache'ed with the receipts from her old crack dealers, because Whitney wasn't interested in laying one of her fingers on it.

TMZ reports that you can add the phrase "Buckle up, Miss Houston" to the long list of lines that turn on Whitney Houston's cunt switch. A source says that Whitney was sitting in her seat when a flight attendant asked her to put the top boy part into the bottom boy part, but she was not interested and ignored the request. Now, if one of us refused to buckle, we would've been tased in the mouth, kicked off to Guantanamo Bay and they'd still make us pay the $50 fee for checking in our luggage. But not Whitney. A second crew member approached Dionne's cousin and told her that if she didn't strap in she'd have to shoop shoop off the damn plane.

So Whitney had a choice: get kicked off the plane or buckle her seatbelt. Whitney took what was behind door number DIVA and allowed the flight attendant to fasten her seatbelt for her.

A source claims that Whitney is every type of sober and her nerves were just a little splintery from missing her original flight.

You have to be a brave bitch with some still hands to come at Whitney. Imagine having to buckle her in. It would be like trying to wrap a baby bib around a great white shark. It would've been a lot easier if the flight attendant told Whitney that as soon as she fastens her shit, the buckle will press against her belly and all her doody bubbles would pop out right away. Who needs Bobby B Bobby B?

David Gest really needs to keep his bestiality fantasies involving Bubbles, Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson to himself, because the world doesn't want to know the SUCIONESS that slithers around in the gutters of his imagination. Okay, maybe we do, because if he did keep that mess to himself we'd never have this hilariously creepy story about a chimp's toe sucking fetish. This is what David Gest said during a Michael Jackson documentary that's supposed to air in the UK this October:

“Whitney was having dinner with Michael at his Neverland home when she accidentally dropped her knife under the table. While Michael was retrieving it for her, Whitney felt her toes being sucked. She moaned, ‘Michael, is that you? Don’t stop. That’s so sensual’. Yet Michael’s head popped up and her toes were still being sucked. It turned out it was Bubbles."

HAHAHAHA. David needs to show us the receipts or shut his second face, because this really reads like bad fan fiction. Like Whitney would ever use the word "sensual." Bitch isn't Courtney Stodden! Whitney would say something like "Ooooh, baby, suck the dirt out of that nail!" or "Get that jam like your tongue is peanut butter and we're trying to swirl up some Goobers!" or "When you're done there, baby, use that sweet suction cup mouth to suck out my doodie bubble, because I got a boatload with a stuck anchor."

Wait. Maybe that's why they call him BUBBLES?! Shit. Good. Night.

via The Mirror

As Bobbaaaaaay B tries to sleep off the drunks on airplanes, Whitney Houston is still trying to kick the urge to suck on a crack pipe until her brain turns to fog. When Whitney started outpatient rehab last month, there were rumors that she was getting help after getting back on that whack shit. Whitney has yet to talk about this. But TMZ says that she's really trying to keep clean and has hired a life coach to help her.

A source says that Whit just finished up that 30-day outpatient program and is now working with a life coach who is living with her and trying to keep her from dancing something evil in a cloud of crack smoke. The source went on to say, "She really wants it this time."

Whitney's singing voice now sounds like a porcupine scooting a fart over a sheet of sandpaper, but I'm sure once this life coach sorts her out she'll be as good as new!

Take all the time you need, Whit! Pop that crack habit the way Bobby used to pop your doody bubbles! Don't worry, Maya Rudolph is leaving her family so that she can play you full-time while you get your shit together.

If TMZ is telling the truth, then the clip above shows Whitney Houston making her last appearance at a Prince concert. Whit has been a regular fixture at Prince's show and even got on stage at The Forum in L.A. the other night to holler out a sound that I can only describe as sounding like a constipated walrus with laryngitis trying to push a baby out through his penis hole. Prince's audience will no longer get to the hear that sound, because his team has put Whitney Houston's name on their banned list due to her constant acts of drunken mayhem. Whitney is as messy as that raggedy creature on her head.

A source says that even though they never saw Whitney sip on an alcoholic beverage, she's been giving off signs that she's drunk as shit. When Whitney isn't being a fool in the audience, she's begging Prince's people to let her up on stage to perform with him. They give in every now and again, but whenever they do they find themselves faced with a group of people asking for their money back. This has forced Prince to deny Whitney from here on out.

In other Whit Whit news, Radar says that everything old is new again! Specifically, CRACK! They're hearing that Bobby Brown is telling his friends that crack ain't whack to Whitney again. Apparently, Whitney is back in rehab, because she's been hitting the crack pipe like old times. One of Bobby B's friends said, "It's the worst it's ever been. Whitney went on tour again, and that's when the relapse occurred. Whitney's shutting a lot of people out of her life. It is a dire situation."

Do we need to send Diane Sawyer to pay a visit to Whitney's rehab room to try to set her straight again? Get it together, Whit! In ten years, I do not want to be poking at a cold egg breakfast while Whit leans against a cigarette machine and hacks out her greatest hits in between serving burnt hash browns to truckers in a casino diner outside of Laughlin, NV.

On Friday, I posted a few pictures of Whitney Houston looking like she just woke up on the scratchy carpet of a rehab center after spending most of the night licking on her bedspread's dried alcohol stain that was a battle wound from a struggle between a patient and a technician trying to yank the contraband bottle of whiskey out of their hands. There's a good reason for that! Whitney is currently enrolled in an outpatient treatment program. Unfortunately, footage of Cousin Dionne Warwick dragging Whitney by the ankle into rehab doesn't exist, because she voluntarily checked herself in.

Whitney's rep didn't give up that many details in the statement they released to People: "Whitney Houston is currently in an out-patient rehab program for drug and alcohol treatment. Whitney voluntarily entered the program to support her long-standing recovery process."

Hmm. The last time I checked with Candy Finnigan, a "long-standing recover process" didn't involve swallowing your hotel minibar and starting a collection of liquor store receipts. But good for Whitney. Hopefully, when she she's finished with rehab, her thirst for crack (or whatever) will be curbed, but her hunger for bitchery and fuckery won't!

Wonderful and beautiful things happen on Friday (example: you can freely get tanked without worrying about a buzz from an alarm clock stirring your hangover in the morning), so it's no surprise that we've been gifted with these pictures of Whitney Houston looking like an irritated mess while showing up to Prince's show at The Forum in L.A. last night. Yes, only Whitney can give us an "end of the night" look at the beginning of the night.

Whit looks like she just rolled out from under a shrub where she was taking a quick disco nap to prepare herself for witnessing a disciple of Jehovah thrust his shit like it's Christmas (or like it's Thursday night since JWs don't do holidays). You just know there's a shrub somewhere that's covered in scraggles of Whitney's hair.

The best part is that it looks like Whitney is using the life skill that Cousin Dionne Warwick taught her. The skill I'm talking about is cursing a bitch out. The beautiful words "mother," "fucker," " bitchass," "hell," "tutha," and "no" definitely shot out of Whitney's mouth at least twice during this photo series. Whitney didn't use "hussy" because Cousin Dionne owns the copyright to that and you don't want to know what happens if you infringe upon that. Nostrils will flare...

In other Whitney news, Angela Basset announced on The Talk yesterday that there will be a sequel to Waiting to Exhale. YES! Lela Rochon can finally quit her job as the night manager of a Checkers now that she's making her long-awaited return to the big screen!

In this week's National Enquirer (via Boy Culture) are pictures of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown's daughter Bobbi Kristina snorting what looks like a runway of the bad shit. On Radar yesterday, they posted pictures of Andy Dick doing the same thing in a car parked outside of a bar in Woodland Hills, CA. This is why you should only do coke in a polling booth, because those bitches will tackle any trick with a camera.

So, the photos of 18-year-old Bobbi Kristina with her nostril on a snort straw were given to the Enquirer by an ex-boyfriend who is trying to shame her into rehab. The leaker tells the Enquirer that coke isn't the only stuff Bobbi Kris messes with. Apparently, she smokes weed, sucks down beer like a Mexican uncle and drinks Everclear. Whitney can cry for the receipts until her tonsils dry up and drop, but the pictures are straight out of the receipt printer.

BUT Bobbi Kris jumped off the mirror and jumped in front of a computer to take to her Twitter and tell her followers that it's not what it looks like. IT WAS SALVIA DUST! From Bobbi K's Twitter:

The pictures_ a former very dear person to me did this. Set me up to make it look exactly what it looks like. God will smite them yes..But it’s really not what it looks like.. People will do anything for money which is extremely sad, and I’m very hurt by this.Thing’s people do these days to hurt others is a shame. All I can do now, is keep my head up high, keep looking towards the lord.All the lord is telling me is be still. That’s all, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. #BeStill.

I love my family so much. My mom just comforted me to the max, and I’m so thankful for her. Thank you so much lord for blessing me with an Phenomenal family and incredibly phenomenal mother. Thank you for giving me the strength to move forward and put things in the past.

And the person that did this was a result of a horrible relationship that went sour. I was in love_ he was in love with money. I’ve learned My lesson. I’m so much greater and blessed for it today, and I believe nothing less. That is the last I will speak of this, let’s praise god And be greatful and thankful for your family, and people that truly love you, strength, courage, and life lessons learned. GodblessUall «3

What she's trying to say is that COKE IS A JOKE! But what she should really do is grab us by the hand and lead us into her Chinese herbalist's store where she will show us the natural powder she snorts for her migraines (file under: stunts I learned while watching Body of Evidence). Now on to Andy...

The person who gave Radar the pictures of Daphne Aguilera filling his nose hole with Lohan powder says they were taken in a car parked outside of the Corner Club. The source says that before this, they walked into the men's room and caught Andy sucking on some chick's tit. Andy did that for about 15 minutes before he and his lady friend walked to the parking lot. The source goes on, “They were in their own little world. He was oblivious to everything except the cocaine and the woman with him. Andy has openly talked to me about committing suicide and he has definitely hit rock bottom at this point."

ANDY DICK SUCKING ON A NIPPLE BELONGING TO A WOMAN? Coke really is a helluva drug. But the other shocking thing is that two sets of leaked coke snorting pictures came out this week and not one of them stars Charlie Sheen. #win-youknowtherest.

And somewhere in California, Dr. Drew is spinning in a circle because he doesn't know whether he should drag in Bobby Kris or Andy Dick. Somebody take a ballpoint pen, poke it in his reset button and point him in the right direction.

via Jezebel, ONTD & Necole Bitchie

Looking like she just rolled out of a past due Buitoni carton, Lady Gaga performed her new single Born This Way for the first time on the Grammys last night. The foolery is here in case you missed it. It looked like Parasite Hilton's lady condom finally breaking free and celebrating its freedom. It also looked like what you see when you drop acid and stare at a bowl of wet pasta noodles for an hour straight. A mess in need of some Prego.

But that wasn't the only "THE FUCK?" moment that billowed out of Gaga's tuck. When she won Best Pop Vocal Album, she gave a special thanks to a special someone who served as an inspiration for Born This Way. Nope, not Madge. Gaga gently squeezed one of Whitney Houston's stubborn doody bubbles when she said:

"I need to thank Whitney Houston. I wanted to thank Whitney, because when I wrote 'Born this Way,' I imagined she was singing it -- because I wasn't secure enough in myself to imagine i was a superstar. So, Whitney, i imagined you were singing 'Born This Way' when I wrote it."

Klingon Madonna say what?! With all the talk that Born This Way is just a Dolly-fied version of Express Yourself, I really thought she would address this shit by singing a verse of EY or something. But no, Caca gives a subliminal kick to Madge's memaw crotch by thanking Whitney. Whitney is not convinced, though. She responded with this:

Here's more of the movie make-up school drop-out recycling Madge's old Blonde Ambition ponytail at the Grammys last night where she posed with Willow Smith.

Looking like the Alabama Leprechaun in a Rick James wig, Whitney Houston continued to bring people to their feet at London's O2 arena last night. However, bitches didn't stand to honor Whitney's glorious voice, they stood up so that they could bust out of there before their ears turned inside/out like Pete Doherty when you pour soap on him.

It isn't exactly news that a Whitney Houston concert is the equivalent of reading my junior high school journals (sad, painful and nauseating), but she addressed her voice issues during last night's show.

USA Today says that right after she viciously murdered I Will Always Love You, she stopped and told the audience, "She don't want to come, my soprano friend. Sometimes the old girl sings, but not tonight. I want to do it, but she doesn't want to. ... She's getting a little ... temperamental, even."

Whitney blamed it on the air conditioning in the arena, but she should've blamed it on a different kind of air: CRACK AIR. Whitney's soprano friend isn't coming back. Bitch quit Whit a long time ago. It is now happily living in the throat of a tubby Taiwanese boy with Tootie hair. It will not accept Whitney's friend request. Sadly.

If for some reason you need to the clear the room you are currently in, press play on this video of Whitney singing last night.

Somewhere in the world, a crackhead's light bulb pipe just burst.