Jordan & Harvey

Praying in front of your Harvey Price shrine for hours at a time has paid off, because he has been released from the hospital and does not have swine flu. I guess I should go apologize to the bag of pork rinds I farted on at the deli yesterday.

Harvey's memaw rushed to him the hospital on Wednesday, because he had trouble breathing. They suspected that he might have been touched by a case of the Poshes, but doctors say it isn't so.

On GMTV this morning, Peter Andre spoke about Harvey's condition because he knew the world was holding its breath and starting to turn the color of Katie Price's snatch rod. Peter said, "He's OK. He's actually... he's much better. We were there the night before last, and then yesterday he went home early, quite early - so he's better, a lot better. He's fine, he's happy."

And now we can exhale. And it looks like Katie exhaled long before we did, because here she is hitting the pub with Roxy just a few minutes after Harvey came home. Bitch better be going to the bar to pick up a mug of hot bourbon for Harvey's cough.

The clouds are making sad faces this morning because the candy apple of the world's eye, Harvey Price, is in the hospital with a possible case of swine flu. This is serious business because Harvey doesn't do too well when he's got the ills. Harvey is partially blind and suffers from severe autism. Katie Price's rep said that he's doing "very poorly."

Katie was off pimping her book out, but she immediately rushed to be with Harvey, as did Peter Andre. Katie's rep also said: "Katie is very frantic. You would assess a normal child at home, but in Harvey's case as soon as he gets ill he has to go to hospital. Katie is preparing to take time off work until Harvey is well."

Most of the papers/tabloids are saying that Harvey being in the hospital is bringing Katie and Peter back together, but who really gives a dick about them! Instead of wasting keystrokes on Katie and Peter, we should be sending lil' Harvey good thoughts (delivered by a puppy wearing a bunny costume). And if I see a pig today, I swear I'm going to kick it for doing this to Harvey.

Source: The Sun

In case your head has already puked up this pivotal information: Katie Price's cage fighting boyfriend Alex Reid loves to drag it up as his alter ego Roxanne. Katie completely embraces Alex's tranny side and has even stuck her tongue in his tuck. All together now: HASN'T HARVEY BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH?!!!!!!

In the new issue of OK!, Katie says, "I've had sex with Roxanne and I'm not going into details. It wasn't like lesbian sex because he has men's bits. When I split with Pete, I was completely off sex. But I can tell you, Alex has sent my sex drive through the roof."

Thanks for the anatomy lesson, Professor Jordan. Because all of us were under the impression that when you put on a pair of pantyhose a working chocha suddenly grows in your crotch area. If only it worked that way. It would save Lady CaCa a lot of time.

VIA The Mirror

England's finest rose Jodie Marsh put down her fancy tea cup, patted the ends of her mouth with a crisp white napkin and commented on Katie Price's life to the esteemed magazine Zoo (via Metro). And since Jodie is a refined lady who curtsies when she pees, she was as polite as polite can be when speaking about Harvey's mother. It's like Queen Elizabeth herself spoke these words:

"What does Jordan do on a horse? Dressage. Trots around, that's all she does. She doesn't jump. She doesn't do fuck all. She just sits on it, poses and pouts. I started horse riding again recently and I haven't ridden since I was 14. So I've got on it after 17 years, and it's a beast. I cantered him, galloped him and got over proper jumps."

Jodie is talking about actual horses, right? Of the SJP variety? Because I was pretty entertained thinking about Katie Price dressing up a dick in satin and parading it around the room while puckering up her lips. Although, she probably does that with Roxanne.

Jodie didn't end there, she crossed her ankles and demurely placed her hands in her lap before going on about Katie's skills on the fuck mattress, “She's not good in bed – she doesn't know what she's doing. She's as cold as ice, she's got hardly any friends and she's thick as shit! I think anyone who wants to be with Jordan is a bit weird in the first place."

You know, I wasn't sure until I read this interview with Jodie, but now I can say with confidence that we have found this generation's Emily Post!

P.S - Real talk. I think Jodie is just a bit jealous because Roxanne didn't let her lick on his tuck.

Katie Price's boyfriend and Harvey's new punching bag, Alex Reid, not only loves the feeling of gold lame hugging his tucked dick, but there's been whispers that he also gets thirstay for Thai ladyboys every now and again. And now one of those ladyboys has skipped on over to The Sun to say how Alex became obsessed with her.

While Alex Reid was teaching martial arts in Thailand, he got apparently got phuky with a Phuket ladyboy named Kay Kae.

Kay Kae told The Sun that Alex knew she was born with a wang down below, but that didn't stop him from visiting her at the bar she worked at, "He didn't come and drink much because he was too serious about his training. But we'd meet late at the bar and then he'd take me back to the house he used at the camp. He liked me to talk dirty."

According to Kay Kae, Alex never paid her shit, and all they did was kiss and cuddle. Alex co-signed that claim: “We definitely did not have sex. It was all a big misunderstanding and a bit embarrassing.” This isn't as embarrassing as Alex wearing pantyhose with a gold leotard.

In related news, if I chopped my bits and went to Thailand to shake my ass for rent money, I'd go by the name "Kay Kae" too.

Katie Price's current clit tickler, cage fighter Alex Reid, dusted the puss crust off of one of her gold unitards and slipped into it to make his public debut as his alter ego ROXANNE! Alex proved that his tuck game was stronger (Although, there might not be much to tuck) than Lady CaCa's at the launch for Katie's new book at Selfridges in London today. Harvey just filed for emancipation.

Katie made the big mistake of forcing Alex to bring out his better persona, because Roxanne is definitely sessier than Jordan. Who needs dignity, pride or a nutsack when you have leg's like Roxanne's?

And I think Katie thought that if she's surrounded by a bunch of dudes in drag, it would make her look more like a biological woman. When in fact, she looks like she tucks her dick right next to them in the men's bathroom. This is not the look for her. But I will say that her "Marilyn Monroe on acid" wig looks more natural than Kim Zolciak's, so six dick claps for that!

The theme for the day really is balloons on the loose. Katie Price kept with that theme by bringing her twin Harvey heads out in London tonight. I still don't think Katie's boobs are high enough. It's kind of demure. Homegirl should've rang up Snoop Dogg and asked him to hook her tittays up with some hydraulics. That way they could bounce up past her head. Basically, when Katie walks into a room, it should look like two gigantic chichi balls crushing a peacock to death. Need more booooooobs.

Just for the record, I'm sure that wasn't the only peencock laying on Katie's lap tonight.

Katie Price, who has made zillions of dollars from allowing cameras to shoot her every bowel movement, wasn't exactly thrilled with a group of paps yesterday. Katie Spears-ed the pappies by attacking them with her umbrella while screaming at them "get a fucking real job!" That was the punchline.

No, Katie didn't go full Cheeto by shaving her weave off for the occasion, but I'm sure her fat kitty is completely bald, so that sort of counts.

Katie's spokeswhore actually issued a statement about the non-incident: "Kate understands the nature of her job and generally co-operates with the media. But yesterday she said they were being very intrusive and had overstepped the mark."

Or maybe Katie was just in a rush to get home, because the rain was starting to wash away all the layers of orange diarrhea on her skin.

In that picture above, the only thing Alex Reid is thinking about is how he can't wait to get home, rip that dress off of Katie Price's body, slip those shoes off and then put them on himself so he can sashay around like he's LIP-SYNCHING FOR HIS LIFE on RuPaul's Drag Race! According to The Sun, Katie Price's latest fuck time partner just loves the feeling of satin against his rotten orange butt skin and lace over his raisin nipples.

A source said that Alex confessed to Katie that he has been cross-dressing under the name of Roxanne ever since he was 16 and he's not about to stop. Alex goes all out when he becomes Roxanne. Dude tucks his jerky dick into a pair of pantyhose, puts on a sparkly dress, slaps on a wig and sprays a shit load of make-up on his face. And he probably looks hotter than Brooke Hogan after he does it.

Since Katie is an "anything goes" kind of whore, she's fine with Alex wearing her dresses and she's even bought him a pair of high heels. The source went on to say that Katie can't wait to meet Roxanne. Make that two of us!

I'm beginning to like this Alex/Roxanne bitch! Yes, Alex has a face that only Harvey's fist could love, but the ladydude sounds he's down for a good time. I mean, he's a cage fighter by day, and a cage dancer in stilettos by night! Wurk it, GURL!

Somewhere in the world, Peter Andre is making a sad face while wearing a sequined gown, because if he only knew that Katie was fine with dicks in dresses......

Harvey Price's biological father, Dwight Yorke, has slithered out of the gutter and is now ready to raise him as his own. If this doesn't deserve a FUCK OFF stamp from Harvey, I don't know what does.

Dwight, who jumped out of the picture shortly after Harvey was born 7 years ago, told the News of the World that he's always wanted to spend some time with his son, but Katie Price and Peter always put up a stop sign. Now that Peter isn't married to Katie, Dwight wants to be Harvey's full-time father. Dwight said, "Over the years I've heard Katie saying how Andre is Harvey's dad and what a terrible, uncaring father I've been, all of which sticks in my throat. Maybe if she hadn't made life so difficult for me, I might have been able to take a far more proactive role."

Dwight also said that when he found out Peter wanted to adopt Harvey, he was ready to choke the jizz out of him ( try not to touch yourself). Dwight said, "And then they had the gall to talk about Andre adopting him. I so, so wanted to grab him around the neck and throttle him for his insensitivity. So close. Having put up with everything his missus had thrown at me, I now had to listen to this idiot lecturing me on fatherhood? I don't think so. The guy's a muppet."

When the Daily Mail asked Peter about Dwight's comments, he took the dick out of his mouth and responded with, "I do not hate Dwight and I didn't realize he felt that way about me. But I have been a real father of Harvey and he calls me Daddy. I guess that sticks in Dwight's throat."

What's all this "sticks in my throat" shit?! Obviously, Peter and Dwight want to 69 each other.

I'm sure Harvey regularly kicks Peter in the face and wakes him up in the morning by stomping on his stomach, but he does it out of love. That's because Peter is his father. After all, the orange 'mo helped raise Harvey. So Dwight needs to fill out an application, take a number and get to the back of the line marked "Bitches Who Want To Spend Time with Harvey." And the line is looooong.