Truly Awful Music

I had to dig fucking deep while watching "Dancing with the Has-Beens" last night. I faced the ultimate test when Jessica Simpson opened her mouth and sang the most whoreiffic version of Robbie Williams' "Angels" I have ever heard. It sounded like an obese bull frog getting gang banged on bumpy train. You could probably hear the angels wailing in pain if it wasn't for Jessica's butt fuck yodel. Next time she should lip-sync like her sister.

And you know what made it even worse? My nemesis CHERYL BURKE took the stage with Maksim! My senses were violated over and over again! Not only did my ears have to deal with Jessica's croaking, but my eyes had to deal with watching CHERYL BURKE'S back fat sliding back and forth and her mop head bouncing around. The word "torture" was invented to describe that whole performance. The FCC should have shut it down for indecency.

Thankfully, the show redeemed itself when Kim KardASSIAN and her useless big ass were kicked off. Mark Ballas should have just danced with a blow-up doll. He probably would have gotten more emotion out of it.

With Kim leaving that means the real star of the show, Cloris Leachman, gets to dance another week! Viva crazy memaws!

Jack White and Alicia Keys' video for the new Bond theme called "Another Way To Die" is just as shitty as the song. I like Jack and Alicia separately, but put them together and all you get is ear and eye barf. This mess makes me long for Shirley Bassey. Shit, it makes me even miss Sheryl Crow's bond song. No, I didn't mean that.

Jack and Alicia could have covered up the fact that their song sucks with a hot video, but they failed at that shit as well. The beginning part looks like they're inside of an Etch-A-Sketch.

Damn that Wino! If only she wasn't a complete gutter wreck. Her crackie croak would have been a million times better than this shit.

VIA Idolator

Somebody actually let Wonky McValtrex back into the studio to record a new song. Whoever opened the door for her hates music and living things. Wonky debuted her newest skank tune on Ryan Seacrest's show on KIIS-FM this morning. It's called "My BFF" and it's dedicated to the leader of her mutant crab crotch army. They loves each other.

I shouldn't really say that this is Wonky's song, because it obviously belongs to Auto-Tune. Auto-Tune broke a fucking sweat and burned at least a million calories to make Wonky's tattered scab voice sound semi-decent. If Hannah Montana became a crackwhore hooker and was forced to record a song to get her next fix, it would sound like this. The best part of the song is robot lady saying "On Air with Ryan Seacrest" over and over again.

Click here to listen this mess after I gave it such a thrilling review.

This is for the bitches out there smart enough to skip the sleeping pill known as the Emmys. Unfortunately, you can't escape the most bizarre part of the evening. I'm talking about Josh Groban's insane montage of TV themes. I was nodding off like a junkie after a fix for most of the show, but when Josh's mouth opened, my eyes immediately turned on and my ears started screaming, "Why me?!!!"

When he did the "South Park" theme, I had to make sure the weed wasn't spiked with acid. As much as this was horrifically beautiful, you know what would have made it soooo much better? If the amazing performers from "The Way" were his back-up singers and dancers. That would've taken this shit to the next fucking dimension.

Kat DeLuna "sang" the Star Spangled Banner at the start of Monday Night Football and it started out okay.... But then Kat suddenly thought she had the voice of Mariah Carey or Whitney Houston and that's when eardrums started to burst.

This is why most people need to sing the National Anthem like they are in elementary school again. Keep that shit simple or you'll sound like a possum choking on a carrot while jumping on a trampoline. Or in Kat's case, a cat choking on a carrot. Most bitches agreed, because Kat got booed.

Jessica Simpson and her titty balls made their Grand Ole Opry debut on Saturday night and some of the audience members were not pleased with the fact that her rack was out in full display.

One bitch told People: "I think she should have put some clothes on." I think she should have put a muzzle on.

Another ho also complained about Chestica's chest: "I loved that new girl, Crystal [Shawanda] – and she was dressed appropriately." Crystal Shawanda?! I have no idea who that chick is, but she's already my favorite country star of all time. I think the angels gave her that name.

After watching her "performance," I'm more offended by her strained frog warble than what she's wearing. She sounds like a raccoon getting a 5-finger anal exam.

Jessica belongs on a pick-up truck dashboard, not on the stage of the Grand Ole' Opry.

She summed it up herself by saying: "I can't believe I am here!" Somewhere in heaven, Hank Williams is screaming, "ME NEITHER!"

What in the "mother of the bride" hell is sleeping on Beyonce's head? Wake it up with a stick. Be careful though, because it might bite your ass. It looks a little hostile.

Beyonce is playing Etta James in a new movie and I guess she decided to keep the act going by wearing her Etta wig during a performance at Fashion Rocks last night. The wig looks more like a cross between Blanche Deveraux and Nancy Reagan. And it looks like wet cornstarch is the only thing keeping that wig on.

You know Solange was cackling backstage with her pocket mouse friend. Solange shouldn't have laughed though. Beyonce already got her ass earlier in the night. More on that later.

During Fashion Rocks, Beyonce joined Mimi, Mary J. Blige, Miley Cyrus and a bunch of other hos to warble through some song called "Just Stand Up." The performance aired during last night's "Stand Up to Cancer" benefit. Basically, except for Mary J. Blige, they all sounded like they had horny hamsters in their throats. When Mary opened her mouth, they all should have politely excused themselves and allowed her to sing the rest. I think Beyonce's wig was trying to make a run for it.

Miley Cyrus should not be allowed to sing....ever again. Bitch sounded like The Chipettes gone reggae. Not a pretty sound.

Here's more pics of Beyonce at Fashion Rocks last night. She also performed with a big fat douche named Justin Timberlake. He should really just go sit in the corner and fuck a bowl of Wheaties.

John Law is my favorite person of the day! He reviewed Jessica Simpson's performance at the Avalon Ballroom in Ontario,Canada on Wednesday and he basically tore her a new one. Papa Joe, that's just a saying. Jessica doesn't actually have a new hole. You can break your boner now.

John writes in the Niagara Falls Review that the big-tittied frog talked too fucking much and explained what every song meant to her stupid ass. John writes, "Simpson needs to explain in exhausting detail what every single song is about, and the endless banter kills any momentum. She’s still living in a reality show, convinced everyone is so fascinated with her personal life, they’d rather hear her talk than sing." I'd rather she get her jaw wired shut like Tammy did on "The Real World: Los Angeles." Oh shit. Tammy was fucking crazy. I digress.

Throughout the nauseating night, Jessica said she was pregnant with an alien and also had a message from God about one of her songs. Of course, she blabbed about Tony Romo and slammed Nick Lachey for being a "cheater." Same Jessica shit, different day.

Jessica even admitted she has a farting problem: "I do pass gas a lot. I guarantee it smells like roses.” Every time she opens her mouth, a fart comes out. And I guarantee you that it doesn't smell like roses. It smells like Papa Joe slime, Ken Paves boogers, boiled beef and desperation.

Just look at what the sad horse dragged in! It's America's least favorite shameless hooker! I'm surprised Kristy Likes Cocks' album cover isn't a picture of her in an American flag bikini, holding two semi-automatic weapons with "kill the terrorists" flags shooting out of her coochie. And the label really should have went with her original album title: "Kristy Likes Jesus!"

This bitch has the audacity to pose with a weepy horse after she sent her last one to the glue factory in order to pay for her trip to the "American Idol" audition! That poor horse on the cover is thinking, "Why can't she just end my misery by sending me to the same butcher she sent her last horse to?!"

Thanks J

....and it's everything you would expect. It's basically torture for your ears. On a positive note, I think all the wax in my ears melted away.

Heidi explained the deep meaning to her new song "Overdosin" to Ryan Gaycrest on his KISS-FM show this morning. She said it's about "when you fall in love with someone... and you're just overdosing off of their love." Okay, that pretty much confirms that Spencer probably writes her songs for her.

I want to fucking overdose after listening to that pony warble. It's horrific. It sounds like Parasite Hilton's twatty lips singing into a fan.

VIA UsWeekly