Truly Awful Music
And here's another example for why country-rap crossover songs are the worst. (I will eat every single one of my words if Dolly Parton and Khia put out a song together). In Brad Paisley's new song "Accidental Racist," he starts out telling a story about how a dude at Starbucks threw a side-eye at the Confederate flag t-shirt he was wearing. Brad wants that dude to know that he wasn't declaring his love for slavery by wearing that shit, he was just declaring his love for Skynyrd. Then Brad goes on to sing about how it's hard being white before LL Cool J comes in and raps about how it's hard being black and they both go on and on about how we need to stop judging each other. It's like a bizarro remake of Ebony and Ivory. The chorus goes like this:
I'm just a white man comin' to you from the south land tryin' to understand what it's like not to be.
I'm proud of where I'm from but not everything we've done. It ain't like you and me can rewrite history.
Our generation didn't start this nation. We're still pickin' up the pieces, walkin' on eggshells, fightin' over yesterday.
Caught between southern pride and southern blame.
And LL Cool J raps out the lines “If you don’t judge my do-rag, I won’t judge your red flag” and "If you don't judge my gold chains, I'll forget the iron chains." Fuckery everywhere!
After some people declared this song the worst thing they've ever heard, Brad wanted to clear some shit up and he explained the song to Entertainment Weekly. Brad said that it's not a stunt and he's not trying to get attention. Brad just wanted to start a conversation about racism and symbols and Starbucks and shit. Here's a small piece of what Brad said:
I just think art has a responsibility to lead the way, and I don’t know the answers, but I feel like asking the question is the first step, and we’re asking the question in a big way. How do I show my Southern pride? What is offensive to you? And he kind of replies, and his summation is really that whole let’s bygones be bygones and ‘If you don’t judge my do rag, I won’t judge your red flag.’ We don’t solve anything, but it’s two guys that believe in who they are and where they’re from very honestly having a conversation and trying to reconcile.
“I’m with my audience 100 percent in the Southern pride thing, in the same way that a Yankees fan is very proud of where he’s from — that’s LL. We’ve got pictures of him in a New York Yankees cap doing his vocal, which is so appropriate.
“But, you know, it’s such a complicated issue — I’m reading up on it now, [since] I felt I needed to be well-armed for any discussion – and here he is in a Yankees cap, and you think to yourself, ‘Well here is the antithesis of what was the problem.’ But it’s not. New York City was all for slavery. They actually voted 60 percent against — or maybe 70 against — Abraham Lincoln because they didn’t like the idea of slavery going away because there goes cotton and there goes tobacco trade, you know what I mean? It’s very hypocritical to feel like it’s just the South’s fault.
“But, at the same time, symbols mean things, and I know one thing: It just doesn’t do any good to blatantly do things and be like, ‘Just get over it.’ That’s not what we’re saying. This is a very sensitive subject, and we’re trying to have the discussion in a way that it can help.”
If Brad and LL Cool J really wanted to end racism through song, they should've just done a cover of this:
Kandi Burruss of The Real Housewives of Atlanta knocked the wig off of Kim Zolciak's head when she sued Kim for not giving her a dime of Tardy For The Party's profits. Kim slapped back at Kandi by claiming that she did give Kandi a cut of the profits and now Kandi is slapping back harder. The war between Kandi and Kim is now claiming causalities and those casualties are our ear drums.
Kandi obviously gave Funky Dineva this raw and untouched recording of the wailing wig yodeling out tattered and bruised musical notes while trying to sing "The Ring Didn't Mean A Thing." I guess being on key doesn't mean a thing either. Before you press play, you better prepared to laugh, cry and plug your ears to stop the bleeding. Pressing play will also bring the animal police to your front door, because this sounds like a deaf dog getting choked out. And all those "whoahs" sound like a drowning Joey Lawrence.
Kandi is oh so right for this. Or should I say, Kandi is whoaohwhoahohwhoah so right for this.
The Beyhive fell off the damn tree, cracked open and all the Beyhivers went crazy yesterday when Beyonce released her first solo song in 2 years on Tumblr. Nobody knows if "Bow Down/I Been On" is the first single off her new album or if it's just a song she decided to release to her subjects, because she really wanted to see them head bop their wigs off as they thrust against the floor to this mess of a song. The Catholic Church also announced that "Bow Down" will be Pope Francis the Fist's new entrance anthem.
The song actually sounds like 4 songs crashing into each other. It's like a car crash opera for my ears. In the first part, Beyonce sings about how her subjects better bow down and worship at the altar of her lace front and in the second part she drops her voice to do some rapping. Here's a piece of the lyrics:
I took some time to live my life, but don't think I'm just his little wife
Don't get it twisted, get it twisted, this my shit, bow down bitches
Blue Ivy Carter better get song writing credit for this shit, because the second line is the first thing she said as soon as she came out of the womb.
And if you need to hear this corrupted MIDI file of a song, spray holy water in your ears before pressing play, because this is an Illuminati aria if I ever heard one.
With that being said, I can't wait to see the Glittery Gays of You Tube twerking their asses to this in their mother's front room. They better pull out their Barbie My Size Royal Throne Playset from storage, because this song is going to need some regal props.
Okay, maybe it's not dripping with candy-coated elegance, but it's definitely dripping with something, because my eyeballs are sticky in a bad way and the rest of my day will be spent scrubbing my retinas with a Chore Boy and two cans of Ajax (with BLEACH!). Speaking of Chore Boys, everybody who helped in the making of the porn iguana's debut music video was obviously smoking from a Chore Boy crack pipe, because this is an illegal mess.
If you've ever wondered what a Skinemax movie would look like if a perma-horny, cotton-mouthed iguana in a thirsty weave was cast as the lead, you'll get your answer when you watch Courtney Stodden's video for her auto-tuned as fuck single "Reality." Courtney's video has a budget of zero (that's being generous), all of the sophisticated ensembles she's wearing were snatched from a dumpster behind a third-tier stripper shop on Hollywood Blvd. and several laws were broken while making this.
I couldn't find an embeddable clip, which probably isn't a bad thing, because Dlisted has been hit with way too many fake Malware warnings this week and it really doesn't need another one. So you have to go to E! to watch Courtney's latest assault on your soul. You should run the shower before you hit play, because you will want to jump into it afterward.
That being said, Courtney's video is a complicated piece of art and I'm sure that the authority on all things artistic, James Franco, will teach an entire course on it at RISD in the fall.
Here's the video for will.i.am and Brit Brit's song "Scream & Shout" and this commercial for a million products is better on your ears if you hit the mute button. Brit Brit is arm dancing like she's never arm danced before! I hope she had at least two 5 minute breaks during the 20 minutes it took to shoot this video, because all that arm dancing looks exhausting. Even though bitch ain't got no brows (Note: Seriously, they couldn't cut pieces of her weave off and use 'em for brows?), she hasn't looked this hot in a long time and that's mainly because she looks like a drag queen Linda Evans as Barbarella.
And Brit Brit's messed up BRITish accent tells me that even she would've made a better Elizabeth Taylor than Lindsay Lohan.
Today's theme is turning into "songs that'll make your ear holes give birth to two terrifying bundles of bloody screams," so let's go all the way with this clip of OctoMom's first (and hopefully for the sake of EVERYTHING, last) song called "Sexy Party," which would make sense as a title if "sexy" was another word for "painful" and "party" was another word for "death."
TMZ posted a clip of Octo's latest attempt at #gettingmoneybitch and it's as terrible as it's cover and it's totally the reason for why I have anal leakage. (Yes, it's the reason for my anal leakage. I'm sticking to that. I'm sticking to other things too, but I'm mostly sticking to that right now.) The clip is short, so it won't hurt that much, but it's still the morning after pill of songs.
Auto-tune truly is the work of Lucifer, because it makes any and every fame whoring tone-deaf trick think they can throat fart out lyrics in a song. But you know, it could be worse, it could be another one of Farrah Abrawhatever's songs. And did that bitch just name drop "Octoloan"?!
I just gave birth to a trio of fuckyous for the three of you hateful bitches who sent this to me and then I gave birth to a fuckme for pressing play on this musical abortion of a song even though I knew it would be the worst thing that happened to my ears.
Since I only fill my head with television programs of the highest cultural quality (examples: Bad Girls Club Mexico and Hollywood Exes), I don't watch Teen Mom at all. So I don't know if Farrah Abraham is the one who turned her baby's bottle into a meth pipe or if she's the one who got her baby's water wings surgically shoved into her chest. I don't know, but now I do know Farrah Abraham as the tone deaf trick who's responsible for making ears barf out buckets of blood.
I know I exaggerate about everything, but I'm not exaggerating about this. It's like Farrah was taking a bath in battery acid when somebody threw a plugged-in synthesizer into the tub and recorded her electrocuted screams. If you took a scratched Crystal Castles CD, put it into a factory-defected Discman, pressed play and then tossed it into a garbage disposal, it would sound like this song. It really is like an auto-tuned massacre.
Recently, I made the biggest mistake of my life (next to listening to this) by getting Zoom whitening. If you've never gotten Zoom, don't do it. Just rinse your mouth with Clorox like a sane person. During the 12 hours after I got that teeth torture treatment, it felt like my teeth were strapped to tiny electrical chairs. Out of nowhere, I'd get these "zings" that felt a million times worse than chewing on a ball of foil. You'd hear Farrah's song if you held a stethoscope up to one of my teeth as it ZINGED out. What I'm trying to say is I'd rather get Zoom whitening on my ass lips than listen to this piece of shit song again.
I totally sold this song to you, right? Enjoy!
One of the original Teen Moms, Jamie Lynn Spears, is trying to become a country star and has been trying to pay her dues by singing at bars in Nashville. During a showcase at Nashville's 3rd and Lindsley Bar & Grill last night, Jay-meeeeeeeeeeee Liiiiiiiiiiiin (Note: Every time you say her name you should shout it out of the window while holding a dinner bell) warbled out a song she wrote for the older sister who paved the road that led to that Nickelodeon show. The song is called "I Look Up To You" and I wish Jamie Lynn would take a quick second from looking up to Brit Brit to look down at Brit Brit, so she can tell that ho to burn those fugilicious UGGs.
It makes sense why Jamie Lynn wants to be a country star. Jamie Lynn looks Carrie Underwood-ish in the face and sounds like a deaf Taylor Swift (that's saying a lot). I know it's the thought that counts (which is a sugary way of saying "keep your thoughts to yourself"), but this shit is NO "He's My Brother."
Lindsay Lohan's former partner in pussy is taking a break from making hundreds of thousands of dollars for pressing playing on iTunes at parties and is trying to the whole singing thing. I have no doubt that SamRo can press the fuck out of a play button on an iPod, but daaaamn her singing voice makes me wish she came with a mute button. SamRo's album "Chasing the Reds (An Ode To Period Sex)" is out now and she warbled out one of the songs on LIVE! With Kelly this morning. If you've ever told a lame dog that its soul-killing painful yelp is the worst thing that has ever touched your ears, then you need to send that lame dog an apology card. Because this shit is worst. SamRo getting a record tells me that every drunk frat boy who sounds like hell while singing a Bruno Mars song during karaoke night at the sports bar (you know who you are) should also get a record deal.
I was going to throw hate at Kelly Ripa for saying that SamRo's piece of shit song is going to be all the rage in bars, but then I realized that she's probably telling the truth. Whenever a bar is slow, they're going to put on this SamRo song and BOOM! Every ho in there will buy a shot of EVERYTHING and drink until the booze overflows up into their head and drowns out their sense of hearing.
Magical seahorse Antoine Dodson is trying hard to break out of being that "Hide Yo Kids!" ho and so he put out a new ballad that sounds like something two robots would slow fuck to since his natural singing voice has been covered with so much auto-tune that what comes out of his mouth is the same shit that comes out of Rosie the Robot's mouth when she orgasms. Even though this auto-tuned to infinity and beyond mess is completely unnecessary and I just want to wear one of his plastic micro braids as a friendship bracelet, I hope this song goes triple Reynolds Wrap. 2012 really needs its own Tevin Campbell and 'Toine might be it.