Truly Awful Music

This is JLo's new single. And it's called "Louboutins" (pronounced "Looweebatons" in JLo-talk). I understand if the song title alone makes you want to shut down this browser window, open up your iTunes and punch it really really hard. I understand. Because once you realize this song is not a Digital Short from Saturday Night Live, you really won't be laughing.

This shit may be called "Looweebatons," but it sounds more like a shit-stained Payless pump lying in the gutter all alone after a homeless crackhead hooker lost it there while she was running from the police.

via ONTD

JLo has decided to give the music thing another shot. She's got a new song out called "Fresh Out of the Oven," but she's releasing it under her new alter ego "Lola." That means JLo is dead, and LOLa is now here to terrorize us with her high-pitched shrills that no amount of auto-tune can hide. When JLo, I mean, JLola, hits those sky high notes, angels cut out their ear drums.

The title totally works since this song makes me want to push something fresh (it's not-so-fresh) out of my butt oven. Sorry, it was necessary. And why is JLola singing about her cookie?! Instead of singing about cookies, bitch needs to make some to give to Skeletor.

VIA Idolator

Aubrey O'Day has already shit on the timeless masterpiece that is Eddie Murphy's "Party All The Time" and now she's squatted over New Order's "Bizarre Love Triangle." And she changed the lyrics. Way to take a strap-on to a song and ass fuck it without lube.

If Bizarre Love Triangle fell on hard times, was forced to give blow jobs in truck stop bathrooms for food stamps and caught throat gonorrhea, it would sound just like this. No, that's not a compliment. Not this time anyway.

VIA I'm Not Obsessed

After reading about the sadness that is Sam the koala's death (see below), we all could use a laugh. So here's one: Posh Beckham is going to be a guest judge on American Idol. You know, that singing competition. Yes, Posh is actually going to judge people's singing abilities. I'm not saying that Paula Abdul was Pavarotti, but DAMN TO THE FUCK! I mean, this isn't America's Next Mayjah Non-Food-Eater or America's Next Mayjah Non-Smiler. Although, both of those would be good shows.

Posh's spokeswhore tells SkyNews that this is just going to be a one night stand. Posh isn't about to replace our very little crazy pillhead. Besides, Posh is too busy working on her fashion line and walking through airports in ankle-killing heels. Seriously, she's always walking through airports.

Okay, Posh on Idol could be entertaining if her critiques are something along the line of this: (picture her saying this to a girl who weighs less than a lima bean) "You know, your voice could be mayjah if you weren't SO FUCKING FAT."

In other news, Michael Vick has just been announced as a permanent judge on Groomer Has It!

File this under: Ideas you come up with during Happy Time Cokey Hour should stay in Happy Time Cokey Hour.

Aubrey O'Day (the breathing foundation puff from Danity Kane) and her friend SnL decided it would be really entertaining to cover Eddie Murphy's "Party All The Time" (aka the song that makes tranny dick stand up and salute). There's so many effects on this shit that it sounds like Aubrey has a vibrator up her yes-yes hole and is singing into a fan. Aubrey, don't make Eddie take the salty nutsack out of his mouth so he can come and slap you in the teefs for messing with his masterpiece.

Seriously, why tinker with something that is already soooo perfect:

Source: Celebuzz

Mel Gibson is still trying to make his knocked up mistress whore happen. This is a video for the second single "Beautiful Heartache" off of Oksana Grigorieva's new album which was produced by Sugar Tits himself. The video was also directed by Mel in Mexico. Usually, a soggy butt nugget only takes a few minutes to come out (after a cup of Sanka), but this one took seven whole days!

I hope OctoSana's vagina produces prettier sounds than her mouth hole does, because the bitch cannot sing worth a dick! Mel needs to do an exorcism on her vocal chords! It's a good thing the ho got knocked up, because she's not going to make her fortune in music.

And what is she singing about anyway? "I love the way you wear your skin"?! The fuck? This sounds like Buffalo Bill's big number from Silence of the Lambs the Musical.

VIA PopEater

That's the only reasonable explanation I come up with as to why Papa Joe thinks it's a brilliant idea for his daughter Asshole Simpson to record an album of Michael Jackson covers. Page Six says that Asshole's pimp is giving her music career mouth-to-mouth (Papa Joe's chonies just filled up) by pitching the album to executives.

I have a feeling that Asshole's "boar with bad allergies getting butt fucked with a taser gun" voice singing "Thriller" would cause Michael Jackson to rise from the dead so that he could moonwalk all over her mouth hole! Maybe that's not such a bad thing after all.

Not an album of farts. Not an album of queefs. Not an album of fuck moans. Not an album of ass cheek clapping. Although, if she claps her ass really fast I'm sure it can whistle Juvenile's "Back That Ass Up." That album would go double toilet paper roll. No, Kim Kardassian is working on an album of MUSIC. At least that's what she's calling it.

BET says that Kim is in the studio working on an "R&B flavored" album. I guess Ray-J taught her everything she needs to know about R&B while he was slapping her nalgas with his Frankenpeen.

Kim recently spoke out about making "music," “I’d have to hear a song and feel it out and see if it’s something I’d sound good at. I would like the music to sound a bit like Lady GaGa, Britney Spears and J.Lo with a bit of an R’n’B twist to it… Filming the video would be fun, that would be the best bit…”

Oh! So that's why Kim wants to get into the business. Bitch just needs another reason to act like a ho. Kim has already peppered her extreme skankness on TV, the internet, magazines, DVDs and on every member of the NFL, so now she's taking on music. Or should I say "destroying" music. Bitch, don't you know that you don't need to put out an actual album to act like a big ass slut in a music video? That's what YouTube is for!

VIA Crunk + Disorderly

Pour a little battery acid in your Sanka and drink up, because you're going to need it to deal with this skanktardian pig shit! Jesus-loving Christian Heidi Montag has a new broke ass home video out for her single "Blackout." The title is fitting since Twit & Twat are in a permanent blackout.

This video makes Girls Gone Wild look like it was directed by Cecil B. DeMille. This cacaness ain't even worth a box of Canels. Heidi can't even do jazz hands, right!

They made this shit in Mexico, so I was going to make a joke about the oinky ills, but even the swine flu wouldn't get near these two assholes. It said, "I'll fucking pass" and moved right along.

And you thought only Horsey Montag's songs could make your ears attempt suicide? Well, you better clear the room of any sharp objects, because Spencer Twatt has a new "rap song" under the stage name "The Great White TRASH." This suckery is being used to promote his new reality shit show I'm Not A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! Skat Kat's ass lips rap better than Fleshy McPubestache. I swear. Can we get Suge Knight on this NOW?!

Spencer debuted the song on Ryan Seacrest's KIIS-FM show this morning. If you feel like you need a reason to kick a kitten, click here. I blame Vanilla Ice for this.