Truly Awful Music

I'm sure that title alone made your ears curl up into your head where they are shaking and waiting for the coast to clear. It's really as awful as it sounds. This kills SOULS. This kills BONERS. This kills EVERYTHING.

At a Chicago Cubs game today, some hateful bitch gave Denise Richards a microphone so she could screech "Take Me Out To The Ballgame." The grass died, hundreds of birds committed mass suicide, clouds exploded, children turned into dust and Denise kept on going.

If two cats in heat every wake you up in the middle of the night, just play this for them and it will instantly turn each of them into THIS.

(Thanks Cara)

I'm sure that during your morning bowel movement, you asked yourself, "I wonder what Hottie, the trick who microwaved raw chicken, from Flavor of Love is up to?" Well, ask and you shall receive. Hottie has covered up her naturally blonde locks, reeled in her "STAINS on crack" eyes and stripped down to serenade you with her version of "Amazing Grace."

During the first minute, I think she's passing a few basketball-sized kidney stones through her pee-hole, but then she really throws her hands on the casket and gets right into it. And when she does, I feel like I need to pass a kidney stone. I mean, she should not be doing that. People are trying to sleep!

If you make it to the end of the clip and have the urge to "learn more about this artist" by e-mailing her, please e-mail Jesus instead, because you need help!

VIA Crunk + Disorderly

If you have a reason to hate your ears this morning, then punish him by listening to this terrorist act on your eardrums. If you've got any hair in your ears you want to get rid of, you can listen to this mess too and that shit will burn off in a quick second. Cancel that laser hair removal appointment!

TMZ posted a clip Howard Stern played yesterday which is supposedly the unedited board feed from Beyonce's performance on Today back in November. A wildebeest getting DPed with two hot curling irons probably sounds more pleasant than this.

This has just become my new ringtone. I can't wait to see bitches run for cover when my phone rings.

No Doubt is better than this and that's why their cover of Adam and the Ants' "Stand and Deliver" has kicked me in the soul as well as in the ear drums. I'm one of the lone hos who actually liked their cover of "It's My Life," but this is butchery in the first degree. Gwen Stefani just wasn't meant to sing some things and this is one of them.

VIA ONTD

Eminem's shiny new video for "We Made You" started playing on MTV this morning when it really should have started playing last year. The video is a newborn baby and it already has old face. BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT!

My nipples get moist when Eminem makes fun of dumb whores, but this just feels dated. I mean, he skewers SamRo & HoHan (DONE), Aniston & Mayer (DONE), Sarah Palin and Jessica Simpson as Daisy Duke.

Although, Eminem is no longer double-stuffed and he's looking better in the body area (unless he tripled up on the Spanx). And if his comeback doesn't work out, he can easily replace Bret Michaels on Rock of Love AS Bret Michaels. Seriously, I had to slap my eyeballs a couple of times before I realized that actually wasn't Bret.

That's how long it took me to hit the CLT+ALT+IQUITTHISBITCH command on this lukewarm pile of absolutely horrificness. And of course it comes to us from the walking puss-filled ass wart known as Heidi Montag. Seriously, my ears were about to crawl into my head to escape this slaughter. I can't even call this music. This is a terrorist attack and should be treated as such! Every day is April Fool's for this piece of chewed off scab.

Ryan Gaycrest attacked humanity this morning by debuting Heidi's "Look How I'm Doing" on his KIIS-FM show. More like Look How I'm Doody (GONG!). This might be the first time that every effect on a Playskool Magic Keyboard has been used on a "song." And it also makes sense that Heidi sounds like she's getting a train ran on her while "singing" this mess, because that's what she had to do to get this fuckery made.

You will need to cleanse your ears, so allow Top Design's Wisit to wash away the ugliness you just listened to.

The pictures of Joaquin Phoenix looking like a slobbery hairball coughed up by some beat down alley cat have already tortured your retinas enough, so I figured I'd post a picture of him when he was a hot piece. When he didn't look like you could find a crusted-over block of Philadelphia cream cheese under his dick. Oh, memories.

Not only has your eyes suffered burns from Joaquin's new look, but your ears also have battle scars if you listened to new his new "hip-hop" act. There was a lot of talk that his new act was just that....a fucking act. Some whore said it was all performance art. Joaquin is now swearing on his maggot-covered nutsack that his new rap career is authentic.

Joaquin told the Associated Press (via People), "There's not a hoax. Might I be ridiculous? Might my career in music be laughable? Yeah, that's possible, but that's certainly not my intention. I had a lot of dudes (MK says, 'KFed and MC Skat Kat don't count, Joaquin') come up and say, `We really respect you for doing it, putting yourself out there, and going with it. Because I think true hip-hop heads know that it's hard, it's going to be a hard transition, and people are going to be lining up just to make fun of me."

The recession is a living, breathing thing and Joaquin is pulling this shit? Well, at least he already has the crazy hobo look down when all his money dries up. Seriously, I just wish he would push his rap skills down in the basement where they belong and put on a clean, cozy straitjacket.

Sasha Fierce strikes again! She totally whispered into the vents, "Soooolaaaaange.... Your destiny is to cover Coldplay.... It is your destiny.... fulfill it." Solange thought the basement voices were speaking to her again and this is how this shit was born. If you stick your ear close to the speaker, you can almost hear Sasha Fierce's haughty laugh because she got Solange again! Damn!

Even though my ear drums will never be the same, I do like Solange's "cramped in the basement" moves. These are the moves she pulls when she's wiggling through the air ducts to escape the basement.

And since we're on the subject of Sasha Fierce's fuckery, here's a bonus clip of an all-stars Single Ladies tribute starring Cubby, Arianna and those three BBWs on THE LOOK AT ME, I"M TY TY BANKS SHOW last week. Ty Ty obviously couldn't afford Shane Mercado's services.

Thanks Eli & Amiee

This shit is going around the internets and it's supposedly the most powerful man in the universe Brooke Hogan screeching along to Kelly Clarkson's "My Life Would Suck Without You."

You know, for lunch I had a Cup O Noodle, six Bagel Bites and like eight Pepperidge Farm Milanos. That shit has made me feel bloated everywhere. Even in my fingernails. That's why I'm going to listen to Brooke's trans warble over and over again. If I listen to it enough, I may start barfing up my lunch through my ears. Brooke will be doing me a favor.

This shit sounds like she recorded it while doing karaoke by herself. Her peen hole would've sang it better.

P.S. - Blame MileyLovesYou11 for this suckery.

VIA ONTD

I was beginning to think that American Idol looser (that's how we spell it around these parts) Sanjaya was working as a morning-shift shampoo girl at some salon in Shoreline, Washington, but he isn't! Sanjaya is leaping back into America's hearts like a precious deer with flowing Yanni-like locks with his new EP "Dancing to the Music in My Head" due out in exactly two weeks!

I wish Sanjaya's music in his head would stay there....forever. Yes, keep the music in your head, Sanjaya. It's safe there. No one will hurt it if it just stays in your head and isn't released into the wild. You can even dance to it. By yourself. Alone. In your head. Alone. Keep it there.

I feel like if I was trippin' out on shrooms or computer duster, I would completely become one with this album cover. I would dance inside this Cost Plus fuckery amongst the stars and swirlies. But since I'm as sober as a 4-year-old, it looks like it was made by his fans. And by "fans" I mean his big-tittied sister and that crazy crying girl. Actually, scratch that crazy crying girl. Even she moved on to David Archuleta and his baby teeth.

If you did some fucked up shit last night and need to torture yourself, head on over to Amazon to preview some of his songs. Or better yet, just watch Sanjaya's performance below. Watching this Bollylimp shit is like the equivalent of cutting yourself, but it won't leave nasty scars. i-Cutting!

Source: SOW