Truly Awful Music

If Blanket Jackson cloned himself twice and started a Hanson tribute band, it would look just like this latest nugget of fuckery cooked up by Richard Heene (aka Balloon Boy's dad). Richard has a totally useless piece of shit product out called the Bear Scratch, which is literally just a piece of wood, and has forced his boys out onto the ho stroll to whore that mess out for him in a music video. The result will make you want to scratch your eardrums and eyeballs out on the nearest tree. And since the nearest tree is almost 2 blocks away, I guess I'll have to buy a Bear Scratch. Fuck.

And I can't wait to see the leather bears get down to the dance remix version of this at The Eagle.

via Media Bistro

Sort of. Not really. But Hugh Jackman almost became a one-eyed Australian butt pirate today when a zip-lining stunt went terribly wrong! Hugh was supposed to make a grand entrance onto Oprah's show at the Sydney Opera House (please don't tell me they renamed it the Sydney Oprah House for her), but he hit the brakes too late and crashed into one of the lighting rigs. HUGH! You must protect THE FACE at all times! That's your money. This is an Australian law! Get a front face helmet! And two nipple helmets too while you're at it.

Here's the footage of Hugh's eye violently eye fucking a lighting rig. If you laugh, Hugh's baby frenchie makes a sad with his little mouth.

People says that Hugh's injury was as serious as a cum splatter to the eye. Paramedics patched up his small eye bruise and Hugh went on with the show. Hugh told the audience not to put the stunt team on execution row for the accident, because it was totally his fault: "I came down waving to everyone, looking over Sydney Harbor, saw my dad, the kids and you, went to pull the brake and then boing. Totally my bad."

It's a good thing that Hugh didn't lose his eyeballs, because then he wouldn't do that adorable "OW IT STINGS" thing when you get a little of your goodness on him during fucky times. But even if he did lose his eye, I'm sure Oprah would've given him a new one with diamonds in it. You get an eye, and you get an eye, and YOUUUUUU get an eye!

Just thinking about all the porcelain white pubes Kunty Karl's human Baptiste Giabiconi had to pull out of his teeth to make this video is almost worth the price of pressing play. Baptiste is trying to become a world famous pop star sensation and his first stab at that title is as spectacularly awesome as jacking off with a hand full of Axe body spray. It tingles and it stings, but mostly it's a huge mess. The song would be better with a tab of Ecstasy, a carton of orange juice and a shirtless sweaty piece humping behind you, but it's the video that is the real star of Baptiste's career!

This acid wash shit is like a cross between a Guess Jeans cologne commercial circa 1992 and Ke$hit's interpretation of Rebel Without A Cause.

I love it when Baptiste defends his bruised and battered love interest by puffing his chest at her boyfriend. ZOOLANDER PLEASE! Baptiste is not about to brawl when he's got a face as pretty as his to protect. Because it's NOT worth it.

This is definitely the future of music!

via Jezebel

Jersey Shore two-time dropout Angelina has achieved the impossible: She makes me wish that I was being fucked in the ear hole with a Ke$hit song instead of with her debut single "I'm Hot". Souls will vomit! Ears will file for Chapter 11!

This hurtful mess could scare the mutant crabs off of The Situation's crotch and could melt every thick layer of orange off of any guido's skin. This is what Satan's mating wail in HELL sounds like and your ear drums will jump out of your heard to answer to his call. Congratulations, Satan, you really did TOP THAT.

via Hollywood Life

The prostitution whore-ah formerly of The Real Mobwives of New Jersey Danielle Staub is pulling out the kind of raw emotion you usually see at 2am on Lifetime in her new music video for the song "Cry." This mess will definitely make you weep through eyes, ears and possibly other parts depending how sober you are.

In the video, Danielle softly sings out the pain brought upon her by a man while a table top fan from Home Depot set to low gently touches her weave. How many times do you think bitch yelled cut and accused the fan of trying to murder her by snatching her weave tracks out?

This is supposed to be a PSA for domestic abuse, but it's mostly a PSA for fuckery. Well done!

via Radar

Justin Bieber has birthed out an alter ego he's calling "Shawty Mane" ("Shawty Mane" might also be Kanye's nickname for his taint bush, so somebody should fact check that) for his new career in rap! Even though a newborn wearing glasses never fails to entertain and Shawty Mane singes the tips of Tom Brady's copycat Bieber bowl, I cannot with this right now.

Isn't there some kind of kindergarten version of the East Coast/West Coast feud we can throw Shawty Mane into? P-Nut, Astro Kid and Mini Daddy better pick a side of the playground wisely!

via XXLMag

If Teyana Taylor's "Google Me" got brutally attacked in the froat by a rabies-infested blonde coyote with mange and was forced to get an artificial voice box installed, its first words would sound just like Kim Zolciak's new "song" called "Google Me." Nay Nay Semel is thisclose to filing a copyright infringement lawsuit, because Kim's song is a "you dumb fuck" away from being her signature line!

Above is just a preview of the song, but I don't need to hear the whole thing to know that Kim obviously snatched these lyrics from a 90s cheer squad at a high school whose literacy rate is below 10% (probably my high school).

This Benji the Hunted bitch needs to stop. Bitch's song is way too broke for the Google name. More like, "AltaVista me".

(Thanks to all who sent this mess in. My dog hates you now.)

To me, "Bad Romance" was meant to be sung by a bitch who has a voice like a chain-smoking seal with cotton mouth and chronic asthma, so Courtney Love's version completely works for me! After showing up nearly 90-minutes late, Courtney stumbled onto the stage at Don Hill's in NYC last night and hocked up an ash-encrusted loogie that some are calling her cover of "Bad Romance." And as Courtney was singing it, all the beef on Lady Caca's meat gown dried up and turned to jerky.

Somebody who was there tells Vulture that Courtney was at the tippity top top of her game last night. At one point during her show, Courtney was sick of the voices in the audience drowning out the voices in her head, so she shouted at the crowd, “Shut the fuck up, or I’m walking the fuck off. I mean it."

A true Courtney fan loves that kind of verbal kick to their ears, so they all stayed and begged for more. At the very end of her set, someone in the audience told Courtney they loved her. Courtney responded with, "You don't even know me." HAHA! It was probably one of her back alley pharmacists thanking her for the business and she just fucked herself.

Here's a few pictures of Courtney from the other night rocking her third (or is it fourth?) new face and a chest chain. If Sharon Stone's character in Casino was still alive today, she would look like this mess.

RiRi, who has a 9-inch long forehead, and Willow Smith, who is 9 years old, both have new songs and let's throw them into the ring to battle it out against each other, shall we? First up is the grown ass Willow Smith who released the first single off her next album called "Only Girl (In The World" (above).

This confirms that RiRi is an alien cyborg from a planet far far away, because she just released a full album two hot seconds ago and she's already got a new song on a new album out. Damn. Even auto-tune needs a break! Anyways, I would be all over this song if I was messed up on K in the middle of a gay club circa 2001 with my rave whistle firmly in my mouth. Seriously, this song was made for the annoying dude with the rave whistle who killed everyone's buzz by blowing with the beat. Because this song provokes rave whistle foolery, I cannot condone it. Now on to the mini Riri...

Willow Smith, the daughter of musical genius (sprayed with a generous amount of sarcasm) Will Smith, is sashaying onto the music game with her new single "Whip My Hair" (below). When I was 9-years-old, I could maybe come up with a 15-second-long song about saliva bubbles, so Willow has me beat (Ed note: I still could only come up with a 15-second-long song about saliva bubbles and that's it). This is definitely a song Tommy Girl is going to twerk it to, so I will declare Willow as the winner of this battle.

But seriously, both of those songs make me want to cleanse my ears out with some real music... You know, like Stacey Q or Stevie B!

via ONTD

The Children's Choir of Hades, which masquerades under the name Kidz Bop while performing here on Earth, has conjured up an instant classic with their cover of Xtina's HO SHIT ANTHEM "Not Myself Tonight." Tipper Gore does not need to step in here, because the "fuck yous" have been replaced with "boo hoos". So parents can let the baby prostitots and postnatal pimps in their lives shake their low-rise Pull-Ups to this without feeling an ounce of guilt!

Since these bratlings are singing about how they are not themselves tonight, does that mean they are actually behaving, being polite and not rolling their eyes at you when you tell them that they cannot watch another episode of Waverly Place or whatever shit they are filling their heads with? If that's the case, this can be used as a parenting tool!

via ONTD