Truly Awful Music

It's wrong of me to judge something when I haven't listened to the entire thing, but I couldn't make it past the 1:04 mark of John Mayer's cover of Mimi's "All I Want For Christmas Is You." First of all, Christmas songs have been fucking me in the ass without Crisco since November. Second of all, John Mayer sounds constipated. The visual of him pushing out a butt nugget while singing a Christmas tune was too much for me to deal with, so I quit that bitch after a minute.

Besides, I don't need to listen to the whole thing to know that John is doing it all wrong. Dear John, get yourself a hot cup of douche water, sit back and watch this hot bitch below. This beautiful songbird will show you the proper way to cover a Mimi Xmas song:

Who is Kanye West going to blame for his truly ass-cheek-clenching performance on SNL last night? This shit was first degree murder on my ear drums.

His microphone probably forged a fake passport last night after this shit, so it could flee the country this morning, because it knows Kanye is coming after it. After Kanye tracks down his mic and screams at it for a good twelve hours straight, he's going to file a multi-zillion dollar lawsuit against the Auto-Tune bitches for trying to take him down. And finally, Kanye's going to order his vocal cords into the corner for a time out, because they quit his ass several times during this song. His vocal cords could use a fucking time out, so this isn't a bad idea.

The voice of this generation kind of sounds like me with four hangovers and a sore throat (too much peen blowing) singing in the bath tub while trying hard to make a pee fountain.

That being said, I love Kanye's choice of screensaver for a backdrop! Above is Kanye performing Love Lockdown and below is him doing Heartless. I thoroughly enjoyed the Pinocchio shit!

The singing voice of this generation will never get a chance to share her beautiful gift on the world's stage.

On "The Real Housewives of Atlanta," mega producer Dallas Austin was helping Kim become the next Dolly Parton or something. There was always a problem though. First of all, Dolly would never put Kim's stuffed animal wig on her head. Second of all, Kim has the voice of a dying wild boar. Dallas knew this all along, but he was apparently only helping Kim for TV. Wait. You're telling me parts of reality TV are scripted and not real?! Next you're going to tell me that Kim really is 30! Sorry, I will NEVER believe that. Even if you shove her birth certificate down my throat. I'll gladly swallow it, shake my head and still say, "Nope. Tastes phony."

Anyway, Dallas posted the picture above on his MySpace blog along with the message:

... THE "REAL" Housewife, Kim Zolciak, is NOT WORKING WITH ME --

WE ARE NOT DOING A SONG...

WE ARE NOT DOING AN ALBUM!!

*** JUST WANNA PUT THIS OUT THERE!!! ***

The CAPS means he's fucking serious! And the *s means he's very VERY serious. I got Dallas' message loud and clear, but we all already knew this. The chunky loogie I spit up this morning has a better chance of releasing an album than Kim does.

On last night's season finale (*TEARS*), Dallas called up Kim to tell her that she's not taking this singing this seriously. He told her she had to quit smoking and start running 3 hours a day. He's right. Her wig could use the exercise. It's looking a little chunky in the mid-section.

And I love that at the beginning of the clip Kim is telling her nanny/assistant to return some stuff to Neiman Marcus and Gucci. What the hell is this low budget bitch buying from Gucci?! Her clothes look like they come directly from the clearance rack at Dot's.

No. Katie Holmes should never be allowed to sing outside of Tommy's soundproof Scientology dungeon. She should not sing or try to dance anywhere else. It's making L. Ron Hubbard angry and Tommy doesn't want to do that.

Above is a clip from "Eli Stone" of Stepford Katie trying way too hard to bring the sexy while bouncing around and shrieking. If you're going to watch it, turn the volume down unless you want to set off a few car alarms or open your garage door. Okay, the last part of her singing isn't that bad, but the whole thing is just really awkward. Tommy Girl should have done this shit instead. He definitely would have brought the big girl sexiness the role required.

Below are some pictures of Katie and Suri shopping around yesterday. In the last thumbnail, I think Katie is trying to sing a lullaby to Suri and she doesn't approve.

I had to dig fucking deep while watching "Dancing with the Has-Beens" last night. I faced the ultimate test when Jessica Simpson opened her mouth and sang the most whoreiffic version of Robbie Williams' "Angels" I have ever heard. It sounded like an obese bull frog getting gang banged on bumpy train. You could probably hear the angels wailing in pain if it wasn't for Jessica's butt fuck yodel. Next time she should lip-sync like her sister.

And you know what made it even worse? My nemesis CHERYL BURKE took the stage with Maksim! My senses were violated over and over again! Not only did my ears have to deal with Jessica's croaking, but my eyes had to deal with watching CHERYL BURKE'S back fat sliding back and forth and her mop head bouncing around. The word "torture" was invented to describe that whole performance. The FCC should have shut it down for indecency.

Thankfully, the show redeemed itself when Kim KardASSIAN and her useless big ass were kicked off. Mark Ballas should have just danced with a blow-up doll. He probably would have gotten more emotion out of it.

With Kim leaving that means the real star of the show, Cloris Leachman, gets to dance another week! Viva crazy memaws!

Jack White and Alicia Keys' video for the new Bond theme called "Another Way To Die" is just as shitty as the song. I like Jack and Alicia separately, but put them together and all you get is ear and eye barf. This mess makes me long for Shirley Bassey. Shit, it makes me even miss Sheryl Crow's bond song. No, I didn't mean that.

Jack and Alicia could have covered up the fact that their song sucks with a hot video, but they failed at that shit as well. The beginning part looks like they're inside of an Etch-A-Sketch.

Damn that Wino! If only she wasn't a complete gutter wreck. Her crackie croak would have been a million times better than this shit.

VIA Idolator

Somebody actually let Wonky McValtrex back into the studio to record a new song. Whoever opened the door for her hates music and living things. Wonky debuted her newest skank tune on Ryan Seacrest's show on KIIS-FM this morning. It's called "My BFF" and it's dedicated to the leader of her mutant crab crotch army. They loves each other.

I shouldn't really say that this is Wonky's song, because it obviously belongs to Auto-Tune. Auto-Tune broke a fucking sweat and burned at least a million calories to make Wonky's tattered scab voice sound semi-decent. If Hannah Montana became a crackwhore hooker and was forced to record a song to get her next fix, it would sound like this. The best part of the song is robot lady saying "On Air with Ryan Seacrest" over and over again.

Click here to listen this mess after I gave it such a thrilling review.

This is for the bitches out there smart enough to skip the sleeping pill known as the Emmys. Unfortunately, you can't escape the most bizarre part of the evening. I'm talking about Josh Groban's insane montage of TV themes. I was nodding off like a junkie after a fix for most of the show, but when Josh's mouth opened, my eyes immediately turned on and my ears started screaming, "Why me?!!!"

When he did the "South Park" theme, I had to make sure the weed wasn't spiked with acid. As much as this was horrifically beautiful, you know what would have made it soooo much better? If the amazing performers from "The Way" were his back-up singers and dancers. That would've taken this shit to the next fucking dimension.

Kat DeLuna "sang" the Star Spangled Banner at the start of Monday Night Football and it started out okay.... But then Kat suddenly thought she had the voice of Mariah Carey or Whitney Houston and that's when eardrums started to burst.

This is why most people need to sing the National Anthem like they are in elementary school again. Keep that shit simple or you'll sound like a possum choking on a carrot while jumping on a trampoline. Or in Kat's case, a cat choking on a carrot. Most bitches agreed, because Kat got booed.

Jessica Simpson and her titty balls made their Grand Ole Opry debut on Saturday night and some of the audience members were not pleased with the fact that her rack was out in full display.

One bitch told People: "I think she should have put some clothes on." I think she should have put a muzzle on.

Another ho also complained about Chestica's chest: "I loved that new girl, Crystal [Shawanda] – and she was dressed appropriately." Crystal Shawanda?! I have no idea who that chick is, but she's already my favorite country star of all time. I think the angels gave her that name.

After watching her "performance," I'm more offended by her strained frog warble than what she's wearing. She sounds like a raccoon getting a 5-finger anal exam.

Jessica belongs on a pick-up truck dashboard, not on the stage of the Grand Ole' Opry.

She summed it up herself by saying: "I can't believe I am here!" Somewhere in heaven, Hank Williams is screaming, "ME NEITHER!"