Truly Awful Music

What in the "mother of the bride" hell is sleeping on Beyonce's head? Wake it up with a stick. Be careful though, because it might bite your ass. It looks a little hostile.

Beyonce is playing Etta James in a new movie and I guess she decided to keep the act going by wearing her Etta wig during a performance at Fashion Rocks last night. The wig looks more like a cross between Blanche Deveraux and Nancy Reagan. And it looks like wet cornstarch is the only thing keeping that wig on.

You know Solange was cackling backstage with her pocket mouse friend. Solange shouldn't have laughed though. Beyonce already got her ass earlier in the night. More on that later.

During Fashion Rocks, Beyonce joined Mimi, Mary J. Blige, Miley Cyrus and a bunch of other hos to warble through some song called "Just Stand Up." The performance aired during last night's "Stand Up to Cancer" benefit. Basically, except for Mary J. Blige, they all sounded like they had horny hamsters in their throats. When Mary opened her mouth, they all should have politely excused themselves and allowed her to sing the rest. I think Beyonce's wig was trying to make a run for it.

Miley Cyrus should not be allowed to sing....ever again. Bitch sounded like The Chipettes gone reggae. Not a pretty sound.

Here's more pics of Beyonce at Fashion Rocks last night. She also performed with a big fat douche named Justin Timberlake. He should really just go sit in the corner and fuck a bowl of Wheaties.

John Law is my favorite person of the day! He reviewed Jessica Simpson's performance at the Avalon Ballroom in Ontario,Canada on Wednesday and he basically tore her a new one. Papa Joe, that's just a saying. Jessica doesn't actually have a new hole. You can break your boner now.

John writes in the Niagara Falls Review that the big-tittied frog talked too fucking much and explained what every song meant to her stupid ass. John writes, "Simpson needs to explain in exhausting detail what every single song is about, and the endless banter kills any momentum. She’s still living in a reality show, convinced everyone is so fascinated with her personal life, they’d rather hear her talk than sing." I'd rather she get her jaw wired shut like Tammy did on "The Real World: Los Angeles." Oh shit. Tammy was fucking crazy. I digress.

Throughout the nauseating night, Jessica said she was pregnant with an alien and also had a message from God about one of her songs. Of course, she blabbed about Tony Romo and slammed Nick Lachey for being a "cheater." Same Jessica shit, different day.

Jessica even admitted she has a farting problem: "I do pass gas a lot. I guarantee it smells like roses.” Every time she opens her mouth, a fart comes out. And I guarantee you that it doesn't smell like roses. It smells like Papa Joe slime, Ken Paves boogers, boiled beef and desperation.

Just look at what the sad horse dragged in! It's America's least favorite shameless hooker! I'm surprised Kristy Likes Cocks' album cover isn't a picture of her in an American flag bikini, holding two semi-automatic weapons with "kill the terrorists" flags shooting out of her coochie. And the label really should have went with her original album title: "Kristy Likes Jesus!"

This bitch has the audacity to pose with a weepy horse after she sent her last one to the glue factory in order to pay for her trip to the "American Idol" audition! That poor horse on the cover is thinking, "Why can't she just end my misery by sending me to the same butcher she sent her last horse to?!"

Thanks J

....and it's everything you would expect. It's basically torture for your ears. On a positive note, I think all the wax in my ears melted away.

Heidi explained the deep meaning to her new song "Overdosin" to Ryan Gaycrest on his KISS-FM show this morning. She said it's about "when you fall in love with someone... and you're just overdosing off of their love." Okay, that pretty much confirms that Spencer probably writes her songs for her.

I want to fucking overdose after listening to that pony warble. It's horrific. It sounds like Parasite Hilton's twatty lips singing into a fan.

VIA UsWeekly

I just watched this video in its entirety, so I may sound more brain dead than usual. Tori and Dean made a music video for their reality show on Oxygen. Yes, music. Yes, Tori sings. It's not really singing. It's more like the sound of a baby ostrich choking on broken glass.

In the video, Tori and Dean dress up as a bunch of famous couples including Lucy & Desi, Courtney & Kurt, and Sonny & Cher. It's fucking murder to the ears and the eyes! It's seriously a horror show. This shit can be released as the next SAW movie. As is.

On a positive note, I'm going to make this video work for me. The next time I have people over and they refuse to fucking leave. I will whip out this little piece of hell and watch them scatter like roaches for the front door.

VIA Best Week Ever

I still haven't seen "The Dark Knight" yet. I know. If I don't see that shit by the end of this weekend, a warrant will be issued for my arrest. I'm pretty sure you're breaking some kind of law if you don't see this movie. Anyway, why should I bother seeing it when I've already seen Danity Kane's comic-book inspired video for "Bad Girl."

As much as I love the raggedy cotton ball known as Aubrey O'Day, this shit is bootleg. It looks like it was paid for with blowjobs and El Pollo Loco gift certificates. This shit also looks like porn. The porn version of Batman. Let's call it "Scatman" or "The Dark Niner."

Aubrey also needs to change the lyric "look at my eyes covered in Maybelline" to "look at my eyes covered in Maybelline, tar, molasses and crow feathers."

As if the song wasn't bad enough, Hayden Panatroll had to release a video for this "Stars are Blind" knock-off. Watch this shit with the sound turned off, because her troll yodeling gave me a headache that lasted for hours. The bitch can't even sing "DRANKS" right. It's DRANKS, not "DRAAAAANKSS."

It's not right that she's trying to be sexy. It makes me feel uncomfortable and it should be illegal. It's like soft-core troll porn. It's only missing Mini-Me and his lizard tongue.

VIA ONTD

The epidemic continues! Dumb bitches that have no business being inside a recording studio are still trying to make music. Hayden Panatroll is the latest skank to terrorize eardrums with her new single, "Wake Up Call." Ryan Seacrest played that shit this morning on KIIS-FM.

The only song this troll is allowed to sing is the "Lollipop Guild." I mean, when your song makes Parasite Hilton's "Stars are Blind" sounds like Bob Marley, it's time to pack up your auto-tuner and call it a fucking day.

And here's a "Wake Up Call" for Hayden: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Hayden's vomit inducer is below. Click here if you can't listen it, but consider that a sign.

This is the video for Jessica Simpson's extremely annoying cuntry single "Come On Over." Yeah, I'll come on over to slap the shit out of that big-tittied frog. At the beginning of the video, I kept waiting for the words "Meet Singles In Your Area Tonight" to pop up on the screen.

The rest of the video is pretty cliche. Jessica in a pick-up truck. Jessica sitting on the porch. She forgot the cowboy hat and line dancing.

This song seriously make my ears cry. That could be a good thing actually. Cleans out the wax!

Source

Let's cut to the chase, White Oprah's cokey bull nostrils can probably blow better Ali Lohan can. The 45-year-old bitch can't sing, but thanks to modern technology, she sounds OK. "All the Way Around" is Ali's first single and I'm pretty sure this shit was originally written back in the 80s for Expose or the Cover Girls.

It's not completely atrocious. Oh, who am I fooling?! It's a vomit inducer for the ears! I can just picture that old bag with her 90s choker on whining into the microphone, while White Oprah tries to booty dance in the background. Nana sits in the corner with her vanilla wafers in one hand and her bong in the other.

VIA Mollygood