Truly Awful Music

I must truly hate you, because I'm going to make you listen to Heidi Montag's new song "One More Drink." I'm sorry, but I really need someone to feel my pain.

You know, I will never forgive Brit Brit for not putting this shit out first and calling it "One More DRANK." When listening to it just imagine Brit Brit singing "One Mo DRANK." It might help in making this truly awful shit go down easier.

And I thought this horsey ho didn't drink? I'm going to need at least 5 hardcore drinks after listening to this caca. Fuck, I'm going to need an open bar. Two open bars! Because bartenders always water your shit down during open bar.

This fuckery doesn't even sound human! It sounds like Rosie the Robot Maid after a few too many lemon drops.

Anyway, listen to this nonsense. This is the future of Christian music:

Source: UsWeekly

I must have been naive in thinking that I would never hear the name "Kristy Likes Cocks" ever again. It's true that sometimes she haunts my nightmares, but I usually just wake up in a greasy sweat and take a Simply Sleep. Unfortunately, all the Simply Sleep pills in the world cannot erase this truly tragic news. American's Idol's resident redneck hobag got herself a record deal!!! This cuntry ass hobag belongs in a broke down trailer, nursing her pet possums, while watching WWE Smackdown on the 13" TV she bought on lay-away. She does not belong in a recording studio.

Cocks' first single, "15 Minutes of Shame," will be released this August. Her single title describes what she had to do to get that damn record deal! I'm surprised she didn't name her first single, "American Christians Rule!"

Her album is supposed to come out in the fall. Does that mean in this pork rind skank is going to be everywhere this fall? If that's the case, I'm totally moving to Tibet to become a monk.

Sources: FoxNews

Thanks Michael

"The greatest song" of Heidi Montag's life is the worst song of my life. You know Jem and the Holograms passed on this trash before Heidi took it. I don't even think this horsey bitch is singing in English! This skank needs to take a few ESL courses before trying to to sing in English. And she even tries to sing in French, but it sounds more like Pepe Le Pew talking in gibberish. It's time for Heidi to give up "music" altogether. She needs a new hobby! Snuff films, maybe?

Listen to Heidi's "Fashion" below or click here. Your ears will probably go on strike after listening to this atrocious shit, so don't be surprised if you can't hear the rest of the day.

VIA UsWeekly

The Trannycat Dolls have a new video for their "song," "When I Grow Up." It's not much of a song, it's more like an annoying noise that keeps buzzing in your ear. Brit Brit reportedly shot a cameo for this mess, but was cut at the last minute. They did the Cheeto one a favor.

When I first heard this mess of a song, I thought they sang "I wanna have boobies." And I immediately thought, "Um...you do have boobies. Bought and paid for. Now it's time to work on getting yourself that vagina." They actually sing, "I wanna have groupies." Boring! I like boobies better.

It's too early for this fuckery, but some illegal shit is going down. Ashley Jizzdale has murdered some of our beloved 80s classics with her cunty voice. Devil music! Below is Ashley's cover of Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up." You know that shit was put together with a Fisher Price keyboard and a PC junior. This skeezer must be stopped before she commits the ultimate sin and covers Stacey Q.

Click here to torture yourself with her covers of Cathy Dennis' "Too Many Walls," Pat Benatar's "Shadows of the Night" and Whitney Houston's "I Wanna Dance With Somebody."

Thanks Peaches

When is this madness ending?! Yes, I know I don't have to watch American Idol, but I DO have to watch it. I've come this far and I have to finish what I've started even if my soul suffers. It's like a bad relationship. I have to see it through until the end. Thankfully, the end is near!

David Archuleta is so white that he's practically transparent. This is why he should NEVER say or sing the words "my boo" or "little mama." This is what happens when daddy isn't in charge. David ends up singing songs like Chris Brown's With You. My abuelita could have sang that shit with more soul and she would have backed it up and dropped it low.

Dlisted reader Kristin wrote this to me recently, "I think the problem with David Archuleta is that he hasn't lost his baby teeth yet." Kristin is right. I don't think he's gone through puberty yet. Shit, I don't think he ever will! Whenever he sings love songs, he's probably singing them to his pet turtle.

Basically, Syesha Mercado's twat could have sang the "Star Spangled Banner" on pitch and she still will be going home tonight. The poor thing doesn't have a chance in Paula Abdul hell to make it to the final 2.

Hopefully, I'm wrong and Syesha stays tonight. I would love to see the smug look on David Cook's face get slapped off by Gaycrest. It won't happen. Syesha is done. This time next year, she'll be the first standby in a dinner theater production of The Wiz.

Here's David Archuleta doing something he should never EVER do again.

Not since Danny Noriega was voted off "American Idol" have I felt so cheated! One of the greatest musical talents this hour century, Chloe Lattanzi, did not win "Rock the Cradle" last night. This shit is fixed! Chloe was one of the three finalists along with Crosby Loggins and that douche with a mohawk. I forgot his name already. Crosby won. Zzzzzzzz. Chloe didn't even shed a tear! I expected her puffer lips to quiver until her head flew away.

Chloe will go on to bigger and better things. She's going to be a huge star in......Lithuania!

Brit Brit Spears was also in the audience to support Larry Rudolph who was one of the judges. I'm sure Brit Brit fell in love with Chloe's talent the same way I did. They will create beautiful music together that will make hearing aids everywhere explode.

Below is Chloe's duet with her mother, Olivia Newton-John. I think the stage was declared a disaster zone after that performance. I'm pretty sure that's the last we'll see of Chloe unless we move to Lithuania. I'm really tempted to do so. I can't live without this puffer fish with a voice like burnt glass.

This was the look on Chloe Lattanzi's face after Larry Rudolph chose Brit Brit's "Toxic" as her next song to perform on "Rock the Cradle". Awww...Chloe. Don't pout. Seriously, don't pout, because something might leak out of your lips.

Chloe said that doing a Britney Spears song made her feel sick. Now she knows how I feel after watching her perform! Sick in a good way. Chloe makes me vomit with a smile. Anyway, Chloe's overall performance of "Toxic" was pretty........boooring. Larry Rudolph fucked her up! Gone was the Chloe I've come to know and love. The Chloe that looks like she's just crawled out of the depths of hell.

Chloe was joined on stage by some tied up dude. I'm pretty sure that's what she does to her dates anyway. After she ties them up, she sings in front of them. Talk about ultimate torture.

Below is a clip of Chloe performing "Toxic." At the beginning of the clip, Chloe bonds with her daddy in his teepee. The teepee he lives in. You know they do some crazy voodoo shit in there.

Click here to vote for Chloe! SHE MUST WIN! Next week is the finals and if Chloe doesn't win she'll hunt you down and bite your throat out. Vote for her crazy ass!

Wonky McValtrex's love has inspired Benji Madden to write her a song. You know GlaxoSmithKline wants to buy that shit.

Wonky talked about this nauseating tune to People, "He surprised me with it. It's called, 'Shine Your Light.' It's this really beautiful love song about me. It was the sweetest thing that anyone has ever done for me." Wonky has forgotten about the time a dude drew a heart on her chest with his own sperm. That was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for her. How soon she forgets.

She went on to chirp, "He's my best friend. He's just different from any guy that I've ever been with. I just trust him completely, and I know that he'd be there for me, no matter what." Can't you hear her saying that in a little girl voice? Will somebody please feed one of her warts after midnight, so that it can swallow her whole already.

Here's Wonky and Boy Douche being gross yesterday.

Wait....what is she good at? Breast wearing? Yeah, she's really good at that! So, here's the video for ScarJo's single "Falling Down" off her new album called "Boring Songs with ScarJo" or something like that. The song sounds like my mother trying to do her best Sinead O'Connor impersonation. My mother would probably sound better and put a little more emotion into it. ScarJo sounds like she sang this while taking a dump.

And the video is just as boring. Enjoy! You better have a few sips of coffee before you watch this crap, because it will definitely put you to sleep.