Truly Awful Music

Who the hell is voting for Chloe Lattanzi on "Rock the Cradle?" Ok, the better question is, who the hell is watching this show besides me? I mean, I vote for Chloe, because she's one of the greatest things to happen to music since Klymaxx. I have no idea who is keeping her on the show. There can't be that many Satan worshipers and plastic surgery addicts watching this show.

Anyway, Chloe once again shocked us all and was not voted out last night. She went on to perform her version of Korn's "Freak on a Leash." Freak on a fucking leash is right, but that's why I adore her ass. My ears are still in recovery from her performance, but that's fine. Hopefully, they will fully recover for her next musical butchering.

Get her hot lips a record deal already! Clip below:

If you haven't heard Fuggie Fug's song for the "Sex & the City" movie, consider yourself one of the lucky ones. If caca had a theme song, this would be it. I think listening to this song turned my allergies into leprosy. I don't know what's fucking worse? The lyrics, the music or her voice.

The SATC bitches should have saved their pennies and released this Fergie classic instead:

Don't ask me about the clown. I think he was a child toucher. Kids Inc. dealt with the real issues.

Oh well! Carly Hennessey...I mean, Smithson or whatever the fuck her name is, was given the heave ho off of "American Idol" last night. Of course, Carly was the only one that I could stand to watch. I'm not missing the bitch. Her teeth were starting to scare me anyway.

This is what happened. Bitch sang "Jesus Christ Superstar" and the redneck Christians did not like that shit one bit. They thought it was dark-sided, so they stayed away from her ass. That's that.

Brooke White is officially the new Kristy Lee Cook. That ho should have gone! We've already seen what she can do and I've seen better "coffee house girl angst" music from Phoebe on "Friends." I bet you Brooke White can't do Smelly Cat the same way Phoebe can. Next week is Neil Diamond week and I don't think my ears or eyes are ready to see Brooke do something like Sweet Caroline. NO! All the blunts in the world could not make that pleasing.

Basically, Jason, Brooke and Syesha will be killed off one by one in the next few weeks. David "Smug" Cook and Fetus Archuleta are the final 2.

It Fetus Archuleta does not win, the tweens of the country will declare war on us all. Their hormones can't take it. Archuleta fans are the new Brangaloonies. These little bitches are insane. Seriously, check YouTube for their fan videos. I hope most of them get their periods soon, because they need to chill the fuck out. I can't stand David Cook either, but I hope he wins just so Fetus Archuleta can give us another expression when he loses. Every week, he gives us the same "golly gee" grin. He's like Cecil Turtle. Somebody tell him that if he doesn't give us another expression this week, his daddy is going to beat his ass good!

Elimination video is below:

Can they please ban these American Idol twits from doing songs from musicals? Ban it forever! Even all the pills in Paula Abdul's system couldn't cheer her up during last night's shit show. The only one that didn't make me wish a bomb would hit the studio was Carly Smithson's "Jesus Christ Superstar." Don't get me wrong, I've heard better versions in Orange County community theater productions, but still.

I also found someone to direct my hate towards now that Kristy Lee Cook is dead and buried. BROOKE WHITE! That bitch! I swear, I'm so sick of her staring at me with that "I'm so sowwwwwy" look. Last night, she sang "You Must Love Me" from Evita. If you make Madonna sound good, you have major issues and should reconsider your path in life. Brooke also had her second false start of the season. She forgot the words at the beginning and had to stop. Paula was not having it. If Paula wasn't sedated, she probably would have jumped the table and beat more tears out of Brooke. Seriously, how can one person cry so much? Brooke needs a drought already.

And Jason Castro needs to lay off the bong during rehearsals! He sang "Memory" from Cats and said to Andrew Lloyd Webber, "I didn't know this song was song by a cat." Um...the show it's from is called CATS! Not fucking LIZARDS. Pot can be your best friend most of the time, but sometimes it plays dirty tricks on you for laughs.

So...this week is pretty simple. Bottom 3:

Syesha Mercado: This bitch isn't gone yet?
Jason Castro: The stoner charm is wearing off
Brooke White: Can't wait for the fountain of tears when she's finally voted out tonight. She's going to start cutting herself on stage. Chick is too much.

And that's that! I hope they slowly torture Brooke, because it might be the last time we see her "pained" expression and they should make it count.

Above is Brooke's hideous performance and below is Jason's stoner version of Memory. It's pretty ironic that the stoner sang a song about memories since he probably can't remember any of his.

Heidi Montag's "Higher' has finally been retired as my new ringtone by Carmine Gotti Agnello's "Young, Hot Rich." Yes, THAT Gotti. I don't know whether to poop, laugh, cry, vomit or all of the above. I still can't get it out of my fucking head. I have the sudden urge to get a spray tan and Depp gel up my hair.

I tried to get all the lyrics down, but I was too busy laughing my ass off. This is actually the perfect 420 companion. Here's some sample lyrics to help you get the gist of Carmine's skills:

"I'm young hot, I'm a typical flirt
But I'll put the flowers on you like a tropical shirt"

"Don't leave your girl 'round me
Unless you want your girl's lips to be around C"

"Hot on blabba
Stay up all night, I don't need Viagra
Girls just want to show me off
Dudes don't got balls enough to blow me off
I'm rich and underaged
Still spendin all the money that grandpa's spade"

At the end of the day, I would still do Carmine. WELL! He'll put flowers on me like a tropical shirt and tropical shirts are pretty!

VIA ONTD

Olive Newton-John's insane daughter, Chloe Lattanzi, is the only reason I wish this shit on Vh1 each week. The girl scares the fuck out of me. It's a horror show. I can't turn away.

Last night, she covered her mother's "I Honestly Love You." She completely tore it to shreds and did some Euro goth version. Dancers dressed like condoms or something scurried around Chloe while she shreaked and moaned. Bizarre. The girl should move to Germany, because she would be bigger than The Hoff.

Belinda Carlisle also adores Chloe. I think Belinda is biased though, because it looks like the two share the same plastic surgeon.

Kristy likes cocks and apparently there's a cock that likes her back! The girl is engaged to be married. No, the lucky douche is not the horse she sold to get to the American Idol audition. He's forever mad at her.

Kristy Lee Cook told UsWeekly that she became engaged to her 25-year-old dude, Andrew Dobner, on March 17th. She kept the news secret because she "wanted to be focused on Idol." Focused on making my ears vomit.

He proposed again last night, "He actually got down on his knee this time. He owed it to me!" They are planning to get married next June. Totally knocked up!

Hopefully, this ho gets married, has 30 kids, gets super obese and is confined to her bed for the rest of eternity.

She's not going away, right? Get the RAID!

Chloe Lattanzi is a freak, but in a totally hot way. Her bedrooms shelves are probably filled with dolls with missing eyes and taxidermy. Last week on "Rock the Cradle," I didn't know what to think of Chloe, but this week she proved she's the fucking crazy star of that show.

She almost got voted out, but luckily there's enough masocists out there that voted for her and she stayed. It was parents' choice and Olivia Newton-John made Chloe sing some song called "I Hate Everything About You." Bitch got into it and I was waiting for her resty filled lips to explode everywhere. I am voting for her every week. Yes, I'm a masocist.

Speaking of pain...Lil B Sure owes the animal community a fucking apology! I am going to send his stupid ass my dog's psychiatry bill, because he's still not over Sure's horrific screeching. There must have been some fucked up messages that only dogs can hear in his screech, because my pooch is still traumatized. How the hell is he going to do Kate Bush like that? Clip is below, but I am not responsible for making your dogs go insane. Send your hate mail to Lil B Sure.

The broke ass version of Wilson Phillips has returned! The McCain Girls are continuing their theme of replacing McCain's name with the word "rain" in popular songs. They already did "It's Raining McCain" and now here's "Here Comes McCain Again." I don't want McCain cumming anywhere near me.

This video features McCain as a peeping tom and as a flying ghost haunting the night. Yeah, that pretty much sums him up in one sentence.

I can't wait for their versions of, "Blame It On McCain," "Singin' In McCain" and "Purple McCain."

VIA Towleroad

Thanks BB

MTV's Rock the Cradle features the spawn of famous musicians battling it out for a record deal. The show premiered Thursday night and this mess is not to be missed.

Olivia Newton-John's daughter, Chloe Lattanzi, was clearly the star of the night. Horrific! The shit she injects into her lips could be put to better use on her vocal chords. Chloe blamed her terrifying performance on her "ears being out." I think Belinda Carlisle's ears were out too, because she gave Chloe a 9.5 out of 10.

That being said, Chloe is the most exciting thing to happen to music since Rosa from WB Superstar USA.