Truly Awful Music

Mel Gibson is still trying to make his knocked up mistress whore happen. This is a video for the second single "Beautiful Heartache" off of Oksana Grigorieva's new album which was produced by Sugar Tits himself. The video was also directed by Mel in Mexico. Usually, a soggy butt nugget only takes a few minutes to come out (after a cup of Sanka), but this one took seven whole days!

I hope OctoSana's vagina produces prettier sounds than her mouth hole does, because the bitch cannot sing worth a dick! Mel needs to do an exorcism on her vocal chords! It's a good thing the ho got knocked up, because she's not going to make her fortune in music.

And what is she singing about anyway? "I love the way you wear your skin"?! The fuck? This sounds like Buffalo Bill's big number from Silence of the Lambs the Musical.

VIA PopEater

That's the only reasonable explanation I come up with as to why Papa Joe thinks it's a brilliant idea for his daughter Asshole Simpson to record an album of Michael Jackson covers. Page Six says that Asshole's pimp is giving her music career mouth-to-mouth (Papa Joe's chonies just filled up) by pitching the album to executives.

I have a feeling that Asshole's "boar with bad allergies getting butt fucked with a taser gun" voice singing "Thriller" would cause Michael Jackson to rise from the dead so that he could moonwalk all over her mouth hole! Maybe that's not such a bad thing after all.

Not an album of farts. Not an album of queefs. Not an album of fuck moans. Not an album of ass cheek clapping. Although, if she claps her ass really fast I'm sure it can whistle Juvenile's "Back That Ass Up." That album would go double toilet paper roll. No, Kim Kardassian is working on an album of MUSIC. At least that's what she's calling it.

BET says that Kim is in the studio working on an "R&B flavored" album. I guess Ray-J taught her everything she needs to know about R&B while he was slapping her nalgas with his Frankenpeen.

Kim recently spoke out about making "music," “I’d have to hear a song and feel it out and see if it’s something I’d sound good at. I would like the music to sound a bit like Lady GaGa, Britney Spears and J.Lo with a bit of an R’n’B twist to it… Filming the video would be fun, that would be the best bit…”

Oh! So that's why Kim wants to get into the business. Bitch just needs another reason to act like a ho. Kim has already peppered her extreme skankness on TV, the internet, magazines, DVDs and on every member of the NFL, so now she's taking on music. Or should I say "destroying" music. Bitch, don't you know that you don't need to put out an actual album to act like a big ass slut in a music video? That's what YouTube is for!

VIA Crunk + Disorderly

Pour a little battery acid in your Sanka and drink up, because you're going to need it to deal with this skanktardian pig shit! Jesus-loving Christian Heidi Montag has a new broke ass home video out for her single "Blackout." The title is fitting since Twit & Twat are in a permanent blackout.

This video makes Girls Gone Wild look like it was directed by Cecil B. DeMille. This cacaness ain't even worth a box of Canels. Heidi can't even do jazz hands, right!

They made this shit in Mexico, so I was going to make a joke about the oinky ills, but even the swine flu wouldn't get near these two assholes. It said, "I'll fucking pass" and moved right along.

And you thought only Horsey Montag's songs could make your ears attempt suicide? Well, you better clear the room of any sharp objects, because Spencer Twatt has a new "rap song" under the stage name "The Great White TRASH." This suckery is being used to promote his new reality shit show I'm Not A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! Skat Kat's ass lips rap better than Fleshy McPubestache. I swear. Can we get Suge Knight on this NOW?!

Spencer debuted the song on Ryan Seacrest's KIIS-FM show this morning. If you feel like you need a reason to kick a kitten, click here. I blame Vanilla Ice for this.

I'm sure that title alone made your ears curl up into your head where they are shaking and waiting for the coast to clear. It's really as awful as it sounds. This kills SOULS. This kills BONERS. This kills EVERYTHING.

At a Chicago Cubs game today, some hateful bitch gave Denise Richards a microphone so she could screech "Take Me Out To The Ballgame." The grass died, hundreds of birds committed mass suicide, clouds exploded, children turned into dust and Denise kept on going.

If two cats in heat every wake you up in the middle of the night, just play this for them and it will instantly turn each of them into THIS.

(Thanks Cara)

I'm sure that during your morning bowel movement, you asked yourself, "I wonder what Hottie, the trick who microwaved raw chicken, from Flavor of Love is up to?" Well, ask and you shall receive. Hottie has covered up her naturally blonde locks, reeled in her "STAINS on crack" eyes and stripped down to serenade you with her version of "Amazing Grace."

During the first minute, I think she's passing a few basketball-sized kidney stones through her pee-hole, but then she really throws her hands on the casket and gets right into it. And when she does, I feel like I need to pass a kidney stone. I mean, she should not be doing that. People are trying to sleep!

If you make it to the end of the clip and have the urge to "learn more about this artist" by e-mailing her, please e-mail Jesus instead, because you need help!

VIA Crunk + Disorderly

If you have a reason to hate your ears this morning, then punish him by listening to this terrorist act on your eardrums. If you've got any hair in your ears you want to get rid of, you can listen to this mess too and that shit will burn off in a quick second. Cancel that laser hair removal appointment!

TMZ posted a clip Howard Stern played yesterday which is supposedly the unedited board feed from Beyonce's performance on Today back in November. A wildebeest getting DPed with two hot curling irons probably sounds more pleasant than this.

This has just become my new ringtone. I can't wait to see bitches run for cover when my phone rings.

No Doubt is better than this and that's why their cover of Adam and the Ants' "Stand and Deliver" has kicked me in the soul as well as in the ear drums. I'm one of the lone hos who actually liked their cover of "It's My Life," but this is butchery in the first degree. Gwen Stefani just wasn't meant to sing some things and this is one of them.

VIA ONTD

Eminem's shiny new video for "We Made You" started playing on MTV this morning when it really should have started playing last year. The video is a newborn baby and it already has old face. BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT!

My nipples get moist when Eminem makes fun of dumb whores, but this just feels dated. I mean, he skewers SamRo & HoHan (DONE), Aniston & Mayer (DONE), Sarah Palin and Jessica Simpson as Daisy Duke.

Although, Eminem is no longer double-stuffed and he's looking better in the body area (unless he tripled up on the Spanx). And if his comeback doesn't work out, he can easily replace Bret Michaels on Rock of Love AS Bret Michaels. Seriously, I had to slap my eyeballs a couple of times before I realized that actually wasn't Bret.