Truly Awful Music

Last night was a hard American Idol for me. Listening to Dolly Parton songs being murdered took a toll on my dark soul. It was like being attacked with a staple gun over and over again.

I really have no idea who is going home this week. I knew that Kristy Likes Cocks was going to sing "Coat of Many Colors." More like cunt of many colors! I think that song is going to keep her from going home.

This bitch is turning into my neighborhood crackhead. Every day when I leave my apartment, I say a little prayer hoping the neighborhood crackhead is nowhere to be seen. Deep down I know she will be there and I know she will open her mouth full of grey teeth and ask me for "25 cents or a quarter." Seriously, bitch actually asks for "25 cents or a quarter." One day I'm just going to blow up and say, "YOU CRACKHEAD BITCH! 25 cents is a quarter! But you need more than that to fix your overcast teefs!" What I'm saying is that Kristy Lee will be on Idol every week even though I pray she isn't. It's the truth. Here's my bottom 3:

Ramiele - The puppy dog eye trick has overstayed its welcome.
Kristy Lee - Back where she belongs, but she won't go home.
Brooke White - I have no idea why I chose her, but it was either her or Jason Castro.

Ramiele is going home and just like Chikezie before her, she'll be taking a bullet for Kristy Lee.

Oh and below is Kristy Lee showing off her amazing butcher skills. Skip to the end to see Gaycrest say to her, "Love the French pedicure." Next week he is going to tell Syesha, "Girrrrrl, your hair is looking ferociously fiiierrrrce!"

Thanks Brandy

The minute I read Kristy Lee Cook was doing "God Bless The USA," I knew what that bitch was up to. She obviously didn't come up with this brilliant move herself. You're not an American unless you vote for Cocks. UGH!!! Last week, she told Simon "I will blow you out of your socks." She probably lived up to her promise and Simon gave her the tip as she was wiping his juice off her mouth. Damn that Simon!

I'm surprised the bitch didn't come out wearing an American flag bikini with fireworks shooting out of her cunt. Once this ho finally gets voted out, she'll have a career performing this little diddy at every NRA convention from Bakersfield to Poughkeepsie.

Cocks will not be in the bottom 3 this week since she practically gave a hand job to every redneck Idol voter. Here's my predicted bottom:

Ramiele - She went first, she sang Heart and she sucked. Even the "sick card" can't save her!
Chikezie - Chickezie was chik-cheeeesy as hell last night.
Jason Castro - He'll be the surprise of the night and this will be his slap on the wrist to do better next time.

I think Ramiele will be voted out and Danny Noriega's screams of pain will deafen the night. Weren't they like best girlfriends forever?

And WTF was Paula wearing last night? I think Skunk Head Overmyer attacked her in the parking lot before the show.

Image: Popbytes

International recording artist, Heidi Montag, has a new song out called "No More." You're totally thinking, "YES HEIDI! NO MORE!" I disagree, I love this piece of trash. It's also fantastic that she has a new song out, because my "Higher" ringtone can finally be replaced. I've said it before, but I'm not joking about the looks of death I get when my phone goes off in public places. People look at me like I have the plague. My new "No More" ringtone will take their rage to the next level. I can't wait.

Henry Rollins said that Britney Spears vocals are mixed with the vocals of an older black lady. The same goes for Heidi, but Spencer brings in Vicki the Robot instead. Heidi's new song can also double as an effective way to shut your dog up when he won't stop barking.

Below are pictures from the premiere party of "The Hills" in NYC last night which featured a performance by Mimi. Homegirl is totally slumming it. What's next? A performance on American Idol? Oh.....yeah...she's already doing that.

The Hills did not disappoint last night. It was the same fake trash as always. And couldn't they have cast hotter French dudes?

Obama has that hot chick as his Obama Girl and John McCain has these lovely ladies. It fits. These are The McCain Girls and they put out some shit on YouTube of them singing along to one of the gayest songs in history: "It's Raining Men." They cleverly changed the title to "It's Raining McCain."

My favorite of the three is the woman that looks like Bonnie Brindle from "Small Wonder." First of all, her pants are melting into the green screen. Second of all, she barely knows the lyrics. Those two other chicks probably needed a third and nobody would do it, so they kidnapped poor Bonnie Brindle from the local supermarket and brainwashed her to shake her granny ass for John McCain! Bonnie definitely doesn't know what she's doing.

I couldn't get through the whole thing, because I had to turn it off once one of them washed her face with John McCain. That's crossing the line of decency.

VIA Gawker

Diddy's twins, D'Lila Star and Jessie James (yes, Jessie James), made an appearance at the finale of "Making the Band 4" in NYC last night. Diddy should've put the twins to work, because I'm sure they can sing better than those Danity Kane chicks.

I do love Aubrey O'Day though. Just when I thought she couldn't look even more like a tranny mess, she shows up in crap like this. What the fuck is she wearing in the third thumbnail below? Somewhere in the world, a tranny dominatrix is missing her uniform. It's Easter and I'm hungover as hell. I really don't need to be looking at this shit.

I don't care who is in the bottom 3 of American Idol tonight as long as Kristy Lee Cook is finally kicked out the damn door. Last week, she completely butchered a gorgeous Journey song. Last night, she did illicit and terrible things to "8 Days A Week." You know what Kristy, "8 days a week I haaaaaaate you!" This girl is a mass murderess of songs and must be put out of her misery! She is offending America and it must stop already.

I really don't know who else will be in the bottom 3 with Kristy Loves Cock, so I just guessed the stripper and Syesha Mercado. David Hernandez will be in the bottom, because he didn't take his clothes off. Syesha will be, because she went first. I'm probably wrong, but I don't give a fuck as long as Kristy goes home!

Below is her truly horrendous performance and I suggest you send it to all your enemies. It's the worst kind of torture and it will leave them begging for their lives.

Kelly Osbourne performed "Total Eclipse of the Heart" on ITV's "Guilty Pleasures" this past Saturday. The show asks bitches to perform their favorite guilty pleasure song. Kelly was fucking amazing. She has the voice of a thousand angels wrapped up in a cashmere blanket. I want to burn the song into special earphones and have these earphones surgically implanted into my ears, so I can listen to her song 24 hours a day. I'm just licking your butt lips. She fucking sucked.

They need to ban that song from karaoke bars too. Every time I go to karaoke there is one drunk ass college bitch that has to butcher the fuck out of that song. She's usually had three too many Long Island Iced teas. It's even worse when her friends join in and it's like a drunk slut chorus.

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Add Keira Knightley to the growing list of bitches who just don't know their place. KK has announced that she will sing several songs for her new movie "The Edge of Love." KK said the soundtrack album will feature her singing 'Blue Tahitian Moon', 'Maybe It's Because I Love You Too Much' and 'Drifting And Dreaming'. Hand me my ear and nose plugs. I need the nose plugs just in case her stank singing has a scent which I'm sure it does.

KK said, "I can't really sing. I had to have a few lessons, but once I started doing it, a sound emerged that wasn't too disagreeable."

Riddle me this. If you really can't sing, shouldn't you not sing in public for money?! I know it's a stupid question, because if that was the case our radio stations would be empty of music.

Disagreeable sounds coming out of you are usually called farts and burps not singing. KK should name her album "Fart Sounds." Furthermore, bitch can't act! KK, let's conquer one talent before trying another.

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Because I haven't tortured you enough with Britney and Heidi's duet, here's Madonna's new song with Justin Timberlake and Timbaland. The full song leaked to French radio this past weekend and now it's on the Internet. I hope for her sake this is a major rough cut. I'm not even joking when I say it's hurting my fucking ears. I'd rather listen to Paula Abdul's "Dance Like There's No Tomorrow" over and over again than listen to this shit one more time.

I mean, does anybody even sing anymore? Madonna probably goes in the studio for 10-minutes, sings a few lines and then a computer does the rest of the work. Horrid.

Oh Madonna, please go back to singing about pink elephants and lemonade.

Click here to listen to "4 Minutes to Save the World" if you care

Thanks Renee

Ryan Seacrest just played a duet between Heidi Montag and Britney Spears on his KIIS-FM radio show. The song is called "Dramatic" and this is not a joke. Britney's mental condition is worse than I thought! Dueting with Heidi Montag?

I have no idea what the hell they are saying in the song, because it's all just heavy breathing. They are having a breath-off. It could have been worse. At least KFed and Spencer Pratt aren't rapping in it. That's probably for the remix.

I can't wait for the video. They might as well just shoot a train wreck, because that's what the video is going to look like.

Click here to listen it