One of the good things about being a celebrity is that if you have a baby you can whore them out to a magazine for millions of dollars and use that money to pay for a full-time nanny staff so you don't have to be bothered with annoying stuff like feeding them and taking care of them or whatever. No out of pocket expenses! But apparently, Hilary Duff doesn't think this way, because she Tweeted this picture of her baby son Luca for free. IN THIS ECONOMY, Hilary Duff is just giving away celebrity baby pictures like celebrity baby pictures grow on trees. FOR SHAME!
As for Baby Luca, his eyes are so big that it looks like he's staring past the camera lens, through my monitor and is scanning my brain for any vital information he might want to upload to the headquarters on his home planet. In other words, he looks like he's about to Skype home. In other other words, he looks like a baby!
I refuse to believe that an actual human baby passed through the poon of Lizzie McGuire. I am choosing to believe that she picked up a baby from the cabbage patch this past weekend and I'm sure if you looked at his birth certificate, that shit would have Xavier Roberts' signature all over it. Anyway, as Jessica Simpson's 4-year-old unborn baby telecommutes to preschool from the womb, Hilary Duff and her husband Mike Comrie are holding their brand new baby friend. Hilary declared herself a new mom on Twitter today:
Welcome to the World Luca Cruz Comrie! Tuesday evening, we became proud parents of a healthy 7 pound 6 ounce beautiful boy.
Lizzie McGuire's ass should've checked CorbinFisher before she went with the name Luca Cruz, because I'm pretty sure there's a porn star on there with the same name. I'm going to pull out my Household Bank MasterCard (don't be jealous) to buy a membership to check on this for Lizzie. (You hear that, IRS? That CorbinFisher membership is for official research. Research! So don't come at me when you see it on my tax return! The same goes for my Sean Cody membership, Brazzers, Big Sausage Pizza, etc...)
But seriously, if Baby Luca is an exact hybrid of Hilary and Mike, we're not going to know where his teefs end and his forehead begins. On that note, let's end with a song:
To me, Hilary Duff still looks like a 14-year-old child wearing a plastic cartoon chipmunk mask, so when one of the shameless butchers of Hollywood cast the walking veneers as Bonnie Parker in a remake of Bonnie & Clyde, I pretty much knew that mess was going to look like some Bugsy Malone shit. Just children playing with plastic guns. Even Faye Dunaway verbally whipped Hilary in the teefs with a wire hanger when she said that they should've cast a "real actress" instead. But thanks to the Canadian block of fetus meat forming in Hilary's womb, the world has been spared from some foolish shit. TMZ reports that the producers of Bonnie & Clyde aren't even trying to cover up Hilary's ever growing baby pack with potted plants or briefcases, because they have dropped her on her knocked up ass.
A source says that the director and producers cut Hilary from the movie as soon as she announced that she's pregnant. The source went on to say, "Hilary won’t be available until next June. If we could wait we would.” Kevin Zegers was supposed to play Clyde, but he's out too due to scheduling conflicts.
TMZ points out that Hilary could pull a Hunter Tylo by throwing a lawsuit at the producers for discriminating against her fetus.
Oh, shit. I hope Hilary sues those whores for the entire budget of the movie and wins, so that they can't cast Blake Lively as Bonnie and some little Nickelodeon asshole as Clyde. We need a movie remake of Bonnie & Clyde as much as I need a pregnant dog's nipple in my ass. The only new version of Bonnie & Clyde I want is a one-woman one that Faye Dunaway will have to perform in the basement of a church in Queens, because she needs rent money in a bad way.
In case you haven't heard, Lizzie McGuire is no longer a 14-year-old high school student who still thinks that heavy petting is some shit you do to goats at the zoo. Lizzie McGuire, got her period, grew up, gave balcony head, got married and now has a womb full of baby. 23-year-old Hilary Duff announced on her website today she's made a baby with her 30-year-old hockey playing husband of one year Mike Comrie.
“Hello everyone! This weekend, Mike and I are celebrating our 1 year anniversary! In memory of the special day, we decided to post some of our favorite pictures from our wedding! I can’t believe it has already been a year, time really flies when you’re having fun! We also want to share the exciting news that BABY MAKES THREE!!! We are extremely happy and ready to start this new chapter of our lives. Thanks to everyone for the continued love and support throughout the years!”
For Hilary's sake, I hope that baby is born with her original teeth and her head. If not, bitch is going to scream her Veneers off from birthing out a dinosaur egg head with tiny arms and legs. It's going to take a few hours just for the baby's surfboard head to clear her pussy. As soon her Herman Munster baby crowns, the doctors and nurses can play a few games of traveling Mahjong on its forehead while waiting for its eyes to show up. Hilary will have to support her baby's head with a catcher's mitt during feeding. Bitch better invest in a lifting bracelet for her wrists.
And yup, you can go ahead and file this news under "Shit that is pushing me towards the Metamucil phase of my life."
Brit Brit could use a fine dusting of White Cheddar Cheetos dust to dilute the naranja grease and I wouldn't be mad at her if she let a baby possum eat a few hairs from her brows, but her weave looks fresh out of the plastic bag so I'm going to move on to her boyfriend Jason Trawick.
We've all said that Jason looks like if Sam Trammell tried to shapeshift into a sea turtle and got stuck halfway, but I've always been on the fence about him. And not in a "shimmy my ass on a fence" kind of way. I mean in a "would or wouldn't" kind of way. But after staring at these pictures of him escorting Brit Brit to a benefit for the St. Bernard Project in L.A. last night, I can say with complete confidence that I would.
But this is coming from a bitch who winks on the inside whenever a skinny junkie on the Bowery asks me if I've got a dollar for them in my pocket. Because if anybody looks like he's on his way to a morning job interview set up by his methadone clinic counselor, it's Jason Trawick! Yes, definitely would and I might even give him a pocket dollar afterward.
And at that Hurricane Katrina benefit last night, Brit Brit and Jason were joined by: Kelly Osbourne, Bristol Palin's face idol, Taryn Manning and Hilary Duff.
For those of you who grew up watching Lizzie McGuire in the first days of the 21st century, it's your turn to feel older than dust because Hilary Duff is going to be a mother. Maybe. This would be like me finding out that Moosie from Kids Inc. is a grandfather. Or like a 5-year-old staring at Justin Bieber's positive pregnancy test. We're all old.
Star Magazine has it on good authority that Hilary has been drinking her skim lattes with a shot of bunny genes with the rest of Hollywood, because she's apparently pulling her bump into the bump-to-bump traffic crowding L.A. right now. Hilary and her manchild husband Mike Comrie have yet to confirm any of this. Probably because the source says that she's only 7 weeks. The close friend went on to spill even more details on Hilary's current uterus situation, “They weren’t actively trying to conceive but agreed that if it happened, it happened. They’re ecstatic."
If this is true, YAY for Hilary and Mike (who sort of looks like a Seth MacFarlane creation). Hopefully, Hilary's doctor finds a way to put a mouthguard on her baby before it comes flying out, because with her Chiclets and his jaw, that kid is going to want to chomp on everything. Like a great white chipmunk.
22-year-old Hilary Duff got married to 29-year-old Canadian hock player Mike Comrie in Santa Barbara, CA last night. The best part of this news is that the juicy man titty in the picture above served as the ring bearer's pillow. Yes, that succulent chichi is available for all weddings and parties, so check your local yellow pages and book that nipple.
OK! Magazine reports that Hilary looked absolutely radiant in her Vera Wang gown as she rode up in a Haylie Duff-drawn carriage. Hilary and Mike promised to love each other until "irreconcilable differences" does them part in front of their friends and family.
At the reception, Hilary and Mike shared their first dance together as a slide show of their most tender moments played on a giant screen in the background. The tent was filled with a massive chorus of "AWWWWWs" when this picture from their engagement popped up on the screen:
Actually, I think that picture was the cover for their wedding invitation.
Here's a few completely crystal clear and interesting photos from their wedding taken by a pigeon who barely learned how to operate a disposable camera a few days ago. It's like we're sitting in the front row!
That dude with a peek of belly skin showing (I know you were staring) gave Hilary Duff an engagement ring last weekend, and she said yes. Hilary's spokeswhore confirmed that she's promised to be married to her boyfriend of 2 years Edmonton Oilers player Mike Comrie. Hilary's rep rolled her eyes because she couldn't leave early for the weekend before putting this statement out:
"After having been together for over two years, they are very excited to share this happy news. They are thankful for all of your warm wishes."
Bauer Griffin has pictures of Mike proposing to Hilary on the balcony of their hotel in Hawaii. Seriously, dude gets down on knee and everything. Just like in the Lifetime movies! And they also have a picture of Hilary getting on her knees in front of Mike to celebrate their engagement. Hilary is all veneers, so Mike's face would look like this if she was giving him a "yay we're getting married" beej. I'm pretty sure she was just giving him a celebratory belly button rimming.
Every crackie in Camden will be bowing their heads for a few seconds longer as they light their pipe today, because the cracked out romance of this century has had its last puff! Wino's divorce to Blaaaaake was granted today which means they are no more. Wino and Blaaaake weren't in court today when a judge brought down the machete. It only lasted a few seconds.
Blaaaake is the one who filed for divorce and wrote down "adultery" as the reason why he wanted their beautiful union flushed down the toilet. Wino admitted to doing NOT RIGHT sexy times last year with a couple of dudes. In the papers, Wino admits to passing her married puss around and also stated that she will not defend the case. No, she wouldn't even scream "BLAAAAAAAKE" at the top of her molten lungs one last time. What is going on in this world?!
I feel like we should all put on a pair of caca-covered ballet slippers and run through the street screaming "BLAAAAAAKE" for old time's sake, because this means I have to start calling him just "Blake." Or just "fucktard," because anybody who pushes away love from such a beautiful creature really has heroin ash for brains.
The only good thing that come out of this split is if Wino finds comfort in the track mark-covered arms of DREAMBOAT DOHERTY! I think every dealer in the world just jizzed their pants.
Faye Dunaway better be taking off her jewelry and greasing up her face, because this shit has begun. Last week, Faye was asked what she thought about Hilary Duff starring in a remake of Bonnie and Clyde. Faye bitch punched that dumb dumb Duff in the big teefs when she said, ''Couldn't they at least cast a real actress?'' Buuuuurned by the evil Selena!
Instead of keeping her fat teeth shut, Hilary just had to respond. She told E!'s Daily 10, "I think that my fans that are going to go see the movie don't even know who she is, so you know…. I think it was a little unnecessary but I might be mad if I looked like that now too. It's not really like taken off of the movie, it's taken off the true story of Bonnie and Clyde. So the movie was adjusted slightly by how they wanted to do it and this is kind of like the true events of how everything went down."
First of all, Hilary Duff has fans? Second of all, Hilary is going to look like the boil on my ass when she's Faye's age, so she needs to shut the fuck up about that shit. Don't fuck with Faye!
And I was about to ask you bitches to pull out the kiddie pool filled with oil, but I figured none of us want to see Faye or Hilary greased up in gold sequined bikinis. So an oil wrestling match is out of the question. But there's another way we can settle this. After staring at their jumbo Chiclet teeth for a few minutes, the answer came to me: corn eating contest! We'll throw an ear of corn in the middle of them and the first bitch to chew her way to the middle wins this war!
I'll bet my porn-subscription money that Faye will win that shit. After a few seconds, that bitch will stop chewing and beat down Hilary with a wire hanger instead.