Big Ones

This is a preview for Fox's More to Love which is just like The Bachelor, but with "real" people. And no, it doesn't take place in a Claim Jumper's.

The first part makes the chicks look so pathetic. All the single BBWs I know don't cry about how they desperately want to find love. They cry when Hometown Buffet cuts us off, but not over being alone in life. You're never alone in life as long as pie exists.

Come to think of it, the scrawny skanks of The Bachelor are also this pathetic, right? I guess that's just a universal thing. Black, white, skinny, fat....it doesn't matter. Being on a network reality dating show will automatically make you seem like you're a cat hoarder who spends her Saturday nights re-enacting the wedding scene from Muriel's Wedding with your stuffed animals.

With all that being said, I will still be watching for the drunk fuckery.

Tiny person Christina Ricci and enormous person Owen Benjamin are no longer getting married. Shits. That means no adorable picture of him picking her up by the arms to kiss her after they are pronounced giant and gnome.

Once source tells People that they broke off their engagement this past weekend, "Owen had a birthday party this past Sunday, and everything seemed fine. Sometime after, they got into a fight and decided to reevaluate things. [Then] the engagement was off." Another source said that their big little romance was over before then, "They talk almost every day. It was a very mature decision and they both felt good about it. They're definitely still friends."

Hum. I wonder what went wrong? I'm guessing Christina was sick of Owen poking out her organs whenever they did sexy times. She probably already lost one kidney when he hit it from the back and wasn't happy when he popped a hole in her stomach while she rode him.

Seriously, it would totally kill the love if your man was effing up your insides (and not in a good way). It just wasn't worth it. Now Christina is free to skip off and find a dude who doesn't almost suffocate her ass to death when they cuddle. I wonder if Verne Troyer is still single?

While going through pictures of Christina Ricci and her colossal fiance strolling through Los Angeles, my eyes started flickering and automatically gazed upon the luscious beauty behind them stealing the shot. Be still my heart! Christina Ricci is thinking she got this picture, but little does she know that the scene was stolen by a hot piece with an afro bigger than her whole body! Afro lady is taking us higher! Sorry, Ricci. You could never compete with glamour like that.

Anyway, here's the Jolly Green Giant and Little Green Sprout leaving Arc Light Cinemas yesterday foolishly thinking they are the stars of the minute. NOT.

Ed Westwick has made the costumers on the set of Gossip Girl scream, "Why is that fatty fat fat so fucking fat?!" after his fittings. Apparently, Ed is eating too much succulent meat which is causing him to become a founding member of the BBB (Big Beautiful Bass) Club.

A source told InTouch (via MSNBC's The Scoop) that Ed has a little too much junk in his trunk, hood, bumper, fender, headlights, etc... It has become a problem, because the costumers aren't equipped to handle the chunk. The source said, “Ed has been gaining a lot of weight — not just around the waist, but throughout his whole body. First, the costume department had to buy him new, bigger pants. Then, his shirts and jackets got way too snug. The costumers even requested that producers talk to Ed — they don’t want Chuck to be fat!”

Why not?! Whenever I see Chuck Bass, I always think to myself that he would look so much hotter with a giant cream puff or sausage stuffed into his mouth. Come to think of it, everyone on Gossip Girl would look a whole lot more attractive with pastries and shit in their mouths. They should make everyone gain weight! Ratings would sky rocket! I mean, we can already see skinny annoying twinks making out on any other network, but where can see see two honey-baked hams go at it? And don't say Claim Jumpers on a Friday night.

19-year-old Jamie Waylett, who plays Vincent Crabbe in The Harry Potter movies, was busted by the cops for growing some of the good shit in his own house. If you have to ask "What kind of good shit?", just take a good hard look at him. That's a "I EAT GREEN" face if I ever saw one.

Jamie was driving down the road in London when the police pulled him over, because he was acting suspiciously. When they searched his Audi, they found 8 bags of weed. Jamie and his passenger friend were arrested and shuttled down to the station. While Jamie was probably trying to eat the bars off of his cell, police raided the Camden home he shares with his mommy and siblings. They found a beautiful and luscious garden of marijuana plants growing out back.

Jamie was bailed out and is due in court in July.

Somebody paid attention in Herbology class! Cannabis Totalus! You know, Jamie is a smart bitch who effed up. I mean, he works on the set of a movie filled with youngins begging to get a little taste of Mother Nature's favorite herb. Jamie took advantage of that shit and decided to make a little Pizza Hut money on the side. You can't blame a business man for trying.

I'd still bong with him any time. Bitch looks like he grows the strong shit. Nothing less.

Kids these days. They spend a few hours watching TV and it starts to give them ideas. Ideas which lead them to the roof of their parents' house with a can of white paint in hand and a big dick on their mind. That's how it went for 18-year-old Rory McInnes of England.

After watching a documentary on Google Earth, Rory was inspired to spend 30-minutes painting a true-to-size homage to Prince Hot Ginge's peen (I wish) on the roof of his parents $2 million house. Rory based the mega peen on the Cerne Abbas Giant. Rory never told anyone about the peen on the roof, in fact it took his parents a full year to find out.

A helicopter pilot spotted the giant wang, took pictures of it and contacted The Sun. The Sun in turn contacted Rory's dad and let him know that he's been living with a juicy cock over his head for the past 12-months. Bitches were getting teabagged and didn't even know it!

Rory's dad immediately called his son, who was traveling in Brazil, to yell at his ass. Rory cocked, I mean, copped to it and just shrugged it off. Rory agreed to wash off his masterpeen when he gets back.

You know, Rory gets a taint lick for effort, but he could've spent more time on the nutsack. It's a huge, thick cock with tiny shriveled up prunes. Not right. If you're going to do it, do it right. Put some low hangers on that dong.

It's also a good thing that Parasite Hilton never flew over that house within the past 12-months. That skank would've thrown herself from the plane and landed on that dick. They would've had to rent a crane to pry her pussy lips off of it!

Big ole' girl was trolling through London last night when he pulled the breaks on his boots after seeing a big penis in the window of a store. Luckily, Kevin's friend got him away from the store before bitch jumped through the window to sit on that book. Kevin had that look in his eye like his ass was ready to pounce. His donut hole was definitely making cream.

If AnnaLynne McCord (aka always Eden from Nip/Tuck to me) is going to show us how she got her role on 90210, bitch should at least go all out. I refuse to believe she got that shit with those kind of skills. Way too much teeth and the "I'm making a poopy" face is not hot. Her banana sucking game gets a D-! Even Nannerpuss wouldn't hit that shit!

The new season of Germany's Next Top Model hosted by Heidi Klum just premiered, so I guess the papers started asking deezigners if they think Heidi could make it as a runway model today. This prompted one designer to say that she's so chunky that she would break the catwalk in two. Basically.

Deeeeezigner Wolfgang Joop told Bild,“She is no runway model! Heidi Klum is simply too heavy and has too big a bust. And she always grins so stupidly. That is not avant-garde – that is commercial!”

True. She doesn't look like she poops out butt nuggets the size of a rabbit's. She also doesn't look like she'd end up in the next country if you sneezed near her. And she doesn't look like she's in dire need of a massage from a defibrillator. So in that respect. No, she doesn't look like a runway model.

Karl Lagerfeld also chirped in. He crawled out from his tomb, quietly ate his salad made from virgin souls and said in between bites, “I don’t know Heidi Klum. She was never known in France. Claudia Schiffer also doesn’t know who she is.”

What the fuck is Karl even saying? Bitch never takes his sunglasses off, so how does he know what she even looks like?! He probably confuses his toothbrush for Kate Moss all the time. The bitch needs to take off his glasses and get a good look. He knows who that bitch Heidi is!

Also, am I the only one bothered by the fact that Heidi's panties and bra don't match in the picture above. It bothers me so much that I want to Photoshop them to match.

The YouTube sensation that is Cupcake Boy sang a duet with Godzilla's younger sister Ty Ty Banks on her show the other day. Okay, he really lip-synched, but he still did a better job than Asshlee Simpson. And of course, Ty Ty had to try and top him. How is she going to do Stain's main homeboy like that? Ty Ty was ruining the song with her damn vogueing! This isn't a drag queen competition on the short bus, Ty Ty! Let the little boy sing or he might eat you. Seriously, I was waiting for him to turn and swallow that bitch whole for show boating during HIS performance! And I wasn't even amused by her manual eyebrow action at the end. FAIL, Ty Ty. FAIL.

VIA ONTD