Big Ones

First of all, no, that's not Rumer Willis with some 5 o'clock tater fuzz. I thought the same thing at first. It's Alan Cumming and he's here to discuss our new president's peen size. I had this same conversation with a friend last week over cocktails and empanadas. He asked me what I thought Obama was twirling with. I gave a side-eye, took a sip of my Sea Breeze and then asked myself if this was inappropriate or not. I shrugged it off and said to myself, "He has a peen too!" and delivered my prediction to my friend. Alan Cumming also discussed what his peendar reported with New York Magazine at some book party last night in NYC.

Alan said, “I’d like to see Obama naked. I think great leaders, charismatic leaders and men who are so confident and who have achieved so much, usually have big penises. I think there’s a correlation between the level of confidence, the level of the way a man can hold a room and the way he conducts himself in life, with his penis size — with his comfort with his penis size.”

Dr. Peen-It-All went on to say, "So much of male psyche is taken up with how big your cock is; it’s a huge deal in our lives, and so when you’re confident about your penis size, it shows. “Well, just look at him (Obama). Just the way he’s so kind of elegant and very confident in his body and himself. Also, someone told me that they worked out with him in a gym in Chicago, and it was big.”

Now I know what that old queen thinks about when he lays awake at night. Damn. I'm surprised Alan didn't bust out pie charts, sketches and a damn model he made himself out of melted down dildos. But he did use the word "elegant" and I give him half a gold star for that one.

Where has Dennis Quaid been hiding this BBD (big beautiful dog)?! I need a dog friend just like this. I would have a six-pack from laughing so hard, because he would always be sticking out at his tongue at me. That looks silly! Actually, he's probably just sticking out his tongue to catch any random food particles that could be floating in the air. Good thinking.

When Mimi La Rue waddled off to heaven, it left a hole in my heart for fat pugs and now it's been filled by Dennis Quaid's big blob of adorableness.

Dennis is treating him like the king he is by not letting his paws touch the ground. He's too good for walking. Besides, if he tried to walk, I think his legs would break. Or the floor would break. Either or.

Here's Dennis and my new favorite celebrity dog at LAX today. He's holding him like a baby! And I am not right for posting the third thumbnail and Dennis' dog friend knows it.

File this under: I better get a bigger TV. HBO loves big dick and has picked up the dark comedy called Hung starring Thomas Jane and my favorite bitch from Happiness, Jane Adams. The show is about a dude with a mega dong. Basically, it sounds like what my dreams look like every night.

The show's creators, who also did The Riches, say it's not just about gargantuan peen. They said it's about a struggling Michigan high-school basketball coach who figures out a way to make the most out of his epic peenzilla. They went on to say, "It has its sexual moments, but the show is very much about what's happening in the country, how people are trying to survive using what God had given them."

BLAH...BLAH...BLAH....just show me the damn wang! I'm hard up. And I don't want a plastic stunt peen either. They better find the real shit. In the song Nasty Girl, Vanity says she needs 7 inches or more, but we're going to need something bigger for this shit. I'm talking about 10 inches or more. Dick that will make your no-no shake and scream for mercy at first sight. Dick that will make your jaw automatically lock and refuse to open. Dick that will hurt somebody!

Source

We're all in need of an end of day peen break! Skip the caffeine and have yourself some wang instead.

Today's is brought to you by Scott Caan. I've actually pondered what Little Man Caan's peen is like. The dude is like the size of a small Travelocity troll. I'm not even joking. Okay, he's 5'5", but I pictured him with a tiny taquito dick: short and skinny. I'm sort of surprised that his twig and berries are the size of a normal man's! Miniature dudes sometimes have miniature bits.

Now, I didn't want to waste any of my Happy Hour coins on buying the pictures (cheap I am), so run on over to Defamer to see the goods. His golden beets look so soft too. I bet he rubs them in cocoa butter and serenades them to sleep every night.

And it goes without saying....but I'd hit it every which fucking way. He'd need a step stool to hit it from the back, but lucky for us, I've got one of those!

When the world's fattest dude, Manuel Uribe, got married to Claudia Solis last month in Mexico, my gutter trash mind immediately created pictures of how the two crazy kids spent their wedding night. I figured Claudia poured some guacamole and hot sauce on her cooze and Manuel had himself an all-you-can-eat fish taco midnight dinner.

Well, according to the Daily Star it didn't really go down like that. Manuel's friends really wanted him to bust a load of heavy cream (he really cums heavy cream) on his wedding night, so they made him a special sex ramp inspired by Liberator. The three-foot ramp is reinforced with concrete and what's ever in Posh's tits. Manuel just has to lay his lower half on the ramp, so that Claudia has easy access to ride his chorizo until she gets hers or until his heart calls "time out."

Manuel confirmed the joyous news to the Daily Star, “We have finally had sex and we are a true couple in the eyes of God. We feel like we are in heaven here on Earth.”

Claudia better fuck in moderation. Every time Manuel busts one inside her, she gains 5lbs.

And when Manuel loses all the weight, they can donate their sex toy to the city to be used as a highway on-ramp!

Thanks jazzfish_77

In case you haven't heard the gigantic news, Manuel Uribe is getting married!!! There's hope for us all!

Manuel, who was named the world's fattest dude back in 2006, announced that he will tie the roll with his girlfriend of four years Claudia Solis on October 26th in Monterrey, Mexico.

They haven't decided on a location, but Manuel will have to be towed through the streets on his bed, because he can't walk. It will be like a wedding parade! Only not.

Back in 2006 when Guinness declared him the chunkiest chunk who ever chunked, he weighed 1,230. Thanks to love and support from Claudia, he has lost 550 pounds. She probably snuck Fen-Phen into his Gansitos.

Manuel said that he will take only one bite of the wedding cake for pictures, but will stop there because of his diet. I think one bite to Manuel means the whole cake.

Congrats to Manuel and Claudia! I say we all put our pesos together and get Claudia some sexy lingerie for her wedding night! Sexy lingerie made out of crush-proof steel with a door in the crotch.

Source

Thanks Lisa

Elvira aka Cassandra Peterson confessed to Blender Magazine (via Showbiz) that she lost her virginity to the pepaw raisin known as Tom Jones. Elvira was working as a nudie dancer in Las Vegas when she met and fucked Pepaw Tom. The experience left her in stitches, literally.

Elvira said, "Tom seemed gentlemanly and nice, so when he was jumping on me... I thought, 'Well, if I'm ever gonna do this, it might as well be with Tom Jones.' It was painful and horrible."

She said that his dick was so big that she needed to get stitches on the chocha area afterwards. Even though Tom practically ripped her in two, she still wanted to be with him, but found out that he's a total man whore. She said, "I thought for sure we were gonna run away together and get married. I went backstage to see him the next night, but he was with his two background singers... and was all over them. I was disgusted."

Below is a vintage picture of Pepaw Tom in a speedo. That shit don't look that big. Maybe he's a grower not a shower. He probably thinks he's such a fucking stud after hearing that Elvira story. Give me a quick minute or two with his beef jerky ass. I'd be shouting at him, "That's it?! Bitch, add a thumb up in there or something!"

35-year-old Jonah Falcon from NYC is famous for having a big dick. Literally. He has been on Howard Stern several times, Rolling Stone did an article on him and he was in an HBO documentary.

Unfortunately, Jonah sees his 13.5 inch penis as a curse. Jonah claims to have had sex with hundreds of chicks and dudes. He's bi. He also lives with his mother and has never really had a steady relationship. He's tired of being used for his big dick.

He told The Sun, "When I meet people they find it hard to look me in the eye, they just see what’s in my trousers. It’s become a real problem. When I was younger I went out in tight pants and would sleep with a different person every night, but I became burned out and disillusioned."

“My last relationship ended in 1996. Now I just want to find a steady girlfriend who doesn’t think I’m a freak show.”

Huh? What did he say? I was too busy thinking about his big dick. Jonah's dick measures 13.5 inches when it's erect and 9 inches when it's not.

Click here to see a pic of Jonah's enormous member. It's NSFW.

In my experience big dicks always look good on paper. When you get right down to the nitty gritty, it's not all fun and games anymore. A lot of huge ones never get hard. You can suck on that crap until your jaw falls off, but it always remains in this weird hard-soft stage. It's also not fun getting that crap inside the pie hole if I ain't being too subtle. Too much work if you ask me.

That being said, I'd totally hop on the Jonah Express. It might make my ass explode, but it would be worth it. Telling the 911 operator that my ass exploded would make it worth it.

Thanks Gartrip