Splits

MiserAlba is reportedly being considered to fill the thigh-high boots of Jane Fonda in the new remake of "Barbarella." They should change the name to "Groucharella." She kills hos with her frowns and tempter tantrums.

Robert Rodriguez is supposed to direct the remake and his fiancée, Rose McGowan, was supposed to star. Page Six reports the two have broken up and Barbarella might have been one of the reasons. The studio wouldn't greenlight the movie with Rose as its star, because the bitch is basically "a virgin who can't drive," which means she's a nobody. Studio executives told Robert, "We need a bigger star, a bigger name."

Rose and Robert started doing secret sexy times in 2006 on the set of "Grindhouse." Robert was married with five kids at the time. They became engaged late last year.

Wilted Rose! Fucking Robert Rodriguez was one of her big breaks and now she's back to square zero. She better start eating some Quenting Tarantino ass if she wants to get back into Hollyweird.

Now back to MiserAlba as Barbarella. I approve of this! Only because the movie was already going to be a major disaster and now with MiserAlba as its possible star, it's going to be a tragedy of epic proportions! "Showgirls" better move over, there's a new camp classic waiting in the wings!

I decided to use this old ass picture from 1997, because Courtney Love looks healthy, Vadge looks like she's wasted and the dude behind them is kind of hot. I also used it, because I'm sick of posting recent pictures of Guy looking miserable and Vadge looking like she has a baseball bat stuck up her culo.

So... Vadge's longtime spokeswhore has finally released some sort of statement. She's been shouting "no comment" ever since the divorce rumors started. Liz Rosenberg told People, "Madonna's husband Guy arrived in New York last night to be with his wife and family (not in a last ditch attempt to save his marriage which does not need saving). There are no plans for Madonna and Guy to divorce."

And what about the rumors that Vadge and A-Rod are doing gross things with each other?

"Madonna and Alex have the same manager, Guy Oseary. They have met. They know each other and Madonna took her kids to a Yankees game last week. There's really not anything to comment on beyond that. It's nothing new that people are airing tons of dirty laundry Madonna's way lately – much of it untrue. By the way, rumors of Madonna and Lil Wayne are quite exaggerated as well."

You know who's probably leaking all these Madge rumors? I'll give you a hint, it rhymes with Vadge! Fuck, that wasn't much of a hint. I mean, she is going on a world tour soon.

That's that! Can I finally go on with my no-life now?

Mister Vadge left London this morning to join his wifey and kids in New York. Some say Guy is trying to save his shitty ass marriage to Madge. Madge probably promised Guy she'd give his nuts back if he traveled to NYC to pretend they are a happy couple.

Guy's mommy is the only one to speak out against the divorce rumors. Lady Amber Leighton told the Telegraph, "There’s no conversation about divorce because there is no divorce. They are no different to most other couples and we all know that being together can be hard sometimes and marriages are not always a bed of roses. I’ll say it one more time, they are not getting divorced; the speculation is TT – that’s total tosh."

Yes, Amber Leighton was the name of Madge's character in that mega shit bomb "Swept Away."

I think I'm in love with Lady Amber Leighton. You know she's a chain smoker with a bouffant hairdo who drinks Crystal Light by the gallon. She has 15 cats named after precious gems like Ruby and Saphire. Here's a picture of hot ass Lady Amber Leighton wearing her prized pepaw coyote fur hat!

Madge and Guy's marriage was doomed the minute they left the house wearing those outfits. All downhill from there. So....everyone around these two have confirmed their marriage is dead. Just like Guy's career. Several "friends" told the Mirror that Madge has fallen out of love and told Guy she wants a divorce. He agreed, but is still hoping they can work things out. Why?! If the rumors are true, divorcing Vadge would make Guy one rich bitch.

Reportedly, they don't have a pre-nuptial agreement. That means Guy could snatch $100 million from Madge's $600 million fortune. He's going to have to wrestle the cash away from Vadge's cold, dead vagina. There's no way she's letting go of her money that easily.

Both have talked to attorneys, but Guy is hoping to avoid a dramatic court battle. A source said, "Guy is a decent bloke, full stop. It's not his style to start profiteering from such sorry circumstances. He's got too much respect for his wife and children."

Madge's spokesbitch would not comment.

Okay, no more talk of this until we hear it from the Vadgina's lips. Oh and Guy needs to take that bitch to the cleaners. I mean, his nuts are worth at least $100 million.

Another day, another 10,000 Madge/Guy Ritchie divorce rumors. The rumors are everything from Madge officially hiring Paul McCartney's divorce lawyer to Madge announcing her divorce after her world tour ends in November. My favorite story is about Madge and Guy's romantic three-day trip to Milan, Italy.

The Sun reports that the trip was supposed to be all romantic and shit, but they both spent it working. They also spent it in separate hotel rooms. A source said, “They had completely separate rooms, schedules, everything. It is all very well organized but it’s not a marriage the way most people understand it. They have this attitude like ‘we’re not really a couple but we’re friends and we love each other and raise our kids’. "

If you were married to Vadge, you'd have to sleep in a separate room too. You know her vagina snores like a choking walrus. Besides, the bed isn't big enough for Vadge, her blackberry, her laptop, her money bag, a life-sized cardboard cutout of herself AND Guy. There's just no room for him!

I'm falling asleep just thinking about it! Ted Casablanca over at E! is reporting that two boiled potatoes may be splitting up very soon. Apparently, Ben Affleck's mommy never liked Jennifer Garner. Probably because Mommy Affleck needed to overdose on NoDoz every time she was around Garner.

Benny's spokesbitch said, "We usually don't comment on stuff like this. But you should know sources are liars. If you guys want to do the right thing, you won't post that item. It's all BS."

I would probably weep one black tear if Bennifer the Sequel split up. If these two blocks of wood can't make their marriage last, nobody can.

Image: Wenn

While a bunch of gays and gayelles are getting married in California, two gays in Britain are getting a divorce! Little Britain's Matt Lucas and his partner of 18 months, Kevin McGee, have split. I didn't know Matt married the love child of Clay Gayken and Peter Pan!

The two were married in 2006 and threw a tacky ass wedding reception where Matt dressed as Aladdin and Kevin dressed as Prince Charming. Costumed reception? Yeah, it was doomed from the beginning.

Their lawyer issued this statement to The Mirror, "It is with sadness that Matt and Kevin announce that their relationship has come to an end...They ask the press to respect their privacy at this time and to exercise restraint in any reporting of this matter."

On that note, Matt is reportedly worth somewhere between $20 million and $40 million. Damn! Kevin is going to be the richest gay elf in all the land!

She's totally praying for a big, juicy chocha that won't steal money from her ass. You see, the Daily Mail reports that Annie has fired her beard man, Raffaello Follieri. That sucks, because he was a real winner.

Raffaello has been accused of embezzling money from the charity he set up with Annie. He was also arrested this year for bouncing a $215,000 check. AND...his charity is currently being investigated by the New York State Attorney General's Office.

A source said that Annie decided to dump his ass after 4 years together because she was afraid of how his shady business dealings might affect her career. The source said, "It's heartbreaking for her to dump him, and she's devastated that it's come to this, but she really didn't have a choice. His scandals were hurting her reputation."

Oh and she just couldn't get over the fact that he has a peen.

Note to Annie: Do a background check on all your beards! And stay away from Zach Braff look-alikes. They are trouble!

Here's newly single Annie at the "Get Smart" premiere in Los Angeles yesterday.

And I'm not talking about her freaky tentacles! Holy Moly! reports that Madge has hired a real shark to handle her divorce from Guy Ritchie. She's reportedly working with Paul McCartney's divorce attorney, Nicholas Mostyn QC. Madge met with Nicholas at his offices in London 10 days ago. She really should've hired Heather Mills instead. Heather will do anything to win including pouring water all over the other counsel. That's dedication.

Madge and Guy have apparently grown apart. Guy is busy trying to make movies and Madge is busy putting out crap music.

Also, Holy Moly! seems to think that there isn't a pre-nup in place. I refuse to believe this shit right here. The woman is worth a gazillion dollars or something like that. She loves money more than anything else. She probably sleeps with the pre-nup. She doesn't cuddle with her husband, but she cuddles with her pre-nup. There's no way she's going to let any bitch get near her fortune.

Jesus' half-sister Celestia aka Anne Heche must pay her ex-husband, Coley Laffoon, a lump sum of $250,000 and $3,700 a month in child support for their son, Homer. Anne was paying $15,000 a month, but claimed she couldn't afford that shit anymore due to being out of a job.

She will also pay 75% of Homer's private school tuition.

These two nutjobs were married in 2001. Coley filed for divorce in February and that's when the knives came out. Celestia accused Coley of being a porn-loving deadbeat dad. Coley accused her of being crazy. Duh. She does have a book called "Call Me Crazy." She asked for it!

Let this be a lesson! Never trust a grown man with Dennis the Menace hair and never trust....well....never trust Anne Heche!

Anne needs to team up with Ed McMahon and Evander Holyfield for a threesome sex tape. Well, they all need cash and they need it fast!

Source: UsWeekly