Splits

Radar reports that Shia LaFabulous (government name: Drake LaBry) is no longer wet riding on Glamberace's unicorn horn, because the two have called it a day. Apparently, Drake packed up his tweezers and suspenders after taking one look at Glamberace's album cover. Even Drake could not condone that kind of fuckery. No, one source said that the relationship just reached its expiration date and the two are still friends.

Drake probably just woke up and realized he was sick of spending most of his day scrubbing out glitter sperm, rainbow smegma and black eyeliner from his sheets. It can be messy sharing a bed with a magical alien unicorn like Glamberace.

(Image: Pacific Coast News)

Jon Grosselin is no longer using Ed Hardy as his full-time spiritual advisor. Instead, Jon is listening to the mouth belonging to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach (but you can call him Rabbi Famewhore). Unfortunately, Rabbi SB has not advised Jon to hide in Balloon Boy's attic and not come out until we tell him to. But Rabbi SB did tell Jon that he needs to drop his girlfriend Hailey Glassman off at the nearest potted plant and leave her the hell alone. According to Extra, Jon has listened to Rabbi SB and has quit Meth Brows.

Some "insider" (*cough*possumhead*cough*) said, "They're taking a break. Jon apparently decided he needed to spend some time on his own." Yeah, on his own in a ditch in Chernobyl.

This is kind of funny since Hailey was on TV the other day queefing about how Jon constantly throws "mantrums," but she can never leave his ass. Hailey should consider herself lucky since she just dodged a douche bullet. Now she can go back to doing anal with potted plants which sounds much more enjoyable than doing anything with Jon Gosselin.

Rabbi BS (on purpose typo) probably has bigger publicity whoring plans for Jon. Don't be surprised if Jon changes his name to Jedidiah and starts hanging around with Ashton Kutcher. Does Ed Hardy make Kabbalah bracelets? They will now.

For the teenager (circa 1989) in you who has always wanted dry hump Dinger from Dream a Little Dream, now's your chance! Because Corey Feldman and his wife Susannah have decided to wrap their marriage up in a baggy and sell it to Corey Ham (typo and it stays) so that he can chop it up and snort it up his nostrils. Basically, Corey's wife has filed for The Big D.

E! Online reports that Susannah is blaming "irreconcilable differences" as the reason for their break-up. Susannah wants Corey to send her a monthly check for spousal and child support for their 5-year-old son Zen. The two have been married for 7 years, so they should give themselves a pat on the taint, because that's like 50 years in Hollywood time. However....

They should have known it was not going to last forever when they got married on the set of The Surreal Life in a ceremony officiated by future Cash4Gold spokesman MC Hammer. Everything MC Hammer touches goes bankrupt. Aw.

And expect a The Two Coreys of Love reality show in 3...2...

36-year-old T.R. Knight is no longer humming into the peen hole of 20-year-old Mark Cornelsen, because they have broken up. Some source (aka Katherine Hagel's big ass mouth) told InTouch Weekly (via E! Online) that the 2-year relationship just ran its course. There was no big gay drama involved. Maybe T.R. got tired of waking up in the middle of the night to Mark's cries for milk. Who knows.

The source added that T.R. is moving from L.A. to NYC very soon to pursue Broadway shit, and Mark never planned on going with him.

This break-up makes me a little sad. I never like to see a fellow wallet fucker fail at their mission. Poor Mark was probably wiping his ass with some fancy ten-ply toilet paper, and now he has to settle for the stuff that gives you crack rash. Gold digger TEARS!

A little while ago, The National Enquirer said that Rosie O's partner in pussay, Kelli Carpenter, moved out of their home and shuffled off to Manhattan. At the time, Rosie didn't say much about the rumor. Well, now she's talking to USA Today and says the two are having problems. Doesn't it make you sad in the heart thinking about Rosie's strap-on collecting dust because Kelli isn't around to give it a little attention? That one was for Donald Trump.

When asked about the gayelle drama, Rosie O said, "We're a family. We will remain a family forever. And we are working on our issues. Kelli and I love each other very much and we are working on our issues. Those are the only words I am ever going to say. Ever. And that is something that has been agreed upon by all parties. But everything's fine and everybody's good and we're still both raising them together. We will both continue to parent them and we're friendly and everything's all right."

This sounds like the two have already split on each other's splits. I've always liked Rosie, but I'm sure living with her isn't all free giveaways, rainbows and showtunes. But hopefully, Rosie and Kelli will be back to bumping 'ginas soon so that we don't have listen to Donald Trump go on and on about this. If the Trump wins, we all lose.

In news you could smell (an intense odor of maple syrup covered condoms and irrelevancy) from ten thousand miles away, Avril Lavigne has filed for divorce from her husband of 3 years Deryck Whibley. Avril named "irreconcilable differences" as the reason why their marriage is now just a cold lump in the litter box. In the world of Avril, I'm pretty sure "irreconcilable differences" means that she loves the bottle more than she loves Deryck. Understandable.

According to Radar, Avril isn't asking for a monthly check from Deryck, but she also doesn't want to give him one either. Avril says that September 4th was the day she stopped dying Deryck's dick bush with Manic Panic.

It seems that Avril has already found a new dick to keep her Emily the Strange lunchbox warm at night. Star Magazine (via Celebitchy) says that Avril has been living in Hawaii with the heir to a canned pineapple empire. Some source said that Avril is getting dicked by Dole Food Company billionaire Justin Murdock. The source added, “Avril and Justin have been to Hawaii together but mostly they’ve been holed up at his place."

Let me get this straight, Avril is fucking on a billionaire who probably devours pineapple by the pound? You know what they say about bitches who eat pineapple! So, not only does the dude fart money, but he also has Penis Colada on tap. Dude is way too good for the punk fart princess.

George Michael's boyfriend of 13 years, Kenny Goss, has quit that bitch, because he was totally over his man always being in handcuffs (and not in the sexy way). The Daily Mail says that Kenny gave George the gift of singlehood last Christmas, but the two managed to keep that shit on the down low up until now.

After George was arrested last year for being caught with the bad shit in a public bathroom, Kenny said he just couldn't take it anymore. One of George's friends said, "Kenny had given George many chances. But after the Hampstead Heath incident he said he couldn’t take any more. Despite George saying they had an open relationship, Kenny never agreed with George’s urges to cruise for other men, or with his excessive use of cannabis."

George isn't taking the break-up well. Apparently, he spends all day smoking the good shit and playing video games. So basically, it sounds like he's turned into a 24-year-old fanboy who still lives in his mother's basement. It is worse than I thought. However, at least he's not tap-dancing in public bathrooms or getting a sudden case of the Zzzzzzs while driving. That's good, I guess.

I'm actually surprised their relationship lasted this long. It's one thing to know that your boyfriend is out licking on another dude's taint, but constantly being woken up by the police to bail his ass out of jail doesn't sound like fun. Go ahead and fuck on another bitch, but don't fuck with my sleep!

UPDATE: George has denied away that Kenny put his ass on the curb. George's spokeswhore had this to say: "There is no truth in the matter at all. Kenny has been away in Dallas where he owns a gallery but is scheduled to return home this Friday. They are planning a lovely weekend together."

Radar Online says that Rose McGowan has canceled her engagement to Robert Rodriguez. When Rose pink-slipped Robert, she should have also sent back her SAG Card too, because she's not going to need it anymore since he was the only one hiring her ass.

Sources say that shortly after Rose finished shooting Machete, which Robert directed (DUH), she dropped him faster than me during a game of "Hot Vagina". The two got engaged in 2007 after dating for about a year. The "escandalo" tag was used when they got together, because some say Robert left his wife of 16 years for Rose's tupperware face.

Doesn't Rose know that we are in a recession?! If Robert isn't beating her ass, fucking her immediate family members or eating her stash of Mother's Circus Animal Cookies, then she should have waited until the country is out of the red! Now is not the time to quit the dick that is putting food on your table. Or in Rose's case, putting botox in her face.

After just three months of marriage, Fred Durst and his wife Esther Nazarov have gone their separate ways. Fred went off to bang anything who doesn't mind him gnarling like a bear eating a rabbit's head (if you've seen his sex tape, you know what I'm talking about) and Esther went off to submit her application to the gayelle club.

Fred announced the tragic news on his Twatter:

"For those of you inquiring I will confirm that Esther and I have decided to go our separate ways and we both thank you for your support. Thank you all SO much for your concern and extremely kind words. Sincerely. We remain very positive and wish only the best for each other."

I will say that the marriage lasted a lot longer than my ass predicated. My guess is that the bad shit haze finally wore off and Esther realized she was married to a dude who used to suck on Parasite Hilton's septic tank.

And since we're here, (NSFW) click on this to see Fred's limp bizkit. I doubt it's usually like that. Dude must have just stuck it in the vacuum to stretch it out for the cameras.

VIA UsWeekly

Kelly Rutherford from Gossip Girl (or more importantly, the hooker with a heart of gold from the original Melrose Place) was granted a temporary restraining order against her estranged husband, Daniel Giersch, because she claims he is effing up her life with his threats and overall craziness. This is just the latest lukewarm butt nugget in the filthy dirty custody battle between Kelly and Daniel.

According to the documents, Kelly says Daniel has been following her, her nanny and her mother. This caused the nanny to quit, because Daniel would constantly harass her and ask her questions about Kelly. Kelly claims that last week, when the nanny wouldn't give up any info, Daniel threatened to sue her ass. Kelly, who is a proud member of the La Leche League, also added that she can't make enough titty milk for her 3-month-old, because Daniel has caused her stress. Does Kelly have Salma Hayek's number in her rolodex, because she can squirt the leche under any condition! Bombs could be dropping around her, but that wouldn't stop Salma's "heal the world" chichis from feeding everyone.

The judge ordered that Daniel must stay at least 100 yards away from Kelly's life. The only time he's allowed near her home or car is when he's on a court-ordered visit with their kids Hermes & Helena.

Daniel's lawyer farted back at the claims and said Kelly is making it all up.

And I'm not Match.com or anything, but I think we need to set up a date (in a mental hospital) between Daniel and Anne "Celestia" Heche. That right there is a match made in straitjacket heaven.

VIA People