Splits

That cracking sound you heard was from a dozen of Jennifer Love Hewitt's friends breaking their eye bones (YES, we have eye bones) from rolling so hard after seeing that she has called them after a year of silence. Yes, Jennifer Love Hewitt is forever that friend who isn't even trying to have contact with you while she's got a man but will stick to you like sperm on a Duggar ovary when she doesn't. Well, JLove's friends will have to pry her off with whatever you use to pry size 2 clingers off of you, because she's single again. The basic cable Jennifer Aniston has let it be known to UsWeekly that she has quit it with her boyfriend of a year Alex Beh.

This is the same Alex Beh who JLove said brought her flowers every day. It's also the same Alex Beh who knew that JLove already had three Tiffany engagement rings picked out just in case he wanted to propose. And now he's the Alex Beh who's the latest member of The Exes of Jennifer Love Hewitt Club that meets once a week in the basement of a church and bowls together as a team every Sunday afternoon.

We can all sit here and type that JLove needs to put the STOP in desperate, but this is just her way. She gets a man, drools nauseating love hearts all over him, proclaims to the world that he's better than nipple cream and when the relationship ends she uses her tears to stick rhinestones onto her vagina before she finds another man. Barf, rinse, repeat, etc...

Ho is probably uttering out an "I love you" right now to the valet at the vajazzle salon.

As Tina Knowles nearly shakes her wig off out of fear that she'll see security walking down the hallway with empty cardboard boxes in their hands, Beyonce has announced that she has scratched the "Beyonce's manager" part off of her daddy's business card and shooed him away. Matthew Knowles services as Beyonce's manager are no longer needed.

Daddy Knowles has been Beyonce's manager since Destiny birthed out four yodeling wigs a long time ago! Matthew is the one who watered them with the sweat falling off his forehead from working the ho stroll and watched them grow into international superstars!!! Mathew is also the one who drove disobedient DC members into the middle of nowhere and pushed them out of the car with only a cold sack lunch in their hands when they tried to outshine Beyonce. And now, he's out. AP brings the news that will singe every weave in Texas:

Beyonce's publicist, Yvette Noel-Schure, told The Associated Press in a statement Monday that the Grammy-winning singer and her father have parted ways "on a business level."

Knowles has managed his daughter since she debuted as a teen in the multiplatinum-selling group Destiny's Child in the late 1990s and throughout her superstar career as a solo artist.

Beyonce says in the statement that she is grateful for the role her father has had in her career. She adds that "he is my father for life and I love my dad dearly."

Solange's full belly cackles will be busting the floor boards tonight! That's until the basement door opens and she sees Matthew Knowles shuffling down the stairs with his head in his hands. The insulation in the basement is bad enough, and now she has to listen to Matthew muttering "fuckmylife" to himself all day and night.

And Papa Joe better log in to make sure his password is still good, because firing your daddy could be in the air.

If you're a gayelle who feels a special kind of tingle when your fuck partner growls like a pit bull gnawing on a bone while going down on you and love it when she shoots pussy balls at your parts using the slingshot from her old talk show, then pinch your nips because it's your lucky day! Page Six reports that Rosie O'Donnell and her girlfriend Tracy Kachtick- Anders have stomped their relationship into a fine powder and fed it to the dandruff mutant monsters that live in Donald Trump's hair. Basically, they broke up.

Tracy, who runs a nonprofit that recruits foster and adoptive homes within the LGBT community, moved her six kids to Florida to be with Rosie's army of four children. A source didn't give a reason as to why the love died like my nerves whenever Elisabeth Hasselcrack talks for more than 3 seconds on The View. But the source did say that Tracy has stayed in Florida and moved to a nearby house, because her kids and Rosie's kids have become close. Rosie's rep didn't address the split but let it be known that Tracy and Rosie were never officially the Lezzie Bunch:

"Rosie and Tracy never officially lived under one roof. They have lived near one another for quite some time, and their families still socialize and they see each other frequently."

I'm not going to comment that Rosie is probably difficult as fuck to live with because she nibbles on your ear lobe one minute and then barks into your ear hole the next when you breathe the wrong way or something. Instead I'm going to blame this split on the most obvious thing....CROCS! CROCS may feel like a warm smile for your feet to some people, but it's made of the labia from Satan's minions and it devours love whenever it gets a chance! And Rosie's relationship ending is a prime example of that shit. And don't get me started on CROCS dildos. Not today.

I knew it. Ever since Ashlee Simpson broke the house that Hot Topic built by filing for divorce from the Emo Chia Pet, Pete Wentz, he's been crying out a waterfall of sad tears that has sucked every bit of moisture from his hair and left the top of his head looking like a Kardashian's unshaven armpit. Ashlee's side put the blame on Pete by saying she wanted to live a simple life with their son Queens Shere Khan, but he continued to travel the world with his band. Now Pete's side is putting their gayliner on extra thick and heading into battle against Ashlee. They claim that as their marriage started to crumble like her vocal cords whenever she tries to sing, she stayed out until dawn.

A source tells UsWeekly that Ashlee regularly used her chin to muddle mojitos and other boozy beverage for hot skaters in San Clemente. While Pete was away, the chin did play! The source puts it like this, "Ashlee has been out late partying for the past few months. Pete would constantly check in on Ashlee, and he'd have his friends call the house and her cell to make sure she said she was where she said she was going to be. He felt like he couldn't trust her."

And there's more! A different source tells Popeater that Papa Joe has once again stuck his fupa (I mean that both figuratively and literally) between his daughter and her husband. Papa Joe loves it that Ashlee is single again and he has her right where he wants her, "Joe is doing nothing to encourage Ashlee to give the marriage another try, if only for the sake of her son. Joe likes being the only man in his daughters' lives and is happy that Ashlee has moved back into his home [in Encino, Calif.], just like Jessica did after she announced she was leaving Nick. Joe got rid of Nick, and now he is saying goodbye to Pete."

Ashlee Simpson is as dumb as Jessica Simpson's toilet for moving back in with Papa Joe. If Ashlee boozed a lot while she was living with Pete, then she's going to stay DRUNK while living with Papa Joe. Bitch is going to have to down a full-bottle shot of boric acid every time Papa Joe shimmies into her room, drops his chonies and declares, "Look! Thanks to a bottle of black RIT, I've got a Pete Wentz 'do down there too!" And really, Papa Joe is going to do that every hour on the hour.

The stroll has been aching to hear the roar of Sienna Miller's bulldozer vag and wives have been sleeping a little too soundly lately, so it pleases me to learn that things between her on-and-off again piece Jude Law are set to off again. Don't bother declaring a CODE: LOCK UP YER HUZBANDZ, because Sienna can pick a lock with her clit and sniff out precious metal dust on a wedding finger from miles away.

A friend of Jude Law tells People that there wasn't any kind of scandal involved with their break-up and their relationship simply ran out of breath, stopped and walked over to the bleachers to take an indefinite nap. Jude's rep confirms that Sienna is no longer licking the skin triangles on his head.

Thank the homewrecking slut gods for this. Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes' homewrecking game is just pathetic and Blake Lively's acts of ho shit are laughable. It's like they're all still taking classes at a Montessori school and Sienna is teaching the MASTER CLASS at fucking Harvard. Seasoned Sienna is finally back and I'm sure she'll be better than ever once she squirts a little WD-40 on her rusty parts and gets things going again. I really can't wait to see which dude will star in the next episode of Sienna's Extreme Makeover: Homewrecker Edition. Move that bus!

Terrence Howard's wife of only one year Michelle Howard, seen her trying to hide the down low discomfort she feels from over-baby wiping her chocha, has filed for divorce. Terrence and Michelle made wipes every variety cry Propylene glycol tears of happiness when they were married on January 20, 2010. Michelle wrote January 27, 2011 as the day their marriage fell into a Pamper and got stuffed into a Diaper Genie.

Radar reports that Michelle wants spousal support and is also asking that Terrence take care of her legal fees. Terrence and Michelle never had children, because he didn't want her sharing her stash of Baby Wipes with anybody else!

Terrence's voice could melt the ice in my well whiskey, but that bitch has the wrong kind of OCD. Michelle couldn't use the bathroom without Terrence putting his ear up to the door to make sure her hand never touched that roll of toilet paper. After she finished, Terrence went in there and counted every damn sheet! If Michelle's pussy didn't smell like baby ass and Purell, he sent her back to the bathroom to try again. Michelle is divorcing that motherfucker, because she wants CHARMIN back in her life. It's as simple as that.

Because coordinating outfits with your piece gets exhausting after a while, Keira Knightley and her boyfriend of 5 years Rupert Friend have stuffed the pieces of their relationship into a GLAD bag and thrown it on the back of a truck heading for the nearest dumpster. There were rumors that Keira and Rupert stopped creating impromptu Vogue editorials together months ago, but her father confirmed their split to The Sun today.

Daddy Knightley didn't say why 25-year-old Keira and 29-year-old Rupert are no longer bumping pelvic bones, but a friend says that all the paparazzi attention is to blame. The friend explained, "Rupert hates the idea of being followed and photographed. Keira partially had to accept it because of her rising profile. It affected the harmony in the relationship. The pressure took its toll and both decided they should go their separate ways. They will remain life-long friends."

PAP ATTENTION?! They were good at hiding their hate for the paps then, because almost every candid I've seen of them looks like a European Chico's ad. They gave FACE! POUT! FACE! SULLEN! FACE! for days. My guess is that the real reason they broke up is because they were sick of setting the smoke detectors off when they rubbed their cheekbones together while making out.

And I know Keira's name is spelled differently, but it always makes me think of David from The Real World: Seattle and his secret girlfriend Kira. Remember his amazing freak out in a damn pickup truck?

"Kiiiiiiira, Kiiiiiiiiiiiira, you're breaking my haaaaaaht!" Please tell me Rupert and Keira had the same kind of break-up fight in a pick-up truck on the streets of London? But I'm sure they looked devastatingly FIERCE while doing so.

When Shakira and Antonio de la Rua told all of us to gather in the "nice" living room and sit in a row on the sofa, we knew something serious was going to go down. But when they carried the armchairs from the dining room and sat in front of us, we knew something serious SERIOUS was going down. Then Shakira pulled out a letter the two co-wrote during one of their therapy sessions and calmly told us that after 11 years together, they quietly split last summer. We might have noticed that Antonio hasn't been around lately. Shakira made excuses like, "Oh, he's working late and is going to sleep on the sofa in his office." But the truth is, Antonio moved out! They still love us very much and we can visit Antonio at his new apartment any time we want. And then Shakira softly read the letter (via Shakira's blog):

Dear Friends,

During our almost 11 years together we have loved each other deeply, taken care of each other and stood by one another. They have been the most wonderful years of our lives, and thanks to that love and the respect that we share for one another we have been an exceptional couple and partners.

However, since August 2010, we made a mutual decision to take time apart from our romantic relationship. Throughout this time we have continued to work together hand in hand, have remained close and have kept the details absolutely private until now.

We view this period of separation as temporary and as a time of individual growth as we continue to be partners in our business and professional lives.

Antonio continues to oversee and conduct my business and career interests as he has always done. We move forward as partners, developing projects together, working hand in hand and in close communication. Our friendship and understanding of one another is unwavering and indestructible.

We would like to advise that we will not be giving interviews or making more statements with respect to this matter and we appreciate in advance your understanding and respect during this sensitive time in our lives.

Shakira and Antonio

I really do love that they wrote a letter that started with "Dear Friends..." Doesn't it make you feel all special? Like your parents giving you the "divorce" talk. But Shakira and Antonio really didn't have to write that letter. They just had to show us the picture above and it would've told us everything. Yup, that dog is definitely THAT KIND OF DOG. The kind of dog who splits up longterm relationships with his constant loud ass middle of the night lickings that wakes up everybody! Shakira was sick of waking up to the sound of SLURP SLURP SLURP coming from the foot of her bed. Okay, we all want to wake up to the slurping sound coming from down below, but now when it's a dog licking on his own ass at full volume! Get your own room, dog!

(Thanks to Ken for sending this in)

THE GIFT OF DIVORCE! It was just over a week ago that Ryan Reynolds and ScarJo got peens wagging and chochas chirping at the thought of them back on the market when they announced that they're splitting up....and now he's making it official. People says that Ryan filed for divorce this afternoon in Los Angeles. If you're hoping that Ryan and ScarJo's divorce will get so filthy dirty that they'll eventually wrestle naked in a kiddie pool of oil in the middle of a court room, you better pull your pants back up. That's not going to happen. ScarJo filed her divorce response at the same time, which means they are probably going to play nice. No greasy ScarJo and RyRey nipples for now.

Ryan and ScarJo didn't get a prenup, but neither is seeking any kind of spousal support. They both list December 14th as the day they decided to take their genitals elsewhere for good.

There's a million rumors going around as to why their marriage flopped on the sand before dying. Some say that ScarJo treated Ryan like an unwanted dingle, and others say that one of them cheated. But People says that they barely were around each other due to their careers and decided that calling it a day was better than trying to work that shit out.

Well, fuck us all! Two celebrities not chewing each other's eye balls out during a divorce battle? Something in the eggnog ain't clean (Ed. note: I don't anything in eggnog is clean). Maybe Ryan wants to get that shit over with so he can go back to doing ab crunches. Or maybe it's just a Christmas miracle! A sad Christmas miracle, but still a Christmas miracle.

(Image via Fame Pictures)

Thank the FUCK it wasn't Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon or half of Brooklyn would have to doggy paddle through the river of tears and barf pouring out of my skull! But sadly, the final break-up spot has been taken by ScarJo and Ryan Reynolds. Just like Dexter & Deb and Zac & Vanessa, ScarJo and Ryan Reynolds have decided they wish to pass their genitals to others and have pressed the pause button on their 2-year-old marriage.

A source tells TMZ ScarJo and Ryan are living in separate places. The source is probably my cousin who told me she wanted a waterproof Green Lantern poster for Christmas. Sick horny bitch! But I have the feeling she's not the only one Googling "Green Lantern Dildo."

2009 was the year of deaths and 2010 is now the year that love burped out its last bref before rolling over into a shallow grave. I guess that means 2011 will be the year of BIRTHS. This makes sense since the world is ending in 2012. I just knew we'd go out under a mountain of baby saliva, diapers and creamed placenta.

UPDATE: It's true. ScarJo and Ryan released this official joint statement to UsWeekly: "After long and careful consideration on both our parts, we've decided to end our marriage. We entered our relationship with love and it's with love and kindness we leave it. While privacy isn't expected, it's certainly appreciated."

What is this "long and careful consideration" they speak of? If I was ScarJo, Ryan would simply have to drop his chonies and lift his shirt over his nipples to save our marriage. Divorce averted!