Splits

Today in Clearwater, FL, a court room was filled with thirstay peroxide mops, turkey jerky skin and desperation, because the Hogans here there to make their divorce final. The fact that both Hulk and Linda both brought look-alike toys made the whole affair even sadder than Brooke's album signing in the sock section of Wal-Mart.

For over two years, these two water damaged leather sacks have been fighting like Gosselins. Linda wanted more cash to keep her looking like the fine diamond she is, but Hulk didn't want to give it up. OK! says that they finally came to an agreement, but the terms will not be released.

It apparently all ended amicably, because Linda and Hulk even kissed each on the cheek at the end. May the record show: BARF VOM FART.

First it was LeAnn Rimes and her baby gayfaced husband, then it was Joe Jonas and his eyebrow soulmate and now it's Kim Kardassian and Reggie Bush! Fart it ain't so! It's the week of break-ups! So if your fuck time partner says they "need to talk" and you're not ready to quit the ass, tell them you got the oink flu and to check on you next week.

Kim Kardassian's spokeswhore confirms that she's no longer letting Reggie motorboat her naaaaaalgas (so big needs extra As). A source claims, "Nobody cheated. This is just a case of conflicting schedules and their lives going in different directions. It was a totally mutual decision."

The fact that this "source" states nobody cheated, means somebody passed their genitals around on the down low. All signs point to Reggie. Dude plays football for a living, so he probably wet humps anything with nipples. Note to self: The next time you come across Reggie Bush, flash them nipples.

And I love the whole "scheduling conflicts" shit! Like that bitch does anything. Yes, Kim, being useless is more than a full-time job.

19-year-old Joe Jonas and his 22-year-old girlfriend Camilla Belle are no longer rubbing against each other's eyebrows or plucking loose hairs together, because they have broken up. Camilla's rep confirmed the tragic news to People: "Yes, it's true. Joe and Camilla have broken up. There is no third party involved and they care deeply about each other and will remain friends."

Um, I think the third party involved was Camilla's vagina, because it had the grouchies due to Joe refusing to tickle it. He would rather spend his nights trying out new hair products. Wait, is Joe the gay one? I always get confused. Will the gay Jonas Brother please just wear a name tag that says: "Hello, My Name is The Gay Jonas Brother"? It will make things a lot easier.

Seriously, though, I think there was a very important reason for Joe and Camilla's break-up. If they didn't end things, Joe would've never gotten misty-eyed during his concert last night and this video would not exist (WARNING: This may cause you to stick sharp foreign objects in your ear holes):

And just for record keeping purposes, this is my eyebrows' favorite couple of all-time and forever:

LeAnn Rimes 7-year marriage to Dean Rainbow Sherbet is currently on pause following a zillion rumors that she Sienna Miller-ed Eddie Cibrian (who also split from his wife). During a show at the Deer Valley Music Festival in Utah on Saturday night, LeAnn briefly talked about her split from Twinkle Face. And of course, she brought God into it:

"It is inevitable that sometimes in a relationship, you will have your heart broken. Sometimes you don't do anything, but sometimes you want revenge. Sometimes you don't, and that's when you just leave it in God's hands and know that He will take care of it."

Did God's hand also put Eddie Cibrian's married penis into your married vagina? And with that, my moving date to Hell just got moved up! Call the movers.

But seriously, LeAnn needs to quit it with that "heartbroken" and "woe is me" shit. BITCH, quit the apple pie act. Just say, "Listen, if you had a chance to get dicked by Eddie Cibrian, you would do it too." The truth. The end. Done.

Guess what? LeAnn Rimes and her baby gay-faced husband Dean Rainbow Sherbert (government name: Dean Sheremet) are no longer NOT having sex with each other under the same roof. A source close to LeAnn tells People that after 7 years of marriage, they aren't together anymore and haven't been since the first season of RuPaul's Drag Race debuted (I'm speaking mine and Dean's language here).

The source went on to say, "LeAnn and her husband have been separated for quite some time now, but they continue to try and work through their relationship."

LeAnn's rumored fuck time partner, Eddie Cibrian, is also having marriage problems. A few days ago, his wife announced that she put his ass on the curb and said he belongs with LeAnn.

I don't know if LeAnn and Eddie belong together, but I do know that Dean better milk that ho dry. I'm talking about LeAnn, but if Eddie is into it, Dean should milk him too. Seriously, Dean should take of all of LeAnn's "How Do I Live Without You?" money and go crazy! Run free! Buy some menses! Pull a Gay Al Renolds!!! Freak out!

Image: Pacific Coast News

Eddie Cibrian's wife, Brandi Glanville, has quit his ass and ran off into the loving arms of UsWeekly to shed a million tears! UsWeekly totally grabbed her titty while she was spilling her pain. You know it. Brandi cried to them, "Eddie and I have decided to take some time apart. I want to do what is best for our children (Ed note: And for her famewhoring gene). Eddie and LeAnn Rimes deserve each other."

In case you fell asleep during my last post about LeAnn Rimes (which is understandable since she's as interesting as dehydrated jicama), let me remind you what's up. So, LeAnn made some basic cable movie with official panty creamer Eddie Cibrian. It was rumored that the two were sexing on each other during filming. They both denied it. A couple of months later, Brandi got on the stage, took the mic and claimed LeAnn was "obsessed" with her husband. A month after that, LeAnn and Eddie were caught hanging out together in public. And here we are now...

Sources say that Eddie and LeAnn have been creeping around for a while now. For the past month, they've been using one of LeAnn's friend's houses to do fuck stuff in.

If I was Brandi, I wouldn't be blabbing to the media. Instead, I'd get me in car, go to the nearest glory hole, kick the dick out of LeAnn's husband's mouth and promise him a vintage Bob Mackie Cher doll to join forces. Don't get mad, GET THAT MONEY! If they need a prominent and well-respected attorney, Iris Finsilver is available.

UsWeekly is shouting that Charlene Duprey and one of the long-lost Keebler elves have quit each other after 7 years. A source says that Jermaine Dupri was telling people that the reason why he didn't go to Michael Jackson's memorial was because he "doesn't attend funeral," but the truth is he wasn't with Janet anymore.

Apparently, Janet decided that she wanted to keep her peen time and business time separate. The source went on to say, "You shouldn't mix business with pleasure. Janet felt their lives were too crossed and they should have kept things sepa­rate. Jermaine likes to be out there, mingling with everybody, and ­Janet's more shy."

Or maybe Janet was just sick of having to answer a riddle every time she wanted to spend time with Jermaine.

Every crackie in Camden will be bowing their heads for a few seconds longer as they light their pipe today, because the cracked out romance of this century has had its last puff! Wino's divorce to Blaaaaake was granted today which means they are no more. Wino and Blaaaake weren't in court today when a judge brought down the machete. It only lasted a few seconds.

Blaaaake is the one who filed for divorce and wrote down "adultery" as the reason why he wanted their beautiful union flushed down the toilet. Wino admitted to doing NOT RIGHT sexy times last year with a couple of dudes. In the papers, Wino admits to passing her married puss around and also stated that she will not defend the case. No, she wouldn't even scream "BLAAAAAAAKE" at the top of her molten lungs one last time. What is going on in this world?!

I feel like we should all put on a pair of caca-covered ballet slippers and run through the street screaming "BLAAAAAAKE" for old time's sake, because this means I have to start calling him just "Blake." Or just "fucktard," because anybody who pushes away love from such a beautiful creature really has heroin ash for brains.

The only good thing that come out of this split is if Wino finds comfort in the track mark-covered arms of DREAMBOAT DOHERTY! I think every dealer in the world just jizzed their pants.

Source: People

Ed Westwick and Chace Crawford, the stars of a trillion blind items, have parted ways and are no longer living together. UsWeekly says that Chace packed up his blow dryer and moved out of the Chelsea apartment he shared with Ed Westwick since they started working on Gossip Girl together. Chace moved into a fancy penthouse in the financial district. The mirror is all his now!

A source says that Chace fluttered out of their nest, because he just couldn't take Ed's slob ways anymore. So I take it that Chace didn't like it when Ed would just bust all over the sheets, roll over and then go to bed. Jizz dust and dried-up ass jelly on the sheets never bothered me, but some hos have weak stomachs.

I have a feeling this is going to hit Ed hard. I hope he prepared for this by recording Chace's sleepy time breathing before he left, so he has something to soothe him to sleep at night.

True story. One of my friends was having a shitty time sleeping after a break up, because he was so used to going to bed with his man. Someone told his ass that he should cover a pillow with his ex's t-shirt and spray his cologne on it. My friend did just that and it worked! It made him look crazier than a Mexican jumping bean, but it worked! Okay, okay, I do the same thing each night, but I cuddle with a silver fox stuffed animal while audio of Anderson Cooper saying "I Wanna Be Your Boo" plays on a loop.

Here's Chuck Bass and foot fetish porn star Leighton Meester on the set of GG yesterday.

Papa Joe won't be spending his afternoon in a bubble bath with his Crazy Daisy Love Doll like usual, because he'll be too busy begging Nick Lachey to get back together with Jessica Simpson so they can shoot another reality show together called Newlyweds: Once More With Feeling. Papa Joe knows that Jessica will have to find another way of staying relevant now that Tony Romo has dumped her ass after almost two years together.

A source said that Tony pink-slipped Jessica the night before her birfday. I guess that's one way of getting out of buying her ass a present.

Jessica was planning a Barbie and Ken-themed party for her birthday (and there's the reason why Tony quit her ass), but canceled it. The source went on to say, "She is heartbroken. She loves Tony. But it's been difficult lately. He's busy with his career and she's getting ready to shoot her show (The Price of Beauty). They decided to part ways."

Jessica took a break from drowning her sorrows in sheet cake (Jennifer Aniston already ate the country's supply of packaged cookie dough), to Twitter a little bit. Last night, she wrote: "Everyone needs to know that hope floats...grab the strings and pull it back to you." A few hours later, she added: "Falling asleep with my mom and the dogs. Please lord give all of my beautiful fans, friends, enemies, and family rest. Bring all of us peace."

What she really meant is: PLEASE LORD GET ME THE COVER OF PEOPLE THIS WEEK!