Splits

Blind items star Ed Westwick has reportedly quit his Gossip Girl co-star girlfriend Jessica Szohr after he heard rumors that she got it on with a hot piece named Marco Minuto at her birthday party in Los Angeles. Basically, Chuck was probably upset that she took her empty plate to the sausage buffet without him. They used to do everything together including eat sausages. Why did Jessica have to make Ed's pucker wilt? #sadduckfaceissad

A source tells Page Six, "Jessica recently celebrated her birthday in LA and was being openly affectionate and flirty with Marco. They ended up back at the same hotel, but nobody knows what happened behind closed doors. Her flirty behavior shocked a lot of their friends, so word quickly got back to Ed, who has been filming in Europe. He immediately ended their relationship on the phone, and Jessica, who denied anything happened with Marco, was so distraught that she flew to London last Friday with just the clothes on her back. She's been begging Ed to take her back, but he is deeply hurt. He can't believe that she carried on this way with one of his friends."

Jessica's spokeswhore denies this whole mess.

Well, if Jessica really isn't in the picture anymore, my question is:

Who is

going to

make Ed

pucker now?

Chace Crawford better sprinkle a little hot sauce on his biscuit, because Ed's pucker is going to need perking up.

Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy have put their genitals back on the market and split up after 5 years together. Jenny decided to end things when she found out Jim was vaccinated as a child and so she couldn't risk infecting herself by licking his pre-cum. It's understandable. I'm with Jenny.

Jim and Jenny both announced the split on their Twatter accounts. Jim was up first:

Jenny and I have just ended our 5yr relationship. I'm grateful 4 the many blessings we've shared and I wish her the very best! S'okay! ?;^>

And then Jenny:

Im so grateful for the years Jim and I had together. I will stay committed to Jane (Ed note: Jane is Jim's daughter) and will always keep Jim as a leading man in my heart.

You know, it's nice that we've returned to the days where celebwhores can peacefully break up without help from a stash of secret mistress whores and/or a sex tape. Shit, I've jinxed it, haven't I? Well, hopefully Jenny is the one with the secret whores, because we need more peen around these parts.

via People

This story is as old as time. A world famous superstar sensation turns her hairy back on the one true friend who loved her unconditionally when she was just a lonely cat lady who practiced kissing with her pillow and ate canned tuna for all her meals. But now that she's the toast of the entire world, she has completely forgotten about her soul mate. A tragic tail.

Susan Boyle's rep confirms to The Mirror says that she is no longer living with Pebbles the cat. SuBo is too busy traveling the planet and she's only visited Pebbles three times in the past 7 months. Pebbles now lives with a retired woman who gets paid around $7 a day to care for SuBo's ex-best friend. The woman said that the last time SuBo came around to visit, Pebbles wouldn't even come out to tell the bitch "hi." And do you blame the pussy?

Pebbles probably spent many a lonely night cuddling up next to a furry caterpillar thinking it was one of SuBo's eyebrows. And when the caterpillar would sting her ass, Pebbles would continue to cuddle it. But nothing stings harder than being abandoned by your best friend for the cheap whore known as fame!

Pebbles will get her revenge by putting out an album of angsty chick rock songs about how SuBo did her wrong. Pebbles will be the Alanis Morrissette of 2010.

Dennis Hopper filed for divorce from his wife of 13 years, Victoria Hopper, a couple of weeks ago, even though he is reportedly on his deathbed. One of Dennis' friends said that he was only divorcing his wife to keep her from getting a large chunk of his money when he passes away. Victoria filed her own legal papers today, requesting custody of their 6-year-old daughter Galen (Fun fact: Galen was one of my nicknames in junior high).

In papers obtained by the Daily Beast, Victoria says she wants spousal and child support. Victoria also thinks that the court should name her and Galen the equal beneficiaries of Dennis' $1 million life insurance policy. Victoria explains, “Based on Petitioner’s statements to me that he will leave me destitute and because I do not have a steady or significant source of income, I fear I will be unable to financially provide for our six year old daughter and myself.” But Victoria didn't stop there!

Victoria says that Dennis, who is currently battling prostate cancer, regularly smokes medical marijuana in front of their daughter. That actually is a form of HUMAN ABUSE, because you shouldn't smoke a joint in front of a person without sharing!

The Uma Thurman/Toni Collette hybrid claims that Dennis has threatened to kill her ass if she leaves him, and that he keeps loaded guns in the house. AND THERE'S MORE!

According to Victoria, Dennis doesn't want to divorce her. Victoria believes that his 47-year-old gold digging daughter is making Dennis go through with the divorce, so she can get a bigger cut of his fortune when he dies.

Who knew the end of a marriage could be like a 4-episode story arch on Dynasty? SIGN ME UP! The only way this could get more dramatic is if Galen runs away to marry the Prince of Moldavia. And P.S. - The King of Moldavia's name is Galen. This is all connected somehow.

Dennis Hopper filed for divorce from his wife of 14 years Victoria Hopper yesterday. Victoria is Dennis' fifth wife and they have a 6-year-old kid together. This would seem like your normal "We Hate Each Other Now" divorce story, but according to several reports, Dennis is laid up in a hospital and he isn't doing at all. Dennis was diagnosed with prostate cancer a few months ago, and a few sources say he's in his last days.

One of Dennis' friends tells the Huffington Post that he isn't there mentally due to the massive amounts of meds they have him on. But Dennis found a way to drop the big D on Victoria, because he wants to keep her hands off of his money. Dennis' friend went on to say, "It's truly a tragedy, and sadly its all about the money and who inherits what. This is about getting Victoria out of the will, nothing more, nothing less."

I get all my legal advice from Craigslist, so I'm sure I have no idea what I'm farting about (as usual). But wouldn't it be easier if a lawyer-type just took a Sharpie to Victoria's name on Dennis' will and added the note "bitch don't get shit"?

Free clinics everywhere will be on high alert this weekend, because Pamela Anderson is back out on the prowl. Radar reports that Pammy's trailer park love affair with electrician/surfer Jamie Padgett has come to an end. The two had been bumping genital warts for the past year, but Pammy decided that her vagina needed something different to slurp on.

A source said, “Pam made it pretty clear she is no longer dating Jamie and that she was looking for a new love interest. She didn’t have anything bad to say about him and described him as a ‘sweet guy’ and that she hoped they would remain friends. Her ex-husband Tommy Lee was jealous of Jamie and Pam’s relationship and he had given their two sons Brandon and Dylan some surfing lessons.”

Jamie poked out of his CDC-ordered contamination tent and told Radar he didn't know if he was still with Pamela. Jamie said it was up to her.

Basically, Pamela used Jamie and she's done with him now that he's finished crossing her wires. We all know that Pamela is having trouble finishing the renovations on her house, so my guess is that she got Jamie to do electrical- work for her pro-BONE-o. All plumbers should beware, because Pammy is coming for them next.

Tonight when the Twitwards are flossing their vaginas with the Jacob Black fleece throws they got for Christmas, it will be much more gratifying because Taylor Lautner is SINGLE! I think a thousand cherries just spontaneously popped.

UsWeekly reports that the 3-month-long love affair between 17-year-old Taylor Lautner and 20-year-old Taylor Swift has come to an end. A source said that Girl Taylor wasn't really getting the shakes in her loins whenever Boy Taylor came around. The source added, "He liked her more than she liked him. He went everywhere he could to see her, but she didn't travel much to see him. It wasn't really developing into anything, and wasn't going to, so they decided they were better as friends. There was no chemistry, and it felt contrived."

Hm. Maybe it felt contrived, because both of them had their publicists screaming in their ears, "HOLD HER HAND! KISS HIS CHEEK! PASS HIM THAT NOTE IN HOMEROOM! TOUCH HER BOOBY!" Yes, both of their publicists sound like Kanye (ironic, eh).

But seriously, this is all kinds of hilarious. There's millions of girls who would sell their entire family for just one of Boy Taylor's nose hairs. And Girl Taylor rolls her eyes whenever Boy Taylor's name pops up on her cell phone. HAHAHA. Maybe Girl Taylor just wasn't into Boy Taylor trying to toss her salad while calling her "Edward." Hey, just let me have my fantasies!

Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins have gone their separate ways after 23 years together. This is seriously some surprising shit! They never cursed their relationship by saying the words "I DO" in front of a preacher, so I figured they would last foreeeeever. There's no hope for any of us. Let's all get in the convertible and drive to Mexico.

Susan's rep issued this statement to People:

"Actress Susan Sarandon and her partner of 23 years, actor Tim Robbins have announced that they separated over the summer. No further comments will be made."

OVER THE SUMMER!? Love died in the summer, and all of us have been going around like nothing is wrong?

Well, I guess it must get boring waking up to the same face every morning for the past 23 years. On the other hand, it must be sad no longer waking up to the same face every morning after 23 years. I need to stop, because I'm starting to sound like a Roberta Flack song.

LeAnn Rimes wanted to quickly wash her hands of Dean Rainbow Sherbert, so that they would be completely free to grope on Eddie Cibrian's dirty genitals. People reports that on the same day Dean filed for divorce from LeAnn, they agreed on a divorce settlement. The details of the settlement will not be released due to something I've never ever heard of called "privacy." I'll Google that later. Here's what the settlement document says:

"The [settlement] shall not be filed in this proceeding due to the parties mutual desire to maintain their respective rights to privacy."

Hopefully, LeAnn slipped enough cash in Dean's Lisa Frank wallet to buy him the best dick money can buy! Dean has earned it.

LeAnn and Dean's marriage will officially be dead and buried on June 19, 2010. June 19th is not only the day Dean gets to frolic freely through fields of peen, but it's also my birthday.

In other news, June 19th was just declared the gayest day of the year.

Ivana Trump split from her fourth husband Rossano Rubicondi (pronounced: Just Hittin' That Prune Poon For the Cash) last year, but she barely filed for divorce from him yesterday in NYC. Ivana and Rossano dated for six years before making it legal in 2008. They quit each other a few months later after Rossano was caught licking on a vagina not belonging to Ivana while he filmed Celebrity Survivor in Italy. Although, Ivana claims that distance killed the marriage, not another snatch.

Ivana said this shit to Page Six: "Rossano has been living and working in Italy for most of the last two years. Given my extensive business interests around the globe, it has become increasingly difficult for us to find time together . . . With sadness . . . I say it is time to move on . . . I wish Rossano well!"

Extensive business interests around the globe?!!!! File that one away for use at a later date. Seriously, the next time you want to send your full-time fuck partner to the recycle bin, just tell them that it's not going to work out "given your extensive business interests around the globe." Basically, that just means you want to sample different kinds of international peen before settling down with just one.

And put on your slickers, because Peta is going to flour bomb that picture in 3..2..