Splits

Kelis and Nas are two people I never thought I'd see getting on the Chinatown bus to divorce town, but away they go! Kelis, the chick whose milkshake makes all the boys thirsty or something, has filed for divorce from Nas after about 3 years of being married. Kelis even has a baby friend simmering in her womb. It's due to be released into this cruel world in about 2 months.

In the papers, Kelis is asking for spousal and child support. Also, she wants joint legal and physical custody of their unborn baby.

Kelis states they have only been separated for around two weeks, so maybe this is one of those "If you don't raise the toilet seat when you piss, I'm divorcing your ass" things. He didn't raise the toilet seat, so she dropped the papers off to teach him a lesson. Or maybe he just creeped on another coochie and got caught. Yeah, probably that. All I know is that I will be pouring out a milkshake for them.

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It looks like someone got caught doing lines off of a hooker's nalgas again, because Sean Penn has filed for "legal separation with children" from Robin Wright. Extra (via UsWeekly) says Sean threw his hat back into the divorce ring last Friday. This is the third time they've flirted with divorce.

In December 2007, Sean filed for divorce, but a few days letter he said he was just joking and took it back. A few days later, Robin Wright filed for divorce herself, but in April 2008 they decided to torture themselves some more by trying to make it work and canceled their divorce petition.

When Sean won the Oscar, Robin was sitting there waiting for him to throw her a kiss, but he didn't. Sean didn't thank her and later said he wanted to keep the focus on the movie. And by "keep the focus on the movie," he meant he forgot he was married because he was too busy finger fucking Natalie Portman with his eyes.

Hopefully, it will stick this time. It has to suck sitting at home waiting for your b-hole husband to stumble inside reeking of rancid coke breath and fuck juices. Open your cougar cage, Robin and pounce out! There's a whole lot of dickin' to do!

In case your body is still in a sugar shock after devouring a flock of Peeps causing you to be foggy in the brains, this picture was taken in the 80s. That gorgeous Aquanet can next to Mel Gibson is his wife Robyn. Robyn totally needs to be on the receiving end of a Aquanet bukkake again, so she can bring back that totally sexy hair now that she's almost legally single and ready to mingle.

TMZ says Robyn gave her husband of 28 years a special Easter present by filing for divorce! Robyn is about to be free of the lunacy!

In the documents, Robyn blamed the standby excuse "irreconcilable differences" on the reason why she wants to throw her marriage into the fire. Robyn may blame "irreconcilable difference," but fucked-up Mel is totally going to blame Jews.

Robyn could also be swimming in a sea of money soon, because she doesn't have a prenup with Mel. According to California law, Robyn is entitled to half of Mel's multi-million dollar fortune. Robyn wants spousal support, joint custody of their 10-year-old son and attorney fees. They have 7 kids together, but only one is a minor.

TMZ says that the divorce doesn't have much to do with the recent rumor that Mel is doing illegal sexy times with some ho. Their problems started long before that mess.

Oh, I hope Robyn bends Mel Gibson over and butt fucks MILLIONS out of his crazy ass! And I hope she calls him "sugartits" while doing say. Get that money, bitch!

I was looking for a picture to go with this post when I came across this wild dog chilling outside of SamRo's house last night. It looks like Blohan isn't the only wild beast stalking SamRo. This wild dog, who is probably just trying to get close to SamRo's stash, seems totally over the cokey lezzie drama. Yawn with the dog, snort some Red Bull and then read on....

Blohan tells E! News that it's true she has split up with her main labia licker after their pathetic weekend of tears, Twittering and twattery. She gave a brief little statement, "We are taking a brief break so I can focus on myself."

That is a "Bitch got DUMPED!!!" statement if I ever read one. It's nice that Blo has a sense of humor. I mean, "focus on herself." What in the dick has she been focusing on for the past ten million years?! I don't see her walking children in nature!

Blohan better get herself a new sponsor, because dealers don't like it when you are more than 30-days late! Spread that snatch, because 8-balls don't buy themselves!

Or she needs to stumble into the desert, declare to some strangers that she's the daughter of God and then rebound from SamRo by marrying a cameraman with Dennis the Menace hair.

Image: Pacific Coast News

Water is wet, Katherine Hagel is a cunt, Tommy Girl likes a spoonful of hot man chowder on his forehead every morning and Shanna Mocos and Travis Barker have broken up. Mark April 1, 2009 as the day the love died for the ten trillionth time. Their talking whores confirmed the queef-inducing news to UsWeekly.

Shanna and Travis got married in 2004. Most of you stopped fucking caring about them in 2005. Shanna filed for divorce in 2006. They tried to make it work in 2007. Their divorce became official in 2008. They got back together again in 2009. And now we're here.

A source said they broke up last night in true trailer trash fashion. They had some stupid fight about Gerard Butler and the cops had to be called. Travis accused Shanna of fucking on manwhore Gerard while he was in the hospital after the jet crash. Last night, Shanna claims her Twitter was hacked into and the evil doer posted something about her sucking Gerry's peen while Travis was recovering. Just for the record, it's not cheating if it's with Gerry Butler. It's your duty as a human with genitals.

Shanna denies she ever cheated on Travis. Shanna's spokeswhore also said something that almost made me swallow my tongue, "Shanna is tired of playing out their personal relationship in the press."

No, she won't do that, but she will handle it like a mature adult by passing notes to Travis during detention through Twitter. That's how they're handling it tonight. Travis and Shanna have been posting quotes they probably got out of a fortune cookie. Example: “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” Yeah, deep dish shit.

Shanna's next post is totally going to be, "Confucious says 'Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.'"

Madonna has crucified Baby Jesus one last time so that he can fly away and play with infants his own age. The Daily Star says Baby Jesus has been released from Vadge's roided-up cooch of death after she saw pictures of him in Brazil with a young piece. Vadge apparently woke up and smelled the Ben-Gay, so she called up Baby Jesus to tell him his services as her whore were no longer needed.

Vadge also wants to buy another baby in Africa, and she thinks Baby Jesus could fuck up her chances. A source said, “She was drawn to Jesus. But it was just a bit of fun and she’s enjoyed herself. But she is growing bored of the relationship and her family comes first. He would ruin her chances of adopting again. And the pictures of him with Luciana made her realize that he’ll be better suited to somebody his own age.”

Ruining her chances of adopting again? Um. Color me dumb (again), but I thought Baby Jesus WAS the latest child adopted by Vadge? Baby Jesus should thank Jesus that he crawled away with his youth still intact. Besides, Baby Jesus was getting too old for Vadge. I hear she already asked Bronx Mowgli out on a date.

When Jennifer Aniston got back from Europe where she was promoting that dead dog movie, John Mayer greeted her with a big fat "It's fucking over." Jenny has been here a trillion times before, so she shrugged her shoulders, went home, pulled out her custom-made flavor of Ben & Jerry's "Everything But The...Babies and Husband" (specifically made for her), cuddled with her boyfriend arm pillow and watched a doctored copy of Mr. & Mrs. Smith (with her head digitally replacing Angie's).

E!'s Marc Malkin is hearing that John Mayer dumped her ass sometime this week, because they're contract was up or something like that. John's final mission as Jenny's whore was to hold her hand at the Oscars so her imaginary boyfriend could have the night off.

But one friend of Jenny's rolled their eyes at this rumor since these two twats are known for their on-and-off fakery.

I would ask John Mayer about this on Twitter, since he has practically moved in there full-time, but he would just make some crack about Carl Mayer and I don't want to see it.

And by the end of the day, they'll be back together, married and she'll be knocked up with ten litters or something.

Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel have decided to stop sucking on each other's genitals, because their shit is done. That's what UsWeekly claims anyway. A source said that the on-and-off hobags are off again.

The source said, “Sarah initiated the split this time. He's bummed. He's really blue -- very down. Seems like it's over for good this time. He's sad because he just bought a new place and now has nobody to share it with."

The two started dating about six years ago, they broke up last July and got back together a few months later.

Celebwhores are just like us! They get into huge fights and then say shit like, "It's over! The next time I see your fugly ass face, I hope it's your funeral! I'll be the one fluttering around like the funeral fairy while singing an a capella version of Celebration." Then a few hours later, they're sucking on his peen in between discussing the names of their future babehs. You know how it is.

I'm sure that by the time I hit "publish," Sarah will be motorboating Jimmy's voluptuous tittays again.

Hef's ex-concubine, Holly Madison, and the douchy guinea pig magician known as Criss Angel have ended their magical romance after 4 looooong months. Hey, in whore years, 4 months is like a lifetime!

29-year-old Holly (I just fell off mah chair!) and 41-year-old Criss were living in his Las Vegas house, but since they have broken up, she's moved all her pink Playboy shit into her parents' house.

A source told E! News, "It was a conflict of schedules. She felt she couldn't devote 100 percent of her time in Vegas and his career at the expense of her career and her goals."

Riddle me this, bitch is no longer working at Playboy, she's not licking on Hef's Malt-O-Meal stick anymore, so what "career" is she talking about? Even Criss Angel couldn't pull her CAREER out of a fucking black top hat. The truth is that the bitch finally woke up from the trance he put her under and realized she was fucking Criss Angel. That's the real MINDFREAK.

Holly just needs to go take her happy ass into a corner, sit down and stop trying to make the "husband" thing happen for now. The ho can't pick them. Bitch has been to corpseland and doucheland, but she's never been to her!

Color me fucking surprised, Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox's fartytale engagement has come to end. You know, the color "surprised" can be achieved by getting a dick slapping from Brian. So, color me! Color my face! Color it!

Anyway, UsWeekly says that David Silver is now single after 4 years. Some source type said,"The relationship had run its course. It's completely amicable, and they are remaining friends."

Every whore with half a brain cell knew this shit would happen sooner or sooner. There's too many rumors about David being a major assholian. And I pretty much knew their fate when Megan said at the Golden Globes that David didn't want to be her date. It was only a matter of seconds before she woke up from her dickmatized coma.

Besides, the only reason the gods brought them together was so that this image could be captured. Megan can now concentrate on becoming the next Meryl Streep and David Silver can prepare for his inevitable appearance on Confessions of a Teen Idol 2.

And Sienna Miller better have the twatty wart known as Balthazar Getty burned off STAT, because Megan Fox is going to give her some competition as one of the biggest sluts in Hollywood. Sienna has to set up her game. Now that Megan is on the loose, she's going to eff everyone from Mickey Rourke to Mickey Rooney.