Splits

David Duchovny and Tea Leoni have been separated for a few months now, reports People. I guess she couldn't live with him putting his penis in another people's moutholes, vaginas and poopers.

They issued this paragraph of words confirming that their 11-year marriage is on hold: "In light of continuous speculation over the lives and marriage of Tea Leoni and David Duchovny, the couple has confirmed that they have in fact been separated for several months. The couple had hoped to keep this separation private for the sake of their children."

Tea is a strong woman. She was in "Spanglish," which means she's equipped to cope with this kind of sadness. I don't know what that means, but just agree with me.

It's David I'm worried about. He's fragile and evil sluts with hungry genitals are going to try to take advantage of him in his hour of need. David, come to me. You can cry on my no-no hole...I mean...my shoulder. I'll stroke your penis head and you can cum cry all over me.

Well, what the fuck do you know? The Sun was right. Vadge's spokeswhore just confirmed that her marriage is done. Finished. Kaput. Over. Through. You get it.

Guy Ritchie finally pulled his peen out of her super grip and now he's single. This also means that Vadge the Cougar has been released from her cage. Mothers, hold on to your 20-something sons, Vadge is coming for them!

Vadge's rep Liz Rosenberg said they are divorcing after nearly 8 years of marriage. She went on to say that the two want privacy (HA!) and a settlement has not been reached. They will probably settle it in a wrestling cage match. Vadge is giving Guy some time to train, because she knows very well that her muscled-up vagina lips alone could beat him.

Now that Vadge will no longer be married to an Englishman, can she please drop the fucking British accent?! Please! Guy needs to ask for the accent in the settlement along with hundreds of millions of dollars for putting up with that shit.

Source

It's time for another Vadge and Guy Ritchie are divorcing rumor! This time it's for real......possibly.......maybe.....well....according to The Sun. They have swore on a stack of hotel bibles that Vadge's spokeswhore already has the divorce statement in their hands, ready to be released. I hope it's nice and simple. Something like, "WE QUIT THIS BITCH!"

A source said that they are finally going public with their split because basically they can't fucking stand each other anymore. They fight about everything from adopting another baby to moving to New York to her dick being bigger than his.

Vadge, who is currently on her "Dry & Sour" tour, originally wanted to wait until next year when her tour ends. Her divorce to Guy has now been fast tracked to be finalized by Christmas. Merry Christmas! It also would have been their 8th wedding anniversary. Happy Anniversary!

The loud mouth bitch who spilled the beans said that Guy stopped filming on "Sherlock Holmes" to fly to his parent's house and tell them about the divorce in person. This week he plans to move all his of his stupid shit out of Vadge's London dungeon and move into the house he owns in Wiltshire.

This past summer, Vadge and Guy denied the rumors that their marriage was crumbling into the toilet like a dehydrated butt nugget. Vadge also denied she was bumping roided-up buttholes with A-Rod.

Again, we've heard this shit all before, so take this with a grain of ass dust. It wouldn't be shocking if it turned out to be true. It sounds like they lost that lovin' feeling a long ass time ago. It was probably around the same time that Vadge's buff bagina swallowed Guy's nutsack whole. Guy keeps stroking that area, hoping they will grow back. Sorry, Guy, they're never coming back. They're gone, just like your marriage.

Visit The Sun to read all the details if you give an eff.

82-year-old Hugh Hefner has confirmed to E!'s Marc Malkin that his fairytale romance with Holly Madison has ended its run. I'm sure he also confirmed to Marc that he just went doody in his undies, but that's another issue!

Hef said, "If she says it's over, it's over. But like I've said before, she is the love of my life, and I expected to spend the rest of my life with her." Um....so they would have been together for six more months? I kid! Hef is going to live forever. The future of Viagra depends on it.

The Playboy pepaw popped a Werther's Original in his mouth and said the relationship started to go downhill six months ago after they found out he isn't able to father another child. He said, "With my sperm count, it's not possible. I was willing but it was not possible…She'd like to be married and have children, but it's not in the cards here for me."

Yeah, when your sperm count is in the negative digits, you're probably not going to be able to get the job done.

Hef said that his relationship with Kendra will be ending when she moves out of the house by the end of the year. He didn't say anything about Bridget, because let's be honest, she doesn't matter. She probably moved out a while ago and he didn't even notice! Gizmo needs to stay, though.

There are new skanks in the mansion. Hef has moved in 19-year-old orange twins Kristina and Karissa Shannon (above). He said, "They very much want to be girlfriends and now under the present circumstance, they probably will become my girlfriends."

I know these twin whores are the color of Hef's favorite drink, Metamucil, but this is ridiculous. They look like two week-old Halloween pumpkins who really need to be kicked into the middle of the street. If Hef has an orange fetish, he should just stick his shriveled turtle dick into a tangerine. Less hassle.

And there's also one other chick who will be sucking on Hef's dough dick very soon. Amy Leigh Andrews is testing this week and he said she will likely become one of his girlfriends too. "I'm dancing as fast as I can."

When Hef dances, medics have to stand by.

It's the end of an era! Hef's new girlfriends are a little on the old side, though. I guess there weren't any sexy unborn fetuses available.

For the past few weeks there have been many rumors about the "Girls Next Door" falling apart, moving out of the mansion and being replaced by younger models. There has also been a little rumor that Holly Madison is doing it with a douche magician who goes by the name of Criss Angel. Hef and Holly both denied all the rumors.

Last night, a TMZ camera man chatted with Holly outside of a restaurant and he told her he wanted to go to the Playboy Halloween party and if she could get him in. Holly yammered on about how she was going to be Elvis for Halloween and then she said, "I have no pull anymore. Hef and I aren't together."

SHOCK! DISMAY! TRAGIC! Seriously, this is about as surprising as the doctor telling me that my butthole only has a few more years left.

Holly also said that she's still filming shit with Kendra and Bridget for the sixth season of "GND."

Holly's 28, so she is getting up there in age. "Puffin" only has a few years left, so why would he want to spend them with a wrinkly old bag like Holly? Besides, Hef is still married! Holly needs to find a sugar daddy that is actually available for marriage. Mini-Me perhaps?

Natalie Portman is without a bushy beard this morning, because she has reportedly canceled her relationship with silent-movie actress Devendra Banhart. No, he's a musician, but his name was meant for a different era.

Some bitch who is close to Devendra told InTouch: “Yes, they have broken up. Natalie and Devendra will remain friends but need some space and time away."

The two 27-year-olds starting dating in March after meeting on the set of his video. Natalie even moved to Los Angeles from NYC to be with him full-time.

Natalie probably just couldn't handle the beard. It takes a special bitch to deal with a facial pubic bush. If the dude doesn't condition or brush it properly, your face and thighs could end up looking like they were exfoliated with sand paper after a sexy times session.

Alex Rodriguez's divorce from the she-hulk known as Cynthia Rodriguez has been finalized. Yeah, just like that. That shit was totally anti-climactic.

Their boring ass lawyers issued this statement to People: "Cynthia and Alex Rodriguez have amicably resolved their dissolution of marriage proceedings. They deliberately engaged in a private negotiation. During the negotiations and resolution all decisions were made with the best interests of their children as the paramount concern."

The terms of the settlement were not released. When C-Rod filed for divorce, she stated she wanted a cut of his earnings and ownership of their $12 million mansion in Florida.

These people are a disgrace! It started out pretty scandalous. A-Rod was accused of bumping roided-up butt coochies with Vadge and C-Rod blamed him for having an "affair of the heart." Then they sort of just went away and did their own thing. Zzzzz! They need to get remarried just so they can divorce the correct way! I want more name-calling, bitch slapping and sex tapes.

What's the opposite of Escandalo? A-Rod and C-Rod's divorce.

Pat "you are so fucking hot" O'Brien has been fired is leaving "The Insider." Whoever didn't see this coming really needs to eat more fish for dinner.

Pat was already demoted after he went to rehab for being a cokehead. Earlier this week, an e-mail Pat sent to the staff of "The Insider" got leaked. He trash talked Lara Spencer in the e-mail and also talked about how he wanted to save the world or something.

CBS wouldn't say why they parted ways with the dude who wants to "get some hookers and coke." They issued this statement:

"Pat O'Brien is a talented broadcaster who has been a part of The Insider family from the very beginning. Although we have decided to part ways, everyone at CBS Television Distribution and The Insider greatly appreciate and respect all his contributions to our show. We wish Pat much success in his future endeavors."

Lara Spencer is totally celebrating this news by treating herself to a full-size Oreo cookie pie from Baskin Robbins. She's going to eat the whole thing one sitting while letting her dog lick her toes. I'm telling you. I'm convinced those entertainment news show robots are freaks!

So now what's going to happen to Pat O'Brien? I hear the phone sex business is pretty lucrative....

P.S. - Why does Pat's face look like that?

Mark Ronson and his toddler girlfriend are no more. Okay, she's not a toddler. She's like 19 or some shit. The Daily Mail reports that the two ended it after a fight in NYC four days ago. Friends say that the 14-year age difference between Mark and Daisy Lowe is to blame.

I'm going to blame Gavin Rossdale, Daisy's sperm donor daddy who doesn't want anything to do with her. Just blame him for everything from now on.

Daisy wants to focus on her modeling career (hah) and isn't ready to settle down. The friend said: "Despite his party-boy image, Mark’s quite serious and just wants to meet the right girl and settle down. That was an issue for Daisy, who is still quite young at heart. They’re in different places at the moment and they both need some time and space to think about things. Mark’s at the top of his game. He’s very self-assured and confident and he knows what he wants. Daisy still has quite a lot of growing up to do."

"A lot of growing up to do" basically means she wants to slut around and I don't blame her. That's what your late teens and 20 were made for. It's when your genitals are at the top of their game.

Mark will be fine. I'm sure he's already found another young thing to mend his broken heart. You know, there was a time when I would get all hot in the groin for Mark, but those days are over. Now I get this creepy "Pee Wee Herman" vibe about him. I mean, he looks like he loves playing with his stuffed animals way too much if I ain't being too subtle. He probably hugs his teddy bear while doing sexy times. And he always has this smirk on his face like he farts diamonds and dandelions.

That being said, I'd still hit it on his collection of stuffed animals.

Michael Bolton and Nicollette Sheridan have ended their fairytale engagement. The two started dating back in 1993. They broke up after a year and a half. She probably couldn't stand his long mop. They got back together in 2005 and announced their engagement in 2006.

Nicolette's rep told People, "Nicollette Sheridan and Michael Bolton have amicably ended their engagement. They appreciate your respect for their privacy in this matter." Don't you love how it's announced right before "Desperate Housewives" starts again? Perfect timing!

Michael said he loved her, but he lied. And Nicolette wants to know how is she supposed to live without him? She's missing him. He was her soul provider. But honestly, how can they be lovers if they can't be friends? They had a love that was so beautiful. She'll get back on her feet again. I can do this all day.

Seriously, how is Nicollette going to get over this break-up if she can't even listen to Michael Bolton songs. He has some of the best break-up songs ever!

"How Can We Be Lovers" will be in my head for the rest of August. I'm bringing you down with me: