Would You Hit It?

Keanu Reeves is 48 years old and he usually looks like an eternally young vampire who's got an aging portrait of himself hanging in an attic somewhere. I'm guessing that Keanu wanted to throw people off of his trail, so he injected fat into his body, wonked his eye up a bit, pumped himself up with gas and got a double chin implant. Keanu walked off of a yacht in Cannes yesterday looking like a middle-aged  smoke shop manager who gambled away all his money and now lives under a bench at the beach and spends his days harassing women on the pier. You can't fool us, Keanu! We know you're still an ageless vampire under there.

And I'd hit Keanu circa 1995, Keanu circa 2005 and Keanu circa yesterday.

If you have a vagina, it's probably so squeaky clean that you can serve brunch off of it, because you're in the presence of mega douchebag: CRISS ANGEL! With his nipples out, a Bump-It in his hair (that HAS to be a Bump-It), his Diesel chonies showing and his belt buckle pushed to the side (because he's a trendsetter like that), the douche wizard shot an episode of his Spike TV show in Las Vegas on Thursday night.

I know Criss Angel's hair always looks like something you'd find inside of a cage in the trauma ward of an animal hospital, but his hair looks extra fucked up here. Dude's entire head looks like it's covered in clip-on bangs. Dude looks like Anthony Kiedis after losing a fight with a Flowbee or the derpiest Jonas Brother after getting his haircut by who ever cuts the Long Island Medium's hair.

Thanks to that Kate Gosselin circa 2007 hair and all that foundation smeared on his face, Criss Angel looks like somebody's aunt, but he doesn't look like my aunt, so I'd hit it. Typing that makes me want to dip my hands in boiled bleach, but the truth is the truth.

Pimp Mama Kris finally released Nana Bruce from her cold, dead demon claws and let ole' girl have some fun on the water with his hot sons Brody and Brandon Jenner in Greece yesterday. After seeing gross picture after gross picture of those Kardashian kunts in swimsuits, I, for one, am happy to see 63-year-old Bruce Jenner airing out his chile rellenos titties. That JCPenney salon special on Bruce's head makes him look like a cross between Ann Romano's psycho memaw and a senior citizen Chucky doll after taking too many female hormones. That IS the look.

This is the hottest ad for Estroven I've ever seen.

PMK has totally motorboated those chichis before, so I would not hit it. But I would massage his hands with Jean Nate lotion while we watch his favorite Murder, She Wrote episode together.

Here's Jamie Foxx on the NYC set of The Amazing Spider-Man 2 looking like a character that In Living Color had stuck in its throat for all these years and finally hacked up. We've already seen Jamie Foxx looking like a veiny Smurf dick as Electro and now here's Jamie Foxx before a lightning bolt struck him deep in the ass. This one's easy. No, I would not hit it, because that fake comb over is giving me "Donald Trump after a perm" vibes. Nope.

But I'd totally hit Andrew Garfield in his Spidey suit. I don't know if that's his natural bulge (it's so not) or if the costume designer stuffed that suit with a guinea pig wearing a fat suit. I think this chick is trying to figure that out.

Here's Jamie Foxx looking like a cross between an overgrown Smurf on roids and a mutantized veiny Na'vi peen while shooting scenes as Electro on the NYC set of The Amazing Spider-Man 2. I should be offended on behalf of blue-Americans that the producers of Spider-Man put Jamie Foxx in blueface instead of casting a naturally blue person, but I'm too busy wishing that I had a lit anal bead-lined hoodie during my raver days.

To answer own headline question, I should say "yes" since Jamie Foxx sort of looks like Powder after a bukkake party with the Blue Man Group, but no, I wouldn't hit it. But only because when I look into his freezer burned eyes all I see is Nicole Kidman right after she gets out of her ice chamber in the morning.

Here's full-time Housewives wrangler Andy Cohen making an "Oh shit, I sat on it too fast" face while sunning his nipples at his hotel in Miami yesterday. Let's get to it. Yes, I'd hit it, but only because he's the Rhoda to Anderson Cooper's Mary, so he's one degree away from the Silver Fox. I'm sure that during one of their slumber parties, Anderson drooled on Andy's arm while they were spooning in a sleeping bag and Andy hasn't washed that spot since. So basically, I'd just hump that spot repeatedly.

Since Justin Timberlake viciously murdered his luscious ringlets with a flat iron and some straightening balm, somebody has to proudly work a head full of tight curls. Enter Bradley Cooper's ass. Here's B. Coop looking hot while walking with Jennifer Lawrence to the set of David O. Russell's new movie in Boston today. Everything about this look works from that manicured beard to that open shirt to that thick layer of bronzer on his skin to his freshly permed hair which makes his head looks like it's covered in a field of snail shells. B. Coop looks like a 70s porn producer/pimp who sleeps on a waterbed covered in tiger print satin sheets and dips his nuts in Spanish Fly oil. Swoon.

This might be the first time B. Coop has ever done things to me, so yes, I'd hit it. And I'd really hit it if B. Coop matched the carpet to the drapes by perming his pubes.

That scent of strawberry shampoo and unattainable dreams wafting into your right nostril is from Amy Adams' 80s hair commercial hair and that scent of Pierre Cardin cologne and a dried cum stain on a Little Trees wafting into your left nostril is coming from Christian Bale. Amy Adams and Christian Bale are currently in Boston to shoot David O. Russell's newest Oscar-bait movie about the Abscam operation.

I refuse to believe that Christian Bale put on a bald cap and a comb over wig to look like a sleazy stereotypical used car salesman who jacks into the glove compartment of every car he's selling and who's been kicked out of every Waffle House in the area for giving the shocker to all of their waitresses. That isn't a hairpiece on Christian's head. Christian doesn't fake shit. Christian made his scalp stop growing hair with HIS MIND, or he yelled at his follicles in the mirror until they got so scared that they stopped growing hair.

And yes, I'd hit it on the vinyl seats in the back of a Chevy Caprice. There's something about a sleaze ball who keeps his shirt and tie on during fuck times and throws his tie over his shoulder when he's about to hit it from the back.

For my Would You Hit It? posts, I'm always putting up pictures of hot dudes and I guess I'm not screwing with tradition today, because here's pictures of Kelly Bensimon showing off her incredible tuck game in Miami over the weekend. Kelly might've been fired from The Real Housewives of NYC for being too insane, even for a reality shit show, but you can't keep a good fame whore down for long and she's still out there posing for the few paps who actually showed up when she called them.

The scent of melted jelly beans, deep fried pork buns, charred pork gristle and microwaved plastic was in the air when Kelly gave the paps a bikini show in the pool area of her Miami hotel. Kelly finally showed us all the answer to the question, "What would Steven Tyler look like if he had the Glad family or products shoved up into his chest?" And to answer my headline question, yes, I'd hit it, but only because she looks exactly like the glazed, slow-smoked baby back ribs I had at  Chili's this past weekend.

On the right is middle weight boxing champion Peter Quillin and on the left is light weight douche champion Shia LaBeouf. Peter and Shia are currently working out in the same gym together and Peter Instagrammed (via Towleroad) this picture after somebody in the room shouted, "Chiefs gone wild! Show me your tits!"

For a while now, Shia has been looking like a generic version of Edward Norton in American History X and now he really looks like a generic version of Edward Norton in American History X. I never know if I'm into it or not. I mean, there is something about a millionaire asshole who does himself up like a fresh-out-of-prison blue collar worker even though he doesn't know how to operate a manual lawn mower and probably has a $3,000 espresso machine in his modern Italian kitchen. I bet that when Shia gets out of his marble steam shower, he sprinkles organically grown fleas on his beard and sprays himself down with lab-made homeless man sweat to really authenticate his whole hipster hobo look.

And I'd suck off a metal trash can if it had a peen, so yeah, I'd hit it like Shia hitting a wall during play rehearsal.

Here's some pics of Shia and his piece Mia Goth looking fresh, clean and happy in NYC the other day. Shia looks like a low-level member of the Russian mafia who kidnapped the underage daughter of a loading dock supervisor, because her father refuses to approve a crate full of drugs coming in from overseas. (Yes, I'm one of the only hos watching Red Widow.) So far the low-level Russian mafia member has been treating her nice, but judging by the pained looks on her face, he hasn't let her take a dump since 6 rest stops ago and he keeps giving her coffee!