Would You Hit It?

Here's Colton Haynes from MTV's Teen Wolf, but mostly known as the twinkie whose publicist tried to Magic Erase his gayness from the Internet, casually gazing into the wooden vulvas on his trailer's paneling while flexing his abs so hard that I'm surprised one of his muscle biscuits didn't pop out and start flopping next to that torn tampon on the floor. Teen Wolf's executive producer Tumblr-ed this picture and added the note: “Shot from Colton’s trailer. We asked him to show us his new body, the product of three months of serious training. Of course, he struck a model pose.”

You know, I take back that gazing comment. Colton's not gazing, he's trying to keep his eyes from rolling to the back of his head right before he passes the shit out, because his body can't take THE HONGARIES anymore. For the past three months, bitch's trainer has only let him lick on the tears that trickle down his face while he's crunching his way to abs of a G.I. Joe doll. It must suck when even the pre-cum from the dick you regularly suck on has to be tested for calorie content by your nutritionist before it's allowed to go in your mouth. No thanks.

And, DUH, I'd hit it even if his abs taste like bronzer and matte black eyeshadow.

It's nice to see that the butt cheese teeth Lindsay Lohan's dentist chopped off to stick veneers in her mouth got a job. Here's Matt Damon looking like he just snowballed the wrong butthole while shooting an SNL skit with Katy Perry, Andy Samberg and Val Kilmer (I thought that was Annie Leibovitz!) in NYC yesterday. Wasn't it Courtney Love who said that you haven't lived until you've fucked a homeless man? So because of that, yeah, I would. But I don't know if it really counts since this is a multimillionaire just playing a homeless man. Eh, I'll just slather on some Brad Pitt-brand foreskin jelly and taint dirt for an authentic effect.

Detective La Toya is letting out a strong soprano howl of vindication over Dr. Con getting the maximum prison sentence, but there's more important shit to discuss like whether or not you'd let Donny Deutsch stick his slimy tongue in you. Every time Donny comes on Today in the morning, the voices in my head oil wrestle with each other over whether or not my fuck parts should start puckering or run up into my body like they just read the words: "Ke$ha nudes."

On one hand (aka my non-fappin' hand), douche should really be spelled D-E-U-T-S-C-H and he looks like the kind of selfish son of a dick who will pinch your genitals if you were about to cum before him. Just look at these pictures of Donny in Miami over the weekend. Donny's nipples look like scabs without their skins and he's wearing sneakers on the beach. If I asked my confidante Siri what dick cheese looks like when you magnify it, this picture would come up.

On the other hand (aka my fappin' hand), there's something about Donny that makes me want to shut the shades and shame fap myself into a puddle of tears. It's probably that silver rug on his head. Why does the silver mop always get me? Don't even get me started on Dan Abrams' gross ass. Ugh. I need help. Ayúdame!

If you need to know "What IT is?" before answering my question then we can't sit at the same table anymore, because I only associate myself with shameless whore sluts who sit on the face and ask questions later. But since you really need to know, here's Johnny Depp in complete Barnabas Collins drag on the set of the new Tim Burton's Dark Shadows that is only being made so they can make millions upon millions of dollars off of Goth teens by selling t-shirts and plastic lunchboxes of this mess at Hot Topic. NO! They're really making this, because Tim Burton owns majority stock in the company that produces that white cream make-up shit that he slathers on Johnny Depp's face in every one of his movies. Duh.

And yes, Johnny looks like Madge as Michael Jackson, but I still would. It's not like Johnny's peen is covered in vampire cream and decorated with Liza Minnelli sideburns made from black construction paper. Actually, it probably is since Johnny is really fucking method.

Here's Benjamin Géza Affleck-Boldt in wig to ankle polyester with Alan Arkin on the Hollywood set of the movie he's directing and starring in called Argo. That skull bra of synthetic follicles on his head looks like it's slightly better quality than the wig that comes in the Pimp Mama Kris costume pack at the Whoretown Halloween store.

As for my very important headline question, I'm sure most of you sluts would check the box marked "NOT WHILE SOBER" since this is a forest backdrop and a hand-to-face-pose away from looking like your daddy in an Olan Mills portrait session circa 1977 . In the 70s, my dad looked like if Judge Ito played the title role in Welcome Back, Kotter, so it's safe for me to say that I'D HIT IT!

I truly believe that you haven't begun to scoop up all of life's beautiful moments until you've heard the line "Watch the wig!" from a piece while sitting on their face.

Here's Jesse Metcalfe of the new Dallas (that hurt to type) showing love for his piece by rolling around with her on a mound of grass, hobo skid marks, dog piss and crackhead saliva in Venice, CA yesterday afternoon. This goes without typing, but I'd hit it. Uniboob and all. Tits looking like a long loaf of warm focaccia bread. Just tell the waiter to leave the whole bottle of olive oil.

You'd hit on Jesse Calftits' two-eyed worm chichi too. We all would. Although, it would take a little brain power to solve the puzzle titled, "How do you titty fuck a Jesse Metcalfe?" That should be a challenge on Survivor.

via WOW Report

Sean Penn has the hair of a low-ranking mobster turned car salesman whose fingers always smell like cigars and tuna fish water, the face of a scorched Proboscis monkey, the sanity of a bat's colostomy bag and the temper of your average MTA bus rider, but would you stop sitting with me at the back table if I said that his body makes me say that I would? I was about to say that I wish I was a rescue boat that needed plugging, but that's going too far and it's only Tuesday in Monday's clothing. So I'll eat the rest of my thoughts about this topic while your brain eats the image of the sentence before this one. On that note....

Here's more of 50-year-old Sean Penn with his new piece-of-the-moment Stacey Koplin in Malibu yesterday.

Here's Shia LaBeouf rollin' with the homes (or maybe he's making like a blind zombie) while airing his nips out with his girlfriend Karolyn Pho in L.A. You know, Shia has never stirred me like that. But there's something about a greasy stick of hipster who looks like he should be playing a washboard on a raised porch during a flood party that does things to me. Imagine the jingle jangle sound of his keys scraping against the floor boards when he pulls his high waters down to his ankles and hits you from the back while biting into a fried chicken drumstick. That is the true sound of romance. And the true look of romance is fried chicken crumbs on your ass cheeks.

Yes. Yes, I would!

If you don't know anything about Congressman Aaron Schock of Illinois, here's a few facts to help you make an educated decision on whether or not you would hit it.

- Aaron Jon Schock was born in Morris, Minnesota on May 28, 1981, which makes him a Gemini.
- Aaron Schock is a Republican congressman who has served Illinois's 18th congressional district for two years.
- Aaron Schock is 29 years old making him the youngest U.S. Representative at the moment.
- Aaron Schock is not married and swears on his pink gingham shirt that he's not gay.
- Aaron Schock is a conservative Baptist.
- Aaron Schock and his Photoshopped abs are working with Men's Health for the Fit For Life Summer Challenge. Aaron says that like Michelle Obama, he wants America to drop the deep fried butter and pick up a free weight.
- Aaron Schock works out two hours a day.
- Aaron Schock rhymes with barren cock.

If you need another picture to make up your mind (and other parts), here's Aaron giving us an "I can't possibly be gay, because what gay person would wear shorts like these?! And no, I'm not wearing a sheer spandex Speedo thong underneath!" pose.

So have you made a decision yet? Okay, I'll go first. Yes, I'd hit it, but only if he entertains me with a tap dancing routine in an airport men's bathroom first!