Would You Hit It?

When did Chris Klein become the creepy man on the block your parents warned you never to talk to? The man that would always buy lemonade from your stand and ask you if you like watching R-rated movies. Chris is almost as creepy looking as Katie Holmes. Almost.

There was a time when Chris was semi-hot, right? Now he just looks like he lives in his grandmother's basement and surrounds himself with his massive porcelain doll collection. He's freaking me out the way he's staring into the camera and through my soul. He's heavy petting me with his eyes. Gross. I bet he uses Purell as lube, because he's majorly OCD about germs.

That being said, I'd hit it on a puddle of instant hand sanitizer. Well, he looks like he's majorly freaky in the sheets.

62-year-old Davy Jones' somehow got it in his mind that it was a good idea to show off his pepawchichis while performing in Staten Island, NY this past weekend. Damn. His tittays are no joke. They look like if you slap them, they'll slap you back. I'd love to see a boxing match between Aretha Franklin's champion chichis and Davy's moobs. Obviously, Aretha's rack would be the winner, but Davy would put up a good fight.

And yes, I'd let him hit it, but only from the back. Although, Davy would need to pile his boobies into a Playtex Cross Your Heart bra, because those things look like they have the power to knock me out.

Don't try and be slick either! The dog is not an option. The dog ON THE LEASH. Besides, the dog on the leash doesn't like you like way.

I'd rather rub my bare nalgas in a bowl of hot vomit, but I would take my chances with Beth. Dog is so fucking bloated that it would be like getting sexy with a wilted balloon. Even his manchichis look like they're full of gas.

Beth probably wouldn't even want to get down. She would just want to watch QVC while eating a whole box of Russell Stover chocolates. But she would make me massage the green puss out of her corns......

Here's these two hillbilly seaweed creatures mucking up a beach in Los Angeles on Labor Day.

Teri Hatcher is looking sexy hot! The Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe Diet is really working for her! For serious! It's the Queen King of Pop working it in an Ann Taylor Loft blazer and pajama pants at the Planet Hollywood Hotel in Las Vegas last night. I think we finally know what happened to Bubbles. Jacko is wearing him on his head. Honestly, couldn't Raquel Welch fix Jacko up with a wig that doesn't look like Little Richard's merkin?

That being said, I'd hit it in a pool filled with Jesus Juice. Well, a hardcore slut likes variety and isn't afraid to try new things. All you gotta do is close your eyes, hold your breath and do it for the sake of your slutty reputation.

P.S. - Click here to see what Jacko would look like today if he didn't eff up his face.

Why did I think Kanye West had major body underneath his clothes? It's like meeting a hot bitch at a bar and thinking they are all ripped under their clothes. You go home with them only to find out that their body looks like something out of an Easy Bake Oven. Total and utter letdown. But that still doesn't stop you from riding that shit until it pops.

And for such a cocky bitch, Kanye has such teensy weensy nipples. Baby nippies. He needs to moisturize his nipples daily with Nipout! It doesn't work on ass lips though. So.....I've heard.

With all that being said, I'D HIT IT! Yes, in all caps. That's how Kanye likes it.

It's Gordon "You Stupid Donkey" Ramsey! Speaking of donkeys, Gordon is not hung like one. A baby donkey, maybe. A fetus donkey? Yeah, that's more like it.

I think we finally found Ashley Tisdale's old nose! It's in Gordon's speedo. And yes, I'd let him go balls deep. Actually, I'd let him go balls in, because something tells me the peen just won't be enough.

Here's Josh Holloway from "Lost" with fakey tattoos on the set of some movie yesterday. No, it's not "The KFed Story." He's doing some shit called "Stay Cool" with Winona Ryder. He better get an extra-secure safe for his trailer.

I don't care if that ponytail was sticking out of his asshole, I'd still hit it. I'd hit it in the back, in the front, to the side, diagonal, upside down, topsy turvy, it doesn't matter! I'd let that bitch go balls deep, balls in, whatever it takes. He could call me "Peaches" if he wanted to. Fuck, he could call me "Tina" too. Anything.

He could even bend you over the dining table, hit it from the back, and dust off your chandelier with that little ponytail. Two birds....

What in seaweed hell happened to Gary Dourdan from CSI?! This bitch must be on the bad shit if he really thinks he can pull off a speedo. He could have at least spared the children by wearing a tankini to cover up some of his nastiness. Too much information.

That being said, I'd hit it. Well, he used to be hot and I have an active imagination. I'd have to remove all the mirrors from the room, turn off the lights, blast some Al Green and let him hit it from the back only, but I'd still make it happen.

Scream "YES!!!!" from your cubicle or wherever you are, because you know you would hit that shit in a flash. You would sweat on that oldie!

Everyone knows that if you let Richard Simmons stick the tip in, you'll live forever. Not only will you live forever, but you'll shit rainbows too.

Here's happiest homo in all the land outside of "The Late Show" last night.

Did Cristiano Ronaldo baste himself in Vaseline, Crisco and Wesson? Whatever hair he had on his legs is fucking gone. He fried that shit right off. I think I'm getting skin cancer just by looking at these pictures.

That being said, I'd hit it. Wait, does too much sun make your dick shrink? What do I care? I'd still hit it even if he does have a hermie-peen.